First and second experiences

[LotsofLove]

Greetings,

My first experience was beautiful and during the day in a sunlit room.

I don't smoke, so I wasn't able to hold for long.

I sang and danced beautifully right there in that bedroom. It didn't feel like my body and didn't sound like my voice. I don't dance or sing very well. I did things I'm not able to do in my normal day to day life.

I saw mushrooms that looked like colorful penis's when I closed my eyes and I felt like my consciousness was constantly trying to go "upwards" and everything would get very high pitched and then I would come back down. This happened dozens of times.

I became one with the Chopin music I was listening to.

Then I came back and got super paranoid. It was a dmt marijuana mix. (Marijuana when I was younger led to me having spastic episodes of paranoia where I thought everyone was out to get me. It was bad and I stopped using after about 3 times. I never had any pleasant experiences with it. ) I ran around the apartment locking doors and trying to lock windows and I took a bath so I wouldn't smell like smoke. I was literally freaking out.

My second time months later I wanted to do it again so I could try and hold it longer. It was midnight. I was freezing cold cause the apartment had the ac on and it was already cold outside. I took the hit and laid back and coughed even though I tried not to. I shivered. Then for a long time I held it and I wasn't breathing. I went into a cartoon land and voices kept saying, "there's nothing more. This is all there is on the other side. No worlds no nothing. Just endless cartoons. There is noooothhhing mooorrreeee." I was acutely aware that I was not breathing and when I came back to consciousness my mouth and throat was super dry like I hadn't breathed forever. I started dancing and singing like I had the first time. This thing took over my body and I started moving and singing what sounded like opera. It sounded beautiful. And I'm telling you....I AM NO SINGER! Haha. I started freaking out. I felt like I kept dying. Like I had died long ago and my body was in a hospital somewhere and I could hear people talking about it and people crying. But then I came back to the apartment and I was, what I thought, carrying on my old life in an alternate reality because I had died. And I kept coming back and saying I had died. The person I was doing it with got really mad at me and told me that nobody has ever acted like this and that I needed to stop freaking out. She put headphones on me and in between the instruments of the song this dark scary voice kept saying, "I'm going to take your soooouuuulllll, feel the hattttteeeee. I will destroy yooooooouuuuu" I opened my eyes and looked around the room and there were demons in the tapestry, demons in the paintings, everywhere. They were all looking very intensely at me like they wanted me. It was hell. It was the most intense fear I've ever felt in my life. Right when things got really bad I looked over and the person I was doing it with was lifting the pipe to her mouth. I felt an even more intense fear that she was going somewhere when all I needed was someone there to help me. I was so terrified, I threw up. I was all alone.

The next morning I still felt like this was a simulation and it wasn't my life I was living, that I had died. I told her about it, and she again got super protective of the dmt and told me I needed to grow up and stop focusing on the negative, that beautiful things happened last night and that I needed to focus on those things. I was crushed. I had just had one of the most intensely scary experiences of my whole life and here is this person basically telling me I'm stupid and crazy and negative. I felt for months after that I had died...that I was dead and just making up my life that I was now living. It took me a long time to overcome.

A few months ago I did a salvia/dmt/marijuana mix with someone else that I trusted. It was pretty at first and time slowed down. I became a sun worshiper. And then, the not breathing set in. I panicked. I thought I had died again this time! Nooooooooo! I am NOT breathing! I ran inside to another person I trusted and they proceeded to give me mouth to mouth for a long time. I could feel the air coming into my lungs. I wasn't breathing! I had to be dead! I collapsed on the floor. I was dying. Everyone in the room started panicking. For hours they kept me on a bed trying to keep me alive. HOURS. this was not a trip guys, this was actually happening. I could hear through walls and they were all out at the kitchen table talking about how they in all their lives of doing drugs with people have never encountered something like this.

I desperately wanted the cool experiences you hear of people having. I desperately wanted this third trip to be different. It was worse than the other two times because this time, I really wasn't breathing and I passed out and everyone started to panic. I told them this was REAL that WAS DYING. they gave me mouth to mouth for an hour. I don't remember that very well. I don't think oxygen was getting to my brain.

I'm a mid twenty year old female. Vegan. Athletic. Spiritual. But this? This just must not be for me, even though it was so exciting to me after the first time of a nice mellow experience minus the 3 hour marijuana freak out afterward.

A couple weeks ago, I watched the movie "A Beautiful Mind". I felt similarities in my life to that man played by Russell Crow who has schizophrenia. Then I got on the net and tried to figure out if there are any weird things that happen to schizophrenics who take dmt and marijuana. The answer was YES!

