Help me please (suicidal existentialism)

[Stormy Colt]

Okay, I don’t really know if this is the right place to be seeking guidance, but I just feel really really lost at the moment. I’m living in Scotland with my parents. I've taken DMT twice but never had a breakthrough. I lived in Australia for 6 months with my aunt and uncle and got back a month ago..

The thing about my problem is that it’s very complicated and I don’t really think any psychologists/psychiatrists are qualified to help me. I’m going through an existential depression. I’m a deep philosophical thinker and every second of the day I just can’t believe any of this is even real, and I hate generally how fucked up everything is and how docile people have been made by our corrupt criminal government. Why are the vast majority of people so blind? It’s like everyone is in some sort of trance or something.. I mean seriously, we’re a bunch of talking heads that are somehow able to interpret this ‘reality’, walking around doing random shit on this spinning rock we call the Earth which is flying through the universe at 700 million miles an hour. What the fuck? Why are people so preoccupied with such trivial bullshit like soap operas, game shows, celebrities, money, vanity, popularity etc that they never even stop and think about the big picture. I mean just look at yourself in the mirror, and think “What am I looking at?” Don’t tell me you know what all of this is because you don’t. You might fool yourself into thinking that you do if it helps you sleep at night, but you don’t know shit. “Keep calm and carry on.”

Our world is being run by criminals and the sad part is the majority think we are free because they operate in secret. They basically hijacked the financial system making it debt based and therefore hijacking the government. We’re all slaves with invisible handcuffs because there is more debt to these assholes than money to pay it back with (Look up fractional reserve lending because I don’t have time to explain it). I’m pretty sure we’re also headed into world war 3 pretty soon which is terrifying (Watch this

I’ve always wanted to help make a difference in my life but lately I’ve been struggling with my sanity. It all started before I went to Australia and I was at a party on mdma (ecstasy) and a switch just flipped in my brain and I’ve had so much weird shit happening to me lately that I cannot for the life of me explain. On that night (actually it was about 7 am when everyone was coming down, everyone started chanting in synchronous and I felt this weird unsettling sensation all throughout my body which cannot be described effectively in words.. It was like my whole being was being ripped apart. I was really freaked out at this point, but to make it even worse whenever I spoke to someone they would say whatever I was thinking.. How the fuck is that even possible? The next day I was the only one who could recall that hour, everyone else said that they blacked out at the same time and they all said something weird happened.

Ever since then, I’ve had all kinds of weird shit that I can’t explain like dreams where I’ve predicted the next day, and (this one sounds retarded but I’m definitely not imagining it) whenever I walk past lots of people, about one in 5 points their tongue at me and wriggles it around like a fucking freak. At first I thought I was imagining it but now it happens every time I go out and other people have noticed it around me too. Also I’m having terrible nightmares that are extremely vivid involving demons, witches, snakes etc. I’m starting to get used to all this crap but at the same time I want to kill myself. I hate going outside and being around people now and I feel like I’m literally cursed.

I’ve developed a serious drinking problem and I barely like leaving the house anymore unless I’m buying more alcohol. I drink at least a bottle of wine a day, sometimes two, which is way way above the recommended amount. I can’t sleep without it anymore.

My relationship with my parents is slowly declining as well. They want me to find a job but I can’t bear being around people anymore unless I’m drunk. Last night I decided to go out to the clubs and ended up spending all my money. It takes over an hour to walk home and it was freezing, so I called my mum and asked if she could pay for a taxi, and she said no.. I got about halfway and then saw a taxi and just thought fuck it. I got in and when I got home I went to my parents’ room to ask for the taxi money and my dad got really really pissed off and said no. I begged him because the taxi was sitting outside and I didn’t know what to do. That’s when he started getting physical and he hit me (Which is not like him at all) And I punched him in the face which made him fall to the ground. My mum decided to come down and pay for the taxi but I feel fucking awful. I feel trapped inside of my head, inside of this goddamn nightmare and I want to end it and kill myself, but I’m too scared to do it. I’ve never been so scared and I don’t know what to do.

I hate how reality is all in your head. According to Indian philosophy there are two realities; manifest and absolute. The absolute is the underlying reality of everything which you cannot directly experience, and manifest is your perception – your own little world which you can’t escape. Everything that you are seeing right now is simply an image in your mind based on your sensory input, and while things seem solid and physical, that is in fact still part of the illusion created by your mind. Just because as humans we are all experiencing the phenomena of solidarity/physicality doesn’t necessarily make that the true nature of the universe in which we find ourselves.

I scared that nobody has the answers. Sure you get deep thinkers who give it their best shot to try and figure life out but to no avail. For all we know, we could be some kind of alien experiment, or perhaps living in the matrix or perhaps something even more fucked up. I hate not knowing.

It’s getting harder and harder for me to relate to anything, and I don’t think anyone can help me which is the terrifying part.

Do you think I should take DMT again? I'm pretty sure it would either be the best thing ever or the worst thing possible for me right now.

