Anxiety given the boot by first breakthrough

[ConnectedSoul]

I'm new here and would love to get some perspective on what was my first breakthrough. It took place about 3 weeks ago, I haven't posted about it before because I've been deciphering it all...but now I'd dearly like some opinions/advice!

As a background: I'm in my 40's married with kids, regular smoker of weed, no stranger to psychedelics (acid and shrooms - but not in the last 20 odd years). I've been looking into DMT for about 18 months and done the recommended reading. The main reason I was attracted to it is the desire to help an anxiety disorder that I've suffered with for about the last 7 years. I'd heard that DMT might possibly help.

I dosed way too high. I'd convinced myself I couldn't breakthrough due to previous failure (3 times) to do so. I now realise that in fact, my vaping was poor on the previous attempts and after upping the dose to 100mg (spice) I got the vaping right this time and KABOOM!!! Prior to DMT I was in a hell of a fix - finding it harder and harder to be a decent hubby and a dad. I wanted to hit the reset button and it seems like that's exactly what I did. My life changed with one inhalation...all for the better. Here's how it went, in short...

My wife was my sitter. Kids all in bed. After 10pm. I used a very crude, homemade cut-off-bottle-style vapouriser, with tin foil over the end and self extracted spice. The result was 100mg of successfully vaped spice in the 2 liter chamber of the bottle...taken in one hit. I would NOT recommend anyone to do similar. In hindsight it was foolhardy indeed. But I got the BT I was after. It was incredibly fast to come on, which is what I found the most scary part... the speed of entry, I was gone in less than 5 seconds...and as they say, it was beyond words...very intense. I had this total amnesia ... I literally didn't know anything after the breakthrough flash. I was just in this... void, yes a bit deja-vu, didn't know where I was, or even who I was. I had no prior recollections of my life. No point of reference and no memory of "entry"...what the hell just happened? Certainly no memory of the DMT hit. It was so utterly confusing that I panicked of course....the single most terrifying experience of my life, without a doubt. I really had no concept of ever having been human, in fact I really had no idea about anything for quite a while...yes, scary indeed. But obviously my dose was stupidly high. I was lucky that I had my wife as sitter and would say it was the single most important thing to me. I would recommend the same to anyone. I couldn't imagine ever doing it alone.

Despite the terror in the moment, I would like to get back in there, I know that, but I guess there's still a lot for me to process at the moment. To be honest I think I'd be pretty scared to do it right now. I'm just going to wait for the right time to come. And I need some help with a few questions so that I can plan the next time a bit better...

In future I'm going to be very careful with dosing and I'm going to get myself a GVG too. Is it possible to be more controlled about breaking through?...I simply had no control at all. I want to get up to threshold...and maybe just beyond.... I thought to load 20mg spice and see how it goes. I'm a hash pipe smoker , so don't have trouble with the smoke, I can do it in one hit. But take myself up a bit more gently with a lower dose...? I don't think I had a "normal" breakthrough experience with it being such a high dose. A lot of it I don't recall now....but I'm able to process it "vibrationally"...at the risk of sounding cheesey!...it really is the most incredible thing that ever happened to me.

What I need to know is what a breakthrough is like when it's not a crazy big dose like I did? Does one similarly get this total amnesia typically? And no sense at all of the physical? (what I called an actual death experience)...Are all breakthroughs so intense as mine, or does it depend on the dose ie. is there such a thing as a mild BT and a strong BT???...As you can tell, I'm new to this....

One troubling part was that I got up and wandered around a bit, only a minute after take off. My wife reports that about a minute after the hit I stood up (I was just repeating " I'm ok" over and over). I didn't make it far and then she got me back on the sofa, but I was up again...first contact I had back with physical, I remember being on the floor, I started off laying on the sofa. Is it normal to move around? I thought one became pretty immobile...?

So the after effects have been pretty profound. Immediately after the most terrifying experience of my life, I felt really great...and it goes on. The grumpiness, which was one of the main manifestations of the anxiety, is gone. For how long? My general level of well being is massively elevated, like someone took off a weight for me. I really can't say just how profound the effects have been. And it really is the best thing that I ever done for my parenting, I can now deal with my kids with so much more compassion...the love was never missing, but I was never properly on their level. I am now .

