BeastofBurden
Rising Star
I've experienced several somewhat profound trips since DMT Nexus was 'out of business'. 3 Which were my first ever TRUE psychedelic experiences, if you don't count being stoned countless times on marijuana. The first two (Rue+mimosa) are worth writing a report on because of a very strange occurrence that I've told no one about.. and maybe some of you have experienced? (I will get around to making a compressed report for the Ayahuasca because I could use feedback from you guys)
To the point: Nearly a month ago I had had two Syrian Rue and Mimosa Hostilis trips. The first I used 5G Mimosa and then 15G the second time a week later. Both were hellish experiences but the second was far stronger and insane after I consumed a buttered wheat bun to jump start the trip. Visuals were minor both times but I still felt a strong trip within. I couldn't sit up after eating the bun because I felt too sick. Both trips lasted only two hours. The second trip diagnosed me with Autism. I felt great and very talkative after it was over. I started to have high hopes in Ayahuasca.
Then... 10:00pm Sunday I was camping in a tent 15 yards from my dad who was sleeping in the bed of his truck. At around 12:30AM yesterday morning, I ate 4 ground HBWR seeds. My stomach had a burning sensation for 8+ hours. I felt I couldn't sit up for very long and didn't consider throwing up during the middle of the trip. I chose to just lie there and fell asleep for maybe an hour. Once it started brightening outside I was starting to feel a bit unnerved. No visuals were present, just horrifying reality setting in. What was frightening about this was I thought I would feel this way for the rest of my life. My feelings toward my life weren't irrational. It's actually a matter of accepting my whole nutty family, which at the moment was much too difficult. So I covered my head with the sleeping bag and hoped this madness would leave me. I believe the whole madness of the trip was derived from the feeling that "Life isn't worth living". This is far from usual and not true. Whether or not my burdens are far worse than the average man does not matter. I believe I've taught myself well (or maybe my supposed autism allows me to adapt and accept reality well?) and people see me as very optimistic.
8:00AM - The ample chirping of cardinals was maddening to my situation. I was frightened to see the light in my tent and in my surroundings. I summoned some courage and eventually crawled toward the tent entrance.I decided to call my dad and ask for a bottle of water while holding myself on all fours. I told him I felt sick, and it did get a bit cold last night, especially when I noticed the vasoconstricting effects kicking in. He mentioned my drinking of orange juice and the high acidity possibly making me feel uneasy. I got up and out, walked several yards towards the forest and forced a good barf. I get dehydrated easily without knowing and have trouble vomiting unless I have water to add to whatever comes out. Immediately I felt better, but this was short-lived. After 20 minutes I had to lie back down and deal with the reoccurring madness that is my reality. Soon after I lied down, I heard my dads truck take off. To where? I didn't know.
Soon I heard another truck pull up nearby and got out to try my best in integrating such a harsh experience. I sat by the tent on a picnic table and was trying to sort my thoughts into a more rational thinking. The thought of "my dad left me, and I and these two poor dogs are now orphaned" had crept in my mind. It didn't help when the truck that pulled up nearby had some creepers who were eying my campsite. They pretended to look up into the trees nearby and I felt they were spying to check out the scene at my campsite. I wasn't in plain site; I somewhat hidden behind the tent and hunched over, contemplating this 'mental disaster'. I didn't want them to see me so after a few minutes I hopped in the tent, and kept a birch wood beating stick nearby. My dad left this with me the night before in case I had to use it on anything. But in this case I could have used it on 'anyone'. I was NOT in the mood to deal with thieves and was prepared to ragingly lash out at these intruders if needed. Yes, like a mad man. I've always resented when people steal things from my parents or things my parents had given to me. It made me sick to the core. It proved to me that not even my parents are in control.
I attempted to contact my dad through text. "Where you go?" I awaited his text as to where he was and the need to throw up again was urgent in my mind. Finally he had returned his text along with himself in the truck and I was relieved to see this. I retrieved another bottle of water to allow myself more vomiting in hopes of 'returning to normal'. By now the rough characters who were eying our site had gone. I put myself up to more head throbbing vomiting and finally had felt free of any nausea. The relief was not only bodily, but in my mind also. For getting only one hour sleep I had ample energy. He wanted to scout for lost golf balls since we were 10 minutes walking time from a golf course. We did this then left.
