Exploring PTSD and Potential ADHD

[Voidmatrix]

I'd like to explore PTSD and potential ADHD. Part of me being more compassionate with myself (instead of thinking I'm simply undisciplined, lazy, etc).

I have a diagnosis of PTSD (that may be CPTSD). I was in denial about it for years, thinking that I hadn't been through anything "that bad." That's not very compassionate. I'm flipping the script on that presently. I'm concerned with this as my social experiences seem to be diminishing and/or not going well. One thing in particular is this experience of spectating myself getting hot and bothered in conversation over things that are relatively harmless. I manage this well, but the internal experience and thoughts therein are not what I'd like them to be. I had assumed that this was just because I'm deeply philosophic and passionate about it and so am very particular, but it seems to be more than that, or being a highly sensitive person. There are other things as well, but I'm focusing on this at the moment.

I do not have a diagnosis of ADHD. I would still like to explore it as I feel I may have it. I do plan on seeing a therapist once I have insurance and the funds to do so again. However, there are certain things that seem to be getting worse with age, such as centered focus (without any other external stimuli), easily bored, drained, generally scatter-brained, and "unproductive" and "inconsistent." It got worse when I dropped certain habits like journaling and reading everyday. I still meditate daily. Granted, I've been overwhelmed for a while, don't sleep the best, and do experience depression as well.

This is me just taking some kind of step forward. While this is all on my mind right now, I'm actually doing pretty well today.

One love

 

[Kobranek]

Sorry to hear of your struggles with anxiety and irritability. They definitely are indicators for me to take a step back and not charge too hard forward cause I do have a propensity to overachieve to counteract it and numb myself with overexertion.

The thing with C-PTSD is that is so subtle and insidious that it is stigmatized as being pale in comparison to regular PTSD because of not having to go through something as dramatic as war or a similar type of experience. I don't know being abandoned emotionally, physically, or a combination of both when young and vulnerable to your environment is pretty dramatic which accounts for a large portion of single families. Not having either one of your parents in your life to lead a healthy and happy life is traumatizing and is a common theme in society. Me being a man who was raised by a workaholic mom with an absent father has yearned for that experience my whole life- it does something to a person and not in a good way. Started working through Pete Walkers, From surviving to thriving. I ran into some serious blocks that I still haven't been brave enough to approach. Another hallmark was sabotaging my relationships that I've since been able to change. I've sabotaged past relationships and looking back once I've lost my connection to someone from feeling abandoned I say hell with them.

DMT is such a powerful tool to my journey that I dare to say that I may not be here today without that first break through. I had no clue what DMT was about until that first hit and I was like WTF why have I been lying to myself all this time. It was so jarring, amazing, world shattering that I had to let my wife know cause I wanted to share my experience if only to talk about it. She wasn't about it and still isn't. She was like, "Your never going to be the same." I was that's right because I never want to go back to living like the sick man I was before. I've learned this is a very personal and intimate journey of self exploration that very few can relate to. I like to think of myself as deeply spiritual person even before DMT came into the scene. But like any spiritual quest it is deeply personal and only privy to those who can understand with the utmost reverence and respect. What goes unsaid has the deepest meaning. My goal is to use psychedelics as a tool to create new healthy connections, pathways, synapses that replace my past ways that don't serve me well and radiate that to all those in my life.

 

[Voidmatrix]

Thank you for your reply, @Kobranek

My anxiety and irritability are barely shavings off of an iceberg.

A Resource: Detailed Account of Depression

Preface: This is going to be pretty long... and not a ray of sunshine... There are a few purposes to this very long post. First, to help those who do not experience clinical depression to understand somewhat what the experience can be like in order to spread awareness, and so that those who do...

forum.dmt-nexus.me

I share my experience with depression (PTSD/CPTSD now that we have this thread going).

On: A Dark Side of Enlightenment and Transcendence; Ego Fears.

Note: I initially wasn't going to post this as I feel it may be too similar to Vulnerability in Sharing an Inner Personal Conundrum. However, I did share it with a dear friend yesterday who encouraged me otherwise. Early on (in my teenage years), I have had my mind on ideals of Enlightenment...

forum.dmt-nexus.me

Vulnerability in Sharing a Personal Inner Conundrum - Help and Advice for Healing - Welcome to the DMT-Nexus

The next two I share only because they highlight my distorted sense of self, which is a hallmark for CPTSD if I'm not mistaken.

I was on edge growing up from about the age of 3 until my dad kicked me out when I was 18 (and then estranged me from my mother and sister for 8 years). The age of three was when I remember first starting to fear my father and this was due to experiencing his frustration with me when he was teaching me how to read. Fear is a great motivator, and was my motivation for a lot of things growing up, from staying out of trouble to good manners (of which I had to learn the actual value of both on my own after I was out of the house). The first time I feared for my life was when I was 10, catching a full body beating on my backside for a half day suspension. Technically, I caught a beating with the belt twice, in the same day, for the same infraction. That same year I was also grounded for 9 months, which meant doing his job around the apartment complex that he was a manager for, and 0 priviledges for that entire time. If I had any free time, I could draw or read, that was it. Aside from the physical abuse, which he was methodical about, he was also psychologically and emotionally abusive, which he was equally methodical about. There's a plethora of things from having to write the sentence "I will practice not talking" a few thousand times (starting at age 6; I also had to put notes to myself around the house), to him opening all of my acceptance letters for college. I also learned early on to never show my anger. He could be mad at you (and hold on to it as long as he wanted), but all be damned if you're ever mad at him (that's actually what precipitated him kicking me out).

There's a reason barely anyone wants anything to do with him.

that it is stigmatized as being pale in comparison to regular PTSD

This is something that I hadn't noticed. Everything that I've come across stipulates the opposite, in that it is a long-term for of experiential trauma, so people that go through years of abuse, prisoners of war, slaves, of various kinds, etc. However, regardless, such a stigma must be proliferated by those who are generally unaware of such matters. I could certainly see how abandonment could elicit CPTSD in some individuals.

