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Dear Nexus; I've Realized I Am an Addict and a Loser

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Apoc

Apoc

Esteemed member
OG Pioneer
Greetings Citizens of the Nexus,

I have partaken of the spice many times, and I realized something important, that I am an addict and a loser. I know a lot of you nexians think high of yourselves, and that you are well off, etc…. but I still think people out there are addicted losers like me, and anyone here is at risk of becoming an addicted loser. The first step is admitting it. Here’s how I came to my epiphany.

I lay in bed, meditating, allowing the natural joy of the universe, and the spice to flow through me. I reached a point of perfection. A point of perfect harmony, happiness, and well being. I realized that I am actually addicted to feeling bad, addicted to dislike and judgment, and addicted to clinging to the familiar and comfortable. I am unwilling to let these things go because I am so used to them, I don’t know what life would be like without dis-ease.

And I realized that the only thing stopping me from this natural inner joy is….. myself! It is my own judgment of life that is keeping me from enjoying it. More than that, there is something beyond myself which reveals itself only when “I” get out of the way. The eternal, unbound freedom of existence itself. It is ethereal, it is always there, even in horrible moments, and in death. It is the source, that which cannot be imitated, there is no symbol for it, no name for it, and yet it is behind everything, and it has been calling to make itself known. The "I" gets in the way of that unspoken eternal force for which there is no name. At the same time, I am aware that I am not separate from that eternity.

And so, I am in the process of losing myself. The "I" is more like a program, and the I is addicted to itself, to its own deeply conditined patterns and reward/punishment systems. I am an addicted individual, as many people are. I cling to my ideas for the sake of “I”. Yet there is a peace behind what the individual knows. Lately I have been quite frustrated with what I see going on in the world. But I let myself go, and realized that my opposition to whatever happens only strengthens the whole war. The I only plays a part in that duality, it creates that duality. Whatever happens, win or lose, eternity wins. There is nothing “wrong” with the universe. It is as it is. I have found that to become closer to this “isness” of the universe, it is important to lose ones self. I am loser.

Furthermore, anyone with a different point of view from mine originates from the exact same consciousness that I did. Which one is wrong if both of us exist at the same time with different viewpoints? Neither. We just are, and the duality that exists between us just is. Getting mad at the situation only puts you on one side of the universe and pits you against another. All my struggling is based on what I want. When I push myself out of the way, the universe unfolds itself, sometimes in the direction of my wants, sometimes not.

I will still have opinions and points of view, but realize that I am not right, I just am, and the universe does not depend on my point of view. I give permission for the world to make its own mistakes, to be mad, even turn against me, if it should. And though it hurts to see suffering in the world, I give permission to allow myself to feel that hurt and accept it, should it arise. Beyond the fate of the entire universe, there is an eternity of peace that will remain at peace no matter which way the tides sway, no matter which way the sword swings. And if that sword should swing for my head, may I rest in peace.
 
Wow, for a moment there I was afraid this was going to go in a different direction. But awesome post Apoc. Thank you for this!

I agree with what you said. Most people, myself included, seem to be addicted to a certain mode of self and the emotions and neurosis that come with it. As I understand it, and though I hate the word - the process of becoming enlightened is clearing out these addictions and leaving only the true energy of the authentic being behind it; the being that says yes with no reserve to life and the unravelling of consciousness.

Without letting go of these things we will always be losers, because we are addicted to losing and suffering.
I wonder what is the nature or core of this addiction at its very base. What does it originate from? Fear?

Thanks again for this inspiring post Apoc!
Cheers & love to you!
Enoon
 
:) great post, Apoc. I admit I too am addicted to social conditioning and the reward/punishment system. honestly thogh I didn't realize it till I reflected on your post.
Thank you.

ps
I dont think you're a loser :p
 
hehe addicts unite! nice post indeed Apoc:)
without association with mind's duality, life becomes sooo simple. Everything is realized to just be happening; and it is not happening to someone or something because the subject and object are realized to never have been separate in the first place. Life is simply happening to itself, and for itself. but the mind tends to isolate and alienate itself from Life, and makes it a "me vs. the world" thing. the cause of suffering arising from this duality is not due to the thoughts themselves, but rather due to identification with such thoughts. Without silence, meditation, introspection, and self-honesty, the patterns perpetuate, and the more one suffers.