Any and all advice/opinion for a newbie would be welcome.

Peace and love X

 

[Spaced Out 2]

Welcome friend

I'm glad that you had a sitter for that. 100mg vaped is a hell of a dose, overkill to say the least, but you survived intact and sounds as if you gained some benefit as a result. Full blown BTs are intense, and just as hard to recall details shortly after the trip, very normal. It's like trying to recall an entire dream a week after having it, very difficult.

If you're wanting to explore at lower dose or at a little slower pace then I will have to recommend Changa if you don't mind smoalking. The included harmala alkaloids slow the onset just a tad, and I mean just a tad, but it also prolongs it just a bit too and you can take it as far as you would like by taking another hit that doesn't require any special vaping technique, just smoalk like it's weed. Changa is my go to for the time being, there's a gentleness about it that I like, probably due to the harmalas. But that's one of your options, Aya/Pharma being another.

I still get jitters before taking a journey even though I've had many, it's just the anxiety of knowing what's about to happen, but I'm always grateful afterwards.

Welcome to the community, I'm glad you got some results from your experience, can't say how long that can/will last, but hopefully it will become a permanent part of your life and eliminate the anxiety altogether.

Be safe! And have happy journeys friend:thumb_up:


Peace
SO2

 

[waitwhatwhere]

I would second the suggestion of changa--it's a smoother, more natural way to smoke. By 'natural' I mean most of us have smoked a joint or pipe on the edge of wakefulness: this experience is helpful when smoalking changa. I particularly like a mixture that includes a ~25% 10x caapi leaf component. Of course you could always pre-dose with sublingual harmalas...

That said, I don't worry so much about my dose, but my preparation. Do the dishes. Answer your emails. Do the thing you've been putting off. Fast for all or half the day, meditate, do yoga, or all three. Set your intention. Light some candles. After all, they say one should not show up on the doorstep of the spirits without something to ask. These practices reduce the transition stress (for me). I like to burn a specific incense each time to jog my memory that things are about to get weird. So I may be considered reckless with regard to dose, but with appropriate intention and preparation, breakthroughs become blessings, change a welcome guest.

I like sitters or witnesses. Choose them carefully, as you did with your wife. DMT is best used around people with whom you feel safe, perhaps even intimately connected.

Enjoy!

 

[TGO]

Well, I can't help it, I am going to third this motion to make changa! Welcome to the Nexus!

If it helps, all of your questions are quite normal. 100mg is a massive dose, more than enough to send most running for the hills, but you managed it and came out fully together and with a handful of insight (and a handful of questions ) which is a beautiful thing, not to be taken lightly.

In order for a breakthrough to go smoothly, you have to let go of the controls (or at least loosen them), otherwise you may be in for a bumpy ride. Trust in the experience. Trust in yourself. For the longest time I would fight against the sheer power of DMT, trying to exude my own will instead of simply watching, listening and interacting when necessary.

I have heard of people getting up and moving around while on DMT although I'm unsure of how common it is. I know it is very possible with Aya or pharmahuasca and have experienced it but with smoked DMT I am usually plastered to my bed/chair/furniture etc. I wouldn't worry too much about it as everyone is different, plus having someone you trust as a sitter can help manage that, and it seems you have the proper candidate for that! :d

As for light breakthroughs and heavy breakthroughs, that is some hefty subject matter that many of us could debate for days on end. I find that breakthroughs actually tend to top themselves...as in,

"oh you thought that was interesting? Have a look at this then..."

My expectations get shattered every time. It is impossible to know what to expect, all you can do is prepare yourself to accept whatever information is thrown at you. And when it comes to amnesia, that is quite common, on any level of a breakthrough but I find that if you focus on 3 things while you are there, it gets easier to recall the trip when you are back down on Earth. The power of 3 is important and with time and practice, you can get better at recalling more things and events while in hyperspace.

As a final thought, don't get too wrapped up in dosages, as DMT has a mind of it's own, seemingly. I've broken through on 25mg before and then with the same batch, it took 40mg+...it is a strange thing, indeed. That is one of the reasons why I switched to changa, I feel like there is more consistency than just vaping freebase...anywho, welcome to the forum again, and may you have a blessed day!

