Hi everyone
I've been dealing with depression for as long as I can remember. Obviously when I was a child I wasn't always depressed but it was still mildly present in some periods of the year. Anyway lately I finally found out the root of my depression which is me being autistic with all the things that come with it (feeling like I don't belong anywhere, fear of change, fear of losing safe people and safe places, ...).
In the past I used drugs to self-medicate and luckily in that journey I found psychedelics including DMT which helped me to know myself more and showed me another me and another life are possible, but I have always struggled to experience that in everyday life.
Yesterday evening (it's morning now where I live), I was walking through a park in my home village. It's a small park, don't picture the big city parks with a lot of people, and there's a river flowing through it. I was walking to the side of the river looking at the trees and I had what I can describe only as a "flashback" of a DMT experience. Of my second-to-last experience in particular.
In December 2018 I had to stop smoking DMT and soon after to stop taking drugs in general because I was smoking way to much and reality started to feel very fragile, like a thin veil.
Anyway in December 2018 I smoked DMT + weed in that park, it was a sub-breakthrough experience in which my surroundings pretty much stayed the same but at the same time were completely different, alien but in a familiar way, and basically the whole park turned into an utopian futuristic city, not made of buildings but of trees and the like.
Well yesterday I had the same experience while sober and it was amazing, I felt that the whole world was changing in that moment and I was changing too.
It was a brief experience but I felt a kind of afterglow where at first I freaked out because I was sober and I'm not supposed to have that kind of experience while sober, and then I felt deeply moved. I remember thinking "I won't add any more suffering to myself and the world, not even another drop".
During the rest of the evening/night I kept feeling like that and when I saw the half moon in the sky (which now I know it's called "quarter moon") I thought that when it would have been exactly half the world would have changed for the better. I know it sounds self-centered since it was only my experience after all, but it was so strong that I thought everyone would feel it.
Then I came back to that park before going to bed and I meditated on change and my fear of change and I had a sudden realization which I wrote down as "the more you try to hold things, the more they slip away from you". I felt at peace with change knowing that if I don't hold onto things and memories I can always feel them in the present moment.
Then I went to sleep.
This morning I woke up feeling awful and I don't know why and what to do anymore. I feel kinda hopeless right now and I'm asking for advice.
I've been dealing with depression for as long as I can remember. Obviously when I was a child I wasn't always depressed but it was still mildly present in some periods of the year. Anyway lately I finally found out the root of my depression which is me being autistic with all the things that come with it (feeling like I don't belong anywhere, fear of change, fear of losing safe people and safe places, ...).
In the past I used drugs to self-medicate and luckily in that journey I found psychedelics including DMT which helped me to know myself more and showed me another me and another life are possible, but I have always struggled to experience that in everyday life.
Yesterday evening (it's morning now where I live), I was walking through a park in my home village. It's a small park, don't picture the big city parks with a lot of people, and there's a river flowing through it. I was walking to the side of the river looking at the trees and I had what I can describe only as a "flashback" of a DMT experience. Of my second-to-last experience in particular.
In December 2018 I had to stop smoking DMT and soon after to stop taking drugs in general because I was smoking way to much and reality started to feel very fragile, like a thin veil.
Anyway in December 2018 I smoked DMT + weed in that park, it was a sub-breakthrough experience in which my surroundings pretty much stayed the same but at the same time were completely different, alien but in a familiar way, and basically the whole park turned into an utopian futuristic city, not made of buildings but of trees and the like.
Well yesterday I had the same experience while sober and it was amazing, I felt that the whole world was changing in that moment and I was changing too.
It was a brief experience but I felt a kind of afterglow where at first I freaked out because I was sober and I'm not supposed to have that kind of experience while sober, and then I felt deeply moved. I remember thinking "I won't add any more suffering to myself and the world, not even another drop".
During the rest of the evening/night I kept feeling like that and when I saw the half moon in the sky (which now I know it's called "quarter moon") I thought that when it would have been exactly half the world would have changed for the better. I know it sounds self-centered since it was only my experience after all, but it was so strong that I thought everyone would feel it.
Then I came back to that park before going to bed and I meditated on change and my fear of change and I had a sudden realization which I wrote down as "the more you try to hold things, the more they slip away from you". I felt at peace with change knowing that if I don't hold onto things and memories I can always feel them in the present moment.
Then I went to sleep.
This morning I woke up feeling awful and I don't know why and what to do anymore. I feel kinda hopeless right now and I'm asking for advice.
the outside makes, also, the difference