 

[Stormy Colt]

[YOUTUBE]

This video conveys my emotional state right now

Also, I read this guys topic just below mine and he summed up how I feel right now

This continued until about a year ago, when I began suffering from solipsism syndrome. For those unfamiliar with the term, it's when a person comes to believe that the world around them is little more than a dream, and that nothing and no one in it actually exists in any real sense. In my current view of the world, every person I interact with is nothing more than a figurative sock puppet animated by my subconscious. This has lead to me withdrawing completely from the world as interacting with people actually makes me feel more lonely than just being alone does. To top it off I no longer have any drive or ambition, as I don't believe any of it matters.

The only emotions I seem to be able to feel anymore are anger at being stuck in this nightmare, and depression from the realization that I am alone in the universe. I feel like I'm walking on a narrow ledge separating two pits, and the longer I continue to move forward, the narrower the ledge becomes. If I were to fall into the one on my left, I'd go on a murderous rampage, ending only after a fatal confrontation with the police. Fall into the one on the right, and I'll just blow my own brains out. The only thing stopping me from doing either currently is I know that neither action will accomplish anything productive. I'll just wake up in a new dream with a new life, but I don't know how long that reason alone will stop me. After all, chances are upon waking within a new dream, I'd forget I was dreaming and could actually live a normal life again...

 

[Stormy Colt]

I just realized my link to the youtube video about WW3 didn't work s here it is again
[YOUTUBE]

 

[InMotion]

No matter what you think this life is, or your philosophy, if you are suicidal chances are somethings gone wrong.

Sounds like you are experiencing paranoid delusions, have adopted an alcohol addiction, and are really depressed. MDMA can trigger psychosis just like any other stimulant. I recommend seeking professional treatment.

Should you take DMT again? Not right now brother. Definitely not right now.

Sounds like the answers to the big questions in life have got you mixed up. Maybe there's no point in worrying about that stuff. Sounds to me like you have more personal issues you need to work on before you can even spend the time to attempt those things.

As far as how bad the world is, it would be beneficial to STOP watching the news including alternative news web-sites. At least for a while. The world really isn't as bad as your making it out to be. However, theres a whole lot more good going on then bad right now. Just the bad is more highly broad-casted.

Anyways it says you're 17. So you'll probably get banned. Suicidal help isn't something we can do too much for. Seek professional help, obviously your own methods are not working for you right now.

 

[expandaneum]

he Stormy Colt,

You need to find professional help now psychologists/psychiatrists are qualified to help you.
Also this is not the place to find this kind of help.

take care

 

[Jin]

everything will be better don't worry so much

don't consume any entheogens now , also try giving up alchol , i promise you things will be better , alchol is making it worse too

learn to relax and find fun things to do in life , life is awesome and grand , live it that awesome way and give it respect , you're alive and a highly sophisticated organism able to use language , computers and other high tech tools , its not that bad

we've got so much and life is already so beautiful

seek some professional help if you can and remember you're just 17 , things will be awesome as you grow more

edit : as things a little weird right now , learn to become a strong chilled out person , don't be afraid of the weird phenomenon happening to you just approach it with curious honesty , and let go of fear , aversion and all that

it will take some time , yet you'll be better
seek some professinal help and become more chilled out with your interaction with human beings , relax and learn to let go

don't drink alcohol , meditate on music rather than that , strengthen your mind and yourself

 

[The Neural]

Good and positive points from Jin.

Since you find yourself in the midst of existentialism issues, and understand the principal notion that everything we perceive is not the actual reality but mere interpretations of the brain, try to remember this :

Just because what we perceive right now are not accurate reflections of the world, that does not mean that a different set of stimuli as produced by a psychedelic experience, are any more representative of the "true" reality. It does not mean that what you are perceiving now is a "lie" and the "truth" is still out there to be found. You perceive what you need to perceive, and you may be carrying the psychedelic impressions back to this reality, overlapping each other.

Have a positive attitude, believe that this situation will go away, and definitely make an effort to seek professional help; it can have a tremendous impact on your current outlook on life.

 

[jamie]

no offence but your a drunk and you probly need people to tell you that. Having lots of experience with alcoholics in my family I can tell you that they can be unpleasant pain in the ass people to be around. That said I have compassion for you because this world is fucked up and I think lots of these problems we face are just reflections of that.

You have to stop drinking if you want anything to change. Noone is going to do that for you. It is going to take some balls and it will probly suck but thats life.

Sorry this is probly not what you want to hear but I am not going to make shit up or sugar coat things for you. Having to deal with alcoholics is just an annoying pain in the ass. It is not your parents or everyone elses fault that the world is this way now..it has been this way for far longer than anyone alive today has been around. Your going to have to pick yourself up from the gutter and figure something out. You dont want to be that drunk guy that everyone else has to take care of.

The world is not gunna change by your drinking..and neither will your world, other than just going downhill. What lifepath do you want to follow? What role do would you want to cultivate for yourself? One of a warrior?..one of a healer? ..or one of a beggar and a drunk?

