FEELING CHICKEN

[grimlid]

Hi Nexus,
Ive been having a tough time getting up the jam to do some DMT lately. My trips to this point have all been low dose I likely smoked 6 to 8 times previously. I have been extracting lots even though none of my friends want it and I dont need to sell it I have cash and stuff. when I low dosed in the past it made me feel much better. Like a lot better than I had felt in years and years.
My last trip was 6 weeks ago. It kind of sucked but also kinda didnt . My wifes Dad died in a foreign country from covid. I waited about 8 weeks to smoke any DMt because when I tried to use it while he was sick it was too overwhelming and I felt like he was there with me. about a month after his passing I created an awesome set and setting in my house while my wife and kids were gone (which has been rare with covid fuck) and I was off work. I did one big vape toke of the cleanest DMt I have extracted to date. It was cool and visuals were different (blue instead of usual red and yellow I get). Then I was overwhelmed. I felt a very strong force (like a hand) grab the back of my head and turn my head forcefully(I was resisting Im no pussy) toward a crucifix which hangs above a family crest and pictures of my kids. The crucifix was glowing bright blue like a welding arc around Jesus. A voice said to me "Stop seeking all you need is here!" I got on my knees and was struggling to not look as I felt unprepared and also unworthy to talk to what was potentially God.
I am really depressed since then. I feel like God is gonna kick my ass if I use DMT. Im not super religious though my wife is as well her deceased father. As a recovering addict of 20 or so years Ive been dependent on God to keep me sober. I started DMt use every few weeks for about 6 months and Ive been super chicken to try again. I really felt like DMT was helping me in ways 12 step recovery cant. I was actually starting to have hope again that I may be happy again.
Ive got lots of product but I cant seem to find the courage to use it and I definitely dont want to smoke in my house ever again. I really hate where I live its by a highway and train yard. Im moving to another place I already own in 6 months. I cant wait til then to Do DMT again but I dont know what to do. I feel like I will never find a set and setting where I will feel safe if I cant feel safe in my own f___ing living room.
If anyone has any feedback Im hurtiing pretty bad and feel a sense of loss deeply. I dont want to argue with God but Im kinda mad at him (if thats what was speaking to me through the crucuifix).
Help. Ima 50 something guy, with money and assets and a bitchy unhappy wife and 2 special needs kids. I want to experience this again but I cant seem to get the jam.
Should I just keep hiding in my garage extracting more DMt until some magic event gives me the courage again? Im lost at the moment.
Oh and to make matters worse I developed tinnitus about 2weeks after this incident and had to quit weed since it was making it about twice as bad. I hav enothing to ease my pain it seems and I feel like God is basically like "whatever dude youget what I give"
If anyone read this far I applaud your patience, Im not usually an internet whiner, My friends dont get it and dont care they have their own problems.

 

[barkbee]

I don't think you are jam or courage deficient.
You need whole a lot of jam just getting out of bed with all the pressure and responsibility on your plate.
I would probably fold with all that going on right now.
I read every word.
I hear you clearly as I was in a similar dark place at your age ten years ago.
It absolutely sucked and was convinced it would last forever.
It sucked so much I can't really talk about it except to say I found myself again and the intelligence with which you articulate yourself suggests you will as well.
In my 6 plus decades, Ive had times when psychedelics felt right to take and times when I knew I was telling myself to be patient. The latter voice was always the quiet one but I am truly glad I stopped and listened to myself.
I am not sure if this is common or not but its just felt like a good plan.
I am not the one to help you choose as I am so chicken I have yet to try this special one.
But maybe listening to yourself more will help you find yourself as well.
Not much gold to offer but know that I didn't hear any whining.
I just heard a grieving dad with a ton of responsibility, living in semi-confinement and responding to it with patience and maturity.
It gets better.
All my best to you and your family.

 

[Blazon]

it is your subconsciousness @grimlid
you can move to Alaska's last frontier but that bitchy wife and the package ....
I feel for you,been in unhappy relationship myself for last decade,with two young kids and mrs riddled with mental health issues,I got very sick from it all and was only 30

I coudn't have a mushroom trip for years,similar to you now with DMT,I just kept my mushies growing to keep busy-that opart to open the box and mist it every day twice a day was the good part,something to look forward to every morning but coudn't take them...

set and setting are as important as the substance itself

 

[Tomtegubbe]

Thank you for sharing your story! I think the spirit molecule can makes you feel really naked if you have any unresolved issues. You have to build spiritual and mental integrity to go deeper. That can be very challenging, but I think it's also the diamond that this substance offers you. Maybe you should listen to the voice you heard? I'd say it's good idea to seek spiritual virtues in your everyday life and try to do the right thing to build up confidence. The world will be waiting for you when you are ready to take the next step, but meanwhile there may be things that need your attention in the everyday life.

