An Unbreakable Phobia

[Xagan]

Hi everyone,

I'm wondering whether anyone can help me, I'm soon to be starting my second year at university, and already the dread and fear is setting in.

Public speaking. In any form. It absolutely petrifies me. It's getting to the point now where it's playing on my mind all day, I'm struggling to get to sleep at night as I'm so anxious. I don't know what public speaking situations I will be confronted with in the coming weeks or months, but I undoubtedly expect that it will happen at some point, either a planned presentation or spontaneously. Even being in the limelight terrifies me, without having to even talk, but I can certainly say that it's the talking that terrifies me most.

I have a stutter, and I've spent most of my life trying to hide it, either by avoiding words/speaking situations or by not speaking when I know I will stutter. There are people I've known for a long time who don't even know I have a stutter, at least until I attended a speech therapy programme a few months ago. The programme changed my old ways of hiding my stutter, as it emphasized being honest and open about stuttering, so when I do a presentation, I was taught that I should be deliberately disfluent at the start, so that the fact that I have a stutter is out in the open, and the fear of stuttering should be lessened. I was taught that I shouldn't go into a speaking situation trying to portray myself as someone who is a fluent speaker, as that's probably the reason I have this super intense fear of public speaking. Anyway, I hope I can put what I was told on the course into practice, as openly stuttering in front of my classmates is something I struggle to see myself doing. Besides, when the fact that I have a stutter is out, the techniques I was taught to help me get words out that I'm struggling with (which do work) are strange, I have to talk in a kind of deep voice that is different to my natural tone, so again, I don't know how I'm going to pull this off in front of my classmates.

Anyway, back to the fear itself. I will try to be specific, but I hope you understand that ultimately it's just such an intense fear that it's difficult to explain. I seem to have this obsession with appearing perfect, and in control, not fearful of anything, a persona I can easily portray when mingling among my classmates, but up in front of the class, there's nowhere to hide, and any sign of my nerves (which I believe will be perceived as a weakness) will be there for all to see. All of this may also be linked with my obsession with girls and my inability to attract them. I've never been good at flirting or engaging in romantic relationships, I'm great with socializing with girls in a friendly way, just not in an intimate or romantic sense. So maybe I'm just obsessed with not showing any weakness. I hope you don't mind me being honest with this stuff.

In the past, I've left courses because I couldn't bear the public speaking situations that I would have encountered, in fact, I've left one of the best jobs I've ever had because of it. One time, I had to merely go up to the front of the class and say my name, where I'm from etc, literally not even a minute's worth. Well, the moments leading up to it were nothing short of horrific, I can even say that at times like that, death even seems preferable to going through it. Anyway, after the wait was over, and it was my turn, I got up and said my bit, and like usual in these situations, though I have absolutely no idea how (as my heart almost breaks through my rib-cage), I put across a competent flow of words and show no nerves, or at the very most a little anxiousness which doesn't appear uncommon. However, on this particular occasion, once I returned to my seat, I had the worst panic attack I've ever had, to the point that I had to suddenly get up and leave the room. I ended up insisting that I have an ambulance called, I could barely speak, I couldn't move my fingers, they were rock solid. I calmed down way before the ambulance arrived. I lied about the whole thing and said that I just suffer with panic attacks from time to time.

I'm actually starting to wonder whether it's worth putting myself through the pain of trying to break past this fear, as I have ongoing struggles with anxiety, panic, severe depression, and depersonalisation/derealisation. I'm wondering whether I can only make things worse by going through such mental strain. Having said that, maybe having this fear is a burden on my subconscious, maybe I need to somehow free myself from it, I don't know.

Any advice or words of strength would be hugely appreciated. I'm willing to put a lot of effort into this, I just feel like I need to be pointed in the right direction.

Thank you.

P.S. Due to my psychological difficulties, I'm determined to get through this without taking any substances, especially at the moment anyway. I know that might seem extreme, but at the moment I'm doing well by just abstaining from everything and finding balance in life, I would like to keep it this way for the time being.

 

[Koornut]

How often do you dance?

 

[PH0Man]

I often found that being in groups helped, so maybe see everyone you're speaking to as being part of your group?

 

[Psychelectric]

Hi Xagan,

I too have had difficulties public speaking. There were times in my younger days that I even had difficulties speaking to people who were not my close friends. This deep fear of not being accepted welled up inside of me and I would mumble around people and display all manner of nervous tendencies. I think the bottom of my feelings was that I felt, much as you do that everyone would look directly into my soul and see all of my imperfections, they'll hear my childish mispronunciations or something that I said unclear and that would be their sole reason to never want to talk to me again and I would be only a few dysfluencies away from never being able to make friends.