I too thank DMT for my being here today, because while I "go through it" I feel much better off than if I were to try and handle to much of this without DMT as an ally and companion. I brought up PTSD relative to DMT because of how much hardship I feel I've gone through with DMT in the past several years. While I have posted my fair share of trip reports and such, there is a lot of difficulty in approaching the space, so much so that I've had to consider other factors. When one has something like CPTSD they are then predisposed to new trauma responses more easily if the CPTSD and/or PTSD are not being addressed. So it was just something that I had to consider.

I think your approach, method and intent to rebuild connections is very beautiful and a wonderful use of this magic we are so lucky to have found. Another hallmark for CPTSD is difficulty with relationships, which I deal with too. I feel so bad, but for various reasons, despite people wanting to be around me and interact with me, I often just want to be left alone. A lot of love that is so hard to let in...

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

@Kobranek check out the video I shared in post 17. Start around rhe 15 minute mark.

One love

 

[Kobranek]

Thank you for referring me to those two threads I can resonate with them so much that I feel that I could've written them myself eventhough I've never been diagnosed with depression.

The human experience is so deep and complex that we're meant to feel the whole range of emotions especially the uncomfortable and dark feelings when working with the shadow. Falls in line with not being able to see the light without the dark. Ying yang. It's difficult work and not everyone is geared for it. Tapping into developing self love instead of self destructive ways. Self destructive ways are rooted in fear while self love transcends fear. Becoming comfortable with being vulnerable and seeing it as a strength and not a weakness. Seeing past toxicity in whatever form through compassion and empathy. I personally despise toxic positivity because of the need to shut uncomfortable feelings out which usually manifests in other ways. Surrounding myself with good company is hard to come by these days since everyone is stressed out and hard to be present. I am affected by their vibes but try and use the ones who really trigger me as an opportunity to learn more about myself. Why does that particular person really get to me.

When things start to feel off I evaluate whether I'm really taking good care of myself through the big three: diet, sleep, and exercise in that order. My body and mind can only function sustainably with starting off with a good breakfast. My power breakfast of choice is 2 hard boiled eggs, a pack of plain oatmeal, a yogurt, and snacking on fruit in the morning. Then progressing to a hearty lunch and dinner. I gauge when I start to get hungry and will snack as needed in between meals. Trying to get a good 6-8 hours of sleep each night and napping as needed to not throw off my sleep cycle. Then getting a good pump in mostly through cardio. I love to run. It hadn't always been that way I had to start off small but can now eat 5ks for breakfast 4-5x/ wk at the most or 2-3×/wk at the least. Dabbled in trail running as that is a huge endorphin release that challenges and callouses the mind. Didn't help I got David Goggins in my head with his can't hurt me book. I do think Goggins is a sufferer as well based on his internal struggles that he shares. Interesting how my mental health suffers when I'm not keeping to my running routine, I do notice a difference. Now that I'm explaining this I feel exercise may be at the top of the list since my sleep quality and appetite are not what they are when getting a good sweat session in.

My hobbies have really kept me grounded and give me peace of mind by giving me a medium to focus my over active mind and a means to retreat into something that helps me feel better. Fishing, mountain biking, target shooting, golf, off roading, hiking, working on my truck, smoalking moar dmt....

My job has given me a purpose to strive for something bigger than myself as a public servant eventhough I have run myself into the ground from striving to over achieve in a competitive world made up of A type personalities that really trigger me. Being a thorn in coworkers butts does fancy my tickle though.

I really feel for you having to go through an abusive father, Void. It makes me feel like I may have dodged a bullet with that experience. I just leaned about eight years ago that the man who I thought was my biological father who passed away from alcoholism was not really my father. One day I go to work and open an email that my long lost brother tracked me down to let me know that I have a completely different dad that we share that my mom lied to me my whole life and would've held onto that lie to this day if not for my brother reaching out to reconnect. It turns out my brother is a recovering alcoholic who remembered me as a baby and was not at peace with me not knowing of him. Once we reconnect I made contact with my biological father who from the very beginning was a piece of work who wants nothing to do with me today after calling him out for wanting to reconnect with my mom and acted like I owe him something. Since then my brother has been distant and has shown little interest especially with me opening up about my love for plant medicine. Oh yeah I have another brother who wants nothing to do with me since my mom was the mistress to their parents splitting up.

I checked out the video and enjoyed the content and can resonate with it. Lucky to be part of the 1/3 of the 1.5%.

I'm beginning to think of all this madness as a gift as a means to make peace and not have such a stronghold on my well being.

 

[Voidmatrix]

Thank you @Kobranek for your thoughtful reply.

Self destructive ways are rooted in fear while self love transcends fear.

I think this is true in many ways for myself personally. I was conditioned through fear and as a result apply some of the same frameworks on myself that perpetuate it. I think that another root of being self-destructive may also be conditioning, and yet another is just being geared towards self-destructive things. I don't necessarily think that someone who rides their motorcycle extremely fast, or that does something really dangerous like base-jumping or free diving are necessarily self-destructive. Some of these people find a thrill in the rush, and for some, the rush comes from risking their life. It's kind of like they move into their fear of the dangerous thing and they end up moving towards something self-destructive out of self-love and passion.

Becoming comfortable with being vulnerable and seeing it as a strength and not a weakness.

I sometimes wonder if I've lost some strength with this. I may just be in a new point in my process that entails me keeping more to myself as I've figured out a lot and am aware of some of the work I need to do.

Seeing past toxicity in whatever form through compassion and empathy. I personally despise toxic positivity because of the need to shut uncomfortable feelings out which usually manifests in other ways. Surrounding myself with good company is hard to come by these days since everyone is stressed out and hard to be present. I am affected by their vibes but try and use the ones who really trigger me as an opportunity to learn more about myself. Why does that particular person really get to me.