 

[grimlid]

I don't think you are jam or courage deficient.
You need whole a lot of jam just getting out of bed with all the pressure and responsibility on your plate.
I would probably fold with all that going on right now.
I read every word.
I hear you clearly as I was in a similar dark place at your age ten years ago.
It absolutely sucked and was convinced it would last forever.
It sucked so much I can't really talk about it except to say I found myself again and the intelligence with which you articulate yourself suggests you will as well.
In my 6 plus decades, Ive had times when psychedelics felt right to take and times when I knew I was telling myself to be patient. The latter voice was always the quiet one but I am truly glad I stopped and listened to myself.
I am not sure if this is common or not but its just felt like a good plan.
I am not the one to help you choose as I am so chicken I have yet to try this special one.
But maybe listening to yourself more will help you find yourself as well.
Not much gold to offer but know that I didn't hear any whining.
I just heard a grieving dad with a ton of responsibility, living in semi-confinement and responding to it with patience and maturity.
It gets better.
All my best to you and your family.

Thank you for your kindness and understanding. I really appreciate that. Its cool when someone outside can give feedback from a different perspective. I should know this after supporting so many guys trying to get off drugs over the last few decades. The inner voice is usually the reasonable one we will stay safe if we listen to. thanks again, you are obviously quite wise. I hope you experience the alkaloid sometime. It really changed my life; albeit temporarily .

 

[grimlid]

it is your subconsciousness @grimlid
you can move to Alaska's last frontier but that bitchy wife and the package ....
I feel for you,been in unhappy relationship myself for last decade,with two young kids and mrs riddled with mental health issues,I got very sick from it all and was only 30

I coudn't have a mushroom trip for years,similar to you now with DMT,I just kept my mushies growing to keep busy-that opart to open the box and mist it every day twice a day was the good part,something to look forward to every morning but coudn't take them...

set and setting are as important as the substance itself

I feel you thanks. I did a few shroom trips when I first started seeking psychedelic assistance to ease my inner struggles. I have had some serious bad trips back in the 80s from taking like stupid amounts of shrooms and lsd. I understand our inner self must not be conflicted by too many life issues to handle the magic of the trip. I like the "lets just keep producing until the time is right " perspective. making or growing something this special is very therapeutic in its own right.

 

[grimlid]

Thank you for sharing your story! I think the spirit molecule can makes you feel really naked if you have any unresolved issues. You have to build spiritual and mental integrity to go deeper. That can be very challenging, but I think it's also the diamond that this substance offers you. Maybe you should listen to the voice you heard? I'd say it's good idea to seek spiritual virtues in your everyday life and try to do the right thing to build up confidence. The world will be waiting for you when you are ready to take the next step, but meanwhile there may be things that need your attention in the everyday life.

I feel you are correct. Clearly I need to do more inner work as well as outer work before I will be able to successfully trip again. Thanks kindly I appreciate your feedback.

 

[bismillah]

Remember to take some time to acknowledge why you want to do it in the first place. Any intention is valid (even just wanting to get smashed), but you have to be honest with yourself and decide if your intention is worth your while.

Also try tripping with a sitter. I did so for the first time the other day after a looong hiatus, and it helped immensely with the fear and anxiety. I think the experience was more emotionally profound than those of my past as well.

 

[grimlid]

Remember to take some time to acknowledge why you want to do it in the first place. Any intention is valid (even just wanting to get smashed), but you have to be honest with yourself and decide if your intention is worth your while.

Also try tripping with a sitter. I did so for the first time the other day after a looong hiatus, and it helped immensely with the fear and anxiety. I think the experience was more emotionally profound than those of my past as well.

Good Idea. I started seeking someone a few weeks ago. My buddies are total reality sleepers who watch mainstream news for information even though they smoke weed like its going out of style. I found a guy a the local university I may meet up with soon.
edit; what I meant was my budddies arent interested in alternative or existential thinking or even doing shrooms lol.

 

[Poemander]

Angry at God? I suggest you let God know about this. Scream it out if you have to!
Wife unhappy? Make her happy as best you can after your done yelling at God.
Special needs kids? They all need the same love no matter what.
You? You are doing great with all things considered so give yourself credit!

The burden of life can feel like it's too much to bear at times. Good to take a look at the things your are carrying around from time to time and see if you can lighten your load a little at a time. Those that seek enlightenment I feel understand this concept better than most. I myself have a few things I need to place down, as do us all I suppose.