I have also noticed within myself the tendency to "hold onto pain." this was very painful ~3yrs ago; but after introduction to psychs, and spiritual engagement, I have lost this tendency to a great degree, and feel so very alive.
Funny how the "separated" part of us just does not want let go of the suffering, and enjoys it at some level as well. Eckhart Tolle describes this very eloquently. He calls this the seductive pain body, which hungers for more pain to feed and perpetuate itself. This is when perceptions distort, and the mind sees what it wants to see, rather than the truth itself. You should watch this short vid; you'll enjoy the profound insights very much:
[YOUTUBE]

<3
 
Enoon said:
Wow, for a moment there I was afraid this was going to go in a different direction.
Click to expand...

Aha! Sure sign of addiction there. ;)

As for me, the only possible drawback I found for psychedelic use is this: what if by using these drugs, we actually enforce the separation of the "I" and "not-I"? What if through the use of these drugs we learn to associate the ego-less state with these drugs? I imagine some kind of imprinted rule forming in our mind, which says that letting go is only possible with the drugs, and without the drugs there is no chance for that (this conviction would provide a perfect safety net for the ego). This way, our existence would get compartmentalized into two poles: egoless state ("realistically" only achievable with drugs), and ego-based consciousness (which we are in when there are no drugs in the system). This separation - if it's real - may get cemented at such deep levels, that it effectively nullifies our chance to realize oneness while not on drugs.
 
Nice one, Apoc.

That addiction to "dis-ease" and "clinging" probably has a chemical basis, and to begin with, most of us were probably born of "junkie" parents, themselves born of... which unfortunately sends us off on a bad start.

No reason to carelessly go on like that though. I wonder what Iboga has to offer in regard to this universal addiction...
 
Apoc, that was brilliantly put.

I know there has been a time where I was full of myself, there has been many times in my life when I have been an addict to myself, and the drugs around me.. I can honestly say though, about a year ago I had the same epiphany you did while on spice. The spice, many times has taken away all sense of pride, and showed me how incredibly small, yet how powerful I can be. It has showed me how small the world is, and all the beauty that lives within. I am still an addict, of marijuana (but I dont think of that as a addiction), expanding my mind, knowledge, and I would hate to say but we all have that ego getting in the way, I am also at times addicted to myself. But then again, arent we all?



This is a poem by Walt Whitman. It has at often times gave me goosebumps when I found myself angry and frustrated with the world.

I SIT and look out upon all the sorrows of the world, and upon all oppression and shame;
I hear secret convulsive sobs from young men, at anguish with themselves, remorseful after deeds done;
I see, in low life, the mother misused by her children, dying, neglected, gaunt, desperate;
I see the wife misused by her husband—I see the treacherous seducer of young women;
I mark the ranklings of jealousy and unrequited love, attempted to be hid—I see these sights on the earth; 5
I see the workings of battle, pestilence, tyranny—I see martyrs and prisoners;
I observe a famine at sea—I observe the sailors casting lots who shall be kill’d, to preserve the lives of the rest;
I observe the slights and degradations cast by arrogant persons upon laborers, the poor, and upon negroes, and the like;
All these—All the meanness and agony without end, I sitting, look out upon,
See, hear, and am silent.
 
I wouldnt call myself a loser, because "no man is a failure who has friends". be your friends humans, walking and talking amongst you, or the rose, or wildflower, the mountain and the tempest, the fox or the bear.

If we look closely, we can see a magnificent sermon being preached, not being read from the Holy Bible, or the Quran, This bible is universal... We can hear the words blowing with the breeze, flying under the wings of a bird, and we can see all of this if we just look for ourselves, and stop waiting for people to give us the proof we need in order to have faith in anything.

It has been often the night when I lay awake, listening to the sermon being preached, the rain drops rap tap tapping on my window sill. Or the wonderful symphony of chirping crickets or croaking frogs. At these times I have come to complete peace with the world, and a bad day is when I find myself angry with the rest, wondering why nobody els can see how beautiful they are, how beautiful our existence is, and how beautiful the world and all that live within..

