Have I accessed repressed memories/trauma?

[PureEvoke]

I'm an experienced psychadelic user via LSD, mushrooms, ketamine etc but I always held off DMT as I've had a strong internal feeling for over 8years that I had a message waiting for me in the DMT world. Recently the urge to get this potential message has increased dramatically so when the opportunity arose I tried some DMT crystal around 2 weeks ago.

I had a friend with me for my first experience and made sure I was relaxed (I played the band TOOL in the background) weighed out around 25mg and put it into a bong, I had three hits and instantly felt the effects coming on strong (I later realised there was some traces of DMT still in the bowl after so I made not of had a full 25mg). When the effects came on I kept my eyes open and instantly noticed the patterns on the wall in front of me simplfy and everything started to have a cartoon edge to it (I realise now I should have probably shut my eyes). I then felt my body was being streched completely back like a catapult at max tension and like I was about to launch through the wall in front of me but I think I mentally resisted and didn't close my eyes which is why I was never launched.

Here is where things start to get weird, immedietly as it came on and the walls started to change I instantly recognised the feeling of the DMT effects like I've felt this feeling many times before. I kept my eyes open for the duration of the trip but as soon as I recognised the feeling I felt myself transported to when I was around 4 years old (I can't explain how or why but I was just transported to that time). It was like I was looking down at my 4 year old self from a 3rd person perspective and I was sat on a sofa/couch, I vividly remember that the film "Yellow Submarine" by the Beatles was on the TV and specifically remember a song from the first TOOL album was playing at the time as well.

When I came around from the trip and things normalised I had the huge urge to cry and this has come on and off the past few days after taking it. To make things even weirder I looked at when the TOOL album that I would of been listening to was released and it was 1993 and I was born in 1989, this would of made me around 4 years old when this album came out. Straight after the trip I put on the film "Yellow Submarine" and within 5seconds of watching I was overcome with a strong sense of fear and sadness. If I try an access the memory or go through possible scenarios in my head it's just a blank space (I can picture the music, the sofa, me and the TV but the rest is a completely white space). I know something happened but there is no clarity in what it was.

Now I have a slight fear/anxiety about doing it again just from the potential feelings/memories I may encounter but I also want to have the full breakthrough experience. Also remember previously I stated that I've felt for around 8 years I had a message waiting for me in DMT land and have felt a spiritual pull to do it since then but as opposed to other drugs which I can sometimes get a bit silly with I have always had the upmost respect for DMT and have turned it down previously as it wasn't the right setting. Could the message/pull be from my spirit/consciousness being ready to access these potential memories?

Bare in mind I never even knew these memories existed until I did my first DMT experience. I keep trying to build myself up to just go for it and try to breakthrough but now it always feels like there is some kind of fear holding me back which I've never experienced before.

Any input, advice or similar experiences would be hugely appreciated, thanks.

 

[TheGreenPhantom]

A calling is a calling. You either pick up the phone or leave it alone.

If you have the space in your life to have a possibly unpleasant conversation with yourself, which may be intense but also revealing, pick up the phone. If not....

I prefer to be alone for these sorts of things, but if you're a social creature, have a friend trip-sit you. And let them know what you just let us know....

 

[PureEvoke]

Thanks for the response it's really appreciated. I definitely do want to pick up the phone, I think it's just the fear of what is at the other end but at the same time this means it's something I must encounter to grow I guess!

It does seem to have had an impact in my day to day life too as I've started actively working on myself to help prepare, but then at the same time I don't know if it just me building it up and my fear of the unknown when I just need to let go completely!?

 

[TheGreenPhantom]

If you have people you can talk to about whatever repressed memory turns up, or some other way to mentally process things, I think you should consider taking the plunge. But, you know – there's no rush. Only you know when the timing feels right.

 

[blig-blug]

There are many shades of grey when dealing with memories: sometimes images associated to a memory aren't the memory itself, but a more symbolic representation of aspects of it. Other times there are no images at all, and the memory consist on emotions, physical sensations, or patterns of though. And sometimes an apparent memory is not a memory at all but something calling attention to some aspect of your life now.

So my advice is to not think too much about whether the experience corresponds to actual memories or something else. It seems to be something important to you, so pay attention to it on its own terms. It's very likely that its nature and meaning become more clear with time as it's processed and integrated.

 

[CosmicRiver]

Wow. I'm sorry i have no advice to offer. Remember that whatever you've gone through at that age, you survived and lived your life until now. That being said, it's not easy to go through traumatic memories, as the brain blocks them for a reason, until we are safe enough to withstand them.
Plants seem to know better than us, and show us things when we are ready for them, but plants have their own definition of readiness. I think that the outcome of their action is measured over a longer time than the one we humans are accustomed to. Sometimes being ready means being able to withstand, not necessarily being ready to confront the things we are shown with serenity. Coming from a person with little patience but my advice is be patient. The breakthrough you want to have will come. If you feel the time is now then do it, but don't push yourself. I know there are grounding techniques used by people who go through traumatic memories, you could check. But i second the advice to have a loved one to tripsit you