- Merits
- 42
Well, this is probably one of, if not the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me, so far as I can remember. Yesterday I brewed 3.5g of rue and took 130mg of freebase with it. The day before I did the same, with 95mg of freebase, and it was nice, but I felt like there was supposed to be more to it. Those extra 35mg did not just make a little difference, but easily quadrupled the intensity of the experience... Here's what happened.
So I drink the disgusting dissolved dmt in a splash of vinegar, I'm already gagging because it tastes so bad. So I wash it down with a bunch of tropical fruit juice, which does not really help at all. So I gargle salt water, come back, sit down and do my thing whilst I feel myself coming up. It was as if I was being subtly wrestled into a tripping state without easing into it as usual.
All of a sudden... BOOM. DMT kicks in without any warning, and all of a sudden I'm tripping heavily, and I am shocked. I tell myself 'wow, this one is probably going to be strong', little did I realise where I was going to end up...
I got cold and decide to put the heating on, I end up at the boiler and can't even figure out how to look at it, I don't understand why it's not the same boiler, I can't decipher the symbols, all the knobs are in the wrong place, wrong size, wrong position, it's all wrong, the door is wrong, the flap is wrong, it's all wrong.
I decide to forget about trying to work the boiler and sit back down. Then the computer betrays me. Then my phone becomes indecipherable, things start to go missing, and I cannot understand why I'm tripping so much... I feel shcoked and can't seem to calm down... I tell myself it's all me, it's dmt, it's fine, nothings going to happen... but the dread had took a hold of me.
I think 'screw it' and decide to make myself sick, end the trip now, no point in prolonging torture, this is not why I take psychedelics... So I go to the bathroom and kneel next to the bowl, thinking 'am I seriously going to do this?'. I felt energies telling me others have been here, I felt I was in some sort of hospital for my soul, there was some sort of medical theme to it, I felt screwed up, I felt I was in some sort of sordid clinic where bad things happen...
I feel childhood, growing pains, bad things happening and growth being forced upon me. People in my life getting on my case, I feel everyones negativity building up on me, I see all my flaws, I see all the suffering I cause myself, and I want to eject and destroy all of it so badly now.
I look into the bowl, deep into my soul, and try to bring on the purge. No luck. I try again, no luck. I end up lost staring down the tunnel, laughing feebly at the stupidity of this. I spend a long time here. Then I try one more time to get it out, and still It just wont work! Now I'm really seriously bricking it. I think of asking someone, anyone, for help, but by some force of powerfull will I tell myself to obey my protocol, and just wait it out. I submit, I even say out loud 'I surrender', but nothing changes.
I go back to my room and listen to music, I play tunes I like, and try to act normal, but my consciousness just keeps falling to pieces again and again. I want to get the hell out, but how? I go to my bedroom, I feel like tearing my clothes off and hiding away till it's over. Instead i dive into bed fully clothed. I don't land on the bed, but on something that vaguely resembles a bed, hybridized with a twisting fractal mess. I can't close my eyes for the things reaching out at me behind my eyelids, If I open them all I see is more strange twisting wierdness. I manage to get out of bed, try to purge one more time, in the bathroom, and I meet beings made of discolored eyeballs covered in wet matted hair. I get the hell out and try to find warmth. I use a hairdryer, the air feels good.
I catch myself in the mirror, the chain around my neck seems symbolic, I need to get it off. I try, but I can't find the clasp. I grab the thing and rip it from my neck, breaking the clasp and look at the silver lions head and broken chain hanging from my hands. I feel triumphant. I feel I have succeeded at something, I feel I have pulled the rug out from the little negative clone self hiding inside me, the little boy I thought I no longer was had been stowed away, growing in my subconscious whilst I emraced life, slowly building up his negativity like a virus. 'You do it to yourself, you do'. I thought I was fine, but I guess I was denying the subconscious child within.
I manage at some point to light my last cigarette, and the smoke tastes so good. This calms me down for a few seconds of bliss before the terror envelops me yet again. I try to roll another smoke, but all I have is a bunch of damiana leaves, a broken lighter, and hands that I can't even see correctly, let alone operate. Then it comes.
Urk.
Oh man get it up- urkkkk
PWSHHH!
Thank god finally, my body couldn't take anymore, and up it comes, hate, suffering, fear, guilt, anger, and rice pudding
I'm still in it for a few minutes before it starts to FINALLY subside, and I see the mess i've made, my broken chain, my exhausted soul.
It was absolute hell, but now I feel I'm stronger than ever, having confronted it. Usually dmt is about submission and bliss for me, but it has taken this turn lately, and i'm going to count this as a climax. I'll still enjoy mushrooms etc, but DMT is just... well... I understand what this is, and it had to happen. My cage was rattled, and I dare to believe it is broken. I'm stronger than ever before.