I was appreciative of this newly found mental clarity and sight of truth. But still I can feel the fright lingering in the back of my mind. I know it's there but it's not triggered at the moment. When I left my dads house and returned to my home I had picked up on the fear again. The particular fear that my life wasn't worth the trouble was present in mind but not so prominent.
After being home for a while and scoping out my issue with a good dose of optimism, I decided to take a shower. I wanted to fuel my cleansing thoughts with good music so I checked what was in my iPhone player. Banco De Gaia - Touching the Void; an amazing song (my favorite in fact), but too difficult to listen to on my 15g Mimosa trip. I began to play it even though it usually brings up fear of the unknown, or maybe I just can't handle it when tripping. The sound was strangely soothing, and was complimented by the texts from a close friend who I recently let in on my fondness of psychedelics. I told him a bit about the trip but didn't mention that my hellish experience. The shower felt good; I had gone a bit through the song and by now I was feeling hope become stronger and stronger. Hope had manifested itself to where all I could sense were feelings of joy. I affirmed to myself dozens of times, "Life is worth living!", to the beat of the song. To my surprise this hopefulness lasted throughout the night. When I woke up this morning I played the song again and meditated to it; with all the optimism I had I affirmed to myself that things were okay. Life was worth living. I enjoy just being alive. Only once today did I have the darkness creep in my mind and the same frightening thoughts attempt to return. Once I found something to do, other than search "Shrooms and Autism" online, I felt better again.
While beginning to write this I felt discouraged, like there was no hope for me in psychedelics other than the healings of Ayahuasca. However, I stuck it out and finished this. I believe ego death for me is possible; It's just I'm going to have hell reaching it. I'm looking for of integrating such an experience like this, in case things get rough again. I don't blame Hawaiian Baby Wood Rose seeds for the bad trip. Perhaps this is how one learns from even a haunting experience. Or perhaps I shouldn't 'go there' again till I am well, or at all. I'd like to hear from someone who's had a similar experience of hopelessness that persisted after becoming sober. I'm also looking for ways to integrate. Things I should read? "Remember, Be Here Now" seems promising. Would it help? Any suggestions, stories of your own, and anything else of that nature would be appreciated.
The good thing is I'm feeling better and better as I get re-accustomed to my life. If you've bothered to read this far, thank you so much :d I will return to check in in a few hours but for now I have to head to town.
To the point: Nearly a month ago I had had two Syrian Rue and Mimosa Hostilis trips. The first I used 5G Mimosa and then 15G the second time a week later. Both were hellish experiences but the second was far stronger and insane after I consumed a buttered wheat bun to jump start the trip. Visuals were minor both times but I still felt a strong trip within. I couldn't sit up after eating the bun because I felt too sick. Both trips lasted only two hours. The second trip diagnosed me with Autism. I felt great and very talkative after it was over. I started to have high hopes in Ayahuasca.
Then... 10:00pm Sunday I was camping in a tent 15 yards from my dad who was sleeping in the bed of his truck. At around 12:30AM yesterday morning, I ate 4 ground HBWR seeds. My stomach had a burning sensation for 8+ hours. I felt I couldn't sit up for very long and didn't consider throwing up during the middle of the trip. I chose to just lie there and fell asleep for maybe an hour. Once it started brightening outside I was starting to feel a bit unnerved. No visuals were present, just horrifying reality setting in. What was frightening about this was I thought I would feel this way for the rest of my life. My feelings toward my life weren't irrational. It's actually a matter of accepting my whole nutty family, which at the moment was much too difficult. So I covered my head with the sleeping bag and hoped this madness would leave me. I believe the whole madness of the trip was derived from the feeling that "Life isn't worth living". This is far from usual and not true. Whether or not my burdens are far worse than the average man does not matter. I believe I've taught myself well (or maybe my supposed autism allows me to adapt and accept reality well?) and people see me as very optimistic.
8:00AM - The ample chirping of cardinals was maddening to my situation. I was frightened to see the light in my tent and in my surroundings. I summoned some courage and eventually crawled toward the tent entrance.I decided to call my dad and ask for a bottle of water while holding myself on all fours. I told him I felt sick, and it did get a bit cold last night, especially when I noticed the vasoconstricting effects kicking in. He mentioned my drinking of orange juice and the high acidity possibly making me feel uneasy. I got up and out, walked several yards towards the forest and forced a good barf. I get dehydrated easily without knowing and have trouble vomiting unless I have water to add to whatever comes out. Immediately I felt better, but this was short-lived. After 20 minutes I had to lie back down and deal with the reoccurring madness that is my reality. Soon after I lied down, I heard my dads truck take off. To where? I didn't know.
