DMT and Confidence

[Voidmatrix]

I am writing this just to share and with the hope it can be useful to someone.

I cope with persistent and major depression, and everything that comes in conjunction. One of those facets that occurs in conjunction is low self esteem and confidence.

Candidly, one of the main reasons that I am not breaking through presently is due to a lowered confidence; I don't feel I'll manage it well (though I always do, nevertheless, the same feeling persists).

I humble myself before you

My low confidence extends across many realms, from interpersonal interactions, to an inner struggle with my own potential in intelligence, to doing what I desire to do.

I've been posting more on here in this forum as an exercise in overcoming this issue.

I may never be completely over it, but I can learn to ameliorate it.

My experience and relationship with DMT has also been an exercise in confidence and I intend on it being that way for some time. Slowly and patiently moving my way forward. It has been an invaluable tool for me.

I refuse to allow this lowered confidence to rule my life any longer.

I encourage myself (and you) to never give up, and to face trials head on.

One love

 

[CatFractals]

Thank you for the post its good to see encouragement like this and especially since I feel that my confidence in studies for college are lacking. I'm a great student but I've been out of college for awhile and feel as though I'm somehow lacking in my confidence in this subject. My indecisive thinking tends to make me question my own knowledge and my assignments which I feel affects my grade. Also making me try harder than needed.

I've only truly had one breakthrough where I completely left my body and I'm yearning for that experience again. Can't quite remember how I did it. Just remember loading up my GVG with a ton of DMT and blasting into hyperspace. Greatest damn experience I've ever had.

This feeling of low confidence you'll certainly rise above it, I'm sure. Just keep this process simple and continue doing your best day after day.

 

[Voidmatrix]

Thank you for the post its good to see encouragement like this and especially since I feel that my confidence in studies for college are lacking. I'm a great student but I've been out of college for awhile and feel as though I'm somehow lacking in my confidence in this subject. My indecisive thinking tends to make me question my own knowledge and my assignments which I feel affects my grade. Also making me try harder than needed.

I've only truly had one breakthrough where I completely left my body and I'm yearning for that experience again. Can't quite remember how I did it. Just remember loading up my GVG with a ton of DMT and blasting into hyperspace. Greatest damn experience I've ever had.

This feeling of low confidence you'll certainly rise above it, I'm sure. Just keep this process simple and continue doing your best day after day.

Thank you so much for your kind reply.

I feel I have some parallels with you. My undergrad went very poorly though I did graduate (untreated depression, father kicked me out so was estranged from my family (actually had to get emancipated to continue school), am a first generation college graduate, and had no guidance or direction). About a year after graduating, I began thinking about post graduate work. 10 years later, I plan on enrolling for an postgraduate certification in epistemology, ethics, and philosophy of mind.

I too question myself and my thinking, which is only bad if it's paralyzing based in my experience. I'm encouraged by many to do various things, but lack the faith in myself to follow through.

Perhaps we'll disembark on a grand journey in a similar time frame, being that we've aligned in the way we have.

I thank you again for your reply. Much of what you said has resonated with me and has impacted my thought process for the better.

I feel that you too will rise above your trials and shine beautifully and gloriously.

One love

 

[Squidfayce]

I would considder myself confident, though when it comes to DMT and breaking through I am not confident. I will often dabble right on the edge and leave it there. I use e-juice so dosage is something i am barely in controll of which probably adds to the pre flight anxiety.

It takes a lot of courage and commitment to push yourself into a place like hyperspace. Keep at it.

 

[Voidmatrix]

The uncertainty of your dosage must definitely get those butterflies fluttering lol.

We seem to have a similar threshold of where we go. Most of the time I am right at the precipice too. There have been a few accidental breakthroughs doing this, but the surprise ones are always welcome. I've had my fair share.

And I completely concur in the commitment and courage aspect. I have a notecard that I sometimes read over with mantras and affirmations before disembarking. One of them states, "Be Brave." Another, "Fear Not." And yet another, "Confront Fear and Anxiety."

Thank you for response also. I had actually forgotten about that card and it has some other good stuff on it: "have faith/confidence," "surrender," "just be," "don't look back," and "forget everything you think you know."

One love

 

[Ramma]

Hi! Thats a very tough problem to have on your hands. Its a very hard and lonely path with low self esteem...major depression just seeps right through. I've overcome it twice. Its extremley important to mention, in hopes you can get out of this, that in retrospect, it always was my actual physical location which caused it. Thats to say; family and friends and aquiantances. The moment I let go of these things, I soared througg heights I could have never previously imagined. I wish you peace, contentment, and joy♡

 

[Seeingisbelieving]

I believe in you.

