Friends abusing

[Jox]

Not sure how title this post. Here it is:

Many times my friends took my ideas without giving me credit. For long I didn't think much but now I start to resent, and I wonder how and what should I change.

- in film school my colleague told me about the script he is going to shoot. I told him: - nonsense the story should be this way... and I started the bull sh**. He listened and said nothing. I felt I crossed a line and shut up. Eventually, he shot a film based on what I told him.

- we just started a small restaurant: salads, juices, soups... around the corner a friend of ours started a bar, and used to came to have lunch, and we became more close to him. After a month his bar didn't do well and I told him what to he may do. He didn't say anything, yet when we went to visit him in his bar, he did exactly what I said, and the business picked up and is doing very well.

- Jack is an elderly man. We did many meditation retreats together, almost all my life, for his age and experience I look up to him, for advise, his opinions, and his long history of practice, he was in a way my teacher... I moved out of the city and whenever back I would visit so we maintained contact. Last time we saw each other, I suggested him to write an article about one meditation technique. He didn't say anything. After that event, curiously, he never answered my mails, and I thought there was no interest, and kind of forgot about him... But, just few weeks ago, on wikipedia I saw the article I suggested him to write, by him of course.

- once I told a friend that he should do a cycle of steroids to get the build he wanted... He didn't comment, and few months later I saw him all buff, and he pretended he is not on juice...

- few weeks on my FB wall, one post appeared regarding how fat is not good with a pic. of beacon. I commented that it is old fashion way, and new research point out that fat actually increases cardiovascular health.... Today on my wall appears a post by the same page how fat is good... I went to their wall, and they removed the post I commented.

By now I can recognise that when I suggest something, if a get a stare from their eyes, through me, without a comment, yet with the intention... I know what is going on...

Well I really don't care if people appropriate my ideas, they are not copy right anyway, nor I would make any $. But on the interpersonal level that relationship is gone...

But what is going on on the psyche logical level I don't get. What were my friends threatened by anyway? Instead of saying : Oh Jox good idea I may do it. And if they do it they could take me for lunch or whatever. They pretend they didn't hear it, and do exactly that, and the friendship, if it ever existed, and I think it did, is gone, more from their angle than mine.

I am filmmaker and artist, I know very well the difference from idea to finish product. Also in our profession we work some time without seeing our name in credits. I know how to protect my interests and weight them... But this is more about communication/friendship interruptions.

What do you guys think? Do you have similar experience?

 

[3rdI]

morning Jox, I hope your well,

i can understand your frustration and it seems to me like these people are representing a high level on the muppet scale. I think that if you use someone elses ideas then a thankyou is the least you casn offer, and if i give out some advice the most i want is a thankyou.

I think that you should be happy that you are on the ball and have your finger on the pulse of the areas that you have advised on, i think thats a big plus for you.

I have something that i think might relate to this situation. When i drive my car i like to let people out at junctions, i do it for a couple of reasons, the first is just to be nice and the second is that it helps the traffic.
I used to get annoyed at people who didnt acknowledge me letting them out but after thinking about it i decided that i wasnt letting them out to be thanked, i was doing it because its the right thing to do. If they dont thank me then thats on them, i am still happy that i did a good thing.

i know its different when its a stranger compared to a friend, but i think you get my drift. If a friend of mine did this i think i would just have to call them out, if there a friend they should be ok with this, if not then are they really a friend? is it really a loss? have you just clensed your life of some vampires?

I think it would be different if you were missing out on opertunites/cash due to them not crediting you, but it seems thats not happeneing.
I would just look at it like you are filling existence with goodness and if the individuals dont thankyou for your help/advise then im sure the universe will.

 

[Shanghigher]

Hi Jox,

Sounds a little frustrating, but at the same time, all you are doing is offering advice (and good advice by the sounds of it - apart from perhaps the 'roids). People respond to this sort of input in entirely different ways dependent on culture, personality, psychology, etc.

