- Merits
- 823
Play with a blowtorch, you get burned once in awhile. Just a fact of life.
I woke up feeling a lot better this morning. Very somber but able to move.
So, what's it all about? I explained the general themes in the original post. And yet, these themes are not all that new to me. They are partially what brought me to the spice in the first place, finding myself in middle age with most relatives and many friends already dead, as an atheist, looking for . . . . something.
So, again, the theme of existential despair and nihilistic patterns is not at all a new one.
But, couple it with this fact: My parents were uninvolved neglectors in general when raising us, for better or for worse. What this means is they gave us enough guilt (well almost enough, LOL) to do basic socialization, but no extra. Somehow I've never felt guilty about maturbating, just embarrassed if caught in the act - the act itself does not induce guilt. I have never felt guilty or evil or sinful or self-condemning for taking a drug. I have felt bad about how my habitual drug taking behavior was causing me to make poor decisions, especially in the past, but the act itself . . . Does this make sense? Guilt is not my strong suit.
So, in the past, when slammed by the reality of our pathetic little existences and the yawning darkness of the grave that awaits in no time at all, it hit more like this: Before it was personally distant - like "Wow, all these people died on me, I'm going to die, all this shit has happened, doesn't that suck? That pisses me off! The injustice of it all. I'm selfish - I want those loved ones back, I want a longer life" etc. The understanding was my egotistical selfishness, yes, but the focus was on others and the injustices done TO me.
This time it was: "Knock knock! HELLO?!??? GONG! GONG! GONG! Running out of time and it's too late anyway. Take a close look - father has a few years, husband has a decade or two, you have few decades and look at all you have NOT done in the time spent and look at . . . . " Well, that's the tip of the iceberg. It was so personal now that I'm on the second half of my life. Never had such a self-incriminating experience before. This time the focus was on the injustices committed BY me.
I had actually done a decent job of rejecting all the guilt that the greater society and religions within, neither of which I ever fully supported or believed, of rejecting unnecessary guilt in my life.
Yes, I have given these things a lot of thought. But this time it was so excruciatingly detailed in ILLUSTRATING for me PERSONALLY how I use other people to try to prop myself up, to shine a light upon my little self in the grand DARK design. Thus all of my actions seem completely and utterly pointless. Meaningless. And counter to my stated purpose.
Thus my dreams remain dead this morning. And I see no point in ever apologizing for anything again.
Tomorrow will be better and yet I worry. I honestly see no point in making an effort to do more than go through the motions. All desire for fake actions, helping people, apologizing when it seems appropriate has been burned away. As stated, if I have the impulse to reach out or to apologize I find a huge vortex/loop opening in my head which shows me how it's all just a self-serving action of a little hopeless ego drowning in the dark.
The core that remains, though not sociopathic, does NOT feel this has been a forward step towards growth.
Thus, I reiterate to myself and others. Time.
Post-Script: Worth noting - My use of DMT has increased, rather radically, since the quake/tsunami/nuclear disaster in Japan. This culminated on Saturday where I had a handshake, then a breakthrough, then one hour later, smoked harmalas, and hit my ultra-strong changa again. That hit was a MASSIVE overdose. I could tell before I exhaled I had taken A LOT and tried to surrender. I remember the beginning of the trip with the drowning in entities and the very end where the themes I've discussed were synaesthetically illustrated with sharp angled slices of geometry. I remember opening my eyes and thinking "Whoa! Too early!" And closing them again. Some timeless period later, they opened again and I tried to raise my head and again it was, "Whoa!" Finally when I sat up I was confused. Last thing I had seen upon setting the pipe down was 11:08 p.m. Now it said 11:29! I got some seconds at the beginning and the self-condemning timeless minute at the end. Where did the 20 minutes go?!?????? Blackout/overdose and/or deeper layers of my mind choosing the "Forget" option discussed in the OP.
I woke up feeling a lot better this morning. Very somber but able to move.
So, what's it all about? I explained the general themes in the original post. And yet, these themes are not all that new to me. They are partially what brought me to the spice in the first place, finding myself in middle age with most relatives and many friends already dead, as an atheist, looking for . . . . something.
So, again, the theme of existential despair and nihilistic patterns is not at all a new one.
But, couple it with this fact: My parents were uninvolved neglectors in general when raising us, for better or for worse. What this means is they gave us enough guilt (well almost enough, LOL) to do basic socialization, but no extra. Somehow I've never felt guilty about maturbating, just embarrassed if caught in the act - the act itself does not induce guilt. I have never felt guilty or evil or sinful or self-condemning for taking a drug. I have felt bad about how my habitual drug taking behavior was causing me to make poor decisions, especially in the past, but the act itself . . . Does this make sense? Guilt is not my strong suit.
So, in the past, when slammed by the reality of our pathetic little existences and the yawning darkness of the grave that awaits in no time at all, it hit more like this: Before it was personally distant - like "Wow, all these people died on me, I'm going to die, all this shit has happened, doesn't that suck? That pisses me off! The injustice of it all. I'm selfish - I want those loved ones back, I want a longer life" etc. The understanding was my egotistical selfishness, yes, but the focus was on others and the injustices done TO me.
This time it was: "Knock knock! HELLO?!??? GONG! GONG! GONG! Running out of time and it's too late anyway. Take a close look - father has a few years, husband has a decade or two, you have few decades and look at all you have NOT done in the time spent and look at . . . . " Well, that's the tip of the iceberg. It was so personal now that I'm on the second half of my life. Never had such a self-incriminating experience before. This time the focus was on the injustices committed BY me.
I had actually done a decent job of rejecting all the guilt that the greater society and religions within, neither of which I ever fully supported or believed, of rejecting unnecessary guilt in my life.
Yes, I have given these things a lot of thought. But this time it was so excruciatingly detailed in ILLUSTRATING for me PERSONALLY how I use other people to try to prop myself up, to shine a light upon my little self in the grand DARK design. Thus all of my actions seem completely and utterly pointless. Meaningless. And counter to my stated purpose.
Thus my dreams remain dead this morning. And I see no point in ever apologizing for anything again.
Tomorrow will be better and yet I worry. I honestly see no point in making an effort to do more than go through the motions. All desire for fake actions, helping people, apologizing when it seems appropriate has been burned away. As stated, if I have the impulse to reach out or to apologize I find a huge vortex/loop opening in my head which shows me how it's all just a self-serving action of a little hopeless ego drowning in the dark.
The core that remains, though not sociopathic, does NOT feel this has been a forward step towards growth.
Thus, I reiterate to myself and others. Time.
Post-Script: Worth noting - My use of DMT has increased, rather radically, since the quake/tsunami/nuclear disaster in Japan. This culminated on Saturday where I had a handshake, then a breakthrough, then one hour later, smoked harmalas, and hit my ultra-strong changa again. That hit was a MASSIVE overdose. I could tell before I exhaled I had taken A LOT and tried to surrender. I remember the beginning of the trip with the drowning in entities and the very end where the themes I've discussed were synaesthetically illustrated with sharp angled slices of geometry. I remember opening my eyes and thinking "Whoa! Too early!" And closing them again. Some timeless period later, they opened again and I tried to raise my head and again it was, "Whoa!" Finally when I sat up I was confused. Last thing I had seen upon setting the pipe down was 11:08 p.m. Now it said 11:29! I got some seconds at the beginning and the self-condemning timeless minute at the end. Where did the 20 minutes go?!?????? Blackout/overdose and/or deeper layers of my mind choosing the "Forget" option discussed in the OP.
), your friends and your enemies, so it wouldnt hurt to bring them up once more.
