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I want to share an experience wherein I was convinced I had died and then returned, and I’m posting because I’d really like to hear from anyone who has had something genuinely similar — especially if you’ve had an “I died and came back” type of experience and it changed your mental health and/or outlook toward the world afterward.
For context, I’ve had a long history of depression and suicidal ideation. I had also been on venlafaxine for a long time and had previously been on mirtazapine. I have also been on beta-blockers for a number of years, and on a THC prescription for 6 months — both oil, as a daily use item, and a vape on an as-needed basis. I first tried DMT the night I stopped taking mirtazapine (with psychiatric support). Other than my heart racing and profuse sweating, it had no effect on me. I tried DMT again a couple of week later and, for the first time, started to get some effects. What stood out was that instead of colorful or euphoric visuals, I kept getting dark geometric shapes / dark entity-like forms that seemed to shift and change — everything was black, but these shapes were darker than black but still visible to my mind's eye. A few weeks later I tried mushrooms and got something very similar: again, dark geometric shapes shifting and changing.
I found, thanks to this forum, that DMT and shrooms act on the 5-HT2A receptors, which I now knew were impacted by the antidepressant medication I was on. My only hope was a psychedelic that does not impact the same receptors — Salvia Divinorum. I had also been taking 5-HTP for a couple of weeks by now. I normally do some breathwork, so I’m aware of my breathing patterns and how my body feels when my breathing changes. As I am hypertensive and take beta-blockers regularly, I feel very attuned to changes in my body — especially my heart rate and increases to it.
Going into the experience, I had set my goals (as I had done on previous occasions). I hoped the trip would either:
- show me a positive version of my future that I could work toward, or
- show me that non-existence (not just death) was the answer — specifically, not existing in any afterlife or form that might be “out there,” or just ending the existence of my consciousness.
On the momentous night, I ate a boiled egg (in line with @stuartroelke 's salvia oral administration guide) and smoked salvia extract (5x) about 130 mg, expecting an effect, but nothing happened. After 30 minutes had passed, I ate the second boiled egg. When 30 minutes were up, I chugged down 180mg of salvia and smoked another joint with 170mg of salvia. Still, nothing happened. But an urge to masturbate took over. After I was done, in my head I marked it down as a failed trip and went to lie in bed naked with a sheet covering me, hoping to fall asleep.
Just wanting to push the boundaries to make sure this trip was indeed a failure, I decided to vape some of my DMT while I laid in bed with no lights or sound, hoping something might happen. I thought to myself, I don't care what I see — positive, negative, ego death, whatever — I want it. I just wanted either a version of my future that I could work toward (giving me hope), or to stop existing as a consciousness (in any form, in any life or afterlife). I kept my tokes in for at least 30 seconds. After a few tokes, things started to happen in my mind's eye. The dark geometric shapes appeared again and then, just like that, they were gone. I was then faced with what I can only describe as a black-hole-like entity spinning counter-clockwise (in 2D — like a moving picture, and not 3D) in a completely dark place.
I could see the only way now was to become a part of this black hole and give up my consciousness. So I did the hardest thing I have ever had to do — I gave up my consciousness — in order to become a part of this black hole, either still as a separate consciousness that lived inside the black hole, or to dissolve my consciousness into this black hole. I had been wanting to be removed from existence for quite some time now, so I knew this was the moment. I said to myself, "This is the moment," "I die now," "I give up my earthly bonds with my family and the world," "I choose to let go of my consciousness." In that moment I first felt piercing heartache followed by a sense of being at peace. It wasn’t fear. I had already chosen to stop breathing and was actively holding my breath, and to my surprise, I was able to do so without much difficulty.
I remember seeing the faces of my family and a few others right before I dissolved into a black hole. I don't remember being part of the black hole or whether the dissolution process was complete. The next thing I knew, I was in my bed. My breathing and heart rate felt completely normal, but I was absolutely convinced that I had died and come back to life.