Apoc, if you want to call yourself a loser, feel free. But a loser is only something that we made up to make OURSELVES feel better. Calling yourself a loser is a catch 22. It wont ever do you any good, and you shouldnt think that you are. I havent posted here in a month because I havent seen anything of great importance, but what you said, how you worded it, really made an impact on me. I wouldnt think of you as a loser, and for humanities sake you shouldnt either. We are all so beautiful and brilliant. Loser is just a word, that maybe you seen or maybe you heard round some windy corner or a wide angles curve. If your a loser, then im a loser, then we are all losers..
 
Sister thinks that "loser" might be overstating it Apoc. You are human and unless you are one in a billion you are not a saint. Go easy on yourself.

My mind also spews negativity, sometimes I could almost choke on it or consider doing myself in just to shut it up. The important thing to remember is that you are not your thoughts. You are not your mind. Your mind is just another tool at your disposal. Albeit one that can get out of control.

I don't know if you are familiar with Kundalini yoga, but it has many meditations that are specific to pacifying the negative mind, or strengthening your positive mind, or even better, strengthening your neutral mind.

All these meditations have been summarized in this book, "The Mind". You might find it a useful read.


Light and Blessings
Sister
 
cellux said:
Enoon said:
Wow, for a moment there I was afraid this was going to go in a different direction.
Click to expand...

Aha! Sure sign of addiction there. ;)

As for me, the only possible drawback I found for psychedelic use is this: what if by using these drugs, we actually enforce the separation of the "I" and "not-I"? What if through the use of these drugs we learn to associate the ego-less state with these drugs? I imagine some kind of imprinted rule forming in our mind, which says that letting go is only possible with the drugs, and without the drugs there is no chance for that (this conviction would provide a perfect safety net for the ego). This way, our existence would get compartmentalized into two poles: egoless state ("realistically" only achievable with drugs), and ego-based consciousness (which we are in when there are no drugs in the system). This separation - if it's real - may get cemented at such deep levels, that it effectively nullifies our chance to realize oneness while not on drugs.
Click to expand...

I understand the someone would learn to associate the loss of ego with drugs because they are generally the simplest way to get to this state.. however there is absolutely no reason to believe that the ego less state is only accessible via drugs. It was actually the opposite for me, I discovered the ego less state via drugs and I immediately knew this place was always accessible and that is actually what go me into Kriya yoga. I just don't understand why one would only think these states are accessible via drugs.. they are simply a short cut imo

If I take I-75 to work every day because it is the shortest route without traffic I don't somehow forget that I can also take 341 if I have some extra time and patience ;)
 
". . . I am actually addicted to feeling bad, addicted to dislike and judgment . . ."
". . . I know a lot of you nexians think high of yourselves . . . "
" . . . I still think people out there are addicted losers . . . "
 
I think calling yourself an "addicted looser" is like putting that intetention or idea out there for you to really just cycle around as an addicted looser. I know Im not an addicted looser. if you want to be released from the cycles of negativity, then just dont feed into them with such statements.
 
fractal enchantment said:
I think calling yourself an "addicted looser" is like putting that intetention or idea out there for you to really just cycle around as an addicted looser. I know Im not an addicted looser. if you want to be released from the cycles of negativity, then just dont feed into them with such statements.
Click to expand...
If you have a sound with a vibration, when the vibration is fast enough it becomes a second tone corresponding to the frequence of the vibration. So the scale of it decides whether what you hear is a tone itself or a vibration within a tone.
A simmilar thing is true for the mind: you have all these thoughts and feelings happening within the realm of your counsciousness. But all the things you perceive, everything you see, hear, smell or feel is actually made-up of thousands of thoughts and feelings you've had before that have formed your brain into what it is today.
 
Good post.

I know I'm addicted to isolation. I do it purposely. I revel in the loneliness. Then I feel pity for myself. The cycle repeats and repeats. That's addiction, repeating the action even though you know it's detrimental. It's a tough cycle to break.

