Virtus
Rising Star
These are two posts in one. The first 3 points are the report I wrote after my first trip, some 3 weeks ago. I don't really expect anyone to read this wall of text, but I feel i should be out there, and it doesn't seem like Erowid is publishing it any soon, so here it is.
On the bottom is a recap of the trips that followed, which I wrote today (4.Follow-up). That's the point that refers to the title of this post.
0. Intro
To give you some background, I drink coffee daily, smoke weed and/or drink beer nightly, and I'm addicted to nicotine. Prior to this I had basic experience with psychedelics and, well, extensive with party drugs. I'm into extreme sports and I love the thrill of risk and challenge. I thought that meant I was prepared for what was coming. It didn't.
1. Preparation
A few days ago my weed finished for the first time in years, and where I currently live (Taiwan) it's way too expensive. After a quick research it turned out that that Acacia Confusa is cheap and easy to find in these parts, and since I wanted to do DMT for a long while, I figured this was the time.
I got 1kg of the root bark for the price of a pack of cigarettes, and got to work - freezing, thawing, blender, Vinegar A/B extraction (3 boils), carbon oxide base, and a few alcohol pulls- resulted in 6g of the thick, waxy, dark red goo. No defat - will try it next time.
I didn't sleep at all on the night before the take-off (I have insomnia without weed), but it wasn't going to stop me. When I finished cleaning up the house and preparing myself mentally, it was already around midnight. My flatmate and I set up in our living room where we used to smoke up every night, so definitely a comfortable space, and we googled some psybient chill playlist (the best idea btw).
Going into it with the assumption that i was experienced with substances and well informed, I loaded 30mg for the first contact. As it later turned out, we misread the scales and it was actually 300mg. Our smoking method was (very) far from perfect though.
2. Action
I took it in in one drag which took some 30 sec; maybe more. 10 sec into the drag my vision became blurry. After another 10 sec, the pipe seemed twice as long as it should. When I got it all in things began to get weird and inexplicable. I held it in for some 10 sec (though time was already loosing meaning) and by the end of it I felt completely weightless and got the feeling that I could live without breathing infinitely, much like the feeling of breathing under water in a dream. It was pretty cool but I was "aware" that if I don't breath, I'll die, and that thought crept along with me into the trip.
When I let the smoke out, I leaned back and watched the reality getting more distant - literally, physically moving further away from me. Then, in an instant, I was pure consciousness floating in a space-less, timeless... place? Reality I guess. No self-awareness, no memories. I "saw" the chrysanthemum visuals slowly rotating and unfolding in front of me to the rhythm of the psybient music, filling up my entire vision. "Seeing" is not the best term though - rather, i was aware of the shapes and colors - again, much like I'm aware of the content of a dream. Since time didn't exist there, I was always only aware of the present "view", and literally nothing else. That meant that by the time the vision changed, I already forgot the last one (Even now I know I had several visions, but I only remember the last one, and barely). The feeling of being there, however... man...absolute astonishment and awe... surreal beyond imagination... divine... yeah, divine is the word. The amazement was so deep that it alone made me shocked and confused for the rest of the trip and comedown.
I wasn't quite aware of my own existence for what FELT like 10 min. Then, the breath and not dying issue surfaced in my mind so I decided to take a breath, and to my own surprise, I did. I felt it filling up my chest, and I felt my body as a warm, fluid, electric thing, as if made from vibrating energy. I felt the existence of my body, but it was definitely in a different "place" than I was. It was pleasant and peaceful, and most of all, I was happy about not being dead. Breathing grounded me very much and after a few breaths, which FELT like another 5 min, I realized that the trip should be over by then and started worrying that something was wrong, so I forced myself to open my eyes.
When I got back, the only thing I knew was that I was in the same place I departed from. Everything else was utter confusion. Nothing around me made sense. I had no idea who I was, why I was there, or even which planet i was on. Complete blank slate. Just as they say - as if I was just born into this world and saw everything for the first time. I didn't recognize any object around me for what FELT like another 5-10 min. Then my flatmate passed by while he was walking around the house and I knew that he was my friend and that I was safe. Beautiful feeling. Btw, when he passed by, he actually materialized in one spot, made two steps, and disappeared again. It didn't freak me out though, because it was the least weird thing around me at that time.
When I eventually looked at my body, I recognized my limbs and thought: "Riight, so I'm a human... and we have those things sticking out of our bodies which are very useful for something". I still didn't know the difference between arms and legs, though. Also, I had an undefined number of limbs and it seemed different each time I looked, but I thought it was more or less normal.