Your switched onto just one reality man. You can change that if you so desire. The path you walk does not encompass the path to all the worlds that are out there to be walked.

 

[Jin]

i have to say drinking alcohol worsens psychosis , and causes further decline in mental health , most possibly every sip of alcohol is making you worse than you are

give up alcohol immediately and notice the benefits which you'll see in less than a week or might even happen in less than a day

alcohol is definetly making your condition worse , i have suffered from psychosis before and alcohol only made it worse , even cannabis is in the same boat , it can worsen psychosis too

and remember never consume any kind of amphetamine , even mdma , aphetamines are more prone to cause psychosis than any other substance out there

 

[null24]

It sounds like you are riding a perfect storm, one that could lead you into full blown psychosis. At your age,(I'm assuming here, that you are under 25) you are not out of the woods as far ass developing a pathology like that. The anecdote about the tongue wagging people had me concerned. That is a hallucination. That does not happen
And no, you definitely not need to shatter your mind with DMT of you are dealing with the things that you are.
You need help.
I understand you have a reluctance, you say y that professionals can't help you, is that because you don't feel you can tell them about your drug use?
I really think you have developed a fatalistic attitude, only seeing the dark side off this reality, when on truth there is much light. I am not familiar with the Aussie health care system, I do not know what you have available, but out sounds like you are on serious crisis, and it is affecting your family.
Please, you are going to have to muster up done fortitude to push through this.
Perhaps you have exacerbated some latent pathology, perhaps you just had a powerful experience that needs to be integrated.

 

[Nathanial.Dread]

During my late teens, I was in a very similar place (minus the alcoholism, but I substituted later with prescription pharms and ecstacy for a while), and the one thing I have to tell you (and you won't like to hear it) is that do not think that you are beyond 'ordinary' help.

I experienced it myself, and have seen it with a number of other individuals, all around the late teens/early twenties: the sense that the problems they are wrestling with are too "deep" and "existential" for a normal therapist to understand. The thing is, however, a lot of people have wrestled with the exact same problems, and come out of the other side fine. Some of it may be hormones, some of it may be transitions in life, some of it may be genuine mental disorder, but you are hardly unique. No more unique then I am.

That's the nice thing about the brain, IMHO. The philosophical, the spiritual, the divine are all really just physical exchanges happening in your head. I am confident that nothing you are going through is too complicated or abstracted that it cannot be helped by a trained professional and possibly a few months on an SSRI or antipsychotic.

I have been there. Please, give up alcohol as I guarantee that is only making matters worse, and talk to a professional therapist. Psychedelic exploration can come much later: you have your whole life for that and you're never too old to try them, but for now, get real help.

I'm pretty sure that right now, you want someone to say: "yeah man, just go vape a ton of spice, it'll be wicked," but you won't find that here on The Nexus.

Blessings
~ND

 

[Inner Paths]

Your switched onto just one reality man. You can change that if you so desire. The path you walk does not encompass the path to all the worlds that are out there to be walked.

Exactly what jamie said. We have no way of knowing if what we each perceive as individuals is a true reality or not but I sure do know one thing, that what you are perceiving in the right here, right now, is exactly what you get. That is our operating program. And you can change your perception and operating system of how the external information is creating your reality. Positive or negative. It can be really hard to flip from a negative state to a positive state, it'll take some serious work and persistence. And give up the booze as that will most definitely accentuate the negative.

A little thing that helped me when I had existential crises of my own was to take this stance: If so, so what? Instead of saying what if this reality is a simulation, say instead, so what if this reality is simulation?

We can't know for certain either way so why not try and make of it what you will, instead of worrying about the what if's, and treat life for what it is right in front of you and do the necessary changes to make it a better one if you are currently not in a good place. Easier said than done, I know, but when applied can make a huge difference IMO.

Lots of solid advice here from everyone, but it all starts from within yourself, no one else can do that for you. Be strong and persistent on this difficult journey and may you find peace within yourself.

Much love brother.

 

[quantic]

In a similar situation myself, living just outside Glasgow.
I'm noticing that everyone seems so content with the little things like "I have these material objects, and that makes my psychological process release a serotonergic response which makes me happy". I usually just sit in-doors on my computer these days, mainly because everyone likes to drink alcohol, smoke weed, an in general just be lazy as shit.
I went through my own breakdown just over a year ago and I'm only just beginning to get over it. Try to do something productive that will occupy your time and bring you happiness, I myself am going to be getting into programming for the quantic era that is slowly but surely coming, peace and love my brother

 

[The Traveler]

This topic is now locked.

All who are in this topics, please read this thread and read it well:
Medical emergency: what to do?

Look specifically at the don'ts since I see a lot of posts who are doing just that, e.g.: giving a person with serious mental health issues advice to dose or to visit a shaman.

Stormy Colt, you need serious professional help and that is something we cannot give at the DMT-Nexus. We can be a listening ear but I'm afraid that we can not help you any further here except keep telling the tantra that you need to seek professional help.


Kind regards,

The Traveler