Have you heard of the book Spiritual Bypassing? It brings up themes related to your statement. People will feign positivity in order to avoid or bypass negative emotions which, regardless of the scope of emotions one is able to feel, need to be processed for us to live as whole connected beings. This actually also applies to what the author calls blind compassion. Sometimes one needs to put their foot down. I've found it hard to connect as well. Aside from, yet connected to, what I've stated in this thread about what I deal with, I'm a deep thinker almost all the time, and I feel bad, but I'm also easily bored (as mentioned), and tend to get bored in a lot of discourse.

When things start to feel off I evaluate whether I'm really taking good care of myself through the big three: diet, sleep, and exercise in that order. My body and mind can only function sustainably with starting off with a good breakfast. My power breakfast of choice is 2 hard boiled eggs, a pack of plain oatmeal, a yogurt, and snacking on fruit in the morning. Then progressing to a hearty lunch and dinner. I gauge when I start to get hungry and will snack as needed in between meals. Trying to get a good 6-8 hours of sleep each night and napping as needed to not throw off my sleep cycle. Then getting a good pump in mostly through cardio. I love to run. It hadn't always been that way I had to start off small but can now eat 5ks for breakfast 4-5x/ wk at the most or 2-3×/wk at the least. Dabbled in trail running as that is a huge endorphin release that challenges and callouses the mind. Didn't help I got David Goggins in my head with his can't hurt me book. I do think Goggins is a sufferer as well based on his internal struggles that he shares. Interesting how my mental health suffers when I'm not keeping to my running routine, I do notice a difference. Now that I'm explaining this I feel exercise may be at the top of the list since my sleep quality and appetite are not what they are when getting a good sweat session in.

I also cover a lot of these bases. I workout almost everyday (at the very least I squat everyday). Mainly calisthenics and powerlifting. There's nothing like lifting heavy as one of the first things in the morning to help get my mind right. I typically eat 2 eggs with a banana and spinach smoothie. I'm a staple eater so eat a balanced diet through eating the same things over and over, which seems to do my well for my health and my bank account.

Also think that Goggins is either running from something or processing something (though he could also fit into the latter type of self-desctructive that I described above).

Sleep is where things fall apart for me. I've had sleep problems consistently even as a child and I need to make the time for a sleep study. I think this is one of the main reasons I struggle so deeply. I try to get a solid 7 hours, but rarely do, often waking up in the middle of the night, sometimes sweating profusely. I actually have anxiety about going to sleep because I tend to have many uncomfortable dreams and always wake up very depressed. It's a tough way to start the day. One thing that helps, and that I should allow more, is a little bit of changa or DMT in the morning, often before getting out of bed.

My hobbies have really kept me grounded and give me peace of mind by giving me a medium to focus my over active mind and a means to retreat into something that helps me feel better. Fishing, mountain biking, target shooting, golf, off roading, hiking, working on my truck, smoalking moar dmt....

My job has given me a purpose to strive for something bigger than myself as a public servant eventhough I have run myself into the ground from striving to over achieve in a competitive world made up of A type personalities that really trigger me. Being a thorn in coworkers butts does fancy my tickle though.

I've been too rigid, a mental health struggle, to give myself to my hobbies. I'm working on it though.

When I get to guide full time I will feel similarly about my work. I've run myself to the ground as well, and have been dealing with a lot of burnout for about a year or two. And unfortunately won't get any sort of reprieve for a while. I don't currently see the light at the end of the tunnel, but am moving through all the same.

I really feel for you having to go through an abusive father, Void. It makes me feel like I may have dodged a bullet with that experience. I just leaned about eight years ago that the man who I thought was my biological father who passed away from alcoholism was not really my father. One day I go to work and open an email that my long lost brother tracked me down to let me know that I have a completely different dad that we share that my mom lied to me my whole life and would've held onto that lie to this day if not for my brother reaching out to reconnect. It turns out my brother is a recovering alcoholic who remembered me as a baby and was not at peace with me not knowing of him. Once we reconnect I made contact with my biological father who from the very beginning was a piece of work who wants nothing to do with me today after calling him out for wanting to reconnect with my mom and acted like I owe him something. Since then my brother has been distant and has shown little interest especially with me opening up about my love for plant medicine. Oh yeah I have another brother who wants nothing to do with me since my mom was the mistress to their parents splitting up.

Whoa! That's intense! I can only imagine what that is like to experience. It also reminds me of a story my tattoo artist recently told me about his absent father. He now has siblings he didn't even know about, some of which want nothing to do with him because of minutia of the overall situation.

In my experience, it really programs one in a screwed up way. I've said so many times before "the first things one learns are usually the last things that one questions," and this includes things that we don't even notice in our own thinking and subconscious because they are so native to our psychological and cognitive systems. My dad, while having his own trauma (that wasn't addressed), he really did a lot of damage to my mom and sister as well. He's kind of a nightmare. And now, at this point in my life, I am high roading him as he tries to re-establish a relationship with me. I'm doing this out of compassion, though I am still dealing with damage that has only seemed to increase in surfacing as I move through my mid-thirties.

However, while I struggle regularly, and feel damaged, and not where I feel like I'd like to be in life, I'm not sure I'd change anything, because otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation. My trials and how I've risen over them and in spite of them have developed my character to be something that many appreciate and with that is helping me to learn to appreciate myself.

It's a double-edge in being a gift and a curse imo.

Sending love.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

Dealing with the wavering of mood and big waves of emotion is exhausting.

I did a guided ketamine journey last week. One of the main messages was to slow down. I don't feel like I do much, but I just don't recognize how much I do.

Changa gave me the message today to smoalk moar. It's therapeutic. The deeper the better. And I know full well what I'm doing and that I can do it often without harm. So now to drop this rock that makes me wonder otherwise and is an overall hindrance. Though this hindrance is symbolic of the work I need to do with myself. Connecting to self... But the damn thing seems stuck to my hands... and it's heavy.

I share this here, because I was dealing with some heavy symptoms today. So I smoalked some and felt better. And it's not just managing symptoms, it does something to the core issues each and every time. I am also obsessed (in a good way) with DMT and harmalas, so why not, right? I'm really trying to convince myself, as per usual.