Then, I recognized the coffee table on which our accessories lied and I knew we did SOMETHING there which put me in this state. I remember wandering whether I ate something, or injected something, or what the hell it was. I couldn't recall it so I gave up and just observed the weirdness around me for a while.
One by one I started recognizing and recalling things, literally as if my mind was a computer mapping out its content after a reset.
All this time, not only wasn't I aware that the things called speech and language exist - i wasn't aware that I'm able to make sounds. When speech eventually came back, first thing I asked my sitter was how long had passed (my voice sounded foreign, as if somebody else said it from my mouth), being 100% sure it was between 30-45 minutes, to which he answered: less than 5 min. What.The.Fuck. What was an even bigger mind-blow, turns out my eyes were open the entire freaking time! Whaaat...!?
My sitter spoke to me about his own experience (lower dose) before leaving the house, but to me the scene was a messy time-loop, as if watching a short video and skipping back and forth, so I told him we'd talk tomorrow. I needed a moment to get grasp of reality.
At that time the whole thing still didn't make sense to me whatsoever - I was completely confused for good 10 (real) minutes, and I was able to put it in words as you're reading them only hours later - hours of constant analytical effort.
3. Comedown
When I recalled that I can walk (15 min after smoking), the first thing I did was hiding the spice and equipment. I remember feeling the responsibility of not letting anyone else getting this mindfucked until I can tell them what to expect. Then, I walked around the house for good half an hour with the face in my palms, repeating "wow..", and "holy fucking shitfuck", and "Thank you" (though i didn't quite know whom i thanked - maybe the spice for letting me appreciate my own existence, or maybe the universe for putting the spice and me on the same planet). Then I cleaned up the house, got rid of all cigarettes in the house, which I felt repulsing, and went to bed to think.
Again, I didn't sleep the entire night - this time from amazement. An hour after smoking I was myself, but still in shock for the rest of the night. I was trying to make sense out of it for 8 hours, until I eventually got up and went to work early. Curiously, I didn't feel bad at all despite not sleeping for 72h. I was tired, but at peace and still excited about what happened to the point that it took effort not to tell everyone around me- including my boss. I felt like I came back from a 4-dimensional roller coaster. I was, beyond doubt, the most intense thing that ever happened to me.
___
4. Follow up (3 weeks later)
Immediately after the first trip I completely lost interest in sugar, junk food, alcohol and even coffee. I tried some cookies after a while, but being barely able to swallow them, I dropped it. Same for bear - bought one for the Game of Thrones, and ended up pouring half of the can into the sink. I keep smoking cigarettes but they taste disgusting now.
After the shock of the first experience, I started over essentially micro-dosing roughly once a day and building up the dose over the course of 2 weeks. Once I reached medium doses I noticed that each of the trips seemed to be a lesson, and each lesson was repeated until I changed my behavior.
The lesson from the first trip gave me the awareness of the consequences of my dietary choices. Somehow, I suddenly was able to see past the anxiety to get my fix and, once observed, I was able to control it. It is now clear to me that the chocolate bars and beer were filling up an emotional hole in me that doesn't seem to be there anymore. Instead of the snacks and coffee I now eat only healthy meals and drink several types of tea. I haven't had so much natural energy - physical and mental - probably since childhood.
The second lesson took some work. See, the fear before vaping didn't subside at all - in fact, I was increasingly more scared before each session. Despite knowing it was biologically impossible to suffocate while unconscious, I was afraid to let go of control while in hyperspace. Conscious breathing grounded me, which made the trips shallow and short (take the first one as an example).
Eventually I committed myself to take the leap of faith. I increased the dose more than usual, and allowed myself not to breathe and gave myself completely to the molecule. After a few seconds in the hyperspace, the moment I felt lack of oxygen in my brain, surprise surprise, my body started breathing by itself.
A few joyful moments after that, for the first time, out of the blue fractal membrane waves emerged the shape of a person with a clearly feminine energy. She was merged with her surrounding as if made of the same stuff, floating majestically right in front of me and just looking, much like an architect checking on his project being built. She gave me the feeling that I'm not alone and that I'm supported and cared for... I fell in love.
The message I brought back was that true freedom comes from letting go of control. The experience exposed the anxiety I was carrying around throughout the day and into night. After 15 years of struggle with insomnia, I can now lie down, press the "let go" button and sleep.
