Bad decisions ..

[Space]

I don't know exactly what I'm wanting from writing this, just any influence of positive energy I think.


A person can go through life making the right decisions to flow to where they are greatly pulled, there greatest desires (straight to the point in my case, I wanted to cross the road rather than messing about in the middle -call it a spiritual path) I was making all them appropriate decisions to follow and flow with this light, which surfaced to my earthly mind. Once this path/light came into my conscious it changed everything, I suddenly was set, and determined to cut out all the things which would take me closer to my goal. I cut bad influences such as so called friends out of my life, I stopped smoking cigs and weed, I embraced different music, I recreated my thinking, and allowed myself to be open in a new way. I also read lots of books, meditated and decided to try oil painting and sketching.

Walking that path led me to make some absolutely jaw-dropping insights that were truly mind blowing. I've changed in such a beautiful way, a very unique way which I am truly grateful for. Now as we expand, comes things we have to process and release. I have spent the last 7yrs processing some massive things. In the last 2yr and 8 months, I've been processing some very harsh things, and it's been non-stop. I've had such a break down, which is good, but I'm in a situation where I'm just 2-3 months off of achieving a great calm in my material world, and now my situation is truly peaking, getting harder, I'm at my weakest I've ever been, I'm like something which has been shattered, but trying to function with all those bits. I use to do at least an hour meditation every day, but now I can't even do it, because I'm stuck, I'm finding this hard to process. The clarity and access to those great spaces I don't have anymore. Only occasionally does this happen, and it's very brief.

The situation at the moment, from an earthy perspective, is I'm stuck in a loop, bouncing back and forth, I'm stuck in-between having a future with someone and not. I met this woman a year a go through a job I had back then, she liked me a lot, and was unhappy with her partner whom she had two children to, and decided to leave him. I never ever wanted to be with someone who had 2 children, I didn't even want a relationship with someone whilst I was living in the UK where I'm at now. I wasn't ready for settling with someone, dedicating myself to someone. I'm going to leave the country, travel a little, then settle on my own in another country, I wanted to focus on work and study only. Thing is, I worked with this girl everyday, just me and her in this little booth, she couldn't take a hint, and at the time I didn't want to make it uncomfortable for myself by offending her by being blunt. I thought to anyone else it would have been obvious, but she kept on chasing me, wouldn't leave me, and after work one time, just came upto me and kissed me. (obviously all the signals she was getting from me didn't show her that I wasn't interested)

As time passed we began to see each other after work, even though I thought she knew this was on a friends only basis. Eventually she told me that we don't have to be serious, she knows I'm going away, and we could just have no strings fun.. I still didn't want this, but didn't directly tell her. She planned on us both going back to hers on our Christmas work-do and getting intimate. When that day came I basically told her that I didn't want any of it, that I didn't want to let myself get too close to anyone. It wouldn't be right for either of us I told her. She broke down crying telling me she's absolutely in love with me, and even though she knows she can't be with me, we could still just have a sexual relationship. that night I kept telling her, over and over, it was so sad to see her like that, I tried to take her to a taxi but she wouldn't get in without me, eventually I gave in.. I said I'll come back to yours but just to literally sleep with you, and give you a cuddle, but nothing else, and I didn't do anything that night.


As time went on working with this girl I suddenly realised we were having a relationship. We got closer and closer and I loved her. I couldn't control myself, I'd never met anyone that loved me like she does. I ended up moving in with her, thinking that I was going to be working in china on a contract offer just 3 months later. They had a problem and couldn't send me, it got delayed. The more I stayed with her, the more I loved her but also realised that this was not what I wanted, or was ready for in my life. I decided to break up with her, someone who I absolutely admired and loved, and because I loved her so much I couldn't do it so easy, when I was away from her I doubted my decision, and got back with her, which I instantly regretted. A week later I moved back out. I spent a month away from her, but missed her more and more each day, eventually the doubt got the better of me, I thought, we could stay in touch whilst I'm away, we may have a future, she said she doesn't mind waiting for me to get settled then move her across abroad. The only way she was going to take me back though was if I got engaged to her.