One love

 

[Kobranek]

Thank you for the spiritual bypassing referral, Void. I've since picked up a copy and started diving into it and have read the first three chapters so far and it's a great read and can appreciate the message.

This past week has been especially hard for me as I started to hit a snag with my migraines hitting me like a ton of bricks. This is the first time that I've had three in one week with the past two days having them back to back. Up to this point I was regularly taking a good mushroom or lsd journey every six months to help stave the headaches with really good success almost going a year, or better yet to the point I almost forgot the last one I had. Never had I ever gotten to this point in my life....with as frequently as wanting to end my life at times.

I am overdue for a good journey but have refrained due to my compulsive nature to have everything perfect before descending which can't be possible and further pushes me into the void. My ego fights it the longer I take the plunge as if it gets a stronghold like it knows what is better for me. I have to remind it that it's not as big and bad as it makes it out to be and you'll thank me later very much. 200 micrograms are on the horizon this weekend to help me get a grip on this issue.

I know what is bothering me right now and it is the thought of losing my wife hurts after learning that she's wrecking her liver and struggling to see through her self destructive ways.

I've gone through the Alanon journey with her when our step son was trying to kill himself at one point with his addiction so this is ironic that once we decided to go back to trying to drink responsibly after over 4 years abstaining that she's taken it too far. There's a point it is no longer fun and that ship has sailed!

 

[Kobranek]

So I decided to forgo the 200 mics and felt called to 75 mgs of psilocybin which is always enough for me to do some deep work. Time and time again I am reminded that this place is always there whenever I am ready, there's no rush, no reason to push away, no reason to judge, but more importantly, no reason to be so hard on myself like I do when I get to this point. I am my own worst citric that only fuels the self defeating lies that I keep convincing myself.

It has been way too long since I've taken psilocybin and visited the space that brings me back to a peace that is only made by going through the stuff that is brought out by my beloved mushrooms. It's not what I want but what I need to be shown. Interesting how the longer I wait in between journeys the harder it is to commit, as if my ego is clinging on to all it knows and is desperate to hold on for everything its got. Like when someone is drowning and all they can do is pull the only person down who is trying to rescue them.

 

[Voidmatrix]

Sorry I'm late on my reply. As much as I want to be here [at the Nexus] I'm so overwhelmed, all the time.

Anyway

Thank you for the spiritual bypassing referral, Void. I've since picked up a copy and started diving into it and have read the first three chapters so far and it's a great read and can appreciate the message.

You're more than welcome, I'm glad that you're enjoying it. Or at least hopefully you are .

This past week has been especially hard for me as I started to hit a snag with my migraines hitting me like a ton of bricks. This is the first time that I've had three in one week with the past two days having them back to back. Up to this point I was regularly taking a good mushroom or lsd journey every six months to help stave the headaches with really good success almost going a year, or better yet to the point I almost forgot the last one I had. Never had I ever gotten to this point in my life....with as frequently as wanting to end my life at times.

Considering your newest post, is if safe to assume this is not as much of a worry for you at the moment?

I am overdue for a good journey but have refrained due to my compulsive nature to have everything perfect before descending which can't be possible and further pushes me into the void. My ego fights it the longer I take the plunge as if it gets a stronghold like it knows what is better for me. I have to remind it that it's not as big and bad as it makes it out to be and you'll thank me later very much. 200 micrograms are on the horizon this weekend to help me get a grip on this issue.

Where you put compulsive to describe yourself I put neurotic to describe my situation hahaha.

You hit the nail on the head as to why I try to journey often. The older we get, and the longer we go without an experience, the harder it is to really get back into the space.

I know what is bothering me right now and it is the thought of losing my wife hurts after learning that she's wrecking her liver and struggling to see through her self destructive ways.

My heart goes out to you both. While alcohol isn't bad in and of itself, I despise all the damage that it contributes to. That's something that is very hard for you to cope with, I'm sure.

I've gone through the Alanon journey with her when our step son was trying to kill himself at one point with his addiction so this is ironic that once we decided to go back to trying to drink responsibly after over 4 years abstaining that she's taken it too far. There's a point it is no longer fun and that ship has sailed!

I don't know what steps you guys are taking to remedy the situation, but there is hope. One of my best friends was in a dire situation, and he's doing so well sober now after a lot of intervention. Just gotta find what routes and combinations of therapies will work best for her.

So I decided to forgo the 200 mics and felt called to 75 mgs of psilocybin which is always enough for me to do some deep work. Time and time again I am reminded that this place is always there whenever I am ready, there's no rush, no reason to push away, no reason to judge, but more importantly, no reason to be so hard on myself like I do when I get to this point. I am my own worst citric that only fuels the self defeating lies that I keep convincing myself

Sounds like it was a good switch. And that dose sounds like it's about 1/4 of standard cubensis. Hefty dose my friend. Something I know I'd like to get back to. Hat off to you.

Some of my issue is being too hard on myself as well. It's hard to change and sometimes the needle doesn't move at all. I'm pretty hard on myself sometimes (less and less over time) for staying in such shallow waters so often. I'm not being fair to myself or extending much compassion or understanding.

It has been way too long since I've taken psilocybin and visited the space that brings me back to a peace that is only made by going through the stuff that is brought out by my beloved mushrooms. It's not what I want but what I need to be shown. Interesting how the longer I wait in between journeys the harder it is to commit, as if my ego is clinging on to all it knows and is desperate to hold on for everything its got. Like when someone is drowning and all they can do is pull the only person down who is trying to rescue them.

I envy you a little bit, in a good way. It's been a long time since I've intentionally gone real deep with some wonderful mushrooms (I had a pretty heavy one sometime last year that kinda rocked me), so I've been taking it easy with them. I also haven't really felt I've had the space or time for it either. I'm so happy to hear you received a bit of balance and equilibrium from your experience, being shown what you need to see. Psychedelics, in the hands of those who are intentional, tend to give one more of what they need than what they want.

