Evolving past friend's "level"

[RhythmSpring]

As I continue to evolve, heal, etc. I find that I am becoming less compatible with friends who have been with me during the time of my life in which I was not as well. Their mental habits of doubt and self-limitation become, at best, places where we just don't connect, and worst, painful criticism and doubt I take personally.

I don't want to seem inflated or prideful. I love my friends and I know that they all have something uniquely powerful and beautiful inside them that I am attracted to. But more and more I am finding that it takes energy out of me to tolerate irresponsible use of energy on their part.

To be more specific, I have a good (perhaps best, at the moment) friend who is quite doubtful about what I'm doing in terms of using Ayahuasca to be a catalyst for change in my life. He's like, "Why don't you just change?" or "What would happen if you stopped all substances altogether? Maybe you'd make progress that way." I want to slap him, but I also want to keep our friendship.

The tension is growing. My initial reflex is to be less personally vulnerable with him so do not take his blows with so much pain. But am I sacrificing my own faith?

Has anyone else here experienced something similar?

 

[DMTbenderDMT]

over the years i have learned everything comes in waves, including your friends/emotional supports. it is often painful and awkward, but if there is someone in your life you have to be honest and upfront about your feelings with them. maybe going your separate ways will allow both of you to grow and change.

then when the time is right, things come back together in a beautiful wave, i have witnessed it many times

 

[concombres]

over the years i have learned everything comes in waves, including your friends/emotional supports. it is often painful and awkward, but if there is someone in your life you have to be honest and upfront about your feelings with them. maybe going your separate ways will allow both of you to grow and change.

then when the time is right, things come back together in a beautiful wave, i have witnessed it many times

Thats great advice bender:grin:
Ime the true friends become more or less family.
When the parties over & everyone goes their own way you find who they are because they'll always show back up or call, just like a brother or sister that's moved away & started their own life.

 

[jamie]

"You've got to know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away. And know when to run"
-Kenny Rogers

 

[concombres]

"You've got to know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away. And know when to run"
-Kenny Rogers

We need a like button like facebook :lol:
That was perfect.

 

[RhythmSpring]

Thanks for the replies/sound advice. Seems like I should let things go a little and communicate.

The problem is, though, I live in a pretty isolated world, and he's pretty much the only friend I see on a semi-regular basis. So letting our relationship go for the moment leaves me feeling very out-of-touch with the rest of society.

I don't want to alienate *everyone* in my life as I go through this process...

Perhaps I should meditate on self-trust/confidence..

 

[concombres]

Thanks for the replies/sound advice. Seems like I should let things go a little and communicate.

The problem is, though, I live in a pretty isolated world, and he's pretty much the only friend I see on a semi-regular basis. So letting our relationship go for the moment leaves me feeling very out-of-touch with the rest of society.

I don't want to alienate *everyone* in my life as I go through this process...

Perhaps I should meditate on self-trust/confidence..

I understand the feeling. I've always been introverted & have only the closest friends left. In a way it's helped keep only the real friends around i guess. That & my younger siblings growing up with the same friends.

You may be able to talk to your friend & be honest. Make it clear that he's upset you & your path has been chosen & set, but you'd also not like to insult or push away your last friend.

I've had a problem similar with my closest childhood friend & he seemed to respect the honesty & our differences & been more respectful of the use of plant medicines.

 

[RhythmSpring]

Well, I talked to my friend over the phone (whom I hadn't seen in about 2 months) and told him basically exactly how I felt. He was understanding, or as understanding as he could be. He said he was consciously holding back trying to apply his worldview/way of going about things to my situation, and I said, "good, because you know I'd reject it anyway."

He doesn't seem to be very confident that we'll meet up in the future, but I made it clear that I'm leaving it open. I told him that I would be open to seeing him again if

a) I became more rooted in myself, and/or
b) He became more rooted in himself

It definitely felt awkward, and I feel a little guilty, but I think it was the right decision. Mind you, I didn't once make any resolutions or judgments, I just told him how I felt and what I think I needed right now. I said that maybe our separation would be a catalyst for change on both our parts.

DMTbenderDMT, thank you especially for your words--they especially resonated with me, and they were the final encouragement for me to make this call. Waves.

I really hope I didn't make a mistake. I am trying to resist voices in my head that say, "That was selfish--you cut yourself off from a friend, when you could have put your love into the friendship to transform it."

But I really didn't see that as a possibility. He's gotta learn on his own.

 

[Psybin]

I just went through this exact situation and wish I'd done what you just did. Rather, I moved to a new city and left on bad terms. Glad to hear things worked out for you, and trust me, it was the right decision. You'll feel better not having the constant negative vibrations caused by the situation pervading your thoughts.

 

[3rdI]

morning RhythmSpring

To be more specific, I have a good (perhaps best, at the moment) friend who is quite doubtful about what I'm doing in terms of using Ayahuasca to be a catalyst for change in my life. He's like, "Why don't you just change?" or "What would happen if you stopped all substances altogether? Maybe you'd make progress that way." I want to slap him, but I also want to keep our friendship.

i have a friend who likes very swift relations with the ladies, long term is not in his vocab. He likes it and says it makes him happy, he says it makes his life better. I disagree. I tell him that if he just put in some effort to find a girl he really likes it would make his life better, "come on mate, give up this one night stand nonsense and you may progress in life beyond meaningless rendezvous with strangers" he looks at me like ive kicked his cat.

