Goodbye Nexus & Final Reflections

[northape]

I've been pondering this decision for a while, and some of you may remember my message from over a month ago. I'm strange in a way because my psyche is both tight and impulsive. So, I can easily make a decision, but it's hard for me to stick to it due to previous momentum. In my current situation, I'm fully out of society and any social interactions, so Nexus was a safe haven for me. However, it's time to move on. My medicine path has ended, and I see a clear message to continue my work sober. I may drink a few times before moving from the country, but it would be mostly to sing my thanks to the plants and close this chapter.

It's time to finally change my living environment. Spending more than 8 months a year inside the house is no way to live. I'm very tired of excessive sitting behind a computer screen too. Locals say that it's all a matter of your attitude, but it's all empty talk, and they are in the same hole with similar problems. Most likely, it was my fate to come here and work with plants. Given my upbringing and where I came from, it'd have been close to impossible to find the plants, means, and place for stand alone medicine work. It feels like it was all by design, and I only have gratitude now. Still, this place is a purgatory. People end up here to clear their darkness through the teachings of harsh Nordic winters. It'd take a lifetime to complete my mission that way, and it's only thanks to the plants that I'm done and ready to live a different kind of life.

I'll focus on my immediate situation right now. We need to clear the house before selling it, and I should shift my focus from healing to mundane life. I was so into medicine that it became a part of my character. Healing is fine, but it's not an end goal. At some point, you should stand firm on your own two legs and continue on. Further, I feel like any deeper healing can only be done in a sober way by living your life and exploring it. At the end of my work with plants, I see no visions at all. There is no real shift into psychedelic space either. All I see when I use plants is a more loving, open space that is me. It's always here, and plants just relax you into it. There is no separate heavenly place you reach on psychedelics - it's all you. The only real problem we have is our definition of the self and our blind faith that it's the final truth. However, don't trust my words - go explore yourself.

I'd like to thank everyone here. All of you have played a big part in my integration and in coming to terms with who I am. I don't feel alone anymore and see that there are similar people out there. Hopefully, each and every one of you will find what you're seeking. The only real mystery is always your own self.

I'll be here for a week if anyone wants to say goodbye or ask something. If someone ever misses me, just look inside your own heart. I love you all

@Voidmatrix @blig-blug @Nydex @Varallo @Transform @Sakkadelic @ommani @Tripolation @universecannon @LuxObscura @Prima Materia @dreamer042 @Pandora @dithyramb @bezevo @neurobloom @new_science @fink @Pumpy @Valmar @murklan @Jamie01 @doubledog @Bancopuma @EmeraldAtomiser @CosmicRiver @Thierr7 @Tumupasa @Here&Now @Mitakuye Oyasin @rkba @The Traveler and many others, I bow to you

 

[Toadster]

Where are you moving to?

I agree.. spending your life between walls wasting your time for little money and zero meaning isn't the life worth living.
I moved out of the Eu and left everything, friends, family, career..

It took me 10 years to build a new life. I've constructed a couple of airbnb's on a small island, and now I'm " F R E E ".
I can surf, kite, sail, fish all day..

 

[Voidmatrix]

You'll be missed. Dearly and deeply. You have been such a wonderful addition to the community. I wish and hope the very best for you as you move on to the next chapter.

We'll be here when you're ready to come back

One love

 

[Jamie01]

Time for sunshine. Good choice!

 

[northape]

Where are you moving to?

I agree.. spending your life between walls wasting your time for little money and zero meaning isn't the life worth living.
I moved out of the Eu and left everything, friends, family, career..

It took me 10 years to build a new life. I've constructed a couple of airbnb's on a small island, and now I'm " F R E E ".
I can surf, kite, sail, fish all day..

I'm not fully free and need to take care of my elderly mom. It's a whole other story. She tried for two years to set me free, but in the end we're moving together.
We'll travel to India for a few months and then we will head to South America. Which country will be our home is yet to be decided. Thank you for sharing your story.
It's all motivational at this point. I've faith that there is a life beyond my little purgatory. I'm like a frozen river that desperately wishes to flow again.

 

[Nydex]

@northape thank you for letting me and others take a peek into your peculiar, beautiful mind. It has been wonderful to have you as part of this community, and to have had the opportunity to learn from you. Wherever you go, may the winds of fortune always fill your sails.

The doors of the Nexus are always open to you, should you feel the need to reconnect. Until then, I wish you all the best, brother.

 

[Pandora]

northape,

You will be sincerely missed from this place but you explained yourself very well.