PEACE

 

[holonick]

Hello...Your story sort of made me freak out a bit...
I had my first time a little while ago...a few months ago and it also freaked me out a bit. Part of what I remember was that the feeling I had from the environment, was that I was sort of a tourist. A tourist who was intruding. It freaked me out...I really wanted to go back in there afterwards but, at the same time, was scared of it. I Felt like I had missed the opportunity to receive some sort of info and blew it by being afraid. I guess the irony is that, that in itself, is the lesson (maybe).
Anyway, I havent been back yet...still trying to work out what it all was...I think I have produced too many theories now. I should probably stop trying to break it down and let it wash over me...or go back in and take it as it comes...with love and not fear

 

[ConnectedSoul]

Welcome friend

I'm glad that you had a sitter for that. 100mg vaped is a hell of a dose, overkill to say the least, but you survived intact and sounds as if you gained some benefit as a result. Full blown BTs are intense, and just as hard to recall details shortly after the trip, very normal. It's like trying to recall an entire dream a week after having it, very difficult.

If you're wanting to explore at lower dose or at a little slower pace then I will have to recommend Changa if you don't mind smoalking. The included harmala alkaloids slow the onset just a tad, and I mean just a tad, but it also prolongs it just a bit too and you can take it as far as you would like by taking another hit that doesn't require any special vaping technique, just smoalk like it's weed. Changa is my go to for the time being, there's a gentleness about it that I like, probably due to the harmalas. But that's one of your options, Aya/Pharma being another.

I still get jitters before taking a journey even though I've had many, it's just the anxiety of knowing what's about to happen, but I'm always grateful afterwards.

Welcome to the community, I'm glad you got some results from your experience, can't say how long that can/will last, but hopefully it will become a permanent part of your life and eliminate the anxiety altogether.

Be safe! And have happy journeys friend:thumb_up:


Peace
SO2

Thanks for the welcome...and the changa advice. I'll look into it now.

Basically, I've had such an incredible thing happen in my life (DMT), that I simply can't sit back now and let it go...it's way too important! So I'm looking for the less scary, less intense way to get back in there. And changa sounds like a good option. Thanks. Do you think with the changa it will leave me with this sense of utter confusion, as in my first BT??...not knowing where I am, what happened, what's going on or even who I am... or will I have some idea of what's actually happening?

:?

X

 

[ConnectedSoul]

Hello...Your story sort of made me freak out a bit...
I had my first time a little while ago...a few months ago and it also freaked me out a bit. Part of what I remember was that the feeling I had from the environment, was that I was sort of a tourist. A tourist who was intruding. It freaked me out...I really wanted to go back in there afterwards but, at the same time, was scared of it. I Felt like I had missed the opportunity to receive some sort of info and blew it by being afraid. I guess the irony is that, that in itself, is the lesson (maybe).
Anyway, I havent been back yet...still trying to work out what it all was...I think I have produced too many theories now. I should probably stop trying to break it down and let it wash over me...or go back in and take it as it comes...with love and not fear

Indeed, it seemed like the crazy dose I took made me miss out on a big part of the experience through fear
But now I'm left knowing that there is so much more in there, and I need to get back in to do the work! If you've been in once and come out unscathed then the logic tells you it's safe to go again
But steady as she goes Mr Scott...Wishing you all the best for future exploration friend.
X

 

[ConnectedSoul]

Well, I can't help it, I am going to third this motion to make changa! Welcome to the Nexus!

If it helps, all of your questions are quite normal. 100mg is a massive dose, more than enough to send most running for the hills, but you managed it and came out fully together and with a handful of insight (and a handful of questions ) which is a beautiful thing, not to be taken lightly.

In order for a breakthrough to go smoothly, you have to let go of the controls (or at least loosen them), otherwise you may be in for a bumpy ride. Trust in the experience. Trust in yourself. For the longest time I would fight against the sheer power of DMT, trying to exude my own will instead of simply watching, listening and interacting when necessary.

