I'm not usually one for writing trip reports, but I just gotta talk about this one. I consider myself a fairly experienced psychonaut with a variety of substances, and I have probably hundreds of DMT experiences including some pretty strong visionary and personally profound breakthroughs. Even on some very high doses of LSD+Mushrooms or mescaline (often combined with DMT), I feel like I've only had a glimpse of real ego death until last night.
MDMA and DMT are an incredible combination for me. The euphoria of MDMA with the psychedelic properties of DMT are just magical to me. Plus, the shorter lived nature of DMT compared to LSD or Mushrooms makes the ability to trip during my roll more controllable and manageable. I was having an unbelievably fantastic time. I mean, sheer joy. I was dancing around the fire in my backyard and in my living room, just in the absolutely perfect zone. I was ripping enhanced leaf and ecig/djuice at low to moderate doses, just perfect for dancing and adding psychedelia to my roll.
The ecig/djuice setup is where my story comes in. I am experienced using emesh with measured doses, and also with enhanced leaf. However, I just recently made my first batch of djuice and haven't really experimented with it, so this was my first time using like an ecig/juice setup to vape DMT. I started pretty small, especially since I was rolling and was primarily using DMT to enhance and add psychedelia to the experience as opposed to sitting and working with DMT for its own sake.
About 2 hours into my roll, while peaking, I was having an utterly fantastic time (as one does). I was getting more comfortable with the djuice, and I took a few stronger hits, and found a pretty intense yet highly enjoyable level. After coming down from this round, I decided to go again, and took the first big hit. I felt good, and went for a follow up hit, and this is where shit got real. I think I felt a bit invincible, and went pretty hard on the second hit, harder than I had intended to. As soon as I released the button and the vapor hit my lungs, I knew I was in for in.
For a short, but incredibly real moment, I thought I had died. This was the first time I've ever felt anything like that. It was terrifying. I mean, on a large dose of LSD, I once experienced what it would be like to die, but I didn't think I had died. Reality just split wide open, and I was in a completely other dimension just standing in my living room. There was absolutely no sound. Like, I had music on, but I couldn't hear it. I lost myself and all knowledge about what I'd just been and done. A lot of people talk about ego death as this timeless eternal feeling, but for me, this moment was actually quite brief. However, it had a truly profound impact on me and was unlike any other experience I've ever had on psychedelics. I came back to my senses after just a minute or so, and the next thought I had was something along the lines of, "oh no, what did I do," followed by saying to myself, "you're not going to die." Saying that out loud grounded me a bit, and took some of the fear away. I sat down and rode it out, and in less than 5 minutes my anxiety began to dissipate, and though I was still completely melting face, I began coming back to a realm I was more comfortable with. I put the DMT away for the night, with a newfound respect and fear, and after 15 minutes or so was able to enjoy the rest of my roll.
I've done some pretty high doses of DMT and other substances, but I never want to go back to the place I so briefly was last night. On the other hand, it was actually truly incredible, and I'm not sure how to process it. I've read a lot about ego death, and my experiences have never quite matched some of those I've read in which your sense of self feels obliterated for eternity. Before last night, I would have said I'd like to experience that someday, but now I'm not so sure. In fact I'm fairly confident I don't, even though it's been one of my greatest interests in my work with psychedelics.
In hindsight, I also feel the need to attribute the fear and terror of the experience to the situation, and I wonder had the situation been different, if I could have experienced that place without the terror. For one, I was using the djuice/ecig setup for the first time; and, being used to controlling my doses carefully using emesh, the djuice setup is much more imprecise and unpredictable, and my lack of experience using it certainly contributed to my not knowing when enough was enough for the moment. The second thing was that I was using DMT to add psychedelia to and enhance my roll, not the other way around. In other words, the roll had been my primary objective that night, not the DMT. I'm left wondering if I had been sitting to do deep DMT work and prepared myself mentally to push into those zones instead of kind of winging it while rolling my face off, if maybe I could have gone there without being so terrified (as that would have been part of my intention). The lack of intention, I think, contributed greatly to the fear of the moment.
I still have a curiosity about high level ego death, but in all my psychedelic use, that was the most scared I've ever been. As things go though, other than that, it was honestly one of my best nights of drug use, pretty much ever. I'll continue to use DMT and MDMA together, it's a truly beautiful combination, and I will continue to try and deeply explore DMT on its own under those intentions at the right times. But I need some time to process this one. Thanks for listening.