I wish you only the best on these next steps in your journey.

You know that your path can always lead back here if needed or desired. If that happens in the future hopefully some of us will still be around to welcome you.

Know that we will be thinking about you even when you are not here.

I have no doubt you will step lightly yet create a deep path.

 

[Varallo]

Oh man, I’m going to miss you. You were one of the people who could explain an esoteric or spiritual idea in a way that didn’t immediately make me allergic to it. Through you, I better understood why it can sometimes be important to belief those ideas and what role it can play in people’s lives. That insight you gave me is very valuable to me, and I’m truly grateful for it.

I understand that at some point you have to move on, (leave the door a little bit open and maybe tell us about your adventures in a couple of years ) and I wish you all the best with your next steps. India sounds very exciting and then South America is really something!

Hopefully we will meet again someday, or as you could say, in another life maybe. I wish you well in your new path and hope that things will be as inspiring and full of surprises as can be

much love

 

[Qoniaq]

Godspeed! Thanks for the messages and comments. Cheers to you!

 

[northape]

Just to clarify, I'll keep my account intact and will check it from time to time. I need to fully focus on fixing my life at this moment; that's all.
Maybe I'll make an album and post my travel log later on. You can always write me a message, but it could take a while for me to respond.
I've no idea what life has in store for me, so I wanted to say a proper goodbye while I can. Two sentences without any explanation simply do not cut it.
People need proper closure in all endeavors, and I wanted to give it to myself and others. If everything goes well, I'll chime in with an update in half a year or so.

 

[universecannon]

Glad to hear there is some warm weather in your future! It takes courage to do what you're doing but it's undoubtedly worth it.

I will miss your perspective dearly and I hope to catch up again someday in the future

Wishing you and your mom the best

 

[doubledog]

Ime healing path very often includes period of inner activity which culminates in quite dark phase of emptiness or stagnation where only possibility or solution is to engage again in mundane and physical aspects of our lifes.
Good luck!

 

[new_science]

Aw man, I can respect your decision and accept it without liking it. I'm going to miss you!

Best of luck finding your new home, and may you have many enjoyable days in India on your way there. It makes me happy to know that you aren't averse to checking in with the nexus in the future, after you've settled and can report on the terra firma that you've found to call home.

I have had so much fun reading your posts and chatting with you, and would echo what others have said already. You have unique perspective that is valuable and thanks to your powers of articulation, easily appreciated by others. Don't forget it

 

[Icon]

I'll miss you, you've been a core member since I returned last year. See you around I'm sure.

Where are you from?

 

[ommani]

Thanks for writing out a goodbye and sharing your reflections @northape . You’ve had a positive impact on me, personally, and on this community, as a whole.

Traveling to India and moving to South America sounds amazing! It will be great to hear how it all goes for you, and a photo album would be awesome, as well.

Safe travels and happy trails to you, along the way.

 

[rkba]

The Plants showed you the cracks in the Ice and you thawed the River.

Flow, my friend, flow and enjoy the Flux!

Until we meet again, Namaste.

 

[Servant]

Have a good one northape!!

Be well always and enjoy your travels!!

Blessings

 

[AstraLex]

Hey northape,

Congratulations on your decision to stop doing DMT and to move one. From my own perspective the real journey begins when one stops doing the DMT and start to live the life. Are you planning to quit other psychedelic drugs, including weed, as well?

Also, why do you want to quit the Nexus community? Only because you stop doing the “medicine”? But your real journey is about to begin right now. It would be nice to hear from you, even occasionally. Like how do you do 1, 2, 5, 10 years after quitting the DMT? How is your life developing and how goes your spiritual growth? How did the “medicine” influence your life in retrospection? You know, this kind of stuff.

Godspeed!

 

[Valmar]

I'll focus on my immediate situation right now. We need to clear the house before selling it, and I should shift my focus from healing to mundane life. I was so into medicine that it became a part of my character. Healing is fine, but it's not an end goal. At some point, you should stand firm on your own two legs and continue on. Further, I feel like any deeper healing can only be done in a sober way by living your life and exploring it.

Frankly, sometimes, we need to retreat into ourselves for a time in order to find ourselves. Many ascetics did just that ~ lived alone for a while, maybe in a cave or something, meditating, looking within, to find themselves. It is part of the journey. The plant and mushroom teachers call us when they need to teach us, and then when we need to live in the world, to embody what we have learned, we do also need a break.