I have heard of people getting up and moving around while on DMT although I'm unsure of how common it is. I know it is very possible with Aya or pharmahuasca and have experienced it but with smoked DMT I am usually plastered to my bed/chair/furniture etc. I wouldn't worry too much about it as everyone is different, plus having someone you trust as a sitter can help manage that, and it seems you have the proper candidate for that! :d

As for light breakthroughs and heavy breakthroughs, that is some hefty subject matter that many of us could debate for days on end. I find that breakthroughs actually tend to top themselves...as in,

"oh you thought that was interesting? Have a look at this then..."

My expectations get shattered every time. It is impossible to know what to expect, all you can do is prepare yourself to accept whatever information is thrown at you. And when it comes to amnesia, that is quite common, on any level of a breakthrough but I find that if you focus on 3 things while you are there, it gets easier to recall the trip when you are back down on Earth. The power of 3 is important and with time and practice, you can get better at recalling more things and events while in hyperspace.

As a final thought, don't get too wrapped up in dosages, as DMT has a mind of it's own, seemingly. I've broken through on 25mg before and then with the same batch, it took 40mg+...it is a strange thing, indeed. That is one of the reasons why I switched to changa, I feel like there is more consistency than just vaping freebase...anywho, welcome to the forum again, and may you have a blessed day!

PEACE

Thanks so much for your comments...and the welcome. What a fantastic community this is!

Great advice to let go of the controls...exactly the opposite of what I did, I think. That made it very hard work. But I completely get what you mean here...will try my best next time.

So the 3 things...are they 3 things I get from in there, or 3 things I take in with me?
So with the amnesia...I'm going to be pretty clueless of who I am, where I am, what just happened etc., each time I go to BT?

Thanks again friend.

X

 

[TGO]

Well, I can't help it, I am going to third this motion to make changa! Welcome to the Nexus!

If it helps, all of your questions are quite normal. 100mg is a massive dose, more than enough to send most running for the hills, but you managed it and came out fully together and with a handful of insight (and a handful of questions ) which is a beautiful thing, not to be taken lightly.

In order for a breakthrough to go smoothly, you have to let go of the controls (or at least loosen them), otherwise you may be in for a bumpy ride. Trust in the experience. Trust in yourself. For the longest time I would fight against the sheer power of DMT, trying to exude my own will instead of simply watching, listening and interacting when necessary.

I have heard of people getting up and moving around while on DMT although I'm unsure of how common it is. I know it is very possible with Aya or pharmahuasca and have experienced it but with smoked DMT I am usually plastered to my bed/chair/furniture etc. I wouldn't worry too much about it as everyone is different, plus having someone you trust as a sitter can help manage that, and it seems you have the proper candidate for that! :d

As for light breakthroughs and heavy breakthroughs, that is some hefty subject matter that many of us could debate for days on end. I find that breakthroughs actually tend to top themselves...as in,

"oh you thought that was interesting? Have a look at this then..."

My expectations get shattered every time. It is impossible to know what to expect, all you can do is prepare yourself to accept whatever information is thrown at you. And when it comes to amnesia, that is quite common, on any level of a breakthrough but I find that if you focus on 3 things while you are there, it gets easier to recall the trip when you are back down on Earth. The power of 3 is important and with time and practice, you can get better at recalling more things and events while in hyperspace.

As a final thought, don't get too wrapped up in dosages, as DMT has a mind of it's own, seemingly. I've broken through on 25mg before and then with the same batch, it took 40mg+...it is a strange thing, indeed. That is one of the reasons why I switched to changa, I feel like there is more consistency than just vaping freebase...anywho, welcome to the forum again, and may you have a blessed day!

PEACE

Thanks so much for your comments...and the welcome. What a fantastic community this is!

Great advice to let go of the controls...exactly the opposite of what I did, I think. That made it very hard work. But I completely get what you mean here...will try my best next time.

So the 3 things...are they 3 things I get from in there, or 3 things I take in with me?
So with the amnesia...I'm going to be pretty clueless of who I am, where I am, what just happened etc., each time I go to BT?

Thanks again friend.