 

[Jees]

...My experience and relationship with DMT has also been an exercise in confidence and I intend on it being that way for some time. Slowly and patiently moving my way forward. It has been an invaluable tool for me...

Hi Voidmatrix,

You haven't specified how you go about deems usage to make it working for you, this is interesting to know.

My 2 fast cents:
you might try dabbing in sub-breaktrough doses, because here you just know by a fact that you won't be challenged to ceiling heights (so any doubts about abilities to handle become a non issue from the start) and still benefit from it's properties somehow. Harmalas are advised as they offer a protecting blanked on their own and they are a necessary deems duration enhancer to get more substantial results from a sub BT dose. A therapeutic approach merely. Oral route comes to mind, if not for the harmalas alone.

What could it bring?
The floating in a womb feeling where all those convictions about yourself are actually not that much of relevant. They might exist but have no grounds nor effect in-there. This could emphasize the placing-in-perspective of those thought/conviction thingies. They're just that. To see this, to feel this, to know their unlegislated presence on the throne of your life. They have the right to exist but not the right to highjack your life. They don't have to be labeled as bad, they don't have to go, they only have to find their proper place and balance. No need to fight them, just get in a dialogue with them and negotiate them into a different impact on your life.

To float in the hamala/deems womb for a span of time, lurking on some changa in between for example, melts the glue those convictions have on you. To smile at them like "oh you naughties" , to dissolve the gravity around them.
Once in the womb they shine like a flashlight in a sunny daylight, thus perhaps present but non relevant actually.
The convictions are hardened and cannot follow your flexing of the soul with the molecules, so they convictions can get cracks. You go to there where they have a problem catching up with you.

Is this womb-place possible hummus for hardened convictions? Perhaps yes if you don't listen well enough what the "realm" has to offer you. So hear the womb, the realm, and in fact that is a very very calm and silent place once you stop looking naval stare at 'you'. Racebikers do not look at their own bike/tires/whatever is in immediate front, no, they look ahead! They might crash if they don't, we can learn from that. Try not to fixate at 'you'.

I can't say if true BT is better, it depends. The BT-scare that drapes around BT by default might be food for your convictions to feed on. With sub-BT you're in fact knowingly and utterly safe.

I'm not a professional in any way, so take it as hopefully useful poetry.

PS: some people hold on to patterns (even problematic ones) because they have a hard time redefining their selves without. Creativity might loosen up psychological knots, getting into alternative activities, new things...

 

[Voidmatrix]

Hi! Thats a very tough problem to have on your hands. Its a very hard and lonely path with low self esteem...major depression just seeps right through. I've overcome it twice. Its extremley important to mention, in hopes you can get out of this, that in retrospect, it always was my actual physical location which caused it. Thats to say; family and friends and aquiantances. The moment I let go of these things, I soared througg heights I could have never previously imagined. I wish you peace, contentment, and joy♡

I love hearing when people are able to overcome some of these mental conundrums that are apart of our lives. I thank you. Every situation is different, and while I would love to be "free" from it, it may always be a factor in my life in some degree. Just an understanding I have based on my experience dealing with it. A great deal of this started in early childhood without being addressed. I have since learned so much more about mitigating it (therapy, experiments in self-care etc). I thank you again.

I believe in you

Thank you sending loving vibes

I'm not a professional in any way, so take it as hopefully useful poetry.

A great deal of what you said was a very appropriate and properly situated with my present thought paradigm (augmenting conviction, the effects of conviction, etc). I am a lover of philosophic skepticism(s), so these kinds of elements are commonly on my mind. Thank you. Sometimes a little external encouragement and validation goes a long way.

I have been in therapy (6 years) and manage my double-depression well on a functional level.

As to your question of how I make it work for me; in the initial idea of this post, I was only focusing on one facet of the issue of breaking through. Another, which also stems from depressive algorithms, is feelings of being undeserving. What's funny about this, is that the spice has directly acknowledged this for me, and has told me that it is an error of my thinking. But I wonder, "is it trying to trick me?" The depressive construct strikes again.

I have been doing low-level to sub-breakthrough doses for the past few years and am extracting harmalas now as well. So it's good to have encouragement for being on the right path.

