Awkward

[Wax]

Let me first start out by saying I have never been very good at socializing, granted I've got a few really good friends and always have.
Most people seem to like me because I'm easy going and very polite to everyone I meet.
However, I am usually quiet and soft spoken. When I do talk in a group of people I seem to end every conversation and I feel very awkward.
It's like when I speak a silence usually follows and I am not sure why.

I don't think that I am saying anything stupid, I usually keep those thoughts to myself
I don't follow a lot of conventional ways of thinking, as in I don't watch TV, play video games, or waste much time thinking about material stuff. (I"m sure most here are similar in that aspect)
So I usually opt out of conversations relating to those things.

Even so, when the topic is one I can relate to and join in on the conversation I still seem to draw this weird vibe in and I feel very self conscious.
If anyone has the same problems or knows of anything that I could do to become a better socializer any advice is very appreciated!

 

[jbark]

I know all about those awkward silences... IME this happens because you answered too thoroughly and "closed" the discussion.

Best secret I have ever discovered about socializing is this:

Don't answer, but ask. Get people speaking about themselves and everything will flow, in addition to alleviating the stress to speak for you. And turn answers into questions so that the person you are speaking with is invited again to speak of themselves.

Conversations evolve; if you stump the evolution by mistaking a conversation for a platform to impress with how much you know, you will be confronted with silence, just as you will if you simply answer questions that are fired at you. Believe it or not, most people are not that interested in others more than as mirrors to reflect themselves.

Good luck,

JBArk

 

[Ice]

It is funny that you posted this as just the other night a friend mentioned how quiet I was until the more abstract conversations were brought up. i am quiet for the same reasons you are; I have no cable, video games bore me for the most part, I know very little of pop culture, and my interests lie outside of new cars, more money, and more power. She said that there was a general consensus between that group of friends that I am more appreciated as a presence than as a conversationalist. I think I like that.

Jbark seems to have hit the head on the nail with the best explanation of the awkward silences.

One thing I have noticed is that being comfortable as a bystander in conversations actually opens up more doors to join into it. Instead of thinking too hard about not fitting in, just relax and really become a part of the group. Most people don't even notice you aren't talking as long as you are making eye contact and smiling. There is more to conversations than the words being spoken.

 

[RebornInSmoke]

i too, am quiet more than not in group social situations.
however, when you do get me to speak, (ie about something that interests me) i flow like niagra falls.
i tend to go very very in depth about every minute detail and end up going off on many tangents, with the same level of detail, but always finishing each point and then circling back round to the main point of discussion that started it all.


this tend to lead people to be like this-

i think i go into too much depth and detail about everything for the average person. my mind is very different from other people in how it works.
i believe i may have some borderline autism spectrum thing. who knows, if i do it makes no difference.
(look up the symptoms of someone with some autism spectrum "disorder". much describes me well. although im a perfectly fine functional person. no negatives imo)

basically i fry people's minds with info and they are left looking/feeling like that guy in the pic.
too much data at once!

 

[Wax]

Thanks for all the replies.
Jbark, I'm glad you posted because I always return to something you said a while ago in some other thread "Jbark the ender of all conversations" or something along those lines. That is exactly what I think when this happens.
Excellent advice too, I will most definitely try asking more questions rather than stating answers because I do in fact have that problem.

I would hope that people think of me as an appreciated presence as Ice said, that would make me feel a lot better about myself.
I am always smiling and laughing thats all I can really contribute without feeling awkward. Although I do have a problem with eye contact with most people.

RebornInSmoke, I can relate completely to what your saying. I get really into a topic and can talk forever especially if I am inebriated.
Unfortunately I am really interested in entheogens and weird stuff so most people don't want to hear about it, but when I get lucky I can have a nice conversation with someone like minded.
I have often felt that I too have borderline autism as well. I get really into whatever I am researching and consider myself intelligent but my social skills are nil.

I don't mind being quiet most of the time but I can't help but feel like I am missing out on a huge part of life when I can't properly interact with others and be "part of the group"
I occasionally go out to parties or get togethers and it would really be nice to be a part of the social scene instead of a bystander.

 

[mad_banshee]

I know all about those awkward silences... IME this happens because you answered too thoroughly and "closed" the discussion.

Best secret I have ever discovered about socializing is this:

Don't answer, but ask. Get people speaking about themselves and everything will flow, in addition to alleviating the stress to speak for you. And turn answers into questions so that the person you are speaking with is invited again to speak of themselves.

Conversations evolve; if you stump the evolution by mistaking a conversation for a platform to impress with how much you know, you will be confronted with silence, just as you will if you simply answer questions that are fired at you. Believe it or not, most people are not that interested in others more than as mirrors to reflect themselves.

Good luck,

JBArk

Great advice Jbark, just excellent.
I tend to be a closer as well sometimes too. I can be a great conversationalist with the right group of people, but there are many times when I'm with people that I share zero common interest with. Then its really hard. Talking about the weather and stuff only goes so far. On the other hand, if I meet people with shared interests I have no problem carrying on a conversation, but I think that's pretty normal.

A big mistake a few people I know do is to talk on and on without pausing and giving the other person the chance to share their views or experiences. I find that just rude and boring. I have one friend who I have to keep telling him to stop talking every five minutes or so because if I don't he will ramble on and on. A person can only be on the receiving end of that for so long...

As Jbark said so well.. "turn answers into questions so that the person you are speaking with is invited again to speak of themselves." Thanks Jbark! That statement is the highlight of my day and I think its going to be very useful for me.