Exploring PTSD and Potential ADHD

[Voidmatrix]

I'd like to explore PTSD and potential ADHD. Part of me being more compassionate with myself (instead of thinking I'm simply undisciplined, lazy, etc).

I have a diagnosis of PTSD (that may be CPTSD). I was in denial about it for years, thinking that I hadn't been through anything "that bad." That's not very compassionate. I'm flipping the script on that presently. I'm concerned with this as my social experiences seem to be diminishing and/or not going well. One thing in particular is this experience of spectating myself getting hot and bothered in conversation over things that are relatively harmless. I manage this well, but the internal experience and thoughts therein are not what I'd like them to be. I had assumed that this was just because I'm deeply philosophic and passionate about it and so am very particular, but it seems to be more than that, or being a highly sensitive person. There are other things as well, but I'm focusing on this at the moment.

I do not have a diagnosis of ADHD. I would still like to explore it as I feel I may have it. I do plan on seeing a therapist once I have insurance and the funds to do so again. However, there are certain things that seem to be getting worse with age, such as centered focus (without any other external stimuli), easily bored, drained, generally scatter-brained, and "unproductive" and "inconsistent." It got worse when I dropped certain habits like journaling and reading everyday. I still meditate daily. Granted, I've been overwhelmed for a while, don't sleep the best, and do experience depression as well.

This is me just taking some kind of step forward. While this is all on my mind right now, I'm actually doing pretty well today.

One love

 

[Kobranek]

I am really enjoying this thread, thanks again Void!

Expanding our knowledge of improving our mental health can only benefit us even if learning through trial and error or other less desirable means, who's the judge here. This is what we as humans have been doing from the beginning. Some of us are a bit more passionate and gain the experience to further understand the dynamics to genuinely help others without a self gratifying agenda.

I really feel for those who want to take the easy route or want to be spoon fed they're missing out on so much real world experience which will eventually come back to bite them to see whether they really learned the lesson or not, life is funny like that it seems.

Our hunger for technology is like a cancer with no end in sight which is portrayed in our media with where we would like to be which is always more evolved then where we are at the time. I feel for the future generations from here on out and am grateful to have grew up at the very beginning of it all and know what it's like to live a simple life not driven by the digital technological world we have today.

I feel if it wasn't for our impulses we wouldn't be where we are today for better or worse. We are a product of our impulses. But yeah the algorithms have tapped into it to a T, it gets kinda scary at times like does this app know me better than me... haha

We share the same worry about desensitization from all this mass media along with the depersonalization aspect. I didn't realize your observation of cognitive bias is on par with the desensitization to the media we're exposed to on a daily basis. Information overload gets the best of us along with the overstimulation that causes us to act out in ways that we don't realize or simply don't care especially if not taking into consideration how the media is being presented and portrayed. Both are very concerning and not to be brushed off lightly. Interesting how we are a very complex and inquisitive species but can easily be deceived or motivated in ways that the marketing industry or content creaters have tapped into.

Nothing against Dr. K, we need more folks like him willing to discuss difficult topics to break the stigma. Just thought his tone was funny and that someone could easily brush him off initially as not being genuine but as you listen further to what he says you quickly realize he's bout it and it's just me being judgemental towards him as a person.

I am still forging through the spiritual bypassing book. Thank you Void for your recommendation. Looking back at my first post to this thread is screaming spiritual bypassing. There are certain times in my life that reassure me that I'm on the right path that every moment and person is there as a part of a piece to the puzzle and this is definitely one of them. The chapter True Resopnsibility touched me to the core because I've been living my life as a man of service to others which pulls me away from myself in an unbalanced way. The one thing that I didn't realize is that by me trying to help others more than they can for themselves is not really helping them and to let them do and learn themselves is the best approach so they can learn and expand. Pete Walkers book from surviving to thriving brings up a term called fawning which touches this concept.

Considering to do some more psilocybin but am itching to meet with Lucy over the weekend, she's one of my other girls next to Mary.

 

[Voidmatrix]

I really feel for those who want to take the easy route or want to be spoon fed they're missing out on so much real world experience which will eventually come back to bite them to see whether they really learned the lesson or not, life is funny like that it seems.

Idk, it's statistically possible that there many people that live life in a whimsical and oblivious manner and get by their entire lives just fine. It's hard to know though, so like many things, we take some perspective or other to make sense of it all. We're meaning making creatures after all.

I really feel for those who want to take the easy route or want to be spoon fed they're missing out on so much real world experience which will eventually come back to bite them to see whether they really learned the lesson or not, life is funny like that it seems.

It seems like it's a whole hell of a lot of people...