One love

 

[Kobranek]

I am enjoying the book as I am halfway through as I have a tendency to read really quick through some stuff while really slow for others. When I'm pushing too far in either direction I notice it's usually because of a block or I'm working through something. So I'm trying to pace myself with as easy as it is to read it is pretty dense. I always try and keep an objective perspective throughout a book but there is always something in me that tries to find something to dismiss or discredit someone. This book is no exception. I find it odd that the author talks about not putting higher orders on things yet belittles psychedelics as inferior. May just be me though but I can understand to not let anything get in the way of our true feelings albeit spiritual in nature. Interesting stuff that he brings up nonetheless. I'm guilty of spiritual bypassing, looking back I see it as coping mechanisms that don't serve us well.

Now that I took my prophylactic I'm good with the migraines. It's pretty spot on as far as the relief it brings. I keep having to remind myself the pharmacology behind treating my migraines with serotonin agonists as if to legitimize what I'm doing as if my ego keeps rearing it's ugly head to dissuade me to continue on this road. I keep going back to the same video to remind me, very weird.

My wife and my alcoholism isn't in the traditional sense. We're functioning alcoholics. It has gotten to the point it is affecting our health with her developing liver disease. I only need a couple drinks to get me spiraling that's how I know it's not for me. I lost my dad to alcoholism so it brings to a lot of pain to have to go through this with my wife. All my immediate family are functioning alcoholics so it's deeply ingrained. My wife also has a severe sugar addiction which I think is the main cause for her health declining moreso than the alcohol which makes this all the more incidious since she doesn't understand that excess sugar turns into alcohol in the system so she doesn't see much of the problem. The same trigger to eat excess sugar is the same to have a drink.

I love psilocybin for the pathway to healing it provides for me. I want to start exploring more oral dmt as I've only had one successful journey but was a rough trip due to it being too strong after a couple of failed attempts. I miss lsd and it calls to me regularly but due to its long duration I have been heeding the call. I do miss vaping DMT as my last trip was when we had the SHE for Lucas.

The best way I can describe feeling more at peace after journeying is because the psychedelic properties of going from one extreme to the other in terms of laughing, and I don't know what it is about psilocybin but it reliably cracks my nugget by opening the flood gates to cry. Not just a little cry but a good deep wailing, then next thing I'll be busting up laughing uncontrollably till it hurts. By opening a space to honor this in ourselves allows on a certain level that I can't explain or put into words a balance or peace that is not attainable otherwise.

 

[Transform]

The best way I can describe feeling more at peace after journeying is because the psychedelic properties of going from one extreme to the other in terms of laughing, and I don't know what it is about psilocybin but it reliably cracks my nugget by opening the flood gates to cry. Not just a little cry but a good deep wailing, then next thing I'll be busting up laughing uncontrollably till it hurts.

This is well worth emphasizing - the deep, cleansing feeling of blubbing your heart out on psilocybin has power beyond words. In fact, I've developed superhuman abilities in the direct aftermath of such a session on more than one occasion.

Let's open up that psilo-cry-bin, baby!

 

[Voidmatrix]

I always try and keep an objective perspective throughout a book but there is always something in me that tries to find something to dismiss or discredit someone. This book is no exception. I find it odd that the author talks about not putting higher orders on things yet belittles psychedelics as inferior. May just be me though but I can understand to not let anything get in the way of our true feelings albeit spiritual in nature. Interesting stuff that he brings up nonetheless. I'm guilty of spiritual bypassing, looking back I see it as coping mechanisms that don't serve us well.

Don't strain yourself too much in trying to be objective. Objectivity is more about the importance to our attempt at objectivity rather than actually being objective because we can never be totally or absolutely objective. Pick it apart. Pick and choose what works for you. Scrutinize it. Find fault. Nothing is perfect. There are a few views that I don't agree with in it. That could either just be personal preference or it could be that I have more growth and learning to do to be able to align with the ideas I currently don't align with. Perhaps it's a mix of the two.

I think that people that may not have had experience with psychedelics or even certain kinds of experiences with them will usually fall into a similar camp. All the same, psychedelics aren't for everyone, but everyone should still be able to have ways to find the spiritual centers and balance through such.

The author's (and myself and many many others) are also guilty of spiritual bypassing Like objectivity, it seems to be about best attempts.

I keep having to remind myself the pharmacology behind treating my migraines with serotonin agonists as if to legitimize what I'm doing as if my ego keeps rearing it's ugly head to dissuade me to continue on this road. I keep going back to the same video to remind me, very weird.

To me this isn't weird. It's actually very familiar. It's part of my overall obstacle; finding the best justification. It's a work in progress, always pushing the edge a little more.

The Perfect Reason:The Perfect Justification...

...doesn't exist. For any valid argument there's always an equally valid counter-argument. In my neurosis in bringing myself to do psychedelics, I keep grasping for an inarguable motive, reason, and justification for my use (as if I am required to justify it to anyone but myself), one that...

forum.dmt-nexus.me

My wife and my alcoholism isn't in the traditional sense. We're functioning alcoholics. It has gotten to the point it is affecting our health with her developing liver disease. I only need a couple drinks to get me spiraling that's how I know it's not for me. I lost my dad to alcoholism so it brings to a lot of pain to have to go through this with my wife. All my immediate family are functioning alcoholics so it's deeply ingrained. My wife also has a severe sugar addiction which I think is the main cause for her health declining moreso than the alcohol which makes this all the more incidious since she doesn't understand that excess sugar turns into alcohol in the system so she doesn't see much of the problem. The same trigger to eat excess sugar is the same to have a drink.

Again, my heart truly does go out to you. The friend I mentioned was also a functioning alcoholic. To be honest, there are several that I am close to that struggle in their own ways. And the sugar aspect is brutal. When you cut out the one form of carb, the body desires another. And both can lead to unhealthy weight gain. It doesn't help that there may be genetic precedence for alcoholism being heritable, neither does it's ubiquity and acceptability.

I love psilocybin for the pathway to healing it provides for me. I want to start exploring more oral dmt as I've only had one successful journey but was a rough trip due to it being too strong after a couple of failed attempts. I miss lsd and it calls to me regularly but due to its long duration I have been heeding the call. I do miss vaping DMT as my last trip was when we had the SHE for Lucas.