Thank you DMT, clearly you love me enough to hold me tight then punch me in the face, if you were a person I would hug you and then flatten your nose, that's our relationship in a nutshell, you cheeky evil wonderful thing. I think we need to go on a break.
Thanks for reading.
So I drink the disgusting dissolved dmt in a splash of vinegar, I'm already gagging because it tastes so bad. So I wash it down with a bunch of tropical fruit juice, which does not really help at all. So I gargle salt water, come back, sit down and do my thing whilst I feel myself coming up. It was as if I was being subtly wrestled into a tripping state without easing into it as usual.
All of a sudden... BOOM. DMT kicks in without any warning, and all of a sudden I'm tripping heavily, and I am shocked. I tell myself 'wow, this one is probably going to be strong', little did I realise where I was going to end up...
I got cold and decide to put the heating on, I end up at the boiler and can't even figure out how to look at it, I don't understand why it's not the same boiler, I can't decipher the symbols, all the knobs are in the wrong place, wrong size, wrong position, it's all wrong, the door is wrong, the flap is wrong, it's all wrong.
I decide to forget about trying to work the boiler and sit back down. Then the computer betrays me. Then my phone becomes indecipherable, things start to go missing, and I cannot understand why I'm tripping so much... I feel shcoked and can't seem to calm down... I tell myself it's all me, it's dmt, it's fine, nothings going to happen... but the dread had took a hold of me.
I think 'screw it' and decide to make myself sick, end the trip now, no point in prolonging torture, this is not why I take psychedelics... So I go to the bathroom and kneel next to the bowl, thinking 'am I seriously going to do this?'. I felt energies telling me others have been here, I felt I was in some sort of hospital for my soul, there was some sort of medical theme to it, I felt screwed up, I felt I was in some sort of sordid clinic where bad things happen...
I feel childhood, growing pains, bad things happening and growth being forced upon me. People in my life getting on my case, I feel everyones negativity building up on me, I see all my flaws, I see all the suffering I cause myself, and I want to eject and destroy all of it so badly now.
I look into the bowl, deep into my soul, and try to bring on the purge. No luck. I try again, no luck. I end up lost staring down the tunnel, laughing feebly at the stupidity of this. I spend a long time here. Then I try one more time to get it out, and still It just wont work! Now I'm really seriously bricking it. I think of asking someone, anyone, for help, but by some force of powerfull will I tell myself to obey my protocol, and just wait it out. I submit, I even say out loud 'I surrender', but nothing changes.
I go back to my room and listen to music, I play tunes I like, and try to act normal, but my consciousness just keeps falling to pieces again and again. I want to get the hell out, but how? I go to my bedroom, I feel like tearing my clothes off and hiding away till it's over. Instead i dive into bed fully clothed. I don't land on the bed, but on something that vaguely resembles a bed, hybridized with a twisting fractal mess. I can't close my eyes for the things reaching out at me behind my eyelids, If I open them all I see is more strange twisting wierdness. I manage to get out of bed, try to purge one more time, in the bathroom, and I meet beings made of discolored eyeballs covered in wet matted hair. I get the hell out and try to find warmth. I use a hairdryer, the air feels good.
I catch myself in the mirror, the chain around my neck seems symbolic, I need to get it off. I try, but I can't find the clasp. I grab the thing and rip it from my neck, breaking the clasp and look at the silver lions head and broken chain hanging from my hands. I feel triumphant. I feel I have succeeded at something, I feel I have pulled the rug out from the little negative clone self hiding inside me, the little boy I thought I no longer was had been stowed away, growing in my subconscious whilst I emraced life, slowly building up his negativity like a virus. 'You do it to yourself, you do'. I thought I was fine, but I guess I was denying the subconscious child within.
I manage at some point to light my last cigarette, and the smoke tastes so good. This calms me down for a few seconds of bliss before the terror envelops me yet again. I try to roll another smoke, but all I have is a bunch of damiana leaves, a broken lighter, and hands that I can't even see correctly, let alone operate. Then it comes.
Urk.
Oh man get it up- urkkkk
PWSHHH!
Thank god finally, my body couldn't take anymore, and up it comes, hate, suffering, fear, guilt, anger, and rice pudding
I'm still in it for a few minutes before it starts to FINALLY subside, and I see the mess i've made, my broken chain, my exhausted soul.
It was absolute hell, but now I feel I'm stronger than ever, having confronted it. Usually dmt is about submission and bliss for me, but it has taken this turn lately, and i'm going to count this as a climax. I'll still enjoy mushrooms etc, but DMT is just... well... I understand what this is, and it had to happen. My cage was rattled, and I dare to believe it is broken. I'm stronger than ever before.
Thank you DMT, clearly you love me enough to hold me tight then punch me in the face, if you were a person I would hug you and then flatten your nose, that's our relationship in a nutshell, you cheeky evil wonderful thing. I think we need to go on a break.
Thanks for reading.