"To deprive a gregarious creature of companionship is to maim it, to outrage its nature. The prisoner and the cenobite are aware that the herd exists beyond their exile; they are an aspect of it. But when the herd no longer exists there is, for the herd creature, no longer entity. He is part of no whole; a freak without a place. If he cannot hold onto his reason, then he is lost indeed; most utterly, most fearfully lost, so that he becomes no more than the twitch in the limb of a corpse."
Click to expand...

A loser? Many people call me that. I would rather read a book than go to a party. I abhor alcohol, most popular culture, and much of what people consider "normal". Weirdo, freak, loser. That's me. But I accept that it's their point of view. Anyone that doesn't live up to their expectations is a loser. I never say the right things just to say the right things. I could, but I refuse. I'm a self-appointed loser. But I don't see it as a negative thing. It's just who I am.

Anyway, I like being strange. It's infinitely more interesting to be strange. :)
 
Enoon said:
Wow, for a moment there I was afraid this was going to go in a different direction. But awesome post Apoc. Thank you for this!
Click to expand...

Exactly. You're welcome. I didn't feel my post was written very well, but I wanted to put something like this out there.

I've also found part of breaking free of this "addicted" self is making mistakes, and finding it's not an easy thing to do. When we can't do it despite the damage that addiction does, we judge ourselves, and this usually makes the addiction worse.

People, I used the word loser because I said I was in a process of losing the self. It's not meant to be a self judgment.

nn-DMT said:
:) great post, Apoc. I admit I too am addicted to social conditioning and the reward/punishment system. honestly thogh I didn't realize it till I reflected on your post.
Click to expand...

It's interesting how we can see that what goes on inside on the individual scale, also happens in society on a large scale.

Those were some wise thoughts on non-duality, phantastica. I know these thoughts are very Tolle like.

cellux said:
As for me, the only possible drawback I found for psychedelic use is this: what if by using these drugs, we actually enforce the separation of the "I" and "not-I"? What if through the use of these drugs we learn to associate the ego-less state with these drugs? I imagine some kind of imprinted rule forming in our mind, which says that letting go is only possible with the drugs, and without the drugs there is no chance for that (this conviction would provide a perfect safety net for the ego). This way, our existence would get compartmentalized into two poles: egoless state ("realistically" only achievable with drugs), and ego-based consciousness (which we are in when there are no drugs in the system). This separation - if it's real - may get cemented at such deep levels, that it effectively nullifies our chance to realize oneness while not on drugs.
Click to expand...

It's true, there is a possibility of egoic addiction, but that is the case with anything. The same could be true with meditation, one may come to believe that peace is only possible with meditation, and a person may come to see meditation as the only way to be happy and peaceful, and experience non-duality. I've heard Adyashanti talk about some people who are beautiful meditators, who seemingly forget everything in meditation once the meditation is over. Even if that's the case, people are still probably more likely to learn from meditation even if some don't take the practice beyond meditation.

Also, becoming a bit attached to the experience is probably inevitable, but something to watch out for. Other than family, and everyone I care about, psychedelics are the best thing that ever happened to me, and have provided the greatest experiences I’ve ever had. They’ve worked on me on so many levels, and revealed so many levels I didn’t even know existed. I naturally want to experience that greatness again, and feel quite frustrated when thoughts about having those experiences taken away.

The same could be said about lifestyle. I went through a spiritual phase 10 years ago and started living a very healthy lifestyle. I loved my new lifestyle so much compared to the old one, I couldn’t imagine going back to the old way. But eventually I think I forgot about the “spiritual” part of spiritual living, and just wanted to keep my very happy lifestyle, and all the good feelings that went along with the lifestyle. I became no different from anyone else, just a guy trying to be as rich as possible, except my richness was measured in how good I felt. Nothing wrong with feeling good or having inner riches, I’m just saying there’s a danger of becoming attached to anything that feels good, and forgetting the deeper message behind the feel good part.

Even if I got nothing from psychedelics except some mind blowing experiences, psychedelics would still be good. I’d still rather live a life blessed with awesomeness in favour of blandness. I think of psychedelics as teachers. Not everyone really gets the lessons that a teacher may provide, but a lot do. The teacher is still useful for many.