Is this why my experiences are so traumatizing and horror filled? Because I am susceptible to schizophrenia? I don't have schizophrenia, at least, not clinically diagnosed.

I am searching for answers to my bizarre experiences. Has anyone else dealing with this in any way shape or form? If so, I'd really appreciate feedback.

thank you,
LotsofLove

 

[dropthemillstone]

I don't think you want a diagnosis from an internet forum of whether or not you have schizophrenia. Maybe check that out with a doctor.

People have scary experiences all the time, you don't have to be schizophrenic. For me, the experience is all about death. Your little ego can die, but the body survives and you re-enter it with new understanding. So many people are doing these drugs with no idea what they are getting in to.

The "i'm dying" feeling seems to happen to nearly everyone. You are not dying. Your concept of yourself is dying. You say you are a mid-twenties, vegan, athletic, spiritual female. Well, actually, that is not what you are. We feel afraid when those adjectives start to become meaningless. I do anyway. We are much more than that. Keep that in mind. If you trip again, try not holding on so fiercely to your identity as those things and see what happens.

Here is some info on negative trips: nexus negative trips and dark entities

Regarding devils and demons, they are manifestations of fear. Sure they have their own life, but if you don't collapse into fear and paranoia they have much less power and you can leave them behind all together. Here are a couple things that can help with that. Take it with a grain of salt. I'm no expert:

1. A detached approach. When you feel afraid in any way, remind yourself that none of the things you are seeing are you. Also, they cannot harm you. The only way you can be harmed is by flooding your body with so much fear and loathing that you develop post-traumatic stress. Calm your mind as best you can when these demons arise. Meditate on peace and love. Search for the feeling of cosmic love. It is available to everyone. Some people even recommend merging with scary entities. That is something that you'd have to decide for yourself in the situation.

2. Maybe chill on combining so many psychoactive substances. You can have amazing experiences on any one ingredient of those complicated cocktails you are making. The first thing I would cut out of my dmt or salvia experience is weed. Not because I hate weed, in fact, I love it. But let's be honest, when we are stoned we have this self-consciousness thing going on that is very easy to morph into paranoia. Do you want to feel weed paranoia while on dmt? It just makes it more complicated. Once you become more confident with one substance then decide if you want to try mixing things up, but as it is, your introduction is very complicated and that makes it hard to tease out what feelings are due to which substance. You said yourself MJ made you feeling ridiculously paranoid by itself, so...leave it out of the mix.

3. Expectations should be managed. You really never know what the experience is going to be. Sometimes it is a little scary. That's ok. I think most would agree that even the most beautiful experiences are tinged with a little dramatic learning. It all comes together, you can't separate the "good" from the "bad" sometimes. It is here for us as a tool to teach us about ourselves and life itself. It isn't all sunshine and daisies. Sometimes there is work involved.

Please be careful and respectful. Consider the company you keep when doing these substances. Maybe by oneself is a good way? Or with a sitter who will be compassionate and kindly remind you that you are not dying. It is my opinion, and certainly others can disagree, but this is powerful, transformative stuff. It is not for everyone and it isn't just for getting one's rocks off. If next time you do it you freak out and convince yourself and everyone else around that you are dying again - just leave it alone for a while and come back to it later or not at all. It is not the only way to understand life or learn about oneself. Don't put pressure on yourself to have to do it if you just don't want to or feel like it is making you unstable.

I hope this is helpful. Maybe someone else will chime in with a lot more experience.

 

[LotsofLove]

Indeed, there is a lot more to the story and I am notorious for being unarticulated! I told the people the second and third time that I didn't want marijuana with the mix, but they insisted because of the harshness of the dmt.

I had my pineal gland activated in the fall of 2012. Everything in my life changed. E-ver-y-thing! This led me to dmt and my curiosity about it the next year. I studied about dmt for about 5 months every single day before I took the plunge. I didn't do it recreationally. I have great respect for the sacredness of dimethyltriptamine(sp?). Pineal gland activation is some powerful stuff, though! And I think I've had more profound experiences with prayer and meditation than drugs have ever come close to touching. My mother is the same way. She feels like she can transcend without the help of dmt.

The dmt did teach me that I:

-stress
-worry
-doubt
-fear
-lack faith
-&still have ego, even though I don't feel like it. The kinda girl that walks down the street singing and dancing and not really caring or thinking anything of it. Kinda girl that would give the shirt off her back for someone in need. But I guess that ego kinda wants to stick around, dammit.

Where I thought I was pretty hot stuff before, dmt truly humbled me and put me in my place. I was very grateful for that.

Thank you for your response. I will definitely consider the things you've taught me.

LotsofLove