Finding the right person for me....

[ElusiveMind]

Hey everyone,

So... I've been pondering a lot of stuff lately and one of the things that has been nagging me for a while is about trying to find a girlfriend.... but.... I just don't think I'd be able to find one that UNDERSTANDS me..... let me explain.

At one point in my life, was an avid partier, drank, had good times with my friends partyin.... then I discovered marijuana..... then mushrooms, lsd, etc. I looked at my life and in the direction I was headed (family history of alcoholism :shock: ).... I changed for the better with the help of these substances..... considerably... and I'm always grateful for it. I am a LOT calmer than anyone I know, always a smile, never look down on the world and hope for the best. I don't OVER use these powerful substances for I feel it truly takes some good amount of time to fully integrate into everyday life.

My main concern is reaching out to someone significant... and having to eventually confront them about my entheogen use or having to dump my use of entheogens because someone doesn't understand....

Another thing I find incredibly hard to find are people who are level headed about life in general.... I find there are just to many girls that are TOO materialistic, they don't understand true love unless there is some large investment of money involved....

Maybe I'm just going about this all wrong.... I don't know :roll:

How did any fellow Nexian find their significant other? Any advice?

Thanks for your time,
ElusiveMind

 

[FastFourierT]

Harder you look, less you will find.

 

[jamie]

^ what they said.

Just sort of fall into your dream..learn to dream the world around you and play the role you truely WANT to play. That is all you can do..the universe will do the rest.

I thought I might just be some loner hermit for the rest of my life(I still am )..but at least I found my soulmate..and it wasn`t due to any ammount of looking.

 

[Ice House]

How did any fellow Nexian find their significant other?

lol

I was single, I was coaching boys baseball, 12 year olds, and I ended up getting to know a mother of one of the players on the team. She was a single mom. I coached youth sports for a couple years. It was a GREAT way to meet women, single moms.

Women loved the fact that I was spending time teaching their kids to play ball while their dead beat dads were no where to be seen.

lol

My wife dosent let me coach any more.

:lol:

I have some fond memories of my coaching years!

 

[Big Inhale]

I met my girl in the club on her knees,seriously(she was asking me to marry her). I looked down and saw a beutiful angel. 10 years later she is my best friend and lover we have a beutiful son and a wonderful home I couldn't imagine life with out her. Its amazing how she just fell into my life. Keep looking for what you want it might be right in front of you.

 

[Entheojen]

I met my partner in a club (this was a kind of niche alternative music club though where everyone knew each other, no fights or anything - I can't imagine finding a long-term partner at a big commercial club where most people seem to go to drink and get off their heads in a reckless way and have a one night stand, at least where I live.) She came along one night with her friend and we started dancing, "made out" and stayed in contact. Fell in love with each other in the first week really, and nine years later we're still together. Partners for life.

 

[yaxar]

ElusiveMind, I find my self in a similar situation to yours, when finding the right partner. I find it hard to have a real talk with girls. And the one's who are real nuff, are scared to open up.. social pressures and shit!
i ain't giving up tho.. i have been in several meaningful relationships, but as soon as the female gets comfortable, her first worrie's are, finance, house, marriage, kids.... lol... and that's my Q to fly away.
It's hard to break up and i try my best to be understanding and empathetic to their pain but i Know myself. I know that i ain't an easy person to be with but on the same hand, my love is intense, pure and honest, the way its suppose to be.. (for me atleast )
m a hopeless romantic and love every bit of it. And that has a lot to do with the belief, that somewhereeeeee.... over the rainbowwwwww awaits my lovely!

 

[endlessness]

Hang in there bro! I know its not easy!

I had been with a girl I thought was the love of my life for 5 years, but towards the end life showed it was not like that... In the end for the last months/year her care for me went down the drain, and she ended up going with another guy and leaving in a really paintful break up. Needless to say, this was very hard on me.. What kept me going was dedicating to my studies at the time, going exercising every day and eating well, learning to play the guitar, basically forcing myself to focus my energy on productive things.