Psilocybin was really how I cut my teeth with psychedelics. But the many journeys of the last few years have been a bit of a rough ride and I've move more towards DMT and harmalas. I'm sure I'll get back to a different place with psilocybin in the near future. A lot of my experiences with psychedelics, but not all (I just have a negativity bias), have been challenging and harder to manage than in my earlier days.

Try only taking maybe 25 micrograms of LSD and see how you feel. It's something I really enjoy. It's mild enough to function, but trippy enough to make things interesting.

More pharma is definitely in my near future. I've smoalked some amount, worry free (because that's the goal) for 6 days now. Feels good.

The best way I can describe feeling more at peace after journeying is because the psychedelic properties of going from one extreme to the other in terms of laughing, and I don't know what it is about psilocybin but it reliably cracks my nugget by opening the flood gates to cry. Not just a little cry but a good deep wailing, then next thing I'll be busting up laughing uncontrollably till it hurts. By opening a space to honor this in ourselves allows on a certain level that I can't explain or put into words a balance or peace that is not attainable otherwise.

This is interesting because I've had many a experience such as this, but not from mushrooms. It's typically when I get passed the inner blockade and really smoalk. Like finishing bowls and repacking them the best I can. But laughing, crying, shaking (energetic discharge), yawning, etc. have all come in beautiful unity and synchronicity to me in a lot of those... that is until I've passed a certain point, then everything is just hyperspace and my emotions become a very different thing...

One love

 

[Kobranek]

That is a great way to approach any subject without being too hard on oneself. Ironically, there is a lot of pressure being placed on trying to remain objective. I'll try my best!

I like to think that everyone has a piece of the puzzle so long as we're open to receive the message they are trying to convey. My harshness is a symptom of how hard I am on myself and usually has nothing to do with the messenger. I have to reign myself in over and over to not get ahead of myself.

I have to keep reminding myself that we are the minority as the ones who like to consume psychedelics. Outside of the nexus I know of noone who enjoys them like I do in my day too day life. I can appreciate the author taking the pragmatic approach to steer those from psychedelics and into psychotherapy.

Thanks Void for reassuring me from not psyching myself out of helping to regain control of my headaches again with these substances. I should really know better with how long I've been benefiting from their therapeutic potential.

Again thank you for your kind words with my struggle with alcoholism. After we did a good stint with Alanon I learned so much about how ingrained our lives are involved with alcohol. I agree it's not the substance but how people choose to form their relationship and treat themselves and others around it. It's definitely a lifelong work in progress and value everything I've learned and continue to learn from the journey.

I have a long standing strong relationship with psilocybin and equally respect the power it beholds with opening us up and bringing to the surface what needs to be worked on towards wholeness. I'm equally scared and excited to embark on a mushroom journey.

Good to hear your back on the saddle with a daily regimen. I'd like to work towards something similar if only to microdose and try to keep the neuroplasticity flowing.

I also like low dose lsd to keep things trippy and stimulated since I'm a heavy cannabis user who likes to nap around noon on weekends. Creates a change in the routine. I do like doses of 100-150 mcgs. too.

I've always played with the idea of hitting the changa hard one of these days to turn things up but one hit usually has me going strong grasping for sobriety. My ego kicks in and has a hard time letting go unlike going for a breakthrough where you have no time but to be in hyperspace.

Thank you again for creating this thread to open the door to discuss a subject not many are willing to talk about.

 

[AstralRoots]

This is a great thread. Thanks for making it.

My cptsd whilst undiagnosed is acute and in retrospection of my childhood I do not need any such diagnosis to know I "have" it (or does it have me?).

Trauma isn't my problem at this point nor were my self annihilating, drug addicted, alcoholic, abused/abusive parents: it is all me.

Forgiveness is a key: i am the hardest one to forgive. Bufo was a profound experience a short week ago however it didn't change my substance issues As I was still struggling going into it (not surprised in the least.)

the kratom "demon" has me though in the end it's an anti depressant and stimulant which generates a sense of connection. I didn't partake the day of but couldn't resist the night of: literally a monkey on the shoulder with subsequent physical dependency.

I've loved me some San Pedro and peyote over the years. Feeling drawn to El though bigger on my life is iboga. It's been on my radar, met with some folks, know some folks, and am preparing to prepare to prepare...

cPTSD is sort of tragic especially when one is in denial of it in that it can be a huge compromiser of intimate, deep, meaningful, and especially romantic relationships. It has cost me everything yet then again who is the responsible party here?

I am lucky to have a few friends in this life. Especially in the wake of much wreckage. I am thankful to have a good relationship to my mother who has been doing it all (Aya, kambo, soon Bufo etc). I am however strangely triggered whilst in her presence. I am only now beginning to admit I have severe memory gaps from 0-12. I recall a few memories from that period. It feels like my life started at 12 when suicidality was online.

Blah blah. Thanks for the opportunity to share here. Wishing all the best.

 

[Voidmatrix]

That is a great way to approach any subject without being too hard on oneself. Ironically, there is a lot of pressure being placed on trying to remain objective. I'll try my best!

It doesn't help how often people use the term "objective" without considerations of what I've shared above. I find it best to highlight a fallacy or a bias rather than claim objectivity.

I have to keep reminding myself that we are the minority as the ones who like to consume psychedelics. Outside of the nexus I know of noone who enjoys them like I do in my day too day life. I can appreciate the author taking the pragmatic approach to steer those from psychedelics and into psychotherapy.

This seems to be the case and more and more true as we age and time goes on. As a psychedelic guide, I am around many who use psychedelics, but not like I do, which isn't a point of pride, just an observation that connects to the idea of us being the minority.

Thanks Void for reassuring me from not psyching myself out of helping to regain control of my headaches again with these substances. I should really know better with how long I've been benefiting from their therapeutic potential.

Anything I can do to help! I go through much the same, and have to repeat to myself to "smoalk moar." It's actually a goal at this point.

