"Abandoned" by therapist. What now?

[blig-blug]

For quite a few years, I had an excellent therapist that helped me out of a very deep hole. The relationship was good and I was steadily improving (with diminishing returns as time went by, but that's a good signal I think). However, two years ago, due to difficult circumstances in her life, she temporarily stopped seeing me. This was a difficult period for me too because she was clearly caught by surprise and destabilized by those circumstances, so I could see that something was wrong but she didn't say anything until I brought up the question that maybe we should suspend treatment until she could see me in a consistent fashion again (she was cancelling very often on me, which she had never done before).

Around six months ago, I wrote to her and she said that I could go back, but she still may need to cancel due to her health issues. As the whole situation had been difficult for me, I was apprehensive and avoided going. However, a few weeks ago, it became clear to me during an Ayahuasca experience that resuming my treatment could benefit me a lot, that it was worth a shot, and I found the spirits to do it.

I wrote to her and we arranged an appointment. However, I learned recently that she's not going to be offering therapy (in person, but to me that is the only acceptable type) anymore due to her health issues and other factors unrelated to me.

This was shocking emotionally to me, but that's not the point. I estimate I was around 80-90% advanced in my treatment, 100% meaning not being "perfect" but that every big issue related to some years of hell I had in the past that could be solved in therapy has been solved. Now I don't know if it's worth it to find another good therapist (IME most therapists are mediocre or bad), establish trust, get that person to know my situation and me well, etc. for the 10-20% that remains. Also, as I feel hurt from the situation, the difficulty of going through that has definitely increased from its former baseline.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? How do you see it?

 

[The Traveler]

Ask your therapist to recommend another good therapist that can help you. In my experience, good therapists know who the other good therapists are.


Kind regards,

The Traveler

 

[blig-blug]

Ask your therapist to recommend another good therapist that can help you. In my experience, good therapists know who the other good therapists are.


Kind regards,

The Traveler

Yes, I have already done that. It's more about whether it's worth it or not. Obviously nobody but me can decide that, but I would be interested to hear other people's similar experiences, if any. Maybe there's an aspect of venting too...

 

[Panpsychic]

I wrote to her and we arranged an appointment. However, I learned recently that she's not going to be offering therapy (in person, but to me that is the only acceptable type) anymore due to her health issues and other factors unrelated to me.

So she is still offering therapy for you, but remotely due to her health? If you have been seeing her for years already then it shouldnt be a big deal to continue with her via video sessions. In person is usually better yes but since you know her well already then it shouldnt be that much of an issue to see her remotely. Probably preferrable to starting to build a relationship with another therapist if this has worked well for you.

 

[Nydex]

Yes, I have already done that. It's more about whether it's worth it or not. Obviously nobody but me can decide that, but I would be interested to hear other people's similar experiences, if any. Maybe there's an aspect of venting too...

Well, how worth it is will depend on how important do you perceive those last 10%-20% to be, I think. If you feel like getting over them is crucial for you to reach your full potential, then I'd say it's worth it. If those last percents are not something that burdens you and you feel like you can keep working with psychedelics instead and find resolution that way, then that'll be the answer.

So really, the question should be aimed at yourself. Rooting for you!

 

[Tripolation]

'Abandoned' kind of indicates to me that you in some way feel like you lost a friend. I think that feeling is understandable. You share deep conversations and experience healing with this person for years and then they are gone. It must feel like a gap in your life, feel like an abandonment, like you lost a good friend and it hurt.

Addressing this first would be paramount in my mind enable for you to find a new friend or in this case new therapist and either way it is building a new relationship. I have lost friends and not very interested in making new ones at first. I had to deal with the 'hurt' of the loss before I was able to make friends again. I think once you get past the abandonment and hurt of losing someone who you had built a relationship with, you will then be able to find and learn to trust in another once again.

In the mean time, perhaps lean on some friends or family for some advice or a listening ear. Many people go to the pub or bar to vent and receive some therapy, sounds like a joke but it is not, it's social healing and finding that we are not alone in this world. The local bartender may offer some advice that is a revelation, you would be surprised. Many will be glad to help you in various ways if you allow them into your world a bit. A therapist does not have to be the end all and be all of therapy. My dogs are very good therapist. Nature is a great therapist. You can be your own therapist.

I hope you find a good therapist again. Just give it a little time and I am sure someone just right will arrive into your life.

 

[fink]

Huge curve ball incoming. Was there any hint in your mind of the relationship extending beyond professional/patient?

That could be your perception of her feelings or indeed your own feelings for her.

If she felt she was developing a more complicated relationship with you or detected the same in you, or both simultaneously, that may cause a surprising end to the contact for a number of reasons.

Forgive such a question if it is inappropriate or so far off the mark as to be laughable. Only my very first thought after reading your story felt worth a shot.

 

[Nydex]

Huge curve ball incoming. Was there any hint in your mind of the relationship extending beyond professional/patient?

That could be your perception of her feelings or indeed your own feelings for her.

If she felt she was developing a more complicated relationship with you or detected the same in you, or both simultaneously, that may cause a surprising end to the contact for a number of reasons.

