A Psilocybin Initiation

[Valmar]

This part of my journey has been stranger than I thought possible ~ as if I thought that it couldn't become more so, hahaha.

I had felt guided towards taking Psilocybin mushrooms after my last journey. I managed to acquire some after a bit of effort ~ but I didn't feel ready to take them, so I spent about 3 weeks working towards preparing myself mentally and physically, wanting it to be as productive as it could have been.

Come the day of the journey, I meditated, thought and focused on what I wanted to achieve. I ate a big meal for lunch, though not heavy, anticipating that I'd be ready by the evening. I was nervous, all the same...

Come 7pm, my guides wondered, why wait any longer? You're just prolonging the inevitable. Why not take them now? I made some tea with 5 grams of ground-up Penis Envy mushrooms, and some fresh chopped up ginger, pouring in water I'd brought to 80 degrees Celsius. After waiting about 15 minutes, I took the tea, and then made a second cup with the remaining grounds I hadn't swallowed ~ after 15 minutes had passed of sitting, meditating and waiting with trepidation, I was already feeling it beginning. I clumsily downed the second cup, and sat.

I meditated while I waited for it to kick in proper. I had a vision at some point of an... Indian goddess(?) in a darkened space, who spoke to me. I didn't understand the tongue, but I seemed to understand the intent. I calmly listened to her words, agreeing with her as I went. It seemed like she was asking me if I was ready, if I had the strength. I said that I was. Sensing that my mind couldn't handle the state for much longer, she beckoned me away, thanking me, though in the moment I didn't comprehend. Only now, thinking back on it, can I comprehend what actually happened... the deity was very wise and kind, but definitely not human, though in the veneer of one.

Next, I felt unfamiliar energies beginning to ramp up. I... panicked, and called for Mother Ayahuasca multiple times, feeling like I was in a foreign land without a guide. It was like I'd entered a different domain that I just didn't understand, and I... couldn't handle it. The... language, so to speak, was very foreign to me. I didn't know what anything meant, and felt very much out of my depth. An entity tried to help sooth and calm me, so I could progress beyond the threshold, but I simply... panicked and lost myself to that.

I had some sort of mental breakdown, where I went into a seeming full panic attack, hyperventilating, heartbeat racing. My angel guides looked over me with concern, as I panicked, helping to calm me down. It worked... but I had gone into full resistance mode, and wasn't able to cross the threshold into the Psilocybin realm. I had locked myself out, in unconscious fear and panic. The Psilocybin entities apparently tried to help me, but I had blocked them unconsciously, in fear I couldn't understand or control.

So I was stuck and frozen for the majority of the journey. Other entities I was familiar with did what they could to help me heal in the state I was in, but there was a limit, due to my resistance. I felt energies from beyond the threshold, but they just made me writhe in agony and pain, feeling far too overwhelming in intensity. Maybe it was fear... but I thought I was dying from the intensity, in combination with the sheer resistance I was unconsciously putting up all the while.

While I didn't break through... the wall of fear that paralyzed me is bright as day now. I must work through that wall before going back again. A day or so after the... half-journey, the entities that had tried to help me reached out and said that I'd done nothing wrong ~ the surge of panic was simply beyond my control, but at least I had been made aware of it. I felt like I hadn't achieved anything... but the entities seemed to think that I'd accomplished more than I thought.

A few days after the journey, I felt very wiped out, mentally exhausted, dull. But yesterday I felt better.

And then yesterday... I had the deity Vajrabhairava / Yamantaka reveal himself to me. He appeared with semi-clarity in my third eye, and spoke to me. He was fiery and powerful, energy-wise. I wondered at his nature ~ he is one who reveals peace with the purifying flames. Within his burning fire, I indeed felt a calm peace. Within that, I felt a fierce wisdom, befitting his nature. He had a piercing and powerful gaze, though kind and gentle at the same time. I felt like there might be some relation between him, and the female deity I met at the start of the journey.

I was told that he had been my protector for many lifetimes ~ and today, I felt curious enough to read up on him:

Yamantaka – Vajrabhairava Community Support

In Vajrayana Buddhism, Vajrabhairava, also known as Yamantaka, is (1) a wrathful, buffalo-headed meditational deity (Tib: yi-dam) of the Highest Yoga Tantra class and/or (2) a dharma protector. Vajrabhairava is one of the principal three meditational deities of the Gelug school (Tib: gsang bde ‘jigs gsum; the others are Chakrasamvara and Guhyasamaja). He is also one of the main yidams in the Sakya school where he comes in a variety of appearances (with different mandalas). In both schools, Vajrabhairava is seen as the wrathful manifestation of Manjushri, the Buddha of wisdom. In the other schools of Tibetan Buddhsim, Yamantaka seems to be mostly revered as a protector. The (mostly secret and arcane) practices involve different activities for various purposes. There are also some Yamantaka terma revelations in the Nyingma and Kagyu schools. From amongst the many lineages of practice to enter Tibet, the main transmissions of Vajrabhairava were those of the two translators Ra Lotsawa and Mal Lotsawa. Although practiced early on in Tibet by the Sakya and Kagyu Traditions, it was Tsongkapa, founder of the Gelug Tradition, who instituted Vajrabhairava as the principal Gelugpa meditation practice.