Again thank you for your kind words with my struggle with alcoholism. After we did a good stint with Alanon I learned so much about how ingrained our lives are involved with alcohol. I agree it's not the substance but how people choose to form their relationship and treat themselves and others around it. It's definitely a lifelong work in progress and value everything I've learned and continue to learn from the journey.

The shit is hard. Ironically, the day after your response, I went to help my tattoo artist move a chair into his new studio. While there, one of my dear friends who struggles severely with alcohol called me twice, which two in a row is uncharacteristic, so I had a feeling something was up. I called him back to be met with a very drunk voice requesting that I come over to meet his father. I knew what was up, I knew what I had to do. To keep it brief, I ended up spending several hours trying to get him some help, letting him know that I wouldn't be leaving him in his apartment by himself. He turned down the intake coordinator at the rehab center that he has frequented in the past, so I had no choice but to call emergency services. At first they weren't going to take him anywhere, but when I mentioned that he couldn't walk and so therefore cannot assist himself in going to the bathroom, making food, or escaping his home if some such emergency like a fire were to occur. They finally took him to the hospital. He's still there.

All that said, I hate alcohol delivery services. If someone cannot get themselves safely to the liquor store, then they don't need to drink anymore, simple as that to me.

I have a long standing strong relationship with psilocybin and equally respect the power it beholds with opening us up and bringing to the surface what needs to be worked on towards wholeness. I'm equally scared and excited to embark on a mushroom journey.

Good to hear your back on the saddle with a daily regimen. I'd like to work towards something similar if only to microdose and try to keep the neuroplasticity flowing.

I also like low dose lsd to keep things trippy and stimulated since I'm a heavy cannabis user who likes to nap around noon on weekends. Creates a change in the routine. I do like doses of 100-150 mcgs. too.

I've always played with the idea of hitting the changa hard one of these days to turn things up but one hit usually has me going strong grasping for sobriety. My ego kicks in and has a hard time letting go unlike going for a breakthrough where you have no time but to be in hyperspace.

Mushrooms and DMT certainly are stochastic; they do a great job of shaking the heavy dross up to the surface. Idk where I'd be without them.

Today's journey is going to be very mild. The last two were wild and I think I'd like it to be a bit more somatic today.

I wanna eat a whole tab soon. Working as much as I do limits time. I need energy for these endeavors as well. However, I should have some time on Friday for some pharma and changa which I'm looking forward to.

The more you do it, the easier it gets, even if it doesn't seem like it

Thank you again for creating this thread to open the door to discuss a subject not many are willing to talk about.

I feel like I'm notorious at this point for bringing up tough topics, but it's my honor. I am glad to help. That's something that is important to me to do.

I am however strangely triggered whilst in her presence.

Trauma isn't my problem at this point nor were my self annihilating, drug addicted, alcoholic, abused/abusive parents: it is all me.

Let's bear in mind that complex PTSD is a long-term form of PTSD. I'd encourage you to potentially try and do some deep somatic work to see what floats to the surface of your mind regarding your personal history. There may be a connection to your mom, even if it's indirect connections. It also sounds par for the course that you're blaming yourself and perhaps not noticing the thread of continuity between what you've been through and what you go through now. These are just ideas, but something that stood out to me based on the two sections of your post that I quoted above. It's hard for me to not feel like there's a connection there.

Blah blah. Thanks for the opportunity to share here. Wishing all the best.

I'm glad that you did share. I try to tailor most of my threads in a way where we can all connect and hopefully heal in a communal way by both connecting people that have gone through some of the same things as well as by helping those that haven't to have some amalgam of understanding. Understanding connects us

One love

 

[AstralRoots]

Thanks for the insight. Self blame and shame are toxic to the Soul.

 

[Kobranek]

You are a good friend Void for helping your friend out the way you did, not many people are willing to do that since like you said it is some hard shit to go through. I really question how much I'm willing to do that for others myself. It can be out right dangerous for those who selflessly try to help those who are in desperate need.

My best friend who I haven't talked to in years is lost in his opiate addiction whose throwing everything away to it. Living lights comment struck a cord in regards to those who don't know they have it and are driven by it are suffering so much worse. Well we just lost one of our longtime friends this past month, that I learned about this past week, who was struggling with my best friend equally who had a brotherhood with him based on their opiate addictions. He died in a way that equates to suicide by cop. Knowing my best friend I can only imagine how he currently is spiraling out and using this as a reason to leave his loving family behind. Interestingly there is a common theme with growing up in a broken home that we all share. We really didn't get along all that well but it still hurts to know what could've been if it wasn't for the struggle him and my best friend shared before he decided to end his life by breaking into someone's house armed with a knife knowing there was a high likelihood someone was on the other side of the door armed with a pistol.

 

[Voidmatrix]

You are a good friend Void for helping your friend out the way you did, not many people are willing to do that since like you said it is some hard shit to go through. I really question how much I'm willing to do that for others myself. It can be out right dangerous for those who selflessly try to help those who are in desperate need.

Thank you. It is hard, but it's not my first rodeo.
It also wouldn't have been the first time I've gotten burned as a result.

My best friend who I haven't talked to in years is lost in his opiate addiction whose throwing everything away to it. Living lights comment struck a cord in regards to those who don't know they have it and are driven by it are suffering so much worse. Well we just lost one of our longtime friends this past month, that I learned about this past week, who was struggling with my best friend equally who had a brotherhood with him based on their opiate addictions. He died in a way that equates to suicide by cop. Knowing my best friend I can only imagine how he currently is spiraling out and using this as a reason to leave his loving family behind. Interestingly there is a common theme with growing up in a broken home that we all share. We really didn't get along all that well but it still hurts to know what could've been if it wasn't for the struggle him and my best friend shared before he decided to end his life by breaking into someone's house armed with a knife knowing there was a high likelihood someone was on the other side of the door armed with a pistol.