The next thing I remember thinking was that this was something extraordinary that hadn't happened to me before, or maybe to many other humans. At the very least, I knew this was an ego-death or an NDE which made me feel special — maybe I am the next prophet or the messiah, or maybe I am nothing. But I needed to tell the whole world about this experience, and the first person I wanted to tell was my wife. As she was in a different room, I got up and started walking toward her. On the way there, I saw my son sleeping in his room. I stopped and thought to myself that this experience was so important that I must share it with the first person I see, and so I entered my kid's room, naked and unaware. I found myself screaming on the top of my lungs, waking the kids up. My wife immediately came in, saw me, got a sheet to cover me, and took me to our room. She consoled the children (they have been through quite a lot due to my poor mental health over the last few years). Afterward, during what she tells me was more than 45 minutes of distorted speech trying to explain what had happened (which thankfully she has on video) and lots of suicidal talk ("I want to die," "today is the day my kids will see their father take a kitchen knife and end himself," "this is my physical end and hopefully I will go back to the black hole and I am not afraid of dying," "physical pain is just a sensation," "only dissolution of my consciousness awaits me," etc).
Since then (it's only been just over 2 days), my depression seems to have gone. I have a natural smile on my face. I went out playing football with the kids, something I haven't done in at least 4 years. I peeled and ate a raw onion, something I would never ever have done, even under the fear of death. I listen to music differently; I get in the flow and really enjoy it now. I feel the sunshine on my face and love the feeling of warmth that I get. I have zero urge to have THC in any form anymore and have stopped taking the daily THC oil, and feel no need to vape it either. I feel like my depression is gone. I want to get healthy. I want to repair the relationship with anyone who I have wronged or who I think has wronged me. And I just want everyone to be happy.
I don't know whether this was ego-death, a near-death experience, or just a perception in my head that I died and came back. But whatever happened, I think this experience gave me what I have been looking for for many years. Although letting go of my consciousness and choosing to no longer exist was the hardest thing I felt like I have ever had to do, I feel I am willing to do it again under the right circumstances. In my head I died and then came back. If I die again I will either not return to my body and cease to exist as a consciousness, or return again with a renewed enthusiasm toward life — both of which I accept happily.
I want to share an experience wherein I was convinced I had died and then returned, and I’m posting because I’d really like to hear from anyone who has had something genuinely similar — especially if you’ve had an “I died and came back” type of experience and it changed your mental health and/or outlook toward the world afterward.
For context, I’ve had a long history of depression and suicidal ideation. I had also been on venlafaxine for a long time and had previously been on mirtazapine. I have also been on beta-blockers for a number of years, and on a THC prescription for 6 months — both oil, as a daily use item, and a vape on an as-needed basis. I first tried DMT the night I stopped taking mirtazapine (with psychiatric support). Other than my heart racing and profuse sweating, it had no effect on me. I tried DMT again a couple of week later and, for the first time, started to get some effects. What stood out was that instead of colorful or euphoric visuals, I kept getting dark geometric shapes / dark entity-like forms that seemed to shift and change — everything was black, but these shapes were darker than black but still visible to my mind's eye. A few weeks later I tried mushrooms and got something very similar: again, dark geometric shapes shifting and changing.
I found, thanks to this forum, that DMT and shrooms act on the 5-HT2A receptors, which I now knew were impacted by the antidepressant medication I was on. My only hope was a psychedelic that does not impact the same receptors — Salvia Divinorum. I had also been taking 5-HTP for a couple of weeks by now. I normally do some breathwork, so I’m aware of my breathing patterns and how my body feels when my breathing changes. As I am hypertensive and take beta-blockers regularly, I feel very attuned to changes in my body — especially my heart rate and increases to it.
Going into the experience, I had set my goals (as I had done on previous occasions). I hoped the trip would either:
- show me a positive version of my future that I could work toward, or
- show me that non-existence (not just death) was the answer — specifically, not existing in any afterlife or form that might be “out there,” or just ending the existence of my consciousness.
