V01D
Rising Star
Today started out like many others; I woke up, drank a soylent, smoked some cannabis, and proceeded directly into a sadness loop that seemed to have no start and no end. All of the sudden it was over as soon as it started. Was it a release? A sign? A synchronicity? I don't think so.
I've been thinking a lot about input and the implications of literally everything that we consume - sights, sounds, tastes, smells, sensations, tactile, kinetic, food, commercials, music, conversations - all of it has a direct impact on the way that we think.
Now, going back to this morning, I feel my experience was due to the input I have been receiving lately. Floods, fire, earthquakes, and more racism, death, and violence. How do these abstract words and concepts make me feel? Like dying. Just ending it, once and for all.
But wait, I'm not depressed or suicidal.
"Where did this come from?", I ask myself.
Facebook, friends, and other social impacts.
Food choices, media choices, and choices of how I spent my energy the past few weeks and months.
Alcohol, porn, cannabis, caffeine, sugar, and of course oxytocin.
A couple of days ago I had my heart broken again. She told me, "I think it was mostly sexual anyway." A few months ago I ended my marriage for the same reason. Is this karma? Maybe.
Are all these sad thoughts and feelings and suicidal thoughts my own? No.
I let myself be programmed. By other people. By other things. By death itself in a way.
I know I have no persisting self, but at the same time, I feel like I'm being blown around like a leaf in the wind. Barely in control of my mind, and I no longer think that's a good thing. It has brought me nothing but misery, and I want to make conscious decisions now.
Now comes the part where I ask for advice.
I need help, support, and suggestions.
I'm considering microdosing shrooms and/or harmalas, but I don't know if that's going to send me down a train of delusion like LSD has done to me this summer, or if it might help ground me.
I've been thinking a lot about input and the implications of literally everything that we consume - sights, sounds, tastes, smells, sensations, tactile, kinetic, food, commercials, music, conversations - all of it has a direct impact on the way that we think.
Now, going back to this morning, I feel my experience was due to the input I have been receiving lately. Floods, fire, earthquakes, and more racism, death, and violence. How do these abstract words and concepts make me feel? Like dying. Just ending it, once and for all.
But wait, I'm not depressed or suicidal.
"Where did this come from?", I ask myself.
Facebook, friends, and other social impacts.
Food choices, media choices, and choices of how I spent my energy the past few weeks and months.
Alcohol, porn, cannabis, caffeine, sugar, and of course oxytocin.
A couple of days ago I had my heart broken again. She told me, "I think it was mostly sexual anyway." A few months ago I ended my marriage for the same reason. Is this karma? Maybe.
Are all these sad thoughts and feelings and suicidal thoughts my own? No.
I let myself be programmed. By other people. By other things. By death itself in a way.
I know I have no persisting self, but at the same time, I feel like I'm being blown around like a leaf in the wind. Barely in control of my mind, and I no longer think that's a good thing. It has brought me nothing but misery, and I want to make conscious decisions now.
Now comes the part where I ask for advice.
I need help, support, and suggestions.
I'm considering microdosing shrooms and/or harmalas, but I don't know if that's going to send me down a train of delusion like LSD has done to me this summer, or if it might help ground me.