But we are still friends, we just disagree on certain points, but isnt that what friends are for? calling you out, keeping you safe and making you see things differently? i would hate it if my friends just agreed with everything i do or think.

cant you just agree to disagree? it would be a shame to lose a friend. Cant you stick around and show him how you are changing and how nobody else around him is changing at the same speed as you. Maybe if he sees the change and doesnt see any harm he will see you are not doing anything wrong/dangerous

The tension is growing. My initial reflex is to be less personally vulnerable with him so do not take his blows with so much pain. But am I sacrificing my own faith?

obviously i dont know what your relationship is like but to me it seems odd to lose a best mate just because you disagree on a point. In my life my friends are only trying to look out for my best interest, thats why i call them friends, no matter what they say to me i know its not malicious so to take it to heart as an attack is just silly.

i would use this as an opertunity to really think through and vocalise what you are doing in your practice and then debate with him and ask him to justify his anti aya stance.
Does he really understand the risk and the benefits or is he on a "drugs are bad, mmmmmkay" vibe? if so you may be able to help him see how he is wrong, i love it when i can change a friends incorrect point of view, and when they change mine.

I have specifically asked a couple of my friends to keep an eye on me and call me out on my psychedelic use if they think its less than positive, they have done this a few times, i have then explained whats going on, positive and negative, and we have all gone away happy.

I really hope I didn't make a mistake. I am trying to resist voices in my head that say, "That was selfish--you cut yourself off from a friend, when you could have put your love into the friendship to transform it."

you know Aya is meant to change you for the better, to make you nicer to the world and its monkey fruits, well it sounds to me like that voice in your head is Aya tinged.

He's gotta learn on his own.

why? maybe you can help him like Aya is helping you, maybe you could try to craftily transplant some of the teachings, if i was ascending to a higher level and my friends were not i would try my best to drag them with me, everytime i see my friends i demand they meditate as i know it would be good for them, they never listen, but i will never stop, thats what friends are for.

dont phone him, go see him and talk face to face, nobody wants to be the weak link, if the chains gonna break dont allow it to be your link.

of course all that is irrelevant if it turns out your friend is an idiot and you are only now seeing it due to your self improvement, in that case....

[YOUTUBE]

 

[RhythmSpring]

But we are still friends, we just disagree on certain points, but isnt that what friends are for? calling you out, keeping you safe and making you see things differently? i would hate it if my friends just agreed with everything i do or think.

It's much more than the disagreement on that one thing. It's a general vibe of doubt and criticism that he carries, toward himself and other people. It doesn't matter what the subject is. Lately there have been so many circumstances, like in social settings, for example, where I have been the one to be forthright, outgoing, and open, and he's just full of self-limiting thoughts, and at least 75% of our conversation is me reassuring him that those thoughts aren't real. And it begins to have a burdening effect on me. I recognize all these thoughts from my past, and the more I hear them (or feel them) from him, the more I feel myself slipping into past mental habits. It's like trying to get off heroin whilst hanging around your old junkie friends.

Believe me, I'm cool with hanging out with people who see the world differently than I do--I prefer it. But I gotta feel comfortable and not safe around them, too.

 

[RhythmSpring]

I have a chance to respond to more of your (3rdI) post.

To clarify, he's not on a "drugs are bad mmkay" kick, and he actually respects them (mainly mushrooms) for their spiritual value. Also, he's not an idiot (no offense taken) ; in fact he's very very sharp. It's just that he's held back by these doubts and criticisms that, whever he shares them with me, are just plain silly or wrong. I have tried subtly infusing in him the open-heartedness/mindedness that I get from my work with psychedelics, but it hasn't worked a bit. Or maybe I haven't found the best way to do it. But, even if I could do it, I don't want him depending on me for that extra motivation/juice. I want him to find it in himself (for both our sakes).

I always enjoy it when people are frank with me about their opinions, and I love conversing. It used to be, "I love debating," but, since working with Ayahuasca, I have begun to shed the adversarial nature of debating, which he holds onto like it's a sport (as I suspect you do, too, 3rdI). I do too, in a way, but I recognize that attached to that sportiness is an ambition to prove onself which is ultimately counterproductive in finding the truth mutually.

Yikes, runon sentences.

Also, to be clear, I have not dropped him as a friend. I basically told him that I wanted to have experiences with people more like who I want to be, than with people like who I was, BEFORE getting back to him. I predict that, once I my less-doubty self is more rootly firmèd, I will be able to relate to him without having to worry about my own essence being dragged back to old ways.

 

[3rdI]

. I always enjoy it when people are frank with me about their opinions, and I love conversing. It used to be, "I love debating," but, since working with Ayahuasca, I have begun to shed the adversarial nature of debating which he holds onto like it's a sport (as I suspect you do, too, 3rdI). I do too, in a way, but I recognize that attached to that sportiness is an ambition to prove onself which is ultimately counterproductive in finding the truth mutually.

its funny, i used to be a full on hot head debater, i thought i knew everything, i was always right. Then the Magic showed me the error of my ways, it told me that i know nothing. I now love being wrong as i can learn new things.

. Also, to be clear, I have not dropped him as a friend. I basically told him that I wanted to have experiences with people more like who I want to be, than with people like who I was, BEFORE getting back to him. I predict that, once I my less-doubty self is more rootly firmèd, I will be able to relate to him without having to worry about my own essence being dragged back to old ways.

fair play, i can certainly identify with this.