A good teacher knows when it is time to send their student on their way, to put in practice the teachings ~ the student cannot remain such forever, else they would never grow. But the teacher is always ready to receive us if we need to come back later. Such as with psychedelics ~ they call us back if they know we need their guidance.

At the end of my work with plants, I see no visions at all. There is no real shift into psychedelic space either. All I see when I use plants is a more loving, open space that is me. It's always here, and plants just relax you into it. There is no separate heavenly place you reach on psychedelics - it's all you. The only real problem we have is our definition of the self and our blind faith that it's the final truth. However, don't trust my words - go explore yourself.

In my experience, it may not be that the plants have nothing more. The plants know when we need to put the teachings in practice, so they show us nothing to give us a hint that they cannot give us the answers that only life can teach. But that doesn't mean that they won't call us back at a later date, when we have integrated their previous teachings, and so are ready for more growth.

The plants teach us how to seek within ~ but they know that they cannot hand-hold us, else we will never stand on our own. So we need to learn without the training wheels. But then, when we are ready, they can teach us further, when we have grown enough that they can actually show us something more that we previously couldn't know.

In my experience... the plants can show us a separate heavenly place ~ but they're just showing us how to get there. Once we know the destination, we can get there through sober meditation, because we know the address, so the speak.

Plants as teachers is the healthy way to look at them ~ as guides, who help us find the truth by giving us the tools we need.

Ayahuasca, at times, seemed to tell me, no more. But then later would call me back ~ I learned that it was just telling me that I needed to take a break, integrate, grow. Then come back when it is time, as Ayahuasca knew. Same with Psilocybin.

The spirits are wise, and know when to call us, when to send us away to grow, when to call us back for more, when ready.

Trust in the process ~ if there is no call, work on yourself. If there is a call, pick up the phone so to speak. There is never really a final goodbye ~ just them telling us in a way we can understand, to take a break until they call us again.

Eventually... we may even be able to reach out to them without psychedelics, as we have grown mentally to the point that we can do so.

If you ever need to come back to the forum, we're not going anywhere, so take a break, live, come back when needed.

 

[northape]

Thank you everyone for your warm wishes. I've learned a lot from each of you

Where are you from?

I'm originally from Belarus, but I've been living in Sweden for the past 20 years. Funny enough, I never planned to stay here. All I wanted was to get citizenship to be able to move around freely. However, one thing led to another and over 20 years have passed. I remember one time when I microdosed liberty caps and went for a walk near the city center. Right then and there, it suddenly dawned on me that I had moved to the North. I saw the steam coming out of the buildings and the purplish-red autumn sky. Somehow, that fact had never registered in my mind before, and I attributed most of my issues to myself. Anyone from the region would agree that local winters are brutal. Since we moved away from the city, I've realized that even brutal is an understatement. I've been living off plant medicines for the last 15 years. This work was first of all about survival for me.

Are you planning to quit other psychedelic drugs, including weed, as well?

I haven't smoked any weed in over 6 years. In the end, it was only giving me anxiety and a stupefying feeling. And yes, I plan to stay fully sober, with some occasional use of tobacco and yerba maté. These two work fine to get me moving and clear my head. I'm open to working with plants again if they come to me later in life.

Also, why do you want to quit the Nexus community? Only because you stop doing the “medicine”? But your real journey is about to begin right now. It would be nice to hear from you, even occasionally. Like how do you do 1, 2, 5, 10 years after quitting the DMT? How is your life developing and how goes your spiritual growth? How did the “medicine” influence your life in retrospection? You know, this kind of stuff.

I'm not really quitting, but I won't be active anymore. Honestly, I've started to misuse Nexus to distract myself from life. Yeah, my situation is hard at the moment, but I need to do something about it instead of looking away. I've been planning to move from here for over 5 years now. That should show you how stubborn I am. Right now, I am using all my accumulated dissatisfaction and rage as fuel to make it happen. Nexus gives me a semblance of a social circle, but none of you are right here with me. It's not a diss at anyone; it's just how my mind works. It's best that I focus on one thing and make it happen, no matter what it takes. Plant medicines, Sweden, and Nexus became intertwined in my mind too, and I need a clear cut from it all, at least for a while. That way, a new kind of relationship with life can develop. I need to start anew from a clean slate.

@Valmar I agree with every point you've made. Thanks for putting it all into words. I feel like my Nordic cycle of work is done and no further guidance is needed until I move away. I'd love to work with live plants in nature instead of importing dry ones across the globe. I'll go on my pilgrimage, move to a different country, and maybe something new will open for me. We do need to listen and apply the lessons in our lives, or it all becomes like a silly dream.