Exp. Report Powerful experience following ketamine + DMT combination

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Yesterday I had an extremely powerful experience.

I was having a ketamine session, which now I have once a month. The dose was pretty heavy, and it seems I've learned to administrate it better than in the past, as it came up much faster than usual.

The session itself was powerful but with little meaning. It seemed to be focused on death, as usual for ketamine, but in a very material way. I felt myself as a clump of atoms, undifferentiated from all other atoms in the universe. I could see how the atoms that currently form me (or their components) will be here forever, mixing with everything else. It had a feeling of "don't worry about this", but in the sense that reality seemed utterly meaningless, like billiard balls clashing against each other for eternity for no reason. I could see that there was an aspect of reality and myself (and everyone else missing there), but couldn't pinpoint it in the moment. This was not as grim as it sounds, it had a kind of comfort and consolation to it. But I have had those experiences already quite a few times, and they just don't have much depth.

For some reason, once I could move it immediately felt right to take DMT. I hadn't planned on it.
Using my vape, very small puffs resulted in an extremely intense experience. That immediately brought what "was missing" with overwhelming power: Life, Spirit, Divinity, however one wants to call it. I felt my typical "overheating" I often feel with oral brews, something that seems to indicate that I've been in that situation before in a situation of extreme danger, and that I'm at risk of dying. I was able to accept it and let the energy course through me, and reality fold in itself revealing the game and dance of reality, with no meaning beyond itself, but at the same time more meaningful than anything else.

I traversed that veil several times, trying to surrender as much as possible. I could see how I live in fear and vigilance all the time, even when I'm alone, trying to find danger and protect myself (e.g. always back to the wall, never turning my back to the door in a room, etc.). I felt that fear but was able to accept it too, and it resulted in more energy coursing through me.

Once it became possible for me to move again (from the effects of DMT), I felt an imperious urge to shake, breath very strongly, and scream. I did it, and then suddenly my movements became rhythmical. For a moment I resisted, but then I let my body move on its own to the music, dancing wildly. I accepted it and felt extremely alive as I danced and danced (first on my knees, then I was able to stand up), "refueling" with small amounts of DMT from time to time and going back to the dance as soon as I was back into my body. At that point, a 2 seconds puff (according to the screen in my mod, as to me the inhalation felt like it lasted 10 seconds or more) was enough to send me to the other side for an indefinite time (it may have been just a few minutes each time, I really have no idea).

It seems that ketamine helped by temporarily lowering inhibition and hypervigilance. I realized how much I feel in danger at all times, and thus close myself to these energies when they appear. Now, having experienced for the first time in my life this kind of freedom (including dancing without any judgement for the first time), it points the path to follow. And I'll have to continue working on this, with oral brews (and maybe cactus), and of course in my day to day awareness.

Then, as I was listening to kirtan, I decided to sing it. At first it was difficult because I couldn't control my throat well, but then it started pouring out on its own, and I felt the vibrations in my throat become one with the vibration in everything else.

The music (Krishna Das, thanks @northape) started "decomposing" in many different, strange voices. And it seemed as if little beings that compose reality (and therefore, me) were all singing it, swirling. The traditional idea of the angels signing around God comes to mind. It's as if reality itself were a circular dance around the always still, unmoving, empty center.

I'm not sure what it says about me that it took a massive k-hole dose of ketamine, plus repeated DMT, for me to just be able to dance and sing freely. In any case, I'm very happy I was able to. Now I know how it feels, and I hope one day I'll be able to just do that in a sober state, even if it's only when I'm alone. I've also gained a new appreciation for the act of dancing, which I never fully "got" before and seemed to me somewhat stupid (even if in theory I knew that it wasn't).

I know this is a bit all over the place. I'm still integrating the experience, and its intensity (plus the sudden, violent, abrupt shift from ketamine soulessness and death to DMT cosmic spirituality) makes it difficult to explain as a coherent whole, there are many parts that I'm omitting.

 

[northape]

And it seemed as if little beings that compose reality (and therefore, me) were all singing it, swirling. The traditional idea of the angels signing around God comes to mind. It's as if reality itself were a circular dance around the always still, unmoving, empty center.

As they say, the name is the deity itself. Krishna Das occasionally jokes, "One day you'll call Ram for real, and he'll answer."
Whatever the case, these kirtan songs are very safe and will only do you good. I've tested it to the bone

 

[Transform]

Hm, yesterday I was re-reading the section of John Lilly's "The Scientist" where he goes into detail about has phenomenal ketamine binge, so your report stacks up quite nicely as a counterpoint.

Life, Spirit, Divinity

interesting choice of sequence - is that hinting at a plan for cementing some of this through a… lengthier experience?

 

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Hm, yesterday I was re-reading the section of John Lilly's "The Scientist" where he goes into detail about has phenomenal ketamine binge, so your report stacks up quite nicely as a counterpoint.

I'm not sure if it's due to a difference in sensitivity, or because he injected ketamine instead of insufflating it, but I've never had experiences of the kind he mentions. I've had the experience of traveling through different dimensions there, but they tended to seem empty and dead, with the exception of a sun-like ball that has appeared sometimes. Another exception is an occasion where I had the delusional experience of contacting specific Nexus members in that space (???!!!!).

I've gotten some benefit from ketamine in the past, mostly in periods of unstable and depressive mood. The matter-of-fact experience of death I tend to have there brought some comfort, as I mentioned, and relativized my problems. I think overall I've gotten more comfort than useful progress or insight. Comfort can be useful but can also be dangerous. I tried a larger dose than usual this time to see if that would help going deeper, but it didn't. It only made even more believable the idea that I had died. I think this experience can be useful the first time, but after the Nth time of idly wondering if you are actually dead there's not much more to get from that. At least not for me.

interesting choice of sequence - is that hinting at a plan for cementing some of this through a… lengthier experience?

Ha, I didn't even realize! I wrote that part while still under the effects, so I wonder if it was subconscious. It does sound like a good idea at some point of the summer. I want to pace myself, as today I've been feeling very inclined to contemplate spiritual and philosophical ideas to some detriment of doing my day to day tasks.