The third lesson was a challenge that I'm yet to complete. On the next day I did everything right: diet, mindset, interactions with others, productivity, everything - with the only exception of smoking tobacco all day.
When the trip started I was very happy to see the Lady slowly materializing as before, and I was more than ready to interact this time. Then, in an instant, she vanished as if escaping in a hurry, and a demonic shadowy presence started emerging and rapidly consuming all the visuals. I got scared and open my eyes just to see the very same shadow creeping on the walls of my room and filling it up... fuck. I panicked and quickly got up to turn the lights on until I came down. Didn't sleep till late morning, fearing of waking up to one of those sleep paralysis horrors. A grown man terrified like a little child.
The next day I decided to trip in the daylight. The visuals started well but soon turned into the same demonic being. This time, however instead of a shadow I could see clearly its ugly face right in front of me and sort of approaching rapidly without actually getting closer - if that makes any sense. It looked fractal and resembled a horned fantasy monster more than the horror ghost I previously conjured. This time I stayed there in an attempt to confront it, but nothing was changing so I spent the rest of the trip watching the OEVs and waiting for it to be over. I understood the demon was not out in my room but right within me, and somehow I knew that the way to get rid of it was to starve it. I think it feeds on my failures to say no to the nicotine calls.
That was 1 week ago. Unfortunately, after that my life situation changed due to external factors, which made me deeply sad and almost suicidal. I didn't want to trip in that state, until my earthly problems got fixed.
I'm now getting back on my feet and I'm committed to meeting the Lady again. There were 3 days this week I didn't smoke any cigarettes (for the first time in a decade!) but relapsed each night or morning. I'm scared shitless of tripping before I get my addiction sorted but I'm positive it won't be long. I'm on a mission now and I have allies more powerful than I could ever wish for.
I'll probably write another update in a couple of weeks. If you made it this far, kudos to you. I hope this helps someone get the idea of what to expect from their first trip and approach it with less arrogance than I have. Thanks a lot for your attention. Peace out
___
P.S. - I went into the experience with the mindset of looking for help with nicotine addiction and insomnia, so it might be placebo, sure, but at the end of the day, for the first time in my adult life my problems are mostly solved, and that's all that matters to me. DMT was either the cure or a tool to access the cure within me. Either way, I'm infinitely grateful to it - to the point that instead of swinging the spice as planned, I'm happy to share it with my friends anytime for free.
On the bottom is a recap of the trips that followed, which I wrote today (4.Follow-up). That's the point that refers to the title of this post.
0. Intro
To give you some background, I drink coffee daily, smoke weed and/or drink beer nightly, and I'm addicted to nicotine. Prior to this I had basic experience with psychedelics and, well, extensive with party drugs. I'm into extreme sports and I love the thrill of risk and challenge. I thought that meant I was prepared for what was coming. It didn't.
1. Preparation
A few days ago my weed finished for the first time in years, and where I currently live (Taiwan) it's way too expensive. After a quick research it turned out that that Acacia Confusa is cheap and easy to find in these parts, and since I wanted to do DMT for a long while, I figured this was the time.
I got 1kg of the root bark for the price of a pack of cigarettes, and got to work - freezing, thawing, blender, Vinegar A/B extraction (3 boils), carbon oxide base, and a few alcohol pulls- resulted in 6g of the thick, waxy, dark red goo. No defat - will try it next time.
I didn't sleep at all on the night before the take-off (I have insomnia without weed), but it wasn't going to stop me. When I finished cleaning up the house and preparing myself mentally, it was already around midnight. My flatmate and I set up in our living room where we used to smoke up every night, so definitely a comfortable space, and we googled some psybient chill playlist (the best idea btw).
Going into it with the assumption that i was experienced with substances and well informed, I loaded 30mg for the first contact. As it later turned out, we misread the scales and it was actually 300mg. Our smoking method was (very) far from perfect though.
2. Action
I took it in in one drag which took some 30 sec; maybe more. 10 sec into the drag my vision became blurry. After another 10 sec, the pipe seemed twice as long as it should. When I got it all in things began to get weird and inexplicable. I held it in for some 10 sec (though time was already loosing meaning) and by the end of it I felt completely weightless and got the feeling that I could live without breathing infinitely, much like the feeling of breathing under water in a dream. It was pretty cool but I was "aware" that if I don't breath, I'll die, and that thought crept along with me into the trip.
