Break Up

[Philosopher]

Devastated.

I have a long history with this girl, her name is Lea. We started dating in 10th grade, and fell in love. We spent our days together, and I had the most fun Ive ever had with her. When it was time for college, she left to a different state. We still talked all the time, but it was really hard for me, not being with my love. I didnt want to control her, and she said she wanted to be able to see other guys, and live her life. I said that as long as she didnt tell me about it, it doesnt bother me. And we were still in love. We still talked all the time, and this last year she even told me she wasnt interested in other guys anymore. But now its summer. She is going to study abroad in France once school starts again in the Fall, and she doesnt want to be with me anymore. She thought that it would be easier to break it off now, rather than when she leaves the continent. I know she is wrong. I was planning on keeping things the way they were, being in love, spending time together, massaing eachother, helping eachother plan for the future, but no. She decided that spending time with me was just immoral. It was building up something that was destined for failure. And she didnt say why. She wants to see other people again, she says. Even though I never said she couldn't. She doesn't want me, even when she comes back from France. And I feel crushed. Because she was my everything. She was the reason why all the pain I feel everyday is worth fighting through. And now, it isn't. And I want to die again. I dont even have the will power to explain why, I just know life isnt worth living without my love, and I dont want to find a new one. I don't want to ruin what we had. I don't want to destroy the sanctity of our connection, but she chose. Im done. I don't want anyone else, or anything. I'm not going to die, because I know I might feel better eventually, but my life is torture for the forseeable future.

 

[jamie]

"I know she is wrong"

Sorry brother, but we all know best what is best for ourselves. There is nothing in the world quite like heartbreak.

"There is a space there, you know…a place we all hope for, in those most desperate of times when the plots of the World As It Is seem to much for that part of us that lives beyond it to bear. It’s like that love, that madness of a virus which infects us…a wonderful gaping chasm we fall into like a narcotic dream stealing us away from the exquisite pains of life, if only for a moment…that love which cuts so fucking deep that those who really dare to look upon it’s beady eyes come back either mad or raving poets. Like a stamp on the soul you become one of the marked, those few wandering mystics who are just mad enough to walk back through the trodden pathways of the world with the seal of that place burning everything you touch. It swallows you, and all you really want is to be swallowed…to descend as far down the throat of the thing as you can. It is there, in that place, that we find initiation into the greater mysteries that lie in the World Beyond…we find an invitation into pain, into suffering…a tutorial of desire, and finally, a fermentation of the soul. "

- Wanderer

...it's not easy..but it will change you every single time.

Trust me on this..you will see the day when you look into the eyes of another, and see that same light burn again, only brighter than ever before. It's a god damn wonderful relief and feels amazing.

 

[TGO]

Hey Philosopher... Hang in there buddy!

I would like to share a story with you that I posted in another thread and then I will share my 2 cents worth at the end...

(From the thread: Ex love(rs) )

...I don't think it matters how much time passes. If you truly loved them, a tiny piece of your heart will always remain with them. My high school sweetheart (and first lover) was absolutely psychotic, but I loved her to death. 2 days after high school graduation we were driving home from the movies, my best friend was with us.

She and I were getting into some stupid verbal argument that escalated and escalated. Towards the end of our relationship she got into this very sickening habit of saying she was going to commit suicide every time we had an argument or if things didn't go her way. She was unstable. It was all talk...usually.

So picture this, we are flying down an outer road at 55-60mph in a Kia Sportage, yelling back and forth at each other about god knows what when she starts saying the suicidal things (I'm driving, she is in the passenger seat and my buddy was in the back). Being young and idiotic at the time I kept saying that I didn't care what she did anymore yada yada yada.

Then I saw a look in her eye that I have never seen on anyone else ever since and she said, "So you really don't care what happens to me then?"

"Nope" (of course I did, we were young and arguing)

"Fine" she says and lunges toward me.

:shock:

She grabbed the steering wheel with both hands and yanked it to the right. We went straight into to the ditch and rolled three times according to the police(the car ended up on its side in someones yard). I was knocked unconscious on the second roll. I came to on the side of the road. My buddy said I had climbed out in a daze while my ex screamed and screamed in agony, (she had crunched a couple discs in her spine, whatever the real term for that is). I don't remember much after crashing but I apparently called an ambulance, her parents, my parents, and my buddy's parents. We all rode to the hospital in the ambulance(s). My buddy and I were physically fine. My ex was the only one who got hurt. Poetic justice I guess.

I also had a half oz of some blue dream in my pocket that my older brother got me as a graduation present. Being dazed and confused, from the wreck not the weed I thought I should hide it since the police were likely to search the vehicle and us. So I stuck it in the crotch of a "Y" shaped tree that was on the property we crashed on to. I'm thinking that the people who lived there saw me do this because I went back there a couple days later and my ganja was gone, of course! No silver lining for me!

