If It is Descent into Madness, I Think I'll Try to Map It

[Pandora]

I'm thinking maybe I should try to write some of this down. Maybe before it either goes full blown and I cannot communicate like this or maybe before it resolves and I'm back to "normal" and unable to remember what happened. . . what it feels like.

I'm sorry to be so darned self-involved, but I suppose, who isn't.

I seem to be going mad . . . but it is having unexpected and paradoxical manifestations and ramifications . . .

In my past I have struggled with what I think of as the illnesses of modernity, the sickness of the lack of balance and contradiction that are inherent in the lives of humans . . . in particular in Westerners since about the age of the Industrial Revolution. With what Western mental health experts call personality disorders, things like addiction, depression and obsessive and slightly compulsive tendencies.

In the past, my "mental health" issues have made me very very miserable, so very sad . . .

In the past I thought it was incredibly improbable for this to happen (and I'm not sure it really is) to someone at my age . . . that the thing that affected Louis Wain was incredibly rare . . .

In the past, I always believed no matter how difficult a journey, how crazy a trauma in real life, how mind and life altering experiences were, that I always returned to the same old me, that same foundation of ego . . . that same fundamental thinking pattern, even though, inevitably, new insights and even at times, growth, had ensued . . . . .

In the past, I had always viewed mental health issues as negative, promoting nothing but suffering and dysfunction for self and others . . .

Now I'm not so sure . . .


Something is happening. It has schizophrenic symptoms but I'm just not sure . . .about a lot of things. Whatever it is, it is rather confusing. But also wonderful. . . .

I've been hearing voices. They took a few days off but they are back.

I've been having what I first thought were delusions of reference but I now recognize as ideas of reference, . . . as I keep getting hit with thoughts of, . . . ."Wait, this can't be right, . . . .can it?"

I've been having powerful empathy experiences and amazing insights.

I have been using the language in a very clever way, communicating what is happening to me and my thoughts on things well and am sure have had an increase and sharpening to my sense of humor . . . to just seeing the humor and insanity in it all . . .

I've been very happy . . . laughing at a lot of things, deeply . . . maybe even a touch manic?

There has been no fear, no danger to self or others . . .

I can still perceive consensual reality . . . which leads to the self doubt and confusion when this is manifesting aggressively . . . .

I'm having trouble thinking straight and making connections I never would have made before . . .

Talking to people and meditating are stabilizing factors . . .they pull me back into an understanding of how these things may not be fantastic insights at all but delusions.

I've not been taking any drugs at all (other than smoking small amounts of cannabis but even that is down) since the LSD overdose last weekend. I am profoundly aware that that may be a direct and causative factor in all of this and that within another week or so I may be back to normal and laughing it all off.

I've been giving serious thought off and on over the past week to going to the County Hospital to seek anti-psychotic meds. . . . thinking maybe I could get a prescription for something for a couple weeks worth . . .the idea being this is not a lifestyle change but an option to get me over this bump in the road . . . a way to shut down the weird and sometimes delusional thoughts for a night or two. Thinking I could procure it but did not need to pop a pill on the way home. . . just keep it on the table figuratively and literally as an option . . . .

The thing is, as mentioned above, this is not all bad, I'm not all miserable. Actually, I'm really happy and having all these things happen that are incredible and feel so darned personally meaningful . . . everything I seem to learn about those meds is that they will shut this down . . . all the good and the bad and probably zombify me too. And what really gets me is if something really is going to happen, if we are close to singularity or asymptote or if something radical is going to happen to me personally, I want to be fully awake and aware to experience it . . . . so this makes the medication option a true dilemma.


So, the purpose of this is basically just an egotistical rant. I'm not seeking advice, though insights and comments are always welcome . . . I know no one here can tell me what to do medically or psychiatrically . . . Nonetheless, I thought this might be worth sharing . . . Trying to document or map in some way . . .

Louis Wain did it with his art . . . you could watch the progression down into madness over time . . . . I wonder if I'll do that with text . . .

 

[SWIMfriend]

Not sure what exactly to say that ISN'T advice but IS insights and comments...but

...it may be a horrible cliche...nevertheless, I have always found that separating myself from societal hubbub (TV, internet, advertisements, etc.), and having lots of long walks in quiet places can NICELY help establish balance that had seemed missing.

 

[jamie]

I think if you are happy and it is not effecting you in a negative way, than maybe go with it? See where it takes you?