Our hunger for technology is like a cancer with no end in sight which is portrayed in our media with where we would like to be which is always more evolved then where we are at the time. I feel for the future generations from here on out and am grateful to have grew up at the very beginning of it all and know what it's like to live a simple life not driven by the digital technological world we have today.

In many ways I don't disagree, but I do wonder how many people a generation younger than you said pretty much the same thing about the advancement happening in the their time In all seriousness though, hopefully there will be adaptation and change where things are able to balance out and we are able to function in spite of the difficulties we face now. I think it's worth mentioning that some of these issues are only really in the most advanced countries. So perhaps, as other countries "catch up" they will be able to curb some of these effects as a result of their way of life and by having optics as to what we're discussing now.

It's one of the ways in which we're like a virus. We don't behave this way with just technology. It's happened with food as well among other things. We just want more, and for the most part, the bulk of us don't know how to curb it and keep going along with what at present could likely be said to be a destructive flow.

I feel if it wasn't for our impulses we wouldn't be where we are today for better or worse. We are a product of our impulses. But yeah the algorithms have tapped into it to a T, it gets kinda scary at times like does this app know me better than me... haha

I'd say that it knows our habits of preference more than us, but for many, algorithms knowing our habits of preference can in turn alter who we are. I feel the issue here comes to a point of self-reflection, which many people don't want to do in a deep manner. I think what we can observe in the media about "bigger" figures as well as the toilet bowl that is social media, that this may be true. But who's to say everyone has the same capacities for such things.

Interesting how we are a very complex and inquisitive species but can easily be deceived or motivated in ways that the marketing industry or content creaters have tapped into.

In my eyes, it doesn't seem like there's much curiosity anymore outside of "what will most entertain me and keep my attention?" Which can be translated to neurological inputs that link to habit and reward. All this just reiterates your point and that's what we end up leaning towards.

Nothing against Dr. K, we need more folks like him willing to discuss difficult topics to break the stigma. Just thought his tone was funny and that someone could easily brush him off initially as not being genuine but as you listen further to what he says you quickly realize he's bout it and it's just me being judgemental towards him as a person.

I can definitely see your initial perspective. He's definitely a beast with some of this stuff though. He even has a video telling people not to binge watch his content

I am still forging through the spiritual bypassing book. Thank you Void for your recommendation. Looking back at my first post to this thread is screaming spiritual bypassing. There are certain times in my life that reassure me that I'm on the right path that every moment and person is there as a part of a piece to the puzzle and this is definitely one of them. The chapter True Resopnsibility touched me to the core because I've been living my life as a man of service to others which pulls me away from myself in an unbalanced way. The one thing that I didn't realize is that by me trying to help others more than they can for themselves is not really helping them and to let them do and learn themselves is the best approach so they can learn and expand. Pete Walkers book from surviving to thriving brings up a term called fawning which touches this concept.

I'm so glad that it is treating you well. I find it to be a bit of a treasure and one of the better books of that kind that I've come across in a long time. It was also oddly validating, in that I had had several similar inclinations and ideas that are shared in the book. Gave me some peace of mind in way.

And it's interesting because we all do it. I think it comes down to minimizing it as much as possible, and getting to a point where addressing and correcting it become second nature.

Considering to do some more psilocybin but am itching to meet with Lucy over the weekend, she's one of my other girls next to Mary.

Why not all three?

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

I'm still listening to this one, but damn is it hitting hard and deep.

One love

 

[AstralRoots]

It feels appropriate to reflect the realization of that the pain one carries may not be entirely of their own self. Induction or transferrance appears a valid phenomenon which isn't always easy to excavate under in order to integrate.

Cheers

 

[Transform]

Recognizing, acknowledging, and working through familial trauma has been an important part of my journey towards wholeness. Fully realised, it appears to have gone a long way in "breaking the chains of karma" by providing a route towards forgiveness on every step of the process of social-familial trauma propagation as it manifested through history. That does not mean that anyone is necessarily let off the hook of culpability when there have been acts of transgression, but it does appear, for me, to have formed a keystone in the processes of personally moving forward when dealing with trauma.

Some of this kind of philosophy may sound somewhat familiar, but it seems to have helped me (n=1, no control case - although it seems to be fairly certain that others have found this too.)

 

[Transform]

Why not all three?

Yesssssss… 303%

(Pro tip: remember to enjoy watching the walls melt.)

[EDIT: OMG - only after posting did I check the timestamp at the start of void's post - IT'S A SIGN!!]