After that I was a really long time without anybody, thinking it would just not be possible to ever find someone again, first because im not the typical alpha male, dont like going out to typical places/drinking, so it already reduces the chances (but then again now thinking about it, maybe it only reduces chances of the superficial encounters). Also I was feeling the exact same way about how most girls I met were too materialistic, but specially what bothered me was not finding one which was really looking for self-development. I think that relationships can only ultimately work out if the partners have a desire to self-perfect, if in an atmosphere of love and care both (or more, if its not a monogamical model ) can help each other constructively looking at each one's own mistakes and weaknesses, and developing one's potentials.

So yeah, after a long time not being with anybody, I just very recently met a really incredible person! Maybe I tell you guys more about it some other time

For now all I can say is, keep trying to self-perfect, keep trying to be a healthy balanced good person, dont hide yourself from the world, and choose good socialization realms. By the socialization realm, I mean that for example most nightclubs might not really the best place to meet someone deeply (though you never know...), but other places might be more appropriate, like traveling, going to more quiet places, hanging with more alternative people (though also being 'alternative' is no guarantee of anything), festivals, or having some different hobby/sport where you might meet good people, studies/workshops etc. In any case I agree with others, if youre looking too much for it, tendency is, its not gonna happen. With me now it only happened when I was really accepting my lonely status.

Good luck!!!

 

[Rooftop]

Don't be in "seek" mode.
And dance, man:d Whatever the place, whatever the music, just dance and have fun!

 

[obliguhl]

Stop worrying about potential problems. Worry about them once they arise.

 

[Space]

lol Im 26! and I've only had 1 relationship that lasted a year and half! and that was a relationship I fell in to when I was weak, and wasn't good for me so I finished it.

I dont have any problems with woman, just I knew I'd reap greater benefits not having a woman, and now that I think back to it, if I did have a long term relartionship from when i was 18 my whole life would be so different, and not in a good way!

my mentality now is that if the right one comes a long, then I'll go with it. but no way am i accepting someone which isnt on the same level as me! they have to share my main interests. and you know what, if that person doesn't come a long then ok! the greater aspect of what I am doesn't need it!


let go, and go with the flow8)

 

[nn-DreemMasterTree]

The 'right person' cant be there unless you can see them...
I believe you will find whatever your looking for. As the others have said just try not to look to hard, dont expect to much, believe in it and life will have you covered.

 

[ragabr]

Everything that has already been said. Also would suggest, as endlessness pointed out, it's hard to meet people if you're not out there. Joining local clubs for something you're genuinely interested in, from hiking or rock climbing to board games or underground Czech horror-romance flicks, will really increase the possibility of a genuine connection. It also turns down the creepy vibe of, "I'm just here to hook up."

 

[Enoon]

I think a good question to ask before you can really enter a relationship is, why do you feel the need for one in the first place?

I don't know about psychology in general but I feel that if there seems to be a need for a relationship then possibly there is in fact something else that is not fully illuminated yet - in the sense that there are emotional hang ups you are having; needing, wanting, feeling incomplete... these could be deeply routed fears with which you will never be able to fully and authentically participate in a relationship.
But the relationship itself is not the point anyway. We are social beings so I'm not saying we should become self-sufficient in a general sense, but I think we should become self-sufficient in an emotional sense. Basing your happiness, your well-being or peace of mind on a relationship is IMO almost as bad as doing it with material goods. That's not to say we can't be happy if something works out, but I think we can't go about searching for something that will complete us outside of us.

A relationship shouldn't be based on this.

It should be based on supporting development, co-creation and communication.

I have no advice for you on where to *find* someone, but I suggest you find out about the nature of your desire to search, and if it is a healthy wish or not. The nature of your wanting will attract or repel others, and I'm almost certain that if you are entering your search or any potential relationship with some kind of neurotic relationship to the relationship, you will be disappointed in the end.

just some thoughts.
cheers & love
Enoon

 

[antrocles]

oh my god ragabr! YOU like underground Czech horror-romance flicks??

ME too!!

what are you doing friday night?

 

[I am.]

Perhaps you're not meant to find "the one". Perhaps you are the one. I think too many people put too much emphasis on finding someone.

My personal thought is that saying you need someone to feel complete is saying God fouled up.