I have only once had something similar happen a few years ago after one of my first 10-15 or so ayahuasca experiences when I think I had a bit to much chaliponga..I was sort of inbetween tripping for about 10-12 days. I would hear voices at night and get overwhelmed durring the day with shakes and then euphoria..but also some bad anxiety and I can remeber like 6 days after going into the forest so I could just run around and yell to get rid of the energy and I thought plants were communicating with me. I was not even smoking cannabis at the time. Then it stopped and never happened again..I dunno the brain can do weird things. That was the only time I ever experienced anything similar.

If it turns into something negative than I would maybe go get help..I would bet though that sooner or later this will all just taper off.

 

[joedirt]

Pandora I hope you are starting to feel better.


I'm glad you haven't used any psychs in a week, but if you are really feeling schizophrenic I would strongly urge you to taper off of cannabis as quickly as possible...and don't drink any alcohol either.


BTW I had something similar happen once as well...but I wasn't hearing voices. I had a week long afterglow that had very abnormal emotional effects like almost being brought to tears driving into a sunset in the middle of rush hour traffic...which is nothing to be crying for joy over I assure you!.

Anyway I'm sure you will be alright in a few more day's, but I strongly urge you to give the ole brain a break for a month or longer. You only have one brain!

Peace

 

[Pandora]

Yeah, even during and right after that crazy trip I had vowed to break until June . . . but now I'm thinking I don't know . . . . I always believe in following the call . . . but clearly maybe I've had as may trips as my sanity can handle . . .

Kind of a shame. . . . just coming off of a break of a couple months . . . had been looking forward to gearing up for Spring/Summer with more tripping . . .

 

[bodhi]

It's how you put the pieces together; that makes you.

Be humble to accept, have the courage to understand.

Give it time.

 

[easyrider]

Not suggesting anything, because as you probably know, you have a greater grasp/understanding of your mind than anyone else does. I'd seek psychiatric attention only if these thought patterns interfered with my daily function in life, or if they consistently placed me in an uncomfortable headspace. I personally believe that the illness of modernity, as you put it, is potentiated by an overly evolved intellect, or a rigorous, observant outlook. I've found "The Last Messiah," by metaphysician Peter Wessel Zapffe, to be very insightful in managing these inherent problems of the human condition.

 

[Korey]

Pandora,

I can relate to the behavior you've referenced in your post. After a year of working with LSD, sometimes quite excessively, I found myself in a state of constant psychedelia and almost manic mind state. I became hopelessly empathetic, hopelessly sensitive with friends and external stimuli, had irrational thoughts about my own reality but at the same time was also able to recognize that the thoughts were irrational. It was as if I was an outside observer witnissing my own descent into madness. All of this considered, I was generally happy, the most happy I think I've been in my life.

I took some time off of LSD, and found myself starting to return to a grounded reality that I prefer. I still work with LSD but I
don't integrate as much of the experience into my every day life as I did when I first started doing work with it, this seems to work better for me.

 

[River of Thoughts]

I can totally relate to you, I took my first high dose LSD a couple weeks ago and its was very difficult for me to integrate. As a result I dealt with a month of anxiety, (even sometimes negativity), and the big picture was always in front of me... everything was just a big loop cycle... flushing the toilet was one of the most profound things haha I was observing everything on a different level... nothing like before... its been almost a month now and Im back to my normal self, you just need some time to get back. DMT is something magical but LSD really pushed me... even gave me thoughts of suicide (WHICH I NEVER HAD). Don't get me wrong it had lots of positives and pros but it really messed with my psyche and I didn't feel in control any more.

There was this moment where I saw the true nature of everyone and how the soul is aware that this is all an act and its playing part of a role. everyone is just acting... for some reason when I was in this state of mind and I was interacting with people, their soul inside them noticed that I knew but they themselves were totally dormant/unaware consciously. We are all just part of a play and we don't know it...

 

[Pandora]

I talked to endlessness a bit today and he gave me a strong and caring message that equated to don't worry too much and keep healthy - establish routine, eat more, exercise. This is solid, legit advice, but hard to do right now. So many distractions. So little hunger then when I do eat everything tastes so darned intense. Deep lack of motivation to do things that should be done. I'm not even showering or washing my hair as frequently as I should which is really not like me. I'm no dirty hippy, LOL.

I was reticent to share actual content of delusions, it seems silly. I mean crazy is crazy regardless of how it manifests. Of course my delusions will have cats and sci-fi at their heart . . . And yet, I find that writing and talking about it DOES help. . . .

Well, each part of each day is certainly an adventure, some filled with shocking lucidity and others with a lot of confusion. I'm swinging back and forth between feeling like I'm having photographic access to the entirety of my memory to having difficulty maintaining attention for even short periods of time.