Forgive such a question if it is inappropriate or so far off the mark as to be laughable. Only my very first thought after reading your story felt worth a shot.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask something like that. Therapists with lots of experience have said that it's happening way more often than people would think and it's an exercise in holding healthy boundaries in a respectful way. This is definitely something worth asking.

 

[blig-blug]

Thank you for all your replies. I wasn't feeling very centered when I made the original post and got worried maybe it was not appropriate for the forum, but reading your thoughtful replies today I'm glad I posted.

If you have been seeing her for years already then it shouldnt be a big deal to continue with her via video sessions

In my case, it's really not an adequate substitute. These matters are quite subjective, and I personally don't get even close to equally challenged, etc. through a screen.

Well, how worth it is will depend on how important do you perceive those last 10%-20% to be, I think. If you feel like getting over them is crucial for you to reach your full potential, then I'd say it's worth it

I think what remains is still important. Nowadays I'm quite stable and able to live my life, but there are still some types of situations (of a very mundane type) that trigger a much stronger stress reaction on me than what would be reasonable or expected. So it won't destabilize me like it would have done many years ago, but when it happens I have a pretty bad time internally.

If those last percents are not something that burdens you and you feel like you can keep working with psychedelics instead and find resolution that way, then that'll be the answer

Still, it may be possible that I can deal with it on my own. On these last two years without therapy I still have improved in some of these issues, the main difference is that the pace has been much slower. Also, I don't know if I will be able to completely deal with some of these issues all by myself. It's clearly something I have to reflect on.

'Abandoned' kind of indicates to me that you in some way feel like you lost a friend. I think that feeling is understandable. You share deep conversations and experience healing with this person for years and then they are gone. It must feel like a gap in your life, feel like an abandonment, like you lost a good friend and it hurt.

Yes, that's exactly it. I know that "abandonment" is not what objectively happened (and that's why I used the scare quotes), but it's how it felt to me. That's an aspect of therapy that I always find difficult to understand at an emotional level: it feels like a personal relationship, but in the end it's transactional: the patient pays and gets a service. It makes sense for it to be like that, I just find it confusing.

I have lost friends and not very interested in making new ones at first. I had to deal with the 'hurt' of the loss before I was able to make friends again. I think once you get past the abandonment and hurt of losing someone who you had built a relationship with, you will then be able to find and learn to trust in another once again.

The same has happened to me with friends. Since I was a child, friendship has always been very important to me, and even when I was 5 I took it quite seriously. As a child, often other children didn't see it the same way, and for example once a friend changed schools and after that stopped acknowledging me when we saw each other on the street and he was with his new friends. Now I can understand it, but back then I felt very hurt. So it's definitely an important aspect here, even if it wasn't really a friendship. Also, the way this has happened hasn't been very well explained or handled on my therapist's side, which is understandable because she was having some problems of her own (she had to take sick leave due to depression), but still made it more challenging to me.

In the mean time, perhaps lean on some friends or family for some advice or a listening ear. Many people go to the pub or bar to vent and receive some therapy, sounds like a joke but it is not, it's social healing and finding that we are not alone in this world. The local bartender may offer some advice that is a revelation, you would be surprised. Many will be glad to help you in various ways if you allow them into your world a bit. A therapist does not have to be the end all and be all of therapy. My dogs are very good therapist. Nature is a great therapist. You can be your own therapist.

Thank you for this advice, I think it's excellent advice and it's what I'm going to do while I clear my head a little bit and let it settle.

Huge curve ball incoming. Was there any hint in your mind of the relationship extending beyond professional/patient?

Fortunately, no. She has always been very professional and sessions have been centered on me and my issues (I barely know anything about her as a person or about her life). Bear in mind that I have been two years already without going to therapy. The reason I initially had to stop going is because she started having to cancel on me with relatively high frequency due to rheumatoid arthritis flare-ups. I had to travel from a different city to go there, as I moved, so I proposed to suspend treatment until she improved. In the end she had to take sick leave due to depression. It's all quite understandable, but it still affects me emotionally.

Forgive such a question if it is inappropriate or so far off the mark as to be laughable. Only my very first thought after reading your story felt worth a shot.

Don't worry, there's no problem. It makes sense that it would lead you to think that some kind of romantic feelings may be involved, because there are in fact feelings of attachment on my part. They are just not of the romantic type. Those attachment feelings aren't only in the way I said above about friendship, but also in the sense that I felt she had my back. She was able to help me get from a situation where I was unable to function and trying to kill myself to a situation where I have a stable and relatively calm life. Her advice and support was my point of reference during the worst parts of those years, and so I also feel like I have lost that. So it's more similar to the attachment to a parent figure. Clearly, there's a moment where it's good to move on, but the way it happened has left me without a sense of closure.

I think I had fallen into thinking that I must decide right now if I'm going to look for another therapist or not, but there's no reason to decide anything now. I'm going to keep working on my issues as I had been doing, adding now the issues related to fears of abandonment that have been "awakened" by this situation. And when I feel more centered, I can make a decision. Also if I for any reason got significantly worse, I would look for help, but I don't think that's going to happen.