At a challenging crossroads

[Mother_Gaia]

Hello all. I have never posted here before. I have lurked a bit, but have historically used reddit to blog about dmt. I consider myself decently experienced with the stuff, and I have some pretty interesting stories to share, and I will be most happy to do so! But right now I am at a point where I think I need some help, or at least someone to talk to. It seems lately like my experiences have turned quite dark. I am not a stranger to a challenging trip, dmt included, but it seems different lately. Please try not to judge (I know you all won't here hence why I am posting) but some of it might seem a little weird. I will try to describe what I am experiencing in my recent trips.

It feels like I'm at a crossroads, and lately when I smoke it feels like I am almost up against a seemingly impossible wall. Now, I know what you're thinking, you're thinking I've only made it to the waiting room. But please hear me out as I would suggest I have broken through quite a few times before. But this is different. It feels like I'm going to die. And I don't even think it is ego death. It feels like I am going to experience the worst sensation that exists in the entire universe. The trip typically starts off normally, and I'll be in a good head space, but within a few minutes it just feels like something is going wrong. It starts with stomach convulsions. My stomach tightens up a lot and I start shaking and I begin to feel this God fucking awful burning death sensation. I can't even describe it. Its weird too because I FEEL it, but I also almost don't at the same time? The feeling begins and it feels like it is going to keep getting worse and worse and worse, and I will die. I cannot even describe how fucking terrifying this feeling is. It is also accompanied with an very uncomfortable "remembering". It feels like I am remembering this fundamental truth of reality, and it is what I've been running from my entire life/possibly lifetimes. Like this is the Truth with a capitol T, and it has always been and there is nothing I can do about it. It feels like at the very core of creation itself, life is manifest out of pure pain. I guess? I don't know how else to describe it. It is this God awful, contracting, burning death feeling.

And there is yet one more layer that is present, a seemingly unshakeable feeling of Christian metaphor. To provide a quick context to this, I was a RADICAL atheist until I tried DMT. But when I get to this point I have this unshakeable feeling of sacrifice. Of Christ and sacrifice. Like I'm Christ. And it is simply my destiny and there is nothing I can do about it. And it feels so unbelievably unfair and betraying. I know this sounds ridiculous please forgive me but this is how I feel when I am there. And I feel so torn. Part of me feels the molecule is trying to tell me to stop/slow down. And part of me feels this is a threshold that I must gain the courage to push through. I'm very conflicted. But it really is terrifying and I just feel pretty lost right now. For so long the DMT felt like my guide to the spirit world, and it was so magical and wonderful. Now it just feels like this impossible burden that I can't shake. I hope someone here can at least share their perspective or might have some ideas to share. I know you all can only do so much as this is such a personal journey but it would be nice to be able to discuss it. Thank you for reading

 

[Hailstorm]

Remember where you started. Go back in time and look for something true and important, that used to matter, that you can re-anchor yourself to.

Call your mother if you still can: she will be happy to hear your voice. She was the first human in your life. She was the edge of the Universe when you lived inside her.

Quit DMT if it is possessing you. You have heard the message, so hang up. You are definitely not Christ, but there may be some people who need you - perhaps your family and friends. Put yourself back together for them, and let it be your miracle and sacrifice.

It was your brain that rendered both the incredible worlds you saw and the unspeakable, sinister, bottomless evil you witnessed. Your brain now needs to rest and recover. A few months off will do.

 

[PedroSanchez]

firstly, welcome to the forum!

DMT often has the affect of making one feel "special" when used a lot, usually in a way similar to how you described, like they are a messenger, or they have a job to do, etc.
i think it is important to stay humble as far as the molecule is concerned, both in your journeys and your integration of it.
DMT is a tool to visit and interact with the other world, it does not make us a conduit.

whether that is causing the negative trip or not, i dont know. usually, for me, the smallest negative emotion can be amplified and reflect as a scary trip.
one of the most difficult hurdles is that the more it happens the more likely it is to happen again, because we worry about it before leaving.
i think the reason is somewhere deep inside your mind, or maybe not even deep, maybe you already know about it.

it could be useful to take a break from DMT and take some time to figure it out?
psilocybin helps me clear my mind of 'demons'. some therapy with that for a while is something i would try in your shoes, but its not for everybody, you will need to figure that out for yourself.


good luck on your path. stay humble

 

[Mother_Gaia]

Thanks to both of you for the replies. Yes I struggle with being humble a lot and I am quite aware of the ego's desire to be a "hero". I guess sometimes it seems so convincing.. and yes I probably need a good break from the stuff, but that's the thing: I have been taking long breaks. I'm not at all overusing or disrespectful. Over the past couple years I have been participating about once every 2-3 months if that. Idk I'm just not sure what has happened it used to be so so magical and now it feels like that is just gone

 

[Ancient Mariner]

A lot of that feeling of the stomach and going to a horrible place reminds me of when I struggled against sleep paralysis instead of letting it bring me to an OBE. I know this is DMT were talking about and you said you've broken through before so maybe you are dealing with something else. While you probably know more than me about what to do at this point, I would suggest taking a good six months away. I mean, being able to do this stuff once in a lifetime can be fulfilling enough.

While I've only had one negative trip, I found one thing that works. I took a long break and when I started again, I began with low mushroom doses. And now I work my way up to more manageable levels of insight. I found I can bring a lot back from even a gram of tea. Anyway, I hope this helps and I think you'll see the magic again.
"Look,
And you never can see it-
It is too Subtle"
-The Tao, Minford translation

 

[Mother_Gaia]

Thank you for your input hopefully

 

[Ancient Mariner]

Ya of course! Another thing I found helpful when dealing with conflicts in my beliefs and in making decisions, is to work on being content without falling into one or the other and just letting it slide past me. There's always that third option that often gets overlooked under stress or anxiety. Not sure if this resonates with you but I thought I would share because it's helped me tremendously

 

[Exitwound]

Thanks to both of you for the replies. Yes I struggle with being humble a lot and I am quite aware of the ego's desire to be a "hero". I guess sometimes it seems so convincing.. and yes I probably need a good break from the stuff, but that's the thing: I have been taking long breaks. I'm not at all overusing or disrespectful. Over the past couple years I have been participating about once every 2-3 months if that. Idk I'm just not sure what has happened it used to be so so magical and now it feels like that is just gone

While a session ever 2-3 months might not seem excessive, you re still probably not giving your brain enough time to integrate your experiences.

I had no idea too, but recently realized that some parts from my first mushroom trip which happened over 7 years ago, were just recently (a couple months ago) "realized"/integrated by me. Puts a perspective on how long you need for integration.

You are not just meat body or just astral body, you are both. Psychedelic experiences definitely alter and affect your meat body brain. Brain needs time to adapt to these experiences.

Listen to your body, listen to your intuition, maybe you are getting the message to lay off usage for a while. Maybe the feelings you get are signals that you are about to break something. Maybe you are pushing yourself to the limit.

Wish you all the best and may your life be full of happiness.

 

[Blazon]

hi,

I am new here,my first post...
I will share my experience,what you are describing is what I went few years ago with mushrooms,every trip turned a bit unpleasant after some time so I took few years off and revisited again,so far so good

In life we go through stages and sometimes due to stress,worries or other things same things aren't what they used to be or as we remmeber them.Looking back now I do realize I was under enourmous pressure(job,young kids) and it was manifesting in my hypespace.

remember if you are the same person as you were 10 years ago you wasted a decade....

Life is too complex and sometimes we need to step back,get those issues sorted and carry on forward