So, this was years ago but it obviously sticks with me. It was very traumatic but I am thankful that I came out of it alive. We all did. Moving on from her was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I still loved her even after she tried to kill herself, me and my buddy in one fell swoop. But we had a very unhealthy relationship and continuing it was obviously not an option ( edit: )-->>(even though we tried). I had to let the love fade away.

Every now and again I think about her and what led up to those events. I wonder about how it would be if things were different. A part of me will always miss the good times I had with her but would I ever go back? Hell no!

I think I came out of the whole thing a better person. I learned a few lessons and found a whole new appreciation for life itself. I have grown and matured and am currently in a healthy relationship with the most wonderful girl!

Past/ex lovers are hard to get over, there is no denying that. Your best friend in these situations is time. "Time heals all wounds" is the saying, I believe. And I feel it really does if you allow it to. If you want it to. It took me years to fully get over this. Talk about integration.

Believe it or not I got back together with her for about a month after the accident (not sure why I am calling it an accident it was very intentional). I was blindly, madly, head-over-heels for this girl but it ended up not working out anyway, big surprise...not. The point is this:

It is going to be very difficult to move on from this. You loved her very much, that is obvious but you have to be strong. Find something to focus your energy (whatever amount is left) into. Perhaps exercising or finding a hobby of sorts. Or surround yourself with friends so you can begin to cope. Talk it out with someone you trust. Most importantly, you will have to grieve... and let it all out. There is no way around that.

Time is your best friend. Take it one day at a time and use baby steps if necessary. You will make it through this. It may seem like there is no one else in the world that could possibly compare to your true love but in time you will learn to love again if you want to. Your heart has been smashed and spat on. It is only natural to feel how you do and I feel for you, I truly do. It sucks, man but what matters most is how you integrate this into your life.

because I know I might feel better eventually

You will, my friend, in time. Anyway, try to stay positive and hopeful. Tomorrow is a new day, full of endless possibilities. Try to keep your head above the water. I wish you the absolute best.

May you find peace in these difficult times,

-The Grateful One-

 

[DeltaSpice]

I think the thought of being with some one is greater than the actual being with some one, in some respects.
I hope time sorts things out for you..
Good luck .

 

[Orion]

Not so much answers but questions:

Would it be better together? What she said about wanting to see other people, would you ever be able to get that parasitic thought out of your brain, even if you were with her? She already made clear she wants to see other people, and then again reinforced it. Suppose she turned around and said 'actually, just forget I said any of that', would you truly believe it, deep down ? Would you just forget it ever happened ?

Hope you find liberation and mutual love my friend

 

[Philosopher]

Thanks guys. I will read it all again, and agian, when I need to. I knew you guys would support me, even though I havent signed on in a while. I know this is the community for me, and its not even about psychedelics, you are caring and empathic and experienced people. The way you word things that others try to communicate make things more clear. Though I still feel the way I do, I understand more. That it is temporary, even if it feels infinite. I just thought I found "True Love", and she did too. I dont want to be cynical, but my belief in that was smashed to pieces. Like Orion said, even if she wanted me back, it wouldnt be like how it was. Because I know I'm not enough for her anymore. And I'd rather feel adequate. Even though right now I feel like a psychotic loser, who would do anything to turn back time. Just one more day with her, the way it was. Just one more kiss, thinking its true love. The wound is too fresh. But I love you guys, I know you're here for me.


I've been feeling really bad, like suicidal and everything. I used to cut myself but I dont want to do that anymore. I did it once this past week for the first time in years, but I don't want to do it again. Even though I feel the urge to every other minute.. I've been writing music instead, to let it out, somehow. I can't share this song with any of my friends its too crazy, but I'd like someone to listen to it besides just me ha.

https://soundcloud.com/noah-cohen-1%2Ffuck-up%2Fs-D672V

 

[Tryptallmine]

A lot of us have no doubt felt the loss you feel and its a transient thing that heals with time.

It's easy to fall into the trap of negative self assessment, however you need to understand that it's not about you or any negative aspect of your personality. You need to re frame the idea that "she doesn't want me".

I know its difficult for you to see it, but we all as humans need experiences, it's what truly defines us and our lives. You both need to experience the world and she recognizes that and has some decency to not drag you along by a string to ease your hurt - her point on morality of the situation which I would agree with.

Feel blessed that you had the opportunity to spend all those wonderful times with this person and understand that that experience has helped shape you. One of the best things you can do is actually stand up, hold your head up and accept the end of something as much as it hurts. Don't get angry with someone for following their heart, don't abuse them to try and get them to change their mind, or try and get them to see it your way. Because none of that matters. Always be dignified.

I'm sure you'd rather have this person look back when their older and go 'hey I had some great times with that person, I wonder how they are doing' vs 'that guy turned into a crazy psycho, worst time of my life'. You want to be remembered by everyone for the good qualities you carry in life.

Keep it all in perspective, remember who you are. Life is every bit worth living! Pain is one of those parts of life we have to learn to deal with. It get's easier with experience.

Go get some sunshine, it'll do you good.

 

[jamie]

it's a story that pervades our myths for one reason..it speaks to all of us, at some point and forever.