MDMA and DMT are an incredible combination for me. The euphoria of MDMA with the psychedelic properties of DMT are just magical to me. Plus, the shorter lived nature of DMT compared to LSD or Mushrooms makes the ability to trip during my roll more controllable and manageable. I was having an unbelievably fantastic time. I mean, sheer joy. I was dancing around the fire in my backyard and in my living room, just in the absolutely perfect zone. I was ripping enhanced leaf and ecig/djuice at low to moderate doses, just perfect for dancing and adding psychedelia to my roll.
The ecig/djuice setup is where my story comes in. I am experienced using emesh with measured doses, and also with enhanced leaf. However, I just recently made my first batch of djuice and haven't really experimented with it, so this was my first time using like an ecig/juice setup to vape DMT. I started pretty small, especially since I was rolling and was primarily using DMT to enhance and add psychedelia to the experience as opposed to sitting and working with DMT for its own sake.
About 2 hours into my roll, while peaking, I was having an utterly fantastic time (as one does). I was getting more comfortable with the djuice, and I took a few stronger hits, and found a pretty intense yet highly enjoyable level. After coming down from this round, I decided to go again, and took the first big hit. I felt good, and went for a follow up hit, and this is where shit got real. I think I felt a bit invincible, and went pretty hard on the second hit, harder than I had intended to. As soon as I released the button and the vapor hit my lungs, I knew I was in for in.
For a short, but incredibly real moment, I thought I had died. This was the first time I've ever felt anything like that. It was terrifying. I mean, on a large dose of LSD, I once experienced what it would be like to die, but I didn't think I had died. Reality just split wide open, and I was in a completely other dimension just standing in my living room. There was absolutely no sound. Like, I had music on, but I couldn't hear it. I lost myself and all knowledge about what I'd just been and done. A lot of people talk about ego death as this timeless eternal feeling, but for me, this moment was actually quite brief. However, it had a truly profound impact on me and was unlike any other experience I've ever had on psychedelics. I came back to my senses after just a minute or so, and the next thought I had was something along the lines of, "oh no, what did I do," followed by saying to myself, "you're not going to die." Saying that out loud grounded me a bit, and took some of the fear away. I sat down and rode it out, and in less than 5 minutes my anxiety began to dissipate, and though I was still completely melting face, I began coming back to a realm I was more comfortable with. I put the DMT away for the night, with a newfound respect and fear, and after 15 minutes or so was able to enjoy the rest of my roll.
I've done some pretty high doses of DMT and other substances, but I never want to go back to the place I so briefly was last night. On the other hand, it was actually truly incredible, and I'm not sure how to process it. I've read a lot about ego death, and my experiences have never quite matched some of those I've read in which your sense of self feels obliterated for eternity. Before last night, I would have said I'd like to experience that someday, but now I'm not so sure. In fact I'm fairly confident I don't, even though it's been one of my greatest interests in my work with psychedelics.
In hindsight, I also feel the need to attribute the fear and terror of the experience to the situation, and I wonder had the situation been different, if I could have experienced that place without the terror. For one, I was using the djuice/ecig setup for the first time; and, being used to controlling my doses carefully using emesh, the djuice setup is much more imprecise and unpredictable, and my lack of experience using it certainly contributed to my not knowing when enough was enough for the moment. The second thing was that I was using DMT to add psychedelia to and enhance my roll, not the other way around. In other words, the roll had been my primary objective that night, not the DMT. I'm left wondering if I had been sitting to do deep DMT work and prepared myself mentally to push into those zones instead of kind of winging it while rolling my face off, if maybe I could have gone there without being so terrified (as that would have been part of my intention). The lack of intention, I think, contributed greatly to the fear of the moment.
I still have a curiosity about high level ego death, but in all my psychedelic use, that was the most scared I've ever been. As things go though, other than that, it was honestly one of my best nights of drug use, pretty much ever. I'll continue to use DMT and MDMA together, it's a truly beautiful combination, and I will continue to try and deeply explore DMT on its own under those intentions at the right times. But I need some time to process this one. Thanks for listening.