Please don't label yourself a chicken because you have some fears. It is self perpetuating in every way. Fear feeds fear. Stop! Love is the opposite of fear. Look at your anger and fear and face it head on, just admitting you are suffering can begin the transition into some peace in your life. On the other side, I hope your relationship with God and your family is based in love and not fear. The foundations of your life must be grounded in love, otherwise, you will only be out for yourself. Be in service to your family and everything else will fall into place. Make your home a loving and safe place starting today. It's ok to soften and let love in! It is not weak, in fact, it is the strongest thing you can do. I have never felt stronger than when I faced my fears, cried, screamed and had the courage to feel these things. It's ok to feel these things. It will get better!

Love your family, everything else is secondary.

 

[PedroSanchez]

Hi Nexus,
Ive been having a tough time getting up the jam to do some DMT lately. My trips to this point have all been low dose I likely smoked 6 to 8 times previously. I have been extracting lots even though none of my friends want it and I dont need to sell it I have cash and stuff. when I low dosed in the past it made me feel much better. Like a lot better than I had felt in years and years.
My last trip was 6 weeks ago. It kind of sucked but also kinda didnt . My wifes Dad died in a foreign country from covid. I waited about 8 weeks to smoke any DMt because when I tried to use it while he was sick it was too overwhelming and I felt like he was there with me. about a month after his passing I created an awesome set and setting in my house while my wife and kids were gone (which has been rare with covid fuck) and I was off work. I did one big vape toke of the cleanest DMt I have extracted to date. It was cool and visuals were different (blue instead of usual red and yellow I get). Then I was overwhelmed. I felt a very strong force (like a hand) grab the back of my head and turn my head forcefully(I was resisting Im no pussy) toward a crucifix which hangs above a family crest and pictures of my kids. The crucifix was glowing bright blue like a welding arc around Jesus. A voice said to me "Stop seeking all you need is here!" I got on my knees and was struggling to not look as I felt unprepared and also unworthy to talk to what was potentially God.
I am really depressed since then. I feel like God is gonna kick my ass if I use DMT. Im not super religious though my wife is as well her deceased father. As a recovering addict of 20 or so years Ive been dependent on God to keep me sober. I started DMt use every few weeks for about 6 months and Ive been super chicken to try again. I really felt like DMT was helping me in ways 12 step recovery cant. I was actually starting to have hope again that I may be happy again.
Ive got lots of product but I cant seem to find the courage to use it and I definitely dont want to smoke in my house ever again. I really hate where I live its by a highway and train yard. Im moving to another place I already own in 6 months. I cant wait til then to Do DMT again but I dont know what to do. I feel like I will never find a set and setting where I will feel safe if I cant feel safe in my own f___ing living room.
If anyone has any feedback Im hurtiing pretty bad and feel a sense of loss deeply. I dont want to argue with God but Im kinda mad at him (if thats what was speaking to me through the crucuifix).
Help. Ima 50 something guy, with money and assets and a bitchy unhappy wife and 2 special needs kids. I want to experience this again but I cant seem to get the jam.
Should I just keep hiding in my garage extracting more DMt until some magic event gives me the courage again? Im lost at the moment.
Oh and to make matters worse I developed tinnitus about 2weeks after this incident and had to quit weed since it was making it about twice as bad. I hav enothing to ease my pain it seems and I feel like God is basically like "whatever dude youget what I give"
If anyone read this far I applaud your patience, Im not usually an internet whiner, My friends dont get it and dont care they have their own problems.

firstly i need to say stop extracting for now. it is easier to store bark for a long time than extracted DMT. there is no harm in taking a break, lots of people do it, sometimes for years.

i personally think you are subconsciously reminding yourself of the importance of your family. it sounds like you have broken away from them mentally and are using DMT as an escape from the stress of family life.
it is very easy for us to lose touch with our families, particularly in times of stress, which i assume is regular when raising two special needs children.
maybe you should take a break from DMT and make a conscious effort to reconnect with your family.
you mentioned your money and assets, which i thought was out of context and suggests to me that you are valuing those things too highly. i could be wrong, and please dont be offended by that, it is just my observation and attempt to help. what those assets really mean is that you can now retire early and spend your time 100% focused on your loved ones, which i think you know deep down.

a visit to a therapist is probably recommended, but be careful taking any drugs they want to prescribe! i dont know where you are globally, but a lot of doctors like to throw out addictive and dangerous drugs that cause more problems in the long run.
a good therapist will be able to help you rearrange your thoughts and figure out what exactly is getting to you most and form a plan of action to tackle those problems in a manageable way.

i think once you have reconnected with your family and your head is in a better place you will be able to learn further from DMT. for now, it is telling you about your family, so listen to its advice.

just my humble opinion. i hope it helps. good luck

 

[CatFractals]

If you haven't taken up mediation it can really help sort out your mind can put you into calmer thinking. This also helps with DMT experiences as well. Either from mediation before or during the experience. Just give it time, I'm sure you'll be able to have a beautiful set and setting for a pleasant time. You have magic at your figure tips. LITERALLY. I hope this advice helps to some extent. I do care for you regardless if I haven't seen you in this world and only through a computer.