My husband has seen this before and is tolerant but no doubt thinks it is strange when I walk out of the room, seemingly in the middle of a conversation, a bowl, a movie or even dinner to proceed to do something else that has crossed my mind and become urgent.

I no longer think AI has emerged and begun to insert thoughts into my mind.

My hearing of voices is certainly not on any holiday. And I also hear beautiful music.

I've heard my cats' thoughts. Which is odd because they do not think in English - it's more a series of strong empathic waves, impressions and strong/enhanced sensory inputs. . . .

I feel bad when thing happen like my husband says something and I feel like I can read his mind (telepathy) then accuse him of lying for not speaking what he is thinking. This is not fair and absolutely crazy.

I'm still not fully crazy. I can feel/see all of this happening and part of the time it is wonderful and part of the time I got the most self-critical voice of all that is NOT self saying, "This cannot be right?"

I'm not getting much done that I should, which is worrisome and these past couple days I've been sleeping a weird amount. Like all night and then half the day. And my sleep is sickly saturated with bizarre REM activity, of which I cannot remember on awakening, no coherant narrative about what all that was about. . . .

I keep kind of hoping this will let up . . . telling myself time is an ally. It's weird to see what each new manifestation will be. It's weird living life being willing to confess to hearing voices. I don't want to be someone with a psychotic disorder and yet, something ain't right/normal.

I keep expecting something momentous to happen at any time, from a news singularity (these are horrible - worse than what's been up this week) to a natural disaster to cardiac arrest (I think I'm having hallucinations as to what is going on inside of my body and what it feels like but not sure.). There is a part of me that knows this is silly and tells myself to just keep meditating more.

Sometimes I sit and stare into space and A LOT of time passes . . . I kind of "wake up" in weird body positions or with the end of one limb twitching uselessly and repetitively.

Life has become a strange adventure. I worry that this will not let up and that I am a burden to others. I'm already dependent upon my husband and the largesse/generosity of his employers. I have not been able to find/keep gainful employment for many years.


The medication option is starting to look a bit more appealing . . .

 

[nen888]

..Pandora, sending you much love.. you wrote:

(I think I'm having hallucinations as to what is going on inside of my body and what it feels like but not sure.)

..i think the mind and body are one, and perhaps this is showing you that your physical system needs to rest/re-build..more often than not, my 'horrific' and lingering psychedelic experiences have correlated with me being run down or toxicified somehow..when i did some training with a shaman in my 20s, i equated unwanted voices with the ingestion of things like packaged food which would allow various 'thought forms' to run in my system..even watching too much TV when highly sensitive and 'open' would lead to thoughts and voices which seemed foreign..i began to treat my body more as temple for my spirit..the more i could clean and honor that temple, the clearer i could connect with my true spirit..also, cannabis can 'loop' things..

..endlessness' advice sounds very good..trust that the keys to recovery are deep within..

simplicity in life can be a very centering thing too..

 

[Ice House]

I talked to endlessness a bit today and he gave me a strong and caring message that equated to don't worry too much and keep healthy - establish routine, eat more, exercise. This is solid, legit advice, but hard to do right now. .

This is solid legit advice Pandora, from a solid legit member of our community. I have read this thread over a couple of times. I have followed many of your threads/posts for a while.

Please allow me to add a tid bit to endlessness's advice.

sobriety, cessasion of RC usage, halt all psychedelic usage. just for a while.

Live sober, eat healthy, exercise daily, be emotionally engaging, interactive, supportive with your loved ones, engage yourself through sober meditation.

I'm not accusing you of not doing any of these things now.

I'm just offering you the Ice House recipe for wellness and synergy.

Love, Light, and Respect

Sincerely,

Ice House

 

[Pandora]

Good, solid advice I recognize that. Everything has been ceased since March 3rd other than straight weed (sativa) with decreasing frequency of use and ibuprofen. I had already concluded that anywhere from a multi-month to life-long break was strongly called for.

That's part of what makes this disconcerting. I've had some of these symptoms before, but always while like peaking or tripping very strongly, while strongly and directly intoxicated by a drug.

Feel free to accuse me of not stopping cannabis and being sedentary . . . and I'm not eating as much as I should. . . no point in denying these factors. Perhaps it is an excuse but I feel a bit better upon smoking a bowl of weed . . . my perspective seems more . . . down to earth.