IMO...you won't find the right person until you don't care. You have to be completely content and happy being alone before you can be ready for a happy relationship. Otherwise...you're only gonna find a temporary bandage for you permanent wound.

Again, this is all my opinion. Before anyone asks or assumes, I do have a girlfriend. But like I've told her a million times, "i am happy. You will never be able to make me happy. At BEST...you can not make me unhappy."

 

[ElusiveMind]

WOW... thanks for all the advice everyone!! Very wise words :d And for those who told their story on how they met their significant other, thank you for that too.

Harder you look, less you will find.

It seems a lot of advice has been following this mindset. And it makes sense too. Be happy with yourself first, "Fall into your dream" as Fractal put it and the universe will do the rest. Very true on both parts. Not only am I looking hard, but the act itself is blinding me from other opportunities in life... both in personal gains and in new friendships/relationships....

Another reason I look I feel is because of social pressure. I honestly don't feel I need a relationship as I am happy and content with my life choices and actions.... but their always seems to be an ambient notion of needing to find someone :roll: :lol:

What kept me going was dedicating to my studies at the time, going exercising every day and eating well, learning to play the guitar, basically forcing myself to focus my energy on productive things.

Very useful advice in almost any situation, focusing energy into other productive things

I think that relationships can only ultimately work out if the partners have a desire to self-perfect, if in an atmosphere of love and care both (or more, if its not a monogamical model) can help each other constructively looking at each one's own mistakes and weaknesses, and developing one's potentials.

Very good point and also an aspect which, in my mind, truly defines a loving relationship when they mean well for both them-self and their partner

but other places might be more appropriate, like traveling, going to more quiet places, hanging with more alternative people (though also being 'alternative' is no guarantee of anything), festivals, or having some different hobby/sport where you might meet good people, studies/workshops etc

Very true. Night clubs in my opinion aren't very social and don't lend themselves well in socializing with someone else..... unless screaming into their ear is considered good socializing :lol: I believe I will look into some more hobbies / social outlets as the ones I currently hold aren't the greatest

Don't be in "seek" mode.
And dance, man! Very happy Whatever the place, whatever the music, just dance and have fun!

Hahaha :lol: Very true 8)

I think a good question to ask before you can really enter a relationship is, why do you feel the need for one in the first place?

Very thought provoking :shock: :d After a bit, I've come to the conclusion that I think it really doesn't have to do with wanting a relationship per-say, but fearing that I will loose the friends I have made over the years to relationships and I'll be the odd man out. Yes this goes back to self-loving first and being happy, but I've seen over the years with some friends and also family friends how their relationships "tie them down" more from spending time with friends.... probably a little selfish on the partners part but easily just as said on my actions of not wanting anyone to leave :lol: I've even turned down relationships over the years just so I could be friends with someone as it is more fun to have a friend then a partner.

You have to be completely content and happy being alone before you can be ready for a happy relationship. Otherwise...you're only gonna find a temporary bandage for you permanent wound.

Very true, as I've seen this impulse of "needing" someone before your own "self-happiness is complete" multiple times to many of my friends.

Thanks a lot everyone for all the advice you have given me so far. If anyone has anything else to say or comment on please do.

Many thanks from a grateful Nexian,
ElusiveMind

 

[ragabr]

:shock: why antrocles, of course i'm watching movies with you! Prague is mighty sordid this time of year

 

[PureMan]

When I was younger I felt so alone.. It felt like I was destined to be alone forever..

Only once I stopped seeking did the universe bring me my first love.. Now I'm lucky enough to have two amazing girlfriends who both love me unconditionally (poly relationship).

Hang in there.. the right one will come along when the time is right!

 

[DMTripper]

I found my wife of 8 years when I wasn't looking. We're very different, kind of black and white so we balance each other out quite well
Never get desperate. That's never going to help. Just live your life. And like someone here said, dance! Good advice. Just try to enjoy life and what you have and be yourself. It's when you're at peace with yourself that magic happens.
I had been through very difficult times before I met my wife. But I was doing good and felt good about myself when we met. I think that's quite crucial for a good relationship. Don't count on your happiness coming from someone else.

Well good luck And don't worry, that will NEVER help you.