Torpid...
A long standing mental fog, running on fumes in burnout. Everything is blurring together.
I feel burnt out in life right now.
There's so much going on.
Mind you, none of this is a complaint. I have a lot of gratitude. It's just expressing my state and how I feel. This will matter later.
Another long week at a tiresome job that I've long been over. Hopefully I'll be able to make my exit soon.
Staying at my lady friend's place for the night, I promptly grabbed the GVG out of my backpack and set myself up on my lady friend's bed. Her Ausie-Doodle decided to join me. He was more than welcome and I appreciated his company and support.
I picked the "standard" song that I usually do and opened the space.
"Sacredly and with devotion, using the power of my mind will and soul, I open this sacred space. Greeting the Sacred Mystery, the Grand Paradox, and the sacred plant essences and spirits of Mimosa and DMT and Syrian Rue and harmalas, and all the herbs that hold you. I come to balance; I come to seek."
Then I stated to myself "commit, surrender, let go, lean in, be with it, transcend, unlock."
Firing the torch and tilting the flame into the glass top, I drew hard, but slow, allowing more vapor to build up than usual... I just don't care as much anymore. I don't care about my anxiety, fear, apprehension, etc. In some ways it's nice (like when smoalking changa), in some ways not so much (I've been finding it hard to get into things and connect with people lately).
I wanted to be with my body, my feelings/emotions, and my thoughts, so tried to keep things outside of the visual range, but was not dissatisfied by the slight amount that were present.
My thoughts were centered around many of the things that have been perturbing me, such as life stressors, my health, and the apparent state of the world, among other things. But I could see it clearly, without overt emotionality tainting my perspective of it all. I could just be with it.
To be more accurate, there were certainly emotions present in this state, but a deeper subset of myself, something closer to my deeper being, was unperturbed, sustained equanimity, was balanced. A part of myself that a long to be more in touch with.
As I was coming down, and the song started to fade into another, I chose to take another hit. I wanted to so did, instead of the usual withholding and saying that once is good enough... no, go back... again and again and again and again...
The soundscape of the song made me feel weird; tense, with a wavering deepening of the experience, with visuals popping in and out of my visual field. I started to feel sick, but was very curious and decided to stay with this uncomfortable experience for a while longer. It wasn't bad, but rather quite interesting, just hard to handle.
I changed the song. My body began to discharge, and stoically, I rode it out. Coltrane (the Aussie-Doodle) noticed my experience and seemed to come to me as a grounding mechanism. He jumped on the bed and stood right in front of me. I put my arms around him, and he laid on my chest, cuddling up to me in my arms.
I was still feeling sick. I've been in the space enough times to take a hint. I told Trane that I was sorry, but there was something that I had to get out of me and got up and rounded the corner into the bathroom.
Retching at first, the purge was yellow, but there was very little in my stomach. The color is almost always interesting to me because I tend to be pretty fasted before a journey and so the color can sometimes be symbolic, even if I don't always know what that symbol is.
Each expulsion was rewarded with a wave of relief felt in my mind, body, and being. But I was also left feeling more worn out than before I started smoalking.
While it may have had "difficult" aspects, I didn't mind. I've been feeling a lot of apathy lately. I wanted to feel. I felt DMT and so many other things.
Thank you for reading
One love
A long standing mental fog, running on fumes in burnout. Everything is blurring together.
I feel burnt out in life right now.
There's so much going on.
Mind you, none of this is a complaint. I have a lot of gratitude. It's just expressing my state and how I feel. This will matter later.
Another long week at a tiresome job that I've long been over. Hopefully I'll be able to make my exit soon.
Staying at my lady friend's place for the night, I promptly grabbed the GVG out of my backpack and set myself up on my lady friend's bed. Her Ausie-Doodle decided to join me. He was more than welcome and I appreciated his company and support.
I picked the "standard" song that I usually do and opened the space.
"Sacredly and with devotion, using the power of my mind will and soul, I open this sacred space. Greeting the Sacred Mystery, the Grand Paradox, and the sacred plant essences and spirits of Mimosa and DMT and Syrian Rue and harmalas, and all the herbs that hold you. I come to balance; I come to seek."
Then I stated to myself "commit, surrender, let go, lean in, be with it, transcend, unlock."
Firing the torch and tilting the flame into the glass top, I drew hard, but slow, allowing more vapor to build up than usual... I just don't care as much anymore. I don't care about my anxiety, fear, apprehension, etc. In some ways it's nice (like when smoalking changa), in some ways not so much (I've been finding it hard to get into things and connect with people lately).
I wanted to be with my body, my feelings/emotions, and my thoughts, so tried to keep things outside of the visual range, but was not dissatisfied by the slight amount that were present.
My thoughts were centered around many of the things that have been perturbing me, such as life stressors, my health, and the apparent state of the world, among other things. But I could see it clearly, without overt emotionality tainting my perspective of it all. I could just be with it.
To be more accurate, there were certainly emotions present in this state, but a deeper subset of myself, something closer to my deeper being, was unperturbed, sustained equanimity, was balanced. A part of myself that a long to be more in touch with.
As I was coming down, and the song started to fade into another, I chose to take another hit. I wanted to so did, instead of the usual withholding and saying that once is good enough... no, go back... again and again and again and again...
The soundscape of the song made me feel weird; tense, with a wavering deepening of the experience, with visuals popping in and out of my visual field. I started to feel sick, but was very curious and decided to stay with this uncomfortable experience for a while longer. It wasn't bad, but rather quite interesting, just hard to handle.
I changed the song. My body began to discharge, and stoically, I rode it out. Coltrane (the Aussie-Doodle) noticed my experience and seemed to come to me as a grounding mechanism. He jumped on the bed and stood right in front of me. I put my arms around him, and he laid on my chest, cuddling up to me in my arms.
I was still feeling sick. I've been in the space enough times to take a hint. I told Trane that I was sorry, but there was something that I had to get out of me and got up and rounded the corner into the bathroom.
Retching at first, the purge was yellow, but there was very little in my stomach. The color is almost always interesting to me because I tend to be pretty fasted before a journey and so the color can sometimes be symbolic, even if I don't always know what that symbol is.
Each expulsion was rewarded with a wave of relief felt in my mind, body, and being. But I was also left feeling more worn out than before I started smoalking.
While it may have had "difficult" aspects, I didn't mind. I've been feeling a lot of apathy lately. I wanted to feel. I felt DMT and so many other things.
Thank you for reading
One love