That I agreed to, I couldn't control myself, I was weak. That was Monday, two days ago. I haven't moved all my stuff back in yet. She has an amazing heart and it's heart to pull away from that gravity. Although I absolutely love her, I still feel it's not right. And that kills me, even having that feeling makes me feel so guilty. I can barely look into her eyes. And from messing her about so badly already, I feel absolutely awful ! I feel ashamed of myself. I feel like there's no way I can leave her now, even though I'm now 100% certain that I just want to be on my own, and follow my original plan. I leave the country in just 2-3 months, and I don't know what to do. You can know 100%, but still not be able to get control sometimes. I'm just so beaten down, tired, doing long hours, and I'm feeling ill. I don't have anyone that can help me either, to just give me positive energy. I've never needed it before, I've had a rough background where I've had to be independent.

I also have other things going off around me. My mother has literally gone crazy. She's mentally not right. And she's giving abuse to her whole family for ridiculous things. My dog who I've had for ten years is having heart problems and is going to drop at any moment.



Everything is crushing me at the moment, and I feel far from my spiritual perspective. I don't want to ruin my life, or someone else's. I've feel so stupid, so bad.. I can't believe what I've done to this girl.. and myself..
Looking into her eyes breaks my heart.. and all over a few bad decisions.. those little actions which last seconds but have consequences which could be with you for the rest of your life..



I've not had an aya session for ages and need one ASAP.

 

[Metanoia]

Times of transition, of change. I can completely relate. I've been going through one myself over the last few months and it's been rough. This is the first time in my life that I'm living alone and it's still something I'm getting used to. I lived with my parents until my early twenties and then moved in with my long-term girlfriend. I lived with her for about seven years and just recently broke it off and moved out on my own. We had problems, serious problems, over the years that I lived with her. Two occasions where I packed a bag full of clothes and left for a week. But I would always doubt myself, and went back. Then instantly regret it. Sound familiar?

I know where you're coming from. And I'm not going to tell you that you need to leave her or break it off. That's just what I did in my situation and I know now that it was the right thing for me to do. I'm on the path I'm supposed to be on now, and I feel so much better. I feel like I'm alive again and there's a whole world waiting for me to explore.

Obviously it sounds like there's more to your situation than just the relationship you're having with that woman. A close relative having a mental disorder is something else I've experienced. It can be incredibly hard to deal with. The loss of a beloved pet, another thing I can relate to. It took me many months to move on from the loss of my last pet. She died suddenly and I was incredibly depressed about it, experiencing feelings of guilt, thinking that I might have been able to save her somehow (which I couldn't have done).

All I can tell you is things will change. We all have times in our lives when we're so low we can't imagine ever being back up again. Just follow your heart and you'll find the path that is right for you. Sometimes that requires some hard decisions to be made, and it can be painful, but in the long run you'll be happier and end up where you're supposed to be.

Good luck my friend. I'm doing my best to send some positive energy your way

 

[Space]

" Two occasions where I packed a bag full of clothes and left for a week. But I would always doubt myself, and went back. Then instantly regret it. Sound familiar? "

It's so comforting to hear you say that, it's such a difficult thing to live with knowing I've left her twice already. What makes it's so hard is that this woman will do anything for me, and when I look into her eyes you can see so clearly the love and desire she has for me. First time I left her lasted 4hrs. I went back for a week then left again. It's been a month. And I just agreed to get back with her, I haven't moved my stuff back in yet, but I regret it already, I know it's not right, I feel it. But her heart just keeps pulling me back. Theres no way she could understand my reason for going. She will just think I'm an absolute bastard.

I wish I could just go and she'd be fine. She got way too broken when we split. Said she was going to kill herself. I don't believe she would, but know she felt like doing that.

I feel so guilty.. I'm thinking of just ending it right now for the last time..

Thanks for your reply Dioxippus

 

[jbark]

If you'll permit me, there are two reasons you won't/don't leave her and both are selfish and IMO wrong: you are addicted to her love and attention and you fear for what might happen were you to leave. But let me tell you, every second you stay with her digs a deeper pit for her. If you really care for her and don't intend to stay, you owe it to her to end it now. I know where you are coming from, and from experience whaT you are sub- or consciously hoping for - that she will fall out of love with you and you can leave easily and guilt free. Aint gonna happen - so long as she senses you may leave, the cycle will deepen. Do her and yourself a favour - follow the path you need to travel, and you will both be better for it - it will free her to follow a more fulfilling path.