Interesting...

In both schools, Vajrabhairava is seen as the wrathful manifestation of Manjushri, the Buddha of wisdom. In the other schools of Tibetan Buddhsim, Yamantaka seems to be mostly revered as a protector.

Very very interesting... as a few of my past lives seem to have involved Tibetan Buddhism...

It's... not everyday you meet powerful entities that are venerated as deities... first, the Bird God / Great Eagle, and now Vajrabhairava / Yamantaka... my teacher, White Eagle, seems to be their equal, also, curiously. But "deity" isn't a term they seem to care for ~ they simply seek to guide those that they have an interest in.

 

[CataractSurgeon]

How much do you think you took? For me Psilo has so much similar to dmt - but I can walk around - chose to take a low dose etc. Why do you think you resisted so much?

 

[Valmar]

How much do you think you took? For me Psilo has so much similar to dmt - but I can walk around - chose to take a low dose etc. Why do you think you resisted so much?

I thought I'd mentioned the amount... apparently not. It was 5 grams of Penis Envy. Figured Lemon Tek would be too intense for me, so ginger and mushroom tea it was.

I resisted because there was an intense fear of... power and responsibility. That I didn't deserve it. That I'd lose my mind because of it. It wasn't just that it felt alien compared to Ayahuasca. I burned through enough energy resisting that I felt like an empty husk for a couple of days afterwards.

 

[northape]

I felt like I hadn't achieved anything... but the entities seemed to think that I'd accomplished more than I thought.

I agree with your entities here. These hard ceremonies are the most transformative, even if you don't see it right away. I'm so glad that you made it through relatively unscattered. With these doses, people could swear off psychedelics for life or have a very difficult time afterwards. Resistance is one hell of a fuel for life, and some barriers are insanely strong. Just go one step at a time. I feel you will reach farther than you imagined with time.

I had the deity Vajrabhairava / Yamantaka reveal himself to me. He appeared with semi-clarity in my third eye, and spoke to me. He was fiery and powerful, energy-wise. I wondered at his nature ~ he is one who reveals peace with the purifying flames. Within his burning fire, I indeed felt a calm peace. Within that, I felt a fierce wisdom, befitting his nature. He had a piercing and powerful gaze, though kind and gentle at the same time.

These kinds of entities are far from any joke. It's very interesting that you connected to Yamantaka. It's for sure some past life connection.

It wasn't just that it felt alien compared to Ayahuasca. I burned through enough energy resisting that I felt like an empty husk for a couple of days afterwards.

Yeah, mushrooms are different. I plan to revisit them myself. They could get so loopy though and very challenging to navigate, but they are a good mind doctor.

Much Love

 

[doubledog]

Imo your resistance and fear of intensity did not block anything valuable, it's just common part of the experience with stronger mushroom trip. As is very often the case, outcome of the experience unfold later, even days after.

My personal advice for anybody is to not focus too much intellectually or emotionally about what exactly is happening during the trip. Shrooms pull some tricks to keep your mind occupied, while they work on other levels.

Experience itself is more than understanding here.

Btw. Pre-dosing with harmalas could help very significantly with post-mushroom mental exhaustion. On the other hand, it strongly potentiates fear, intensity and panic

 

[Valmar]

I agree with your entities here. These hard ceremonies are the most transformative, even if you don't see it right away. I'm so glad that you made it through relatively unscattered. With these doses, people could swear off psychedelics for life or have a very difficult time afterwards. Resistance is one hell of a fuel for life, and some barriers are insanely strong. Just go one step at a time. I feel you will reach farther than you imagined with time.

They have an unrelenting faith in me. They perceive me as being far stronger than I myself can comprehend. Perhaps that explains the powerful resistance I put up... fear can put up strong barriers indeed... but such fear seems to simply be a form of self-preservation and protection, however illogical and irrational, now that I think about it.

These kinds of entities are far from any joke. It's very interesting that you connected to Yamantaka. It's for sure some past life connection.

There are a few too many synchronicities that have popped up over time, heh. It would be rather difficult for me to count them all ~ even the ones that seem vague might actually be indicators themselves, in some sense. Tibetan Buddhism has certainly attracted my interest, unlike any other forms of Buddhism, which seem rather... empty by comparison.

Yeah, mushrooms are different. I plan to revisit them myself. They could get so loopy though and very challenging to navigate, but they are a good mind doctor.