Perhaps a little is with your own presentation of the ideas. If you give them advice, and then drop it when they don't immediately respond, perhaps you need to engage them further. A simple "What do you think?" may help, and will give you both the opportunity to explore that idea with them as well as cementing in their mind your ownership over the origin of the idea.

 

[null24]

Ehh, well, I'll admit I hold a pretty dim view of humanity, but what are you expecting? People to give credit where it's due? It's human nature, especially in professional situations to take all the kudos. These folks would have to amit to themselves that their ideas aren't all that great, and someone else has a better one.

Maybe just smile and know you're the smart one in the room.

 

[anon_003]

sorry in advance if this sounds harsh....

but....

why do you need this credit for these ideas? is the satisfaction that you helped them out not enough? You say youre a filmmaker/ artist; if they were stealing your work and passing it off as their own, that is a whole different deal. and in the first situation, that is actually pretty shitty... definitely shoulda given some credit. but for personal things, maybe helping a friend out and seeing them succeed is more important than them verbally acknowledging their benefit from your idea. whatever the case, you can be sure that they know the idea it was yours. and they sure thought it was a good one if they used it.

 

[yamma1]

How do these friends see you? I reckon they see you for what you are, a person with great knowledge of certain criteria. with good ideas and a willing to give advise to others.

Maybe they don't feel the need to "big you up" to yourself. as using your ideas which you give is testament enough.

Yeah sure, some credit for the help and advise would be nice. Just maybe their way of thanking you is to use your ideas. and to be fair, you obviously give advise to them when they need it.

Do they treat you ok? or only see you as someone they can benefit from. If they are friends anyway and don't only come to you when they want something, you should continue helping them and enjoy the fact that you input improves some one elses well being.

 

[Jox]

Thank you all for responding,

You gave me a lot directions to think, but just a short clarification:
- it is not a point that I need retribution, but the person leaves the relationship or becomes distant, which leads me to the response by 3rdI, that actually I am surrounded by vampires...

But I think that it is my fault for not reading the signs the person is sending out, but pretending there is a friendship and thus,sharing,when there is none... I will run these ideas with my pharma journeys to,see what in me feels so,lonely that it misreads the relationship as friendship when it is not.

@ null24
I start to feel a bit bitter too, I heard that abused people take responssability on themselves and thus regain control, sick process though... So instead of positive thinking scrap, reality is better, no matter how harsh.

@ Shanghigher
Very slick, are you a professional coach? Actually I had a plan to withdraw, but you made a great turn: asking a question as simple as you mentioned is all that it takes... I feel much more empowered by the tool you gave me.

Best to all
Jox

 

[--Shadow]

I'm not following exactly why you are feeling resentful to these people that you are giving ideas to... It's a different story if they are "stealing" your ideas without your consent. But you're the one offering it... I would feel more insulted if they ignored your advice.

For example, you say: "Jack is an elderly man. We did many meditation retreats together, almost all my life, for his age and experience I look up to him, for advise, his opinions, and his long history of practice, he was in a way my teacher

...but then you feel resentful toward him when he follows your advice or opinion...??:?

I don't mean to imply in any way that you are doing anything wrong of any sort or being selfish in any way (far from it). What I am trying to say is that you should feel good giving advise if those around you are willing to listen and take it. The world can do with more people like yourself.

Seems more like they respect you that simply taking advantage of you (again, they haven't stolen any ideas from you, they have simply taken your advice)

I wouldn't be so quick to shut your friends out over this.... that's my 'advice'

 

[Jox]

Shadow,

the problem is that the relationship stops.

Jack never answered my mails, after I suggested him to write it, so when I was back to NYC, I didn't call to hook up. I thought he had his reasons not to continue the friendship... And he is entitled not to, no problem there.

BUT, few weeks ago I see on Wikioedia the paper I told him to write!? ₹$£%^|<\, I mean, come on!