Good luck

JBArk

 

[Space]

I know, every second will make this harder for her. And I am addicted to her love. I lose a perspective when I'm not with her, and I'd convince myself that it could work. A part of this is selfish, but I care alot about her too. I'm not going to wait for her to fallout with me, that would be awful to do that.

For the first time in my life I've come to a decision where I'm stuck between two forces which are just about equal, so I gravitate to one, then back to the other. I go back and forth. I don't care so much about my own happiness, just what it's doing to her.

It's come to a critical decision where I either commit, and dedicate my life to her, or I don't. But which ever decision I make I sacrifice a lot.


It's either going to be today or tomorrow that I commit to my decision.

 

[88]

from personal experience: being loved by someone is not the same as being in love with them - even if you care very deeply for them. I didn't realise the difference for a long time. I appreciate what you say about it being addictive, but as long as you remain in a relationship with someone you don't love - for whatever reasons we all give ourselves - you will not be able to find the person you do love.

You are feeling guilty because you're not treating her like someone you love... but you can't, if you don't love her. And I don't think you can make yourself love her, even if you want to in order to make her happy.

I learned the hard way that I had to follow my heart; and I'm so very glad I did. I spent four years being in a destructive relationship with someone who loved me, and yet who I did not want to admit that I didn't love. I finally ended it (on the twentieth attempt at leaving), spent some time on my own, then met someone I truly, deeply love and who loves me, and I am so very, very grateful.

good luck in your life, Space.

 

[Jungleheart]

Sorry for your suffering. You have some great advice and wisdom already posted on here. I'll just add my quick 2 cents.

Humans tend to focus too much on "outcome" rather than "process." If you are not certain one way or the other, you are still in the process. You are still collecting information. You put pressure on yourself when you focus on outcome, before the time comes.

You shouldn't feel guilty either. There are 3 steps to relationships: 1) dating 2) committed relationship 3) marriage. You obviously are in the committed relationship stage, and deciding whether you want to pursue marriage. Thousands of people decide to/not to pursue marriage every day. The goal should be to progress through these 3 stages as slowly as possible, only moving onwards when you are certain the time is right. People often jump too quickly into a committed relationship, without being sure that they want to be committed (like you are experiencing right now).

Take care!

 

[Space]

Yes, this has gone way too quick, I'd rather take it slowly but she wants everything now.

I awoke to hear really bad weather outside this morning as I was getting up for work. She said, that's a sign of what today's going to be like..

Today my heart hurts. I constantly have the image of her in my mind. I feel like breaking down with just the pressure of this.


In my whole life I've had some pretty fucked up situations to deal with, but have always got through them. I grew to have some amazing strength about me, I was so fearless, truly. But this has been the perfect sitution to break me.

I really need the strength back today to make a wise decision, regardless of suffering.

 

[Metanoia]

Very good comments about being addicted to love. I'm not even sure I ever truly loved my ex. But her unconditional love for me was intoxicated and I quickly became an addict. Also fearing what will happen to her when I leave, that was the hardest for me to deal with. She constantly threatened suicide and I felt immensely guilty for wanting to leave her like that. I couldn't bear the thought of her actually committing suicide after I left. Thankfully, she hasn't.

I'm not a sexist person, but I do feel that women seem to have a harder time of letting go than most men. They'll hold on desperately until there is barely anything left to hold onto. I'm still not sure why that is, but it's something I have noticed with many women.

You should take the time to make the right decision for you, but I agree with jbark in that being indecisive about the situation any longer than is necessary is selfish. I know first hand, and admit that I was extremely selfish. I stayed in that relationship for years when I knew it wasn't the right thing to do.

Again, I wish you luck and positive thoughts.

 

[Space]

I think I'm going to do it.

I feel so sick. Once I tell her this I'm going to be alone. For the first time in my whole life I feel I need support. I'm on the verge of completely breaking down here at work.

 

[Rollenberg]

I'm not a sexist person, but I do feel that women seem to have a harder time of letting go than most men. They'll hold on desperately until there is barely anything left to hold onto. I'm still not sure why that is, but it's something I have noticed with many women.