 

[AstralRoots]

Recognizing, acknowledging, and working through familial trauma has been an important part of my journey towards wholeness. Fully realised, it appears to have gone a long way in "breaking the chains of karma" by providing a route towards forgiveness on every step of the process of social-familial trauma propagation as it manifested through history. That does not mean that anyone is necessarily let off the hook of culpability when there have been acts of transgression, but it does appear, for me, to have formed a keystone in the processes of personally moving forward when dealing with trauma.

Some of this kind of philosophy may sound somewhat familiar, but it seems to have helped me (n=1, no control case - although it seems to be fairly certain that others have found this too.)

Thanks to you and all for the ongoing sharing of such vulnerable inner processes. Sometimes we speak in generalities though its a very personal process for each of us the same. The timing of this is correlate to a degree of piercing almost never before felt.

Forgiveness is a wonderful notion but how can one forgive what one knoweth not the origin of? The pain in the heart is like tinted glass strictly preventing a certain percentage of light (or love) from entering. If this is true to remove the tint or to incrementally let more light in can be a process requiring a great or even tremendous amount of effort/awareness.

When you gaze at It, it gazes back. How long/deep one looks is up to oneself. Smoking another cigarette or indulging in this or that serves to elongate the inevitable.

I do not intend to hijack the thread. It's helpful to have a platform to exchange these thoughts and experiences. Take good care all

 

[Voidmatrix]

While this thread as whole is more centered around CPTSD and ADHD, I'm going to focus on depression, in particular, dysthymia, here, since in my experience it is something that is related to both CPTSD and ADHD, in that experiences of depression are common with these other two.

I'd like to unpack a few things from the last video I shared that are shattering to some extent but also allows me to feel somewhat validated as well as satisfied with a way in which someone has put some of this into words.

This facet that I'll be talking about is something that I have noticed for a long time and drives me nuts. A simple way to say it, and a bit of a spoiler, is, I'd like to be able to push myself where I want to go and be without needing anyone else to help me. You'll see what I mean in a moment.

Dr. K said, "...but with people with chronic dysthymia there's always depression lurking in the background that is squeezing the joy out of your life from all these different activities that normies can experience joy from, therefore the future depressive has been trained to fear his own activities. He requires a mediator to grant him pleasure. A dominant other who breathes meaning into their life. In order for your life to have meaning it requires someone else to give you this meaning. This dominant other doesn't have to be a person by the way. It can even be things like a religion or something like the army where there's this other factor outside of you that determines whether your life..."

"Trained to fear my own activities." Sounds about right. Sounds like what I've spoken about with my struggles with DMT. It's poignant to put it in those words. But it's apt. The action paralysis I experience in order to do anything is influenced by this statement. Growing up, I had to ask for literally everything. I could rarely just make decisions. They always had to be cleared by my father first. This has translated into my adult life. I didn't know what I was doing in college and therefore didn't do well because in fearing my own activities I never simply made a decision that was based on some direction of thought. It was something that to feel okay about the direction I need such an outside mediator, when there is none... it's my life. But this "function" of mediator is inadvertently applied to many different other things; dominant archetypes of people, those who are "successful," societal expectation on the whole, to name a few...

And I've noticed this inside me from a very early age. It's why I mainly "played the game" growing up, thinking contrary to my perceived behaviors. Having noticed what's been described about myself for a long time, this is why I don't want a "teacher," and really don't have a "hero," or an "idol;" because I don't want to give in to this felt sense that I need the approval of someone else to feel validated in my actions. I'd rather figure out what I need to on my own...

I can say this even about writing. Or simply expressing myself.

I'm familiar with this overall idea, because I've fought against the phenomenon for so long...

Dr K said, "...have this subsurface constant sense of depression so let's take a quick look at that paper again. "The problem with the helpless model is that many depressives are capable of excellent work and are convinced their effectiveness, they derive however no pleasure of meaning from their efforts. It is not the realistic ability to perform, but the intrapsychic inability to obtain satisfaction that seems more typical of depressives.""

The value I received growing up from my actions was given to me by my father or teachers. That is very clear. That value always seemed short-lived as the "appreciation" from my father began to seem disingenuous and inauthentic as well as short-lived in and of itself. I've done things in life, but haven't really celebrated any of them. Even being brought on as a guide to a center without having jumped through the same hoops as others hasn't hit me in a positive way that it probably should yet. I see nothing about myself. And as a result, I feel purely lucky for the opportunity. And I feel this way about a lot of my actions. I feel these ways for my positive effects on others. I end up just feeling tired...

However, another poignant and apt way to describe my experience that will hopefully help me now that I can identify it. Change will be gradual though, because I'll have to be with it in this new frame before being able to do anything about it.

One love

 

[rkba]

Awesome shadow work!

And somewhat 'frightening' that I recognize so much. You're illuminating shadows within myself that I hadn't noticed before.