I am no stranger to loopy things, haha. Nothing like experiencing multiple parallel lives of your soul to send you through a mindfuck period, and for those experiences to then feel... normalized and matter-of-fact. My question becomes ~ what is the purpose? Can one be a guide for other aspects of one's fundamental nature, of which one is also just an aspect?

 

[Valmar]

Imo your resistance and fear of intensity did not block anything valuable, it's just common part of the experience with stronger mushroom trip. As is very often the case, outcome of the experience unfold later, even days after.

Indeed... however, I know I resisted a bit too much, as the threshold was close... and all I got from it was colourful static, that felt like it would tear me apart. But... maybe that was the definition my fear and resistance gave it, so it became to my senses...

My personal advice for anybody is to not focus too much intellectually or emotionally about what exactly is happening during the trip. Shrooms pull some tricks to keep your mind occupied, while they work on other levels.

Indeed ~ that is why the entities took a different approach, I think. If I couldn't relax into it, then healing can happen another way. But I know I must go back later, to have a full and freely-flowing experience, without fear or resistance.

Experience itself is more than understanding here.

Some experiences... entirely defy understanding. I've had some that made precious little sense for months, until I accepted that I just didn't know the answers, after which, I started to get answers, of a sort, ironically enough. But even then, I realize that some things are simply beyond the ken of the human psyche and ego, given its structure. Structures need stability to exist... and so, need limits.

Btw. Pre-dosing with harmalas could help very significantly with post-mushroom mental exhaustion. On the other hand, it strongly potentiates fear, intensity and panic

How amusing... I've been drinking Ayahuasca on and off for the past decade, after which they told me that I had been taught all they could teach, and for me to seek out Psilocybin so I can learn more. Psilocybin is... appropriately alien in every respect. A whole new world, energetically.

 

[northape]

but such fear seems to simply be a form of self-preservation and protection, however illogical and irrational, now that I think about it.

I feel like that is the ego's main program - survival. This structure would do everything to reach that goal, even killing the body if necessary. Relaxing the ego and falling into a bigger reality is a skill we learn in our medicine work, ime.

Tibetan Buddhism has certainly attracted my interest, unlike any other forms of Buddhism, which seem rather... empty by comparison.

Tibetan tradition works very well with psychedelic medicine. If you do not become too fundamental but remain open in how you see it, there are lots of valuable lessons that can further your understanding of the self and the world.

My question becomes ~ what is the purpose? Can one be a guide for other aspects of one's fundamental nature, of which one is also just an aspect?

Coming back to Tibetan Buddhism, all the deities are parts of the mind. They are different representations of the wisdom that lives in us. I wonder if entities are similar in that aspect and are fundamentally a part of a bigger Self that is like space and accommodates everything - the womb of existence.

 

[Valmar]

I feel like that is the ego's main program - survival. This structure would do everything to reach that goal, even killing the body if necessary. Relaxing the ego and falling into a bigger reality is a skill we learn in our medicine work, ime.

Quite useful while within incarnation, though it should not be the most important thing, unlike philosophical attitudes like survival of the fittest blindly believe. Survival is all nice and good, but it is the most base of all things to consider most important. Just because it is the most primal thing, doesn't make it the most important, nor should that make it our reason for being in the world.

Love is a far more powerful force... but learning and understanding that requires experience. It is what enables one to make self-sacrifices so that one can learn and grow. It would seem to me that we only begin to really start living, and not just existing, when we can let go of the need to survive. It means we can take risks, challenge ourselves, so we can become more than creatures of base instinct.

Tibetan tradition works very well with psychedelic medicine. If you do not become too fundamental but remain open in how you see it, there are lots of valuable lessons that can further your understanding of the self and the world.

Indeed. It explains why they were accepting of McKenna bringing them DMT, and giving him their insights into it regarding DMT and its apparent connection to the Bardo.

Coming back to Tibetan Buddhism, all the deities are parts of the mind. They are different representations of the wisdom that lives in us. I wonder if entities are similar in that aspect and are fundamentally a part of a bigger Self that is like space and accommodates everything - the womb of existence.

In a sense, yes. These entities can be both symbolic in how they appear to us, yet quite distinct from us in their own existence.

 

[doubledog]

How amusing... I've been drinking Ayahuasca on and off for the past decade, after which they told me that I had been taught all they could teach, and for me to seek out Psilocybin so I can learn more. Psilocybin is... appropriately alien in every respect. A whole new world, energetically.

Yes, psiloids are different than DMT, but imo still work better with the activation by harmalas.

 

[Valmar]

Yes, psiloids are different than DMT, but imo still work better with the activation by harmalas.

Interesting... are there any good experience reports that detail the combination?

 

[doubledog]

Psilohuasca is well established combination, so to find some trip reports should be easy.

But my post was mainly about that strange and surprising phenomenon when mushrooms+harmalas (psilohuasca) are often less exhausting than shrooms alone, eventhough psilohuasca is more intense.