I think they have a harder time letting go in general because it essentially means they have to become comfortable enough for intimacy again with another individual.

And lets face it, sexual reproduction is much more invasive for the female sex.

Just a hunch though.

 

[88]

I think I'm going to do it.

I feel so sick. Once I tell her this I'm going to be alone. For the first time in my whole life I feel I need support. I'm on the verge of completely breaking down here at work.

Don't be afraid of being alone... we are never really alone. I can't really completely understand what you're going through right now, because each of our experiences of life are unique to us, determined by who you are, and the specifics of your situation - so please take any advice here with that in mind.

When we are in a relationship with someone else, that person determines to a large extent what our experience of reality is going to be; when you are no longer in that relationship, your very perception of reality changes. This can be scary and disconcerting, and lonely - all the hallmarks of our natural human resistance to change.

What I'm trying to say is that, as someone who obviously is trying not to cause pain or disruption, it is hard sometimes to make the changes you need to make in order to live your life according to your own decisions and perception, especially if that is going to cause pain to another human being, particularly someone you care about.

It;s important to be aware of what is going on within yourself - there is clearly a struggle between your own need to shape a life that reflects your own values and beliefs and the desire to fulfill someone else's desires and make them happy.

What I'm saying is that your partner may be influencing your own perception of reality more than you may realise - because it is hard not to feel selfish for pursuing your own needs, especially when you can't quite put your finger on what it is that you are after... and if you are with someone who has clear articulated needs, that can come to define your own experience of life.

One thing is absolutely clear from your post - this step into further commitment is not one that you have initiated or one that you welcome at this stage of your life.

Your initial reaction might be that this is a selfish position to hold, but its so important to be honest with yourself - instead of feeling bad because your own desires don't align with the more defined desires of your partner, or guilty somehow, I would recommend you investigate your own motives very seriously before making any commitment. If you think it hurts now, try following your heart in a few years when you have a house and children together ... it won't get any easier, and don't expect your misgivings to simply disappear - they are obviously deeply rooted within you, and you cannot ignore them to avoid feeling selfish.

If you pursue your own happiness, this makes you more able to make others happy, not less. You can determine your own future, and you have a responsibility to do so. If you got engaged to this person, don't you think - given what you've said - that would be misleading?

Please feel free to disregard everything I have said. This is of course your life, your choice, and I may have read your situation completely wrong .. but I hope you find happiness in yourself because each of us are entitled to seek our own happiness without guilt, and to become the person we want to be.

Safe travels, brother

 

[Metanoia]

I think they have a harder time letting go in general because it essentially means they have to become comfortable enough for intimacy again with another individual.

And lets face it, sexual reproduction is much more invasive for the female sex.

Just a hunch though.

I've never thought of it that way. Could very well be so.

My feelings, for the most part, were that perhaps it's hardwired into them. That whole "nesting" instinct most women have. To have a safe and concrete "home" with a partner that will bring home the bacon. Makes me sound more sexist though

Most men do, especially in their early twenties, have that urge to go out and "conquer" as many women as they can. Women just don't think that way.

Men, the hunters. Women, the gatherers.

 

[ms_manic_minxx]

Being alone can be terrifying and agonizing at times, but there is also a deep wealth of knowledge to be learned from the experience. I have been utterly alone for the past three years, and while I feel like it is not a permanently healthy condition, unplugging and looking within, from time to time, can be extremely beneficial. There is so much good that comes from learning how to have a healthy relationship with yourself, how to be your own #1 and give yourself that unconditional love you need all the time.

My biggest hugs to you. It takes great courage to do things like this.

Friends, pets, lots of physical activity and time spent in nature are all very important when embarking upon The Temporarily Solitary Path.

It is definitely challenging... but the rewards are many. Plus, if you spend the time productively looking within and getting to know yourself, relearning to love yourself... when that other person finally does come along, you will be so strong, so clear, and so perfect to nurture a beautiful relationship when it is ready to grow. When you are closer with yourself, everything that flows from you will be that much more strong and pure.

It's not forever... it's an opportunity to do some internal housecleaning, and create space for something more fulfilling and profound. Remember that.

Much peace.