Jox

 

[3rdI]

hi jox,

which leads me to the response by 3rdI, that actually I am surrounded by vampires...

if this is the case, and you are surrounded by life sucking vampires then i say screw those people, you dont need them, it may not seem like it but you are better off without them.

It can feel horrible to have people you think are your friends abandon you, i know, i lost pretty much a whole group of friends when one of them fell out with me after he had a bad trip and for no reason blamed me, the group sided with him and that was my 4 "best friends" gone. Its a pretty strange feeling trying to work out what you had done or why they would do that to you, it was very unpleasant time of my life.

but when i think about it now they wernt friends, friends dont do that to each other. If i was your friend and you gave me an idea i would at least say thankyou and probably run it by you to see what you thought before it was released. There are many people like me out there, im sure you know some, i hope you do anyway.

These people didnt even seem to fall out with you, they just stopped comunication, So again screw those people, you dont need psychic life sucking vampires dragging you down.

 

[DiMoiTou]

Hi there,

I'm with Shanghigher and 3rdI on this.
On a side note, I've been told a few times that I have a harsh way of saying things when I notice that someone is wrong about an opinion or a way of doing something.
Like, instead of saying "hey, wouldn't it be even better if...", I'd say "that's so stupid, here's what you should do : ...". So, obviously, people's responses are not always what I would expect...
If you're confident this is not the issue, I say hammer a stake through their heart! symbolically speaking, of course :roll:
And next time you make yourself a friend, make sure s/he has a copy of The Bro Code at home!

 

[3rdI]

Like, instead of saying "hey, wouldn't it be even better if...", I'd say "that's so stupid, here's what you should do : ...". So, obviously, people's responses are not always what I would expect...

:lol: i have recently stopped doing this, and unsurprisingly it leads to much better communication and its much easier to help people see things from my perspective, lifes easier when peoples first reaction isnt to get there back up.
I also discovered that water is wet:roll:

 

[--Shadow]

Shadow,

the problem is that the relationship stops.

Jack never answered my mails, after I suggested him to write it, so when I was back to NYC, I didn't call to hook up. I thought he had his reasons not to continue the friendship... And he is entitled not to, no problem there.

BUT, few weeks ago I see on Wikioedia the paper I told him to write!? ₹$£%^|<\, I mean, come on!

Jox

Hey Jox,
Something is not adding up here...

So,
- You had a great relationship with Jack.
- You both exchanged ideas with each other in the past.
- He was your "teacher".
- Then when he has decided that he has received his best piece of advice from you, he decides that he doesn't need your ideas or your friendship anymore, and proceeds to cut ties and not talk to you anymore?

..doesn't make sense...

On one hand, if they ARE in fact just vampires, you shouldn't be around them a moment longer than you have to.
However, on the other hand, it would be a shame to lose friends from what may end up being a simple miscommunication or misunderstanding.

 

[Shanghigher]

@ Shanghigher
Very slick, are you a professional coach? Actually I had a plan to withdraw, but you made a great turn: asking a question as simple as you mentioned is all that it takes... I feel much more empowered by the tool you gave me.
Jox

Haha, no. But I am a journalist, and communication skills go with the territory. Glad I could pass some of that along, and I hope it helps!

 

[Jox]

@ DiMoiTou,

You are right, I always say it the way you mentioned....

but the Shadow made me think what may have gone wrong with Jack, and I came to a conclusion that I said something that crossed the line of some truth he may not be able to take. No metter how well you package it, if it pushes the button,,it will not go well.

Not everybody is ready to listen to the truth, so I think it is better to ask questions rather then spit out statements even if they are true.

Don't know what makes some people more "radical" then others, is it ego, false sense of clarity of our view.... that is on the way of being critical? Not sure.

It seems it is better no to stick out, what is the purpose anyway?

 

[beacon]

- few weeks on my FB wall, one post appeared regarding how fat is not good with a pic. of beacon.

i told him to leave me out of this.