Soon I heard another truck pull up nearby and got out to try my best in integrating such a harsh experience. I sat by the tent on a picnic table and was trying to sort my thoughts into a more rational thinking. The thought of "my dad left me, and I and these two poor dogs are now orphaned" had crept in my mind. It didn't help when the truck that pulled up nearby had some creepers who were eying my campsite. They pretended to look up into the trees nearby and I felt they were spying to check out the scene at my campsite. I wasn't in plain site; I somewhat hidden behind the tent and hunched over, contemplating this 'mental disaster'. I didn't want them to see me so after a few minutes I hopped in the tent, and kept a birch wood beating stick nearby. My dad left this with me the night before in case I had to use it on anything. But in this case I could have used it on 'anyone'. I was NOT in the mood to deal with thieves and was prepared to ragingly lash out at these intruders if needed. Yes, like a mad man. I've always resented when people steal things from my parents or things my parents had given to me. It made me sick to the core. It proved to me that not even my parents are in control.
I attempted to contact my dad through text. "Where you go?" I awaited his text as to where he was and the need to throw up again was urgent in my mind. Finally he had returned his text along with himself in the truck and I was relieved to see this. I retrieved another bottle of water to allow myself more vomiting in hopes of 'returning to normal'. By now the rough characters who were eying our site had gone. I put myself up to more head throbbing vomiting and finally had felt free of any nausea. The relief was not only bodily, but in my mind also. For getting only one hour sleep I had ample energy. He wanted to scout for lost golf balls since we were 10 minutes walking time from a golf course. We did this then left.
I was appreciative of this newly found mental clarity and sight of truth. But still I can feel the fright lingering in the back of my mind. I know it's there but it's not triggered at the moment. When I left my dads house and returned to my home I had picked up on the fear again. The particular fear that my life wasn't worth the trouble was present in mind but not so prominent.
After being home for a while and scoping out my issue with a good dose of optimism, I decided to take a shower. I wanted to fuel my cleansing thoughts with good music so I checked what was in my iPhone player. Banco De Gaia - Touching the Void; an amazing song (my favorite in fact), but too difficult to listen to on my 15g Mimosa trip. I began to play it even though it usually brings up fear of the unknown, or maybe I just can't handle it when tripping. The sound was strangely soothing, and was complimented by the texts from a close friend who I recently let in on my fondness of psychedelics. I told him a bit about the trip but didn't mention that my hellish experience. The shower felt good; I had gone a bit through the song and by now I was feeling hope become stronger and stronger. Hope had manifested itself to where all I could sense were feelings of joy. I affirmed to myself dozens of times, "Life is worth living!", to the beat of the song. To my surprise this hopefulness lasted throughout the night. When I woke up this morning I played the song again and meditated to it; with all the optimism I had I affirmed to myself that things were okay. Life was worth living. I enjoy just being alive. Only once today did I have the darkness creep in my mind and the same frightening thoughts attempt to return. Once I found something to do, other than search "Shrooms and Autism" online, I felt better again.
While beginning to write this I felt discouraged, like there was no hope for me in psychedelics other than the healings of Ayahuasca. However, I stuck it out and finished this. I believe ego death for me is possible; It's just I'm going to have hell reaching it. I'm looking for of integrating such an experience like this, in case things get rough again. I don't blame Hawaiian Baby Wood Rose seeds for the bad trip. Perhaps this is how one learns from even a haunting experience. Or perhaps I shouldn't 'go there' again till I am well, or at all. I'd like to hear from someone who's had a similar experience of hopelessness that persisted after becoming sober. I'm also looking for ways to integrate. Things I should read? "Remember, Be Here Now" seems promising. Would it help? Any suggestions, stories of your own, and anything else of that nature would be appreciated.
The good thing is I'm feeling better and better as I get re-accustomed to my life. If you've bothered to read this far, thank you so much :d I will return to check in in a few hours but for now I have to head to town.
Where is the mimosa from, are you sure its good quality? Was it powdered?
For those of you who black out or don't get anything out of the rapid experience...keep trying. I feel like awareness is an exercise just like lifting weights. The more you observe in that state, the more you can observe, and remember, and bring back......to never forget.......