That cord struck me, but in a different way. There are many people struggling with mental health issues and that has been the case for a long time. And as time goes on, and we as creatures collectively learn more, we are either discovering new mental health issues and/or discovering ones that arise as a result of certain changes, such as mass media (I make this latter point because it's been shown that we don't have the cognitive adaptations to keep up with the technological advancement we are immersed in; not only that, but having access to so much information at once tends to impact and skew our expectations for our lives and experiences on a subconscious level). I think that having almost any discernible/diagnosable mental health struggle and not knowing what it is is cataclysmic and tragic.

Another harmonic of this cord that I also felt was in the phenomena of people thinking they need to have sort of mental health struggle and then convince themselves into a hole that they have one aside from life being hard. Some of this connects to the above statement about subconscious expectation. A medium where we can view such a phenomena is social media, specifically TikTok. There are people giving very broad examples of symptoms of various mental health conditions and in turn convinces people that they are struggling mentally just because they align with a non-specific list of criteria without the context in which these criteria are observed.

Aside from that, my heart goes out to you for both of your friends. Both situations are tragic. Please make sure you take ample care of yourself and really process all the emotions that come as a result of such struggles to make sure you keep your own head above water. None of that is easy to bear.

I'm kinda getting my ass kicked today... just saying. The hyperarousal and depersonalization that has embedded me in this torbid sea of self-negativity with the goggles that distort perception of self.

One love

 

[Kobranek]

I feel you Void, in this day of age with self diagnosis through webmd and internet forums many are going around misdiagnosed which isn't helping and only making matters worse. At the very least hopefully people are becoming more conscious of the fact that a friend or family may be in need of help, themselves included. Instead of continuing to push forward with the dysfunction.

What I've learned through this is that no matter the diagnosis the veil to sanity from poor mental health is very thin, sometimes when that line is crossed there is no coming back. Nothing in this world, I repeat nothing in this world is worth giving that up. To form a nurturing relationship with yourself that promotes your mental health.

I agree that the influence of mass media in this highly technologically polluted world is compounding the problem. I can't wake up at night without reaching for my damn phone. I get caught up in countless hours scrolling. The content is becoming more intense and in a sense it's pushing boundaries that hasn't before. I'm becoming quite desensitized to it all, which is worrisome in itself. My teen daughter is struggling with it too. I have to give her breaks to decompress from when the warning flags of withdrawal and depersonalization start waving. I'm also open to the idea that we are a highly adaptive species that this may be a test for our next step in the evolutionary process. DMT included.

Nothing can take away from the fact that life is hard and some are given shittier hands than others. No diagnosis nor intervention can change those who are truly gone and are hell bent on pushing towards death.

Dr. K's video provides a lot of good information but his pretentious tone is a bit hard to get around. Thank you for posting I did gain some knowledge. I am sure glad to not be a mental health professional, I couldn't imagine the burden of diagnosing peoples mental health conditions.

 

[Voidmatrix]

I feel you Void, in this day of age with self diagnosis through webmd and internet forums many are going around misdiagnosed which isn't helping and only making matters worse. At the very least hopefully people are becoming more conscious of the fact that a friend or family may be in need of help, themselves included. Instead of continuing to push forward with the dysfunction.

What I've learned through this is that no matter the diagnosis the veil to sanity from poor mental health is very thin, sometimes when that line is crossed there is no coming back. Nothing in this world, I repeat nothing in this world is worth giving that up. To form a nurturing relationship with yourself that promotes your mental health.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not one that has the money to see a doctor about everything that I wonder about about my own mental health, so do use other outlets to help me figure things out, but I am already aware of the critical lens that I am bringing to the analysis. I have an understanding of how the diagnostic process really goes as well, and am also aware of the way in which some ailments can appear like others. I feel that the entire endeavor requires quite a bit of continuous research. I don't think that most other people feel this way or think this way, opting for the path of least resistance and expecting to find a place where the right answer will be spoon fed to them.

I agree that the influence of mass media in this highly technologically polluted world is compounding the problem. I can't wake up at night without reaching for my damn phone. I get caught up in countless hours scrolling. The content is becoming more intense and in a sense it's pushing boundaries that hasn't before. I'm becoming quite desensitized to it all, which is worrisome in itself. My teen daughter is struggling with it too. I have to give her breaks to decompress from when the warning flags of withdrawal and depersonalization start waving. I'm also open to the idea that we are a highly adaptive species that this may be a test for our next step in the evolutionary process. DMT included.

I think that it has become part of our evolutionary process, and with hindsight being 20/20 we can see that we would likely have benefited more from a slower utilization of technology and it's advancement rather than empowering more and more immediate gratification with more and more technological advancement. Too much of a good thing is a bad thing, we've been led by our impulses too long.

I recently disabled my IG. I only care to use it for business type purposes anyway and am not using it for that so can rid myself of the distraction. I'd rather be here. I have worries about desensitization because it seems to lead to an interesting consensus in hypocrisy, in that people are so desensitized to the experience of others that they only make a stand when something has only happened to them, even if they've perpetrated what's happening to them to others at some other point, or if they've witnessed it done and had no sort of reaction about it's moral nature. There's a cognitive bias where we can only grasp numbers up to a certain degree and then we tend to skew them after. I feel like there's a similar phenomenon occurring as a result of social media where we are desensitized to each other because we are always spectating other people. And through subconscious function making comparisons to them that are predicated on an appearance and interpretation of that appearance through not only our own filters, but the filters of the platform being used and the filters imposed by the creator of a given piece of content.

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. I really worry about the younger generations. We all need to touch more grass.

Dr. K's video provides a lot of good information but his pretentious tone is a bit hard to get around.

I thought this was a funny observaiton only because I've never perceived him that way, but can see how someone can. I think it's mainly just the tone. He digs into himself pretty well in his videos too. He teases himself quite a bit. He'll talk about how he failed out of school, got rejected a bunch of times from a bunch of different schools, and other things. I tend to find him pretty humble. I do disagree with some of his takes on a philosophical level, but think he overall encourages pretty well-rounded approaches to mental health. I'm glad that you got something out of it.

One love