But as it turns out all of those feelings were paranoia. The truth is your average person is probably more focused on themselves than you, especially in a classroom session where people are forced to read blurbs from essays or other mundane topics. Whether it be reading a chapter for a lit class from an enthusiastic professor of poetry or reading your term paper on hippocampus damage in chimpanzees, very few people are probably going to care, with the exception of the professor. And nervousness is forgivable they've seen it before, as fear of public speaking is one of the most common phobias. This is an age where people pretend to type on their laptops in class to masquerade the fact that they are watching porn, chatting on Facebook, or playing some game, at least where I am from.

The best advice I can give you, is to persevere.. Practice. Maybe get some friends together and read them a poem you like, see if you can develop the rhythm of the poetry too, which will help your speech. Build your confidence with more and more friends. Try this with your family. That's a good way to practice. Also on another note, I'm not a fan of your speech therapist's advice to deliberately be dysfluent, I don't think that's right.

Also pursue and study what interests you. Honestly my fear of public speaking was a non issue when I spoke of subjects I was passionate and knowledgable about. It almost felt like there was another voice speaking instead of me. Many times professors let you choose topics to speak about. Cultivate your passions, once you build up, slowly and over time, you probably will find the fear dissolving away.

The best thing to do, is face your fear, start slow and build up. Don't be discouraged.

Fear is a mind killer. To continue to carry the burden, is to carry a burden on your soul. Face the fear, conquer the fear, and then the fear won't control you. You will control you.

I used to be afraid of heights, then my grandfather invited everyone in the family who wanted to, to go skydiving. I signed up. I'm no longer afraid of heights.

 

[Nathanial.Dread]

The line between anxiety disorders is not a hard and fast one, but what you're describing sounds more severe than a phobia, which usually don't cause chronic distress unless you're being confronted with the trigger. If you're feeling like you can't stop thinking about something that's causing you distress, especially if the thoughts are in the form of 'what if xyz', you may be suffering from a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Not all forms of OCD involve obvious compulsions (like hand-washing), some can be invisible, or mental coping mechanisms, such as 'testing' behavior, or avoidance. You can look up Pure OCD and see if that fits with your experience.

I only bring this up because I suffered from undiagosed POCD for years, and was treated for phobias and generalized anxiety, which usually involve treatments that POCD is not responisve to.

Blessings
~ND

 

[Metanoia]

Psychelectric and Nathanial give some great advice.

People really don't pay attention as much as you may think, it's true. It usually takes something interesting (to them) for people to give real focus. Like Psychelectric said, when you're speaking or thinking about something that really fascinates you all the fear and worry seem to drop away. Find those things that really capture your attention, the things you really love. When I found these things my normally extremely poor oratory skills fall away and I start speaking incredibly eloquently, calm, centered, in that "flow" state that Jason Silva has talked about

I also disagree with the therapist's advice. I understand exposure therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy but deliberately stuttering isn't going to get you over your fear. I think the advice to practice, practice, practice is more sound. Do it in a small group of close friends until you gain some confidence that you can get some control of your fear. Because the root of all of this is the fear, not the stuttering or the public speaking. A good suggestion would be to go to an open mic night somewhere and just speak about something you're really passionate about. Terrifying to get up in front of strangers, of course, but perhaps in a less formal setting it could be beneficial. Every open mic night I've been to there is an obvious lack of judgement by most of the people there. They go to have fun and laugh, maybe be moved by some poetry or some philosophical piece. They would care less if you began stuttering and walked off the stage. It would be "okay, what's next?"

Fear truly is the mindkiller. But once you face your fear there will be nothing, only you will remain

 

[Xagan]

I just wanted to say a massive thank you to everyone who responded and gave advice, it's much appreciated All that was said is extremely helpful and I'm going to use the advice to power me through any challenges that are ahead, mainly a presentation in November that I have to do!

Thank you again.

 

[Ufostrahlen]

Stutter: MDMA (google stutter + MDMA)
Stage fright: beta-blocker like Propranolol (not psychoactive, just slows down your heartbeat)

Due to my psychological difficulties, I'm determined to get through this without taking any substances.

But of course, facing fears without drugs is a good cure anyway. Build slowly, but surely. Good luck.