Lodi said:
If we look closely, we can see a magnificent sermon being preached, not being read from the Holy Bible, or the Quran, This bible is universal... We can hear the words blowing with the breeze, flying under the wings of a bird, and we can see all of this if we just look for ourselves, and stop waiting for people to give us the proof we need in order to have faith in anything.

It has been often the night when I lay awake, listening to the sermon being preached, the rain drops rap tap tapping on my window sill. Or the wonderful symphony of chirping crickets or croaking frogs. At these times I have come to complete peace with the world, and a bad day is when I find myself angry with the rest, wondering why nobody els can see how beautiful they are, how beautiful our existence is, and how beautiful the world and all that live within..
Click to expand...

Beautiful. Yes, many times I go to cermon on a park bench, looking at cracks in the ground with profound joy. Yet, to become frustrated that the world does not seem to see the innate joys of the world would be against what we claim to experience. The innate joy is felt from a place of acceptance, and freedom. That acceptance includes the acceptance of others being closed off and unreceptive.

fractal enchantment said:
I think calling yourself an "addicted looser" is like putting that intetention or idea out there for you to really just cycle around as an addicted looser.
Click to expand...

You know it was a setup right?
 
I'm not really good at making posts like this, but in this case I couldn't help it.

Apoc, I can't thank you enough for this post. I swear we must have been chewing on the same stuff for the last week or two because this pretty much sums up my most recent philosophical obsession. Infinite legitimate perspectives existing in the universe, the 'self' fucking things up because it can't stand to get out of the way, coming from 'true inspiration' by simply not doing and allowing the universe to act through you or unfold before you, sick of judgement, realizing that no matter how angry I am at the way things are or the way people are, they are what they are, the universe is what it is, all perspectives are valid, my anger and resistance only worsens things, I too, am a fool.

In fact, I was talking to my friends the other week and saying that if I were to ever write an autobiography (joke), it would have to be titled: the slain ego. I hate it when people tell me that I'm awesome or that I'm smart or some similar compliment to my limited self. I'm positive that people are annoyed with me because I can't help but claim that I don't believe it's appropriate for them to think this of me since I believe that I am none of those things and if I did anything praiseworthy at all, I postulate that it wasn't even really 'me' that they're calling 'me' doing it.

Apoc, sorry about this meandering, disorganized post. I'm sure on some level it might have been better that I never posted at all, but reading this post really brightened my morning so I felt I had to make some attempt to say thank you =D
 
Livingstrategy said:
In fact, I was talking to my friends the other week and saying that if I were to ever write an autobiography (joke), it would have to be titled: the slain ego. I hate it when people tell me that I'm awesome or that I'm smart or some similar compliment to my limited self. I'm positive that people are annoyed with me because I can't help but claim that I don't believe it's appropriate for them to think this of me since I believe that I am none of those things and if I did anything praiseworthy at all, I postulate that it wasn't even really 'me' that they're calling 'me' doing it.
Click to expand...

That is one way to look at things. I like compliments when they are deserved, but I love complimenting my loved ones (friends/family) to make them smile. I like to take the bad in with good intentions. What I mean is that if I realize I am acting like a loser, I recognize it and do not hate it but change what I was doing.

I have always believed I can do anything I desire. Keeping that outlook has kept me from destructive behavior. Destructive behavior can be big or small, sometimes the small destructive habits become the largest problems.

We all have bad habits but it doesn't make any single one of us a looser. It just mean we made a few poor choices. You can always change your direction.

As charlie Sheen says 'Nike's slogan isn't just try it, its just do it." A simple answer that can be very complicated.
 
I wrote today about how the only real restriction now is myself. Living in such a rich country, the world is at your finger tips - you really can become anything - and with that realisation I think there is much responsibility. Indeed I think many fall prey to doing nothing at all with their lives simply because there's far too many options available - so that choosing one would be ridiculous over nothing at all.

Guess it's that second enemy of the man of knowledge - clarity. Cheers for the thought-food :)
 
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