X

hey sorry, I should have clarified a bit more. I try to focus on at least three things while I'm in the depths of hyperspace. And it could be any number of things, objects, impossible shapes, colors, emotions, physical sensations, buildings, tunnels, landscapes, entities (or what an entity says, does, or shows you...), etc. The problem with hyperspace is that it is essentially a sensory overload and the vast amount of information being tossed in your direction is hard to digest, even among experienced DMT enthusiasts. I have found that if you can latch onto a couple of those things mentioned above then you can bring that information back with you and use it to piece together the trip. This seems to work better than just trying to remember everything. Most of my DMT experience reports are but a fraction of what I saw, but that is just part of it.

It really takes a lot of practice and patience to engage in the madness that is hyperspace. I'd love to say you get used to it, but that isn't really true with this substance. But on the other hand, that is another reason why I like it so much.

Also, it is handy to have a notebook nearby. As soon as I can see clearly, I start writing because once you are back in your body, the memory starts to fade very rapidly, in a similar fashion to dreams.

With a 100mg dose, it is not unusual to experience what some call "the void" and losing your sense of self is essentially an ego-death, which is also common with powerful psychedelics. With lower doses you can remain attached to this physical realm somewhat...almost like being caught in a limbo of dimensions, which is weird and even harder to describe accurately...But being completely dissolved into an immersive experience is pretty much the point of DMT, for the record.

:d

Finally, if you want to read a little more about the "focusing on three" I wrote a little about it in a thread about photographic memory.

And about being nervous or scared about going back hits home for most of us. I have a trip report on the nexus that addresses that matter specifically if you are interested:

Fear and Respect

Anyway, hopefully this cleared some things up for you. Good luck and I am looking forward to reading about your next experience, whenever that may be!

 

[ConnectedSoul]

Can't thank you enough for your advice! :d

With regard to remembering...much of the detail is now gone. I get flashes. But I'm really lucky to have my wife to talk to about the experience. She lets me get stuff out and things are coming back to me more and more. It's like there was an energy imprint left on my emotions and that's what I'm "reading" and deciphering. I don't remember being given any "messages" or anything, but I am changed in so many different, subtle ways...it's like an intuitive memory that acts on me and causes the change....This hyperspace is the most unbelievable thing, it really is. I feel blessed to have been in there...and so grateful.

I'll check out those links...thanks.

And I'll keep you posted on the next experience. I know I'm committed to this, so there's no way I can turn my back at this point in the show! I feel comfy with my plan to dose lower...whether freebase or changa...try and get my self familiar so to say. I never need to do the high dose again, and I'd never recommend it. I'll try and find the dose that brings me just into hyperspace...I feel like it's a matter of being brave enough 8) ...but I will get there.

Peace and love X

 

[○]

Yeah freebase is pretty quick and abrupt, though accurate dosing with freebase and GVG is one of the prime methods used here over the years.

Though my personal favorite is changa, hands down. I know i've seen quite a few members here that really like the more ayahuasca-style changa [1:1 dmt:harmalas] which by it's nature is a relatively heavy blend - harmala-wise. That in itself could present strong somatic effects beyond that of just DMT or a lighter harmala'd changa blend, different kind of beast ime.

There's a sweet spot for me i've found with changa, adding just enough harmalas to illicit a reasonable buildup of tryptamine in the brain without being completely overbearing in harmala effects [which a harmala heavy blend can greatly alter the DMT experience and/or add it's own flavor].

I typically go for 300mg[+/- a few mg] of harmala freebase [usually from caapi vine] per 1g of DMT used per 1g of herb blend, to where there is just enough inhibition initially to allow a strong buildup of tryptamine without it being immediately shunted through the brain, meaning I can sit there and instead having to get as much DMT freebase as possible within 30 seconds or less, it'll open up the initial time window a great deal longer for me, within the few minute range [to get as many tokes as needed to go as deeply as needed without the harmalas really imparting much change to the DMT experience]. Though that's only if I want to take my time.

Though most of the time I take the whole dose in 1 or 2 hits, which I guess kind of negates the purpose of changa, though I really have come to appreciate and like the enhancement of the DMT experience with the addition of this bit of caapi harmalas, by far the most life changing thing i've taken.