I completely concur with the idea that they (nefarious thoughts and patterns) don't need to go anywhere, but need to find their proper place and balance. Balance is a huge axiom for me, and getting this type of thinking in order is a step closer to more balance. It's interesting how deeply entrenched some of these patterns are; I can see them for what they are, but often end up witnessing them move and transform as they do, feeling a seemingly powerlessness to them. Just about figuring out whatever trick is necessary to augment them.

You all are amazing and I'm metaphysically hugging all of you right now. Messages received from hyperspace are being sent to me by proxy through you (the spice has told me to do more, and for various reasons I've been stubborn).

One love, peace, and be well

P.S. I apologize if this seems a little rushed. I had to get ready for work, but was so touched at the support and empathy that I really wanted to make sure to respond to all of you.

 

[grimlid]

It may sound counter intuitive but;
Have you considered just saying, "fuck it! I dont care about low self confidence!"
Foregive me if I confuse self confidence and self esteem. to me they are basically the same issue.
I am not sure where your issues arise from. I was an abuse survivor as a kid. I got multiple forms of abuse mostly physical violence from father figures. developed a self loathing that came from measuring myself against how I thought others viewed me. I needed alcohol and other street drugs to to feel normal. Things like drug dealing, gang crime and violence also helped me to feel empowered and less weak. Sadly this stuff also harmed me worse since I am a very empathetic person by nature (stupid duality).
When I got sober at age 32 I simply developed a mantra " I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks of me. I will respect myself through my own merits. I will develop my merits to be someone I respect." It really wasn't this black and white initially. I couldn't really orate it and it changed continuously but that was the bones and guts of it. I turned myself to the person I respected through my own thoughts , actions, activities and also sought help from a higher power.
Now Im in my 50s with many mistakes and successes behind me. I continue to be the person I want to respect and Im trying to teach my son to respect himself also.
Bottom line I have to always remind myself to see myself through my own eyes, assess myself critically and sometimes harshly and always take corrective action. Im not particularly kind to myself but I do take time to congratulate myself occasionally and accept the praise of my peers. I still struggle with low self esteem, I do look fat in that shirt, my hair is getting thin. Oh well I have other attributes which far outweigh my appearance or situational effectiveness or whatever is bothering me that day.
Im still a chickenshit for doing high doses of dmt in my creepy basement or my garage and I dont want to disrespect my wife by smoking it in the living room. God Or an angel suggested I shouldnt do that when I was vaping in the house one day. Pretty sure my house in haunted anyways and IM moving in a few months (whole other story).
I hope you can develop a mantra to overcome your self esteem issues. Neural pathways will open up to better facilitate the travel of these thoughts as you continuously challenge your thinking process. It takes time, practice and energy. In my case I seek a higher power's aid also.

 

[Voidmatrix]

It may sound counter intuitive but;
Have you considered just saying, "fuck it! I dont care about low self confidence!"
Foregive me if I confuse self confidence and self esteem. to me they are basically the same issue.
I am not sure where your issues arise from. I was an abuse survivor as a kid. I got multiple forms of abuse mostly physical violence from father figures. developed a self loathing that came from measuring myself against how I thought others viewed me. I needed alcohol and other street drugs to to feel normal. Things like drug dealing, gang crime and violence also helped me to feel empowered and less weak. Sadly this stuff also harmed me worse since I am a very empathetic person by nature (stupid duality).
When I got sober at age 32 I simply developed a mantra " I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks of me. I will respect myself through my own merits. I will develop my merits to be someone I respect." It really wasn't this black and white initially. I couldn't really orate it and it changed continuously but that was the bones and guts of it. I turned myself to the person I respected through my own thoughts , actions, activities and also sought help from a higher power.
Now Im in my 50s with many mistakes and successes behind me. I continue to be the person I want to respect and Im trying to teach my son to respect himself also.
Bottom line I have to always remind myself to see myself through my own eyes, assess myself critically and sometimes harshly and always take corrective action. Im not particularly kind to myself but I do take time to congratulate myself occasionally and accept the praise of my peers. I still struggle with low self esteem, I do look fat in that shirt, my hair is getting thin. Oh well I have other attributes which far outweigh my appearance or situational effectiveness or whatever is bothering me that day.
Im still a chickenshit for doing high doses of dmt in my creepy basement or my garage and I dont want to disrespect my wife by smoking it in the living room. God Or an angel suggested I shouldnt do that when I was vaping in the house one day. Pretty sure my house in haunted anyways and IM moving in a few months (whole other story).
I hope you can develop a mantra to overcome your self esteem issues. Neural pathways will open up to better facilitate the travel of these thoughts as you continuously challenge your thinking process. It takes time, practice and energy. In my case I seek a higher power's aid also.