When I let the smoke out, I leaned back and watched the reality getting more distant - literally, physically moving further away from me. Then, in an instant, I was pure consciousness floating in a space-less, timeless... place? Reality I guess. No self-awareness, no memories. I "saw" the chrysanthemum visuals slowly rotating and unfolding in front of me to the rhythm of the psybient music, filling up my entire vision. "Seeing" is not the best term though - rather, i was aware of the shapes and colors - again, much like I'm aware of the content of a dream. Since time didn't exist there, I was always only aware of the present "view", and literally nothing else. That meant that by the time the vision changed, I already forgot the last one (Even now I know I had several visions, but I only remember the last one, and barely). The feeling of being there, however... man...absolute astonishment and awe... surreal beyond imagination... divine... yeah, divine is the word. The amazement was so deep that it alone made me shocked and confused for the rest of the trip and comedown.
I wasn't quite aware of my own existence for what FELT like 10 min. Then, the breath and not dying issue surfaced in my mind so I decided to take a breath, and to my own surprise, I did. I felt it filling up my chest, and I felt my body as a warm, fluid, electric thing, as if made from vibrating energy. I felt the existence of my body, but it was definitely in a different "place" than I was. It was pleasant and peaceful, and most of all, I was happy about not being dead. Breathing grounded me very much and after a few breaths, which FELT like another 5 min, I realized that the trip should be over by then and started worrying that something was wrong, so I forced myself to open my eyes.
When I got back, the only thing I knew was that I was in the same place I departed from. Everything else was utter confusion. Nothing around me made sense. I had no idea who I was, why I was there, or even which planet i was on. Complete blank slate. Just as they say - as if I was just born into this world and saw everything for the first time. I didn't recognize any object around me for what FELT like another 5-10 min. Then my flatmate passed by while he was walking around the house and I knew that he was my friend and that I was safe. Beautiful feeling. Btw, when he passed by, he actually materialized in one spot, made two steps, and disappeared again. It didn't freak me out though, because it was the least weird thing around me at that time.
When I eventually looked at my body, I recognized my limbs and thought: "Riight, so I'm a human... and we have those things sticking out of our bodies which are very useful for something". I still didn't know the difference between arms and legs, though. Also, I had an undefined number of limbs and it seemed different each time I looked, but I thought it was more or less normal.
Then, I recognized the coffee table on which our accessories lied and I knew we did SOMETHING there which put me in this state. I remember wandering whether I ate something, or injected something, or what the hell it was. I couldn't recall it so I gave up and just observed the weirdness around me for a while.
One by one I started recognizing and recalling things, literally as if my mind was a computer mapping out its content after a reset.
All this time, not only wasn't I aware that the things called speech and language exist - i wasn't aware that I'm able to make sounds. When speech eventually came back, first thing I asked my sitter was how long had passed (my voice sounded foreign, as if somebody else said it from my mouth), being 100% sure it was between 30-45 minutes, to which he answered: less than 5 min. What.The.Fuck. What was an even bigger mind-blow, turns out my eyes were open the entire freaking time! Whaaat...!?
My sitter spoke to me about his own experience (lower dose) before leaving the house, but to me the scene was a messy time-loop, as if watching a short video and skipping back and forth, so I told him we'd talk tomorrow. I needed a moment to get grasp of reality.
At that time the whole thing still didn't make sense to me whatsoever - I was completely confused for good 10 (real) minutes, and I was able to put it in words as you're reading them only hours later - hours of constant analytical effort.
3. Comedown
When I recalled that I can walk (15 min after smoking), the first thing I did was hiding the spice and equipment. I remember feeling the responsibility of not letting anyone else getting this mindfucked until I can tell them what to expect. Then, I walked around the house for good half an hour with the face in my palms, repeating "wow..", and "holy fucking shitfuck", and "Thank you" (though i didn't quite know whom i thanked - maybe the spice for letting me appreciate my own existence, or maybe the universe for putting the spice and me on the same planet). Then I cleaned up the house, got rid of all cigarettes in the house, which I felt repulsing, and went to bed to think.
Again, I didn't sleep the entire night - this time from amazement. An hour after smoking I was myself, but still in shock for the rest of the night. I was trying to make sense out of it for 8 hours, until I eventually got up and went to work early. Curiously, I didn't feel bad at all despite not sleeping for 72h. I was tired, but at peace and still excited about what happened to the point that it took effort not to tell everyone around me- including my boss. I felt like I came back from a 4-dimensional roller coaster. I was, beyond doubt, the most intense thing that ever happened to me.
