Probably one of the more important issues I face and one that has received the least attention from me in my attempts at betterment, is anger, and with some circumstance over the last couple weeks, I have been with it intimately and been forced to examine my relationship with the emotion. Damn it. I'm not going into the circumstance, other than to vent , it is not a worthwhile endeavor, suffice to say that several events involving myself and interactions with other humans have ranged from the simply disappointing to the disrespectful to the egregious. In such a manner as to be escalatory, one after the other exceeding the last in it's ability to consume my thoughts until I was left literally seething in rage, contemplating what actions I could take, most of which ranged from the injurious to the downright murderous. I say these things because while the thoughts were there, the ability to act upon them is not. Which leaves me so frustrated as to be in tears.
Upon being delivered with a blow that shook my world, and the fact that the person who dealt it does not in my estimation deserve anything but the just desserts of pain and misery due to the amount he regularly puts into the world, I had feelings that I've only experienced once or twice in my life, feelings that led to a bad place before. Briefly, the last straw was a junky, who I occasionally help with a little weed or a cigarette here and there in my neighborhood stole something, I caught him and berated him for doing so, then he returned and stole everything I own, which isn't much but it's mine, robbing me blind. There was a witness. When I discovered what happened, which was soon after, I searched for the guy, and if I had found him, I'd probably be on my way to prison now. I can't believe how consumed I became. Instead I went and talked to a social worker friend, a female who I felt could talk me down, and she did, reminding me of my path, to spread light, no matter how wounded, to carry the banner. To fall into the clutches of hate, to throw everything away into a conflagration of blood and violence, succumbing to all the negativity that has ever been heaped upon me and scarred my psyche, to die, is not an option.
God. Damn. It.
What is? None of the cultures I belong to tell me to do anything but destroy this person with violence. It is if I am obligated to, and I hate the idea so much I am at a loss. As a man, as a member of a certain "street' culture, the members of whom I consider myself a certain type of outreach to, in any one of the small cultures I belong to in this society I am viewed as weak for not reacting with physical force, were I to find the thief. Except this one here. I feel this is my most important, this path I am on and the members who share it with me, may, if anyone, understand what I'm saying here.
I know what I'm going to do, and no it does not involve any of the things I have so far intimated, in fact it goes against all I want to do, but is what I feel is right. To be example, to change the way things are and both the way I feel and the way that society pushes me to kill, I have to do what I feel is right. Taking the high road isnt comfortable for me, I'm more used to the scenic route...
Upon being delivered with a blow that shook my world, and the fact that the person who dealt it does not in my estimation deserve anything but the just desserts of pain and misery due to the amount he regularly puts into the world, I had feelings that I've only experienced once or twice in my life, feelings that led to a bad place before. Briefly, the last straw was a junky, who I occasionally help with a little weed or a cigarette here and there in my neighborhood stole something, I caught him and berated him for doing so, then he returned and stole everything I own, which isn't much but it's mine, robbing me blind. There was a witness. When I discovered what happened, which was soon after, I searched for the guy, and if I had found him, I'd probably be on my way to prison now. I can't believe how consumed I became. Instead I went and talked to a social worker friend, a female who I felt could talk me down, and she did, reminding me of my path, to spread light, no matter how wounded, to carry the banner. To fall into the clutches of hate, to throw everything away into a conflagration of blood and violence, succumbing to all the negativity that has ever been heaped upon me and scarred my psyche, to die, is not an option.
God. Damn. It.
What is? None of the cultures I belong to tell me to do anything but destroy this person with violence. It is if I am obligated to, and I hate the idea so much I am at a loss. As a man, as a member of a certain "street' culture, the members of whom I consider myself a certain type of outreach to, in any one of the small cultures I belong to in this society I am viewed as weak for not reacting with physical force, were I to find the thief. Except this one here. I feel this is my most important, this path I am on and the members who share it with me, may, if anyone, understand what I'm saying here.
I know what I'm going to do, and no it does not involve any of the things I have so far intimated, in fact it goes against all I want to do, but is what I feel is right. To be example, to change the way things are and both the way I feel and the way that society pushes me to kill, I have to do what I feel is right. Taking the high road isnt comfortable for me, I'm more used to the scenic route...
A belly full laugh a day keeps the diseases away, I say. 