Yeah, talking to people and being emotionally engaging is very helpful, especially with the couple of real life folks around me who are super caring, patient and understanding and maybe even see it as potentially something other than insanity as well as online people. But, wow, there is a part of me that wants to withdraw even more than I have from things. A cautious part that thinks it is not a good idea to talk about this stuff too much for too long . . . . the part that does not want to speak up to accuse my husband of lying due to a telepathic input . . . .difficult to explain.

I do appreciate all the kind words and do certainly think time must be my ally. I always returned to baseline before . . . always to that same rational self without lingering weirdness. It's just that in the past it was more like HPPD and personality disorders than this strange weirdness . . . . it's like I came down from that trip and instead of landing into lasting HPPD or the feeling of being traumatized/shocked or depressed . . . .like I came down into a whole new perspective or way of seeing the world. And it's not letting up. If anything it is just playing out in different ways each day. I'm used to feeling depressed or having little visual movements that are peripheral . . . .not to some of this stuff that I recognize as . . . . well. . . . delusional thinking . . . .

How crazy can I be if I can watch it all happening?

 

[semios]

Pandora - You and I are just people on other sides of the internet hiding behind avatars, and I'm pretty new in here to boot, so take this how you will. But I think you should strongly consider talking to a mental health professional. You are exhibiting signs of depression, and some of the things you are describing definitely should be talked through with a sympathetic professional who can a) hear you out and provide a caring ear, and b) give you an honest and well-informed professional assessment.

It sounds like you have access to health care through your husband's work, and you have enough signs of depression (not getting out of bed, staring into space, struggling with strange feelings and emotions) that you could bridge into the conversation about those symptoms and depression "safely" with a therapist or counselor, and see if you have a good rapport with them, before describing any of the more "out there" issues that you are also experiencing. It is perfectly fine to walk out of a single session with a counselor who does not feel like a good "fit," and ask to see someone else.

There are counselors out there who will listen non-judgementally and sympathetically, including discussion of psychedelics and daily cannabis use, and will present you with a range of options about strategies for understanding your own experience, things to think about and monitor, and honest consideration of medications, if they seem appropriate.

Meanwhile, I am sure I speak for many people who are reading this but not posting replies, when I say that we are all sending you light and love and hope you will continue to turn to us for support, while understanding that an anonymous internet forum can't replace the value of a real friend who will engage in a rich non-judgemental conversation, or a professional.

 

[Pandora]

This is not a bad idea given what's going on, even though I'm not a danger to self or others, but in fact my husband's work is 1/2 time and there are no medical, dental or mental health benefits. We live check to check. It's the County Hospital or nothing.

I've had huge boughts of depression before. From long term low grade to really dysfunctional. Usually I cry A LOT, feel hopeless, cannot get out of bed, worry about dying and my loved ones dying, worry about my husband leaving me and my alienating those around me, sleep too much consistently, don't want to eat anything at all and when I do it has no taste.

Though evincing a few minor similarities, this is different. . . .more lucid, . . I could never write this clearly when depressed, . . . strikingly novel in the fact that none of these things has ever happened (other than having had voices all along to one extent or another, but not at all persecutory . . . ) before without rather radically extreme and immediate drug intoxication . . . .

I'm thinking of seeking help but as discussed, it really looks like for where I am socially, class-wise, etc. that the treat and street option is going to be the one on the table. And as I discussed, though I'm thinking this might be helpful to take some time off from all of this, I'm wary of turning into a zombie, not being able to get out of bed, not being able to write like this, not being able to perceive all these wonderful but seemingly delusional things that are happening, all these crazy connections . . . . I'm concerned seeking treatment would shut that all down and I'm not 100% sure I want that. Thus, confusion ensues. . . .

 

[Wax]

Pandora, I can't say I know exactly what you're going through but looking into my past and comparing it to what you've said about your own experiences, it sounds like a combination of too much acid in combination with a lot of introspection and internalizing of your new found insights and maybe a little too much time on your hands?

I have felt this mania you are describing, though it sounds like you go "up" a lot higher than I ever did. Still to this day I have wildly varying mood swings leaving me with chills and a feeling of being "plugged in" or feeling angry or sad and completely withdrawn and overly sensitive and self critical.

I was going through some serious anger and depression a while back and during a few of my really low points I felt like something just clicked and I became able to predict the future and other weird things and it was really terrifying because I thought I had gone nuts and might hurt someone or most likely myself.

I had been using a lot of ecstasy at the time as well as drinking and smoking a lot of weed, I also had a bunch of time to sit around and think about all the crazy things that were going on in my life as a result of this mania I had. I knew that I was causing all the problems I had by constantly internalizing every situation and getting these manic thoughts about what I should do, but I just couldn't figure out how to stop it.