___
4. Follow up (3 weeks later)
Immediately after the first trip I completely lost interest in sugar, junk food, alcohol and even coffee. I tried some cookies after a while, but being barely able to swallow them, I dropped it. Same for bear - bought one for the Game of Thrones, and ended up pouring half of the can into the sink. I keep smoking cigarettes but they taste disgusting now.
After the shock of the first experience, I started over essentially micro-dosing roughly once a day and building up the dose over the course of 2 weeks. Once I reached medium doses I noticed that each of the trips seemed to be a lesson, and each lesson was repeated until I changed my behavior.
The lesson from the first trip gave me the awareness of the consequences of my dietary choices. Somehow, I suddenly was able to see past the anxiety to get my fix and, once observed, I was able to control it. It is now clear to me that the chocolate bars and beer were filling up an emotional hole in me that doesn't seem to be there anymore. Instead of the snacks and coffee I now eat only healthy meals and drink several types of tea. I haven't had so much natural energy - physical and mental - probably since childhood.
The second lesson took some work. See, the fear before vaping didn't subside at all - in fact, I was increasingly more scared before each session. Despite knowing it was biologically impossible to suffocate while unconscious, I was afraid to let go of control while in hyperspace. Conscious breathing grounded me, which made the trips shallow and short (take the first one as an example).
Eventually I committed myself to take the leap of faith. I increased the dose more than usual, and allowed myself not to breathe and gave myself completely to the molecule. After a few seconds in the hyperspace, the moment I felt lack of oxygen in my brain, surprise surprise, my body started breathing by itself.
A few joyful moments after that, for the first time, out of the blue fractal membrane waves emerged the shape of a person with a clearly feminine energy. She was merged with her surrounding as if made of the same stuff, floating majestically right in front of me and just looking, much like an architect checking on his project being built. She gave me the feeling that I'm not alone and that I'm supported and cared for... I fell in love.
The message I brought back was that true freedom comes from letting go of control. The experience exposed the anxiety I was carrying around throughout the day and into night. After 15 years of struggle with insomnia, I can now lie down, press the "let go" button and sleep.
The third lesson was a challenge that I'm yet to complete. On the next day I did everything right: diet, mindset, interactions with others, productivity, everything - with the only exception of smoking tobacco all day.
When the trip started I was very happy to see the Lady slowly materializing as before, and I was more than ready to interact this time. Then, in an instant, she vanished as if escaping in a hurry, and a demonic shadowy presence started emerging and rapidly consuming all the visuals. I got scared and open my eyes just to see the very same shadow creeping on the walls of my room and filling it up... fuck. I panicked and quickly got up to turn the lights on until I came down. Didn't sleep till late morning, fearing of waking up to one of those sleep paralysis horrors. A grown man terrified like a little child.
The next day I decided to trip in the daylight. The visuals started well but soon turned into the same demonic being. This time, however instead of a shadow I could see clearly its ugly face right in front of me and sort of approaching rapidly without actually getting closer - if that makes any sense. It looked fractal and resembled a horned fantasy monster more than the horror ghost I previously conjured. This time I stayed there in an attempt to confront it, but nothing was changing so I spent the rest of the trip watching the OEVs and waiting for it to be over. I understood the demon was not out in my room but right within me, and somehow I knew that the way to get rid of it was to starve it. I think it feeds on my failures to say no to the nicotine calls.
That was 1 week ago. Unfortunately, after that my life situation changed due to external factors, which made me deeply sad and almost suicidal. I didn't want to trip in that state, until my earthly problems got fixed.
I'm now getting back on my feet and I'm committed to meeting the Lady again. There were 3 days this week I didn't smoke any cigarettes (for the first time in a decade!) but relapsed each night or morning. I'm scared shitless of tripping before I get my addiction sorted but I'm positive it won't be long. I'm on a mission now and I have allies more powerful than I could ever wish for.
I'll probably write another update in a couple of weeks. If you made it this far, kudos to you. I hope this helps someone get the idea of what to expect from their first trip and approach it with less arrogance than I have. Thanks a lot for your attention. Peace out
___
P.S. - I went into the experience with the mindset of looking for help with nicotine addiction and insomnia, so it might be placebo, sure, but at the end of the day, for the first time in my adult life my problems are mostly solved, and that's all that matters to me. DMT was either the cure or a tool to access the cure within me. Either way, I'm infinitely grateful to it - to the point that instead of swinging the spice as planned, I'm happy to share it with my friends anytime for free.