Thank grimlid for sharing your story of triumph and success. Very beautiful and very touching.

I have not really tried saying that to myself, possibly because, for me, I don't think it would be true. I would however like to care less, or even rather, be indifferent towards it so it ends up in a neutral framework and thus less important.

I am just taking small steps in addressing it, such as being confident enough to be vulnerable enough to share it with others (whom I don't know well).

When I decided to post, the thinking was that I am not the only one who will deal with this, though there will be varying degrees, intensity, and forms for others. Somethings will work for some other things for others.

I do have a variety of mantras for myself and life and thought process. I think I just need to implement them better lol. What's the use in having them if they're not used.

Thank you again; for also being vulnerable, sharing, and contributing to the dialogue.

One love

 

[grimlid]

I am just taking small steps in addressing it, such as being confident enough to be vulnerable enough to share it with others (whom I don't know well).


One love

I agree it is difficult to share personal stories even with the anonymity of the internet. I have learned that my truth is exactly that. I got forced to do group therapy with guys from way harder backgrounds than me, and also people who had what I perceived as great lives I was envious of. This environment made me understand that I can be whatever I want to be and accomplish whatever I want. Provided I put the equivalent amount of effort and energy towards the goal.
I think you will succeed in your goals by the sound of things. A supportive friend once told me, "you got this one!" and I believed him.

 

[Tomtegubbe]

It may sound counter intuitive but;
Have you considered just saying, "fuck it! I dont care about low self confidence!"

Thank you for sharing, grimlid! I think this attitude can get you forward, but it can be tough when you are tired of fighting with yourself.

I have had lots of self blame, but I have tried to build a more gentle attitude towards myself in little matters. Like, if there is a situation that requires more courage or energy than I have, I try to think is there another way I can act. Is there something I can do that doesn't require more from me than I have?

It can start from small things like instead of forcing yourself to do household chores think of what positive does doing the task bring.

 

[Voidmatrix]

I am just taking small steps in addressing it, such as being confident enough to be vulnerable enough to share it with others (whom I don't know well).


One love

I agree it is difficult to share personal stories even with the anonymity of the internet. I have learned that my truth is exactly that. I got forced to do group therapy with guys from way harder backgrounds than me, and also people who had what I perceived as great lives I was envious of. This environment made me understand that I can be whatever I want to be and accomplish whatever I want. Provided I put the equivalent amount of effort and energy towards the goal.
I think you will succeed in your goals by the sound of things. A supportive friend once told me, "you got this one!" and I believed him.

I'm very grateful that there has been so much discussion about therapy on this thread and the forum in general. While I've only done group therapy a few times (didn't really benefit me, individually, which doesn't negate its overall therapeutic benefit),I was in one on one therapy for a while which helped tremendously.

I thank you for your faith in me, even though I've really said very little overall regarding this conundrum.

Thank you for sharing, grimlid! I think this attitude can get you forward, but it can be tough when you are tired of fighting with yourself.

I have had lots of self blame, but I have tried to build a more gentle attitude towards myself in little matters. Like, if there is a situation that requires more courage or energy than I have, I try to think is there another way I can act. Is there something I can do that doesn't require more from me than I have?

It can start from small things like instead of forcing yourself to do household chores think of what positive does doing the task bring.

Your post aligns with me well seeing as getting myself to clean the house can be an inner battle for me. I still get it done though! But as mentioned earlier, it can be applied to most of my desires; working on philosophy (my passion), working on music (another passion), etc.

I'm a little too good at depriving myself. For so long, I wanted to avoid attachment, so much so that I became attached to detachment. Cute little paradox lol.

I value my critical thinking and everything that comes with it (seeing many sides of a situation or ideal, a layering and polyvalncy in understanding, abandoning what I think I know in order to have understandings (sometimes contradictory) of something new, etc.), but I seem to need to find balance in it's functioning.

Kinda reminds me of when a doctor told me I was "beyond myself..."

I too have tried to adopt a more gentle stance with myself, only pushing myself when it's really appropriate.

I would like you all to know, while I didn't anticipate this thread being this active, I am so grateful. In the past week engaging with it and all of you, I have started to see and make changes and grow from all of this.

A beautiful gift from all of you.

One love