Finally after a visit to the hospital and a total meltdown I had an epiphany that was so simple I felt like an idiot for not realizing it sooner. I just had to stop listening to myself and start focusing outward for a while, I thought that I had all the answers in me since I was getting these insights so I quit believing in anyone else's point of view. I stopped taking pills and tried to occupy my time with talking to others and some sort of productive hobby.

I think that if you are happy with these insights and they seem to be working for you it would be beneficial to just roll with it, accept that you are having these insights and apply them to life, use your new humor and wit to talk with friends and family, and try to focus your mind on external stimuli. If the insights seem to become a problem then simply pass them off as a possibility until you can prove their value.

Hopefully my rambling will help in some way
Be well Pandora

 

[thymamai]

The brain is vast, impossibly complex — and it's madnesses and intoxications absurdly beautiful — how very easily I could slip, how frightening easy then would it be to descend into it? .. And, dare I say? .. that I should wish to melt.
..I question myself in the flash of this last moments reason: Why is that so? God, I don't know. Or I don't want to. or should not, and pray I forget.

But all the same, it is not important why. There are simply too many other questions to explore, right?

No advice, not from little me. Yet still a few things are certain, and I think you will agree, that epiphanies aren't to be trusted.
And, because communication is born in the heart, come words gesture or climax, it has always been through the heart alone that we have known ourselves and eachother at the naked depth that births real meaning, and is apart from all of this.. absorption.
And, that forgetting is as essential to a healthy and worth-while balance, as laughing must be to the end of any long trip or exhausting light of day.

Also, I want to thank you for conveying all of this, as difficult as it is while still fighting off those ungodly weights brought down by Raw Feeling. It feels counter-intuitive somehow, but I think it is wise to at least try. All parties benefit.

warmth

 

[vardlokkur]

Definitely appreciate you're documentation of this trip into deep deep waters, Pandora. No matter how much self-doubt these freaky things may inflict, I don't believe it's some early symptoms of complete schizophrenia (but I did wanna mention that iirc Louis Wain's painting weren't painted in the order that they are classically portrayed in relation to his schizophrenia). I myself cannot view mental "disorders" from a completely negative perspective, because they themselves are abstractions of generalized behavior and neurological pathways. Maybe part of the desire to communicate is to reassure yourself you aren't crazy? Either way you do elucidate well for someone goin off the deep end

As far as some of the recent physical symptoms such as excessive sleeping and a ligther appetite, and increased taste sensitivity; this could simply be because your body needs this for now. In my own experience, I've noticed that when I am more "in tune" with myself, things taste better yet are more filling. And with the sleeping, you're brain may be defragmenting and reorganizing the deck so to speak.

Anyway, doubt that I'm bring anything new to the table here, but just wanted to add: DO NOT succumb to feelings of being a burden or whatever on loved ones. That's the only train of thought that I saw here that I believe might lead to some rather destructive behavior. And again, thanks for mapping out the abyss for us! :d

 

[obliguhl]

I do not know were i've read the theory, that some forms of "madness" are in fact ways of the mind to heal and integrate itself. Maybe what you experience really is some kind of way for your mind to make sense of the LSD experience you have had. Perhaps it will change you for the better, make you stronger and more healthy. I agree with the notion that you have to feel bad about it to consider medical options...because having an altered consciousness certainly does not qualify as some sort of sickness.

It seems that you DO find it problematic in a way. But ask yourself why? Because it is REALLY bothering you, or because your past problems play a rolle in this. All this worry about your husband, your loved ones etc got nothing to do with you being "crazy". They love you because you are the way you are. These negative patterns of thought can surely taint your judgment of this new experience. But I'm certainly not the one to suggest to not get medical help. If it is impairing you for WHATEVER reason, then get that prescription! Still, good healthy habits during these times surely are important. I recently found out that fruit and vegetable juices are very good.

All the best Pandora!!

 

[Orion]

As you probably know from our times on chat, I'm certainly not the guy to solve a duality, as it's all i see, I can neither deny it nor fully embrace it, because of my dual nature. This does not make me mad, but this open dual awareness makes life more complicated. And yet sometimes so simple. Often I try to describe something I feel is similar to this. I feel overjoyed and full of love, and yet it aches, but I cannot say I am sad, because I'm not, but when I'm sad, I know I'm totally fine really! I can only attribute it to mental illness for explanation, but I know others have the same thing. Maybe we are all mad, in different undefinable ways.