On the momentous night, I ate a boiled egg (in line with @stuartroelke 's salvia oral administration guide) and smoked salvia extract (5x) about 130 mg, expecting an effect, but nothing happened. After 30 minutes had passed, I ate the second boiled egg. When 30 minutes were up, I chugged down 180mg of salvia and smoked another joint with 170mg of salvia. Still, nothing happened. But an urge to masturbate took over. After I was done, in my head I marked it down as a failed trip and went to lie in bed naked with a sheet covering me, hoping to fall asleep.
Just wanting to push the boundaries to make sure this trip was indeed a failure, I decided to vape some of my DMT while I laid in bed with no lights or sound, hoping something might happen. I thought to myself, I don't care what I see — positive, negative, ego death, whatever — I want it. I just wanted either a version of my future that I could work toward (giving me hope), or to stop existing as a consciousness (in any form, in any life or afterlife). I kept my tokes in for at least 30 seconds. After a few tokes, things started to happen in my mind's eye. The dark geometric shapes appeared again and then, just like that, they were gone. I was then faced with what I can only describe as a black-hole-like entity spinning counter-clockwise (in 2D — like a moving picture, and not 3D) in a completely dark place.
I could see the only way now was to become a part of this black hole and give up my consciousness. So I did the hardest thing I have ever had to do — I gave up my consciousness — in order to become a part of this black hole, either still as a separate consciousness that lived inside the black hole, or to dissolve my consciousness into this black hole. I had been wanting to be removed from existence for quite some time now, so I knew this was the moment. I said to myself, "This is the moment," "I die now," "I give up my earthly bonds with my family and the world," "I choose to let go of my consciousness." In that moment I first felt piercing heartache followed by a sense of being at peace. It wasn’t fear. I had already chosen to stop breathing and was actively holding my breath, and to my surprise, I was able to do so without much difficulty.
I remember seeing the faces of my family and a few others right before I dissolved into a black hole. I don't remember being part of the black hole or whether the dissolution process was complete. The next thing I knew, I was in my bed. My breathing and heart rate felt completely normal, but I was absolutely convinced that I had died and come back to life.
The next thing I remember thinking was that this was something extraordinary that hadn't happened to me before, or maybe to many other humans. At the very least, I knew this was an ego-death or an NDE which made me feel special — maybe I am the next prophet or the messiah, or maybe I am nothing. But I needed to tell the whole world about this experience, and the first person I wanted to tell was my wife. As she was in a different room, I got up and started walking toward her. On the way there, I saw my son sleeping in his room. I stopped and thought to myself that this experience was so important that I must share it with the first person I see, and so I entered my kid's room, naked and unaware. I found myself screaming on the top of my lungs, waking the kids up. My wife immediately came in, saw me, got a sheet to cover me, and took me to our room. She consoled the children (they have been through quite a lot due to my poor mental health over the last few years). Afterward, during what she tells me was more than 45 minutes of distorted speech trying to explain what had happened (which thankfully she has on video) and lots of suicidal talk ("I want to die," "today is the day my kids will see their father take a kitchen knife and end himself," "this is my physical end and hopefully I will go back to the black hole and I am not afraid of dying," "physical pain is just a sensation," "only dissolution of my consciousness awaits me," etc).
Since then (it's only been just over 2 days), my depression seems to have gone. I have a natural smile on my face. I went out playing football with the kids, something I haven't done in at least 4 years. I peeled and ate a raw onion, something I would never ever have done, even under the fear of death. I listen to music differently; I get in the flow and really enjoy it now. I feel the sunshine on my face and love the feeling of warmth that I get. I have zero urge to have THC in any form anymore and have stopped taking the daily THC oil, and feel no need to vape it either. I feel like my depression is gone. I want to get healthy. I want to repair the relationship with anyone who I have wronged or who I think has wronged me. And I just want everyone to be happy.
I don't know whether this was ego-death, a near-death experience, or just a perception in my head that I died and came back. But whatever happened, I think this experience gave me what I have been looking for for many years. Although letting go of my consciousness and choosing to no longer exist was the hardest thing I felt like I have ever had to do, I feel I am willing to do it again under the right circumstances. In my head I died and then came back. If I die again I will either not return to my body and cease to exist as a consciousness, or return again with a renewed enthusiasm toward life — both of which I accept happily.