Keep your mind positive and make sure you fill your life with whatever gives you this positive feeling. It sounds like you may need new friends. If they burden you more than help that is. I truly hope you love the family you created because I myself yearn for a kid. If you need friends I am here along with the nexus. Be safe in your travels.

 

[Quaid]

it is your subconsciousness @grimlid

Bingo. If you don't like it, only you can fix it -- and you have all the tools you need. Quite liberating once you realize that. Keep working on it!

 

[bismillah]

My 2 cents: you become the environment you create around yourself. Make peace with your local bit of universe, and the people close to you in your life... and then try looking inwards.

 

[thymamai]

:lol:

 

[thymamai]

there are eyes that cannot see and fingers that cannot touch. that's the way of the world.\\


Do eeeeeet, mon

 

[pullmypinky]

If you haven't taken up mediation it can really help sort out your mind can put you into calmer thinking. This also helps with DMT experiences as well. Either from mediation before or during the experience. Just give it time, I'm sure you'll be able to have a beautiful set and setting for a pleasant time. You have magic at your figure tips. LITERALLY. I hope this advice helps to some extent. I do care for you regardless if I haven't seen you in this world and only through a computer.

Keep your mind positive and make sure you fill your life with whatever gives you this positive feeling. It sounds like you may need new friends. If they burden you more than help that is. I truly hope you love the family you created because I myself yearn for a kid. If you need friends I am here along with the nexus. Be safe in your travels.

I totally agree, meditation has been helping so much since i've been doing it. (60 days in a row now) I can tell it's going to help me whenever I go on my next travel!

The meditation helps so much before you go on the journey, because my heart is beating out of my chest before I'm about to launch, but if I just relax and meditate for a bit I'm ready to go.

 

[Vala]

I just want to remind you that you are the one who is responsible for your life. Being content will not be achieved through external things, they can however block the contentment that comes from within. You say your wife is bitchy and unhappy and you have two kids with special needs. This struck with me when reading your post. It sounds like you are unhappy with your life. Are these areas that are blocking your peace? Can you do something about it? If yes, then you should do something about it. If no, just accept the situation as it is. I agree with others here that your focus should be on your family, and to work out whatever it is that seem to be blocking your sense of peace and contentment.

You are an adult, you are not a victim to your surroundings. I say this with love. Everything that is dealt to you is a gift, if you want it to be.

Take care

 

[Lyeve]

I felt a very strong force (like a hand) grab the back of my head and turn my head forcefully(I was resisting Im no pussy) toward a crucifix which hangs above a family crest and pictures of my kids. The crucifix was glowing bright blue like a welding arc around Jesus. A voice said to me "Stop seeking all you need is here!" I got on my knees and was struggling to not look as I felt unprepared and also unworthy to talk to what was potentially God.

Could it be that the DMT doesn't want you to use it for the wrong intention? I've had bad trips, in which subconsciously tried to feel bad because in my mind, feeling bad was connected to feeling smart. It kicked my ass so hard and I'm still, after 3 months, trying to build up new courage and integrating the experience.

It looks a bit like you are trying to use it for escaping reality:

Ima 50 something guy, with money and assets and a bitchy unhappy wife and 2 special needs kids. I want to experience this again but I cant seem to get the jam.

Ask yourself, what are you looking for in your trips? The mysterious? The special? The feeling that everything is connected and significant? Maybe, the DMT wants you to see that your everyday life is already part of god, IS god, because everything is. Your kids are god and your bitchy wife is also god. And you don't have to wait until you feel happy with your life, because you are god, too.

 

[Tony6Strings]

Here is a compilation of links on this subject...

PREFLIGHT ANXIETY & RAW FEAR - Help and Advice for Healing - Welcome to the DMT-Nexus

DMT can be terrifying. Many times, more often than not for me, the terror is worth it. It is like the analogy of the astronaut battered by turbulence as being blasted into space. Takeoff is (for me usually) the scary part, once you've smoked (enough) there is no fear, no worries of it not being the correct time, no body even, just the essence of your spirit and the hyperspace.

I need to smoke some, it has been to long. I've been working with DMT regularly since 2018 and I still have preflight jitters, I still chicken out all the time!!! You are not alone!! Let's smoke some anyway, maybe (very likely) something wonderful and amazing will happen!!!