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I'm going schizophrenic

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kinkyking

kinkyking

Rising Star
Ok about 4 months ago I experienced a DMT trip (My first and last real trip) which shifted my life direction from that day.
I'm having various mental problems since then. At first there was strong HPPD-like symptoms with a more auditorial edge, e.g. spirits whispering and communicating with me. then after getting rid of this problem using medications, everything was fine for awhile until I began to realize life might be a delusion which I thought was real in the past.

Precisely speaking, I'm stuck in a downhill trail toward schizophreny I'm guessing. Somekind of progressive mental problem that gets more serious day after day.

At first I was having random moments of pondering the elemental meanings of self, existence, reality and life; like who am I? where am I really? or am I at all??? I mean do I exist at all?

Then day by day, I began to get more certain about these questions instead of just being suspicious. to the point of denying the existence of outside world (outside of my head) and also my head. what's my head really after all? yes I can touch that with my arms and watch it in the mirror, but these could be all visions and tactile hallucinations as well, I trust nothing anymore, no sensory data reaching "Me" can be trusted anymore.

But inside I wish physical world and You were real just like I believed before, so I'm asking you, who might be delusions (I'm asking help from delusions to end delusions, insert psychedelic loop here) how to stop this progressive problem?

I don't think medications would help me, because after all the pills might be delusions as well I'm certain.

There's no outside or physical reality, and there's no time and space, we're simply entities that can watch and hear, beings fixed in place without movement, somewhere far far away, being fed visuals and sounds, that's all, and we get tricked into we're living in those visuals which we're being shown. interpreting them as reality.
 
If it's advice that you're looking for, mine is to stop taking any and all recreational drugs and seek immediate assistance from a mental health professional.
 
I'm curious about the mental problems. Would you mind elaborating on them with more examples? There are theories I'm sure you know that some mental illness' aren't illess' at all, but I'm not implying anything.
 
I've realized myself that any psychoactive plant (like even tea and coffee) speeds up the process toward downhill, so I've stopped taking anything since 2 months ago I'm guessing.

@Elf Machine: I don't like to know the reality of life and existence, that's too horrible for me to handle, I want to return to the "fooled happy sheep" stage I was before. The reality behind reality can be so harsh and horrorful for the unprepared (Including myself) to the point of head exploding. just Imagine about yourself being nothing more than a delusion, think about realizing that you haven't exist at all from the very moment of start, all these years (which you'll realize years won't make sense anymore as well) you were just hallucinating your own existence.
 
kinkyking, certainly visiting a professional for some help can't be a bad idea. At worst they will tell you they can't help you and best they can, and if you don't agree to their methods of helping you, you can always stop seeing them.

As for the ideas that life is delusion and reality is only a trick - I think a lot of people come to this point of asking this, some more than others. For me, as a critical inquirer I always ask myself - what is the point of using this model for explaining the phenomenon of experiential reality? And quite frankly I see no point in describing reality as an illusion because it has no consequences that are relevant for me at all. I still suffer and still experience joy and love, regardless if what I call physical existence is just a dream. A dream or illusion also implies that there is something like an actual reality, something from which this dream is being dreamt, but how will you know that isn't a dream as well? You will fall into an infinite regress of layers of dreams with no end and no point.

So for me everything I experience is real. The difference between what some people call dreams or illusions to me is made up only in the way that things can interact. A dream cannot directly interact with my table for example. I can interact with other humans thus them and me share the same plane of reality.
the idea of not having existed is paradoxical. Having the ability of the thought of not having existed already ensures that you have existed.

One very interesting thing about physical reality is continuity, which often dreams and illusions don't have. there is a certain consistence to how things work as can be described by physical laws or patterns, and there is a constant progression of events that can be traced back by virtue of these laws e.g. chemical reactions, collisions, atomic decay, trajectories in space etc. One could of course argue that your knowledge of an event from two minutes ago is also just imagined, but again I ask - what is the benefit of arguing this way? It does nto change that you will continue to experience this world in its progression.

So perhaps your problem is to some degree philosophical in nature. It helps to remember that as humans we are representation-forming machines. Everything we experience forms a representation within our minds, an analogue so to speak. We create models by which we can relate to the world that we only experience through incomplete sensory apparatuses thus limiting our capability of grasping the whole of reality. This means our models are not reality. They are only models. Hence we can question the benefit of one model over another with regards to living quality and well-being. IMO your model does not serve you well. Change it.

On the other hand there might be a physical/chemical problem that is developing, so you should take care to watch your condition carefully and perhaps seek help and professional advice as soon as you can.
 
But inside I wish physical world and You were real just like I believed before, so I'm asking you, who might be delusions (I'm asking help from delusions to end delusions, insert psychedelic loop here) how to stop this progressive problem?
Click to expand...

That's propably the conflict you are dealing with right now. You have had an extreme, reality shattering experience, that you fail to integrate into your existence...because: Lets face it: YOU EXIST. One way or another. We don't know if you have a body, we don't know if I'm real or if the physical reality is "real" at all. But what is real? Just a term we are gotten used to. A term which carries a certain concept WE attached to that term...that means we are real. YOU are real. In one way or another.

Your current struggle is a problem BECAUSE it's a problem. What would happen to your existence if you'd continue to question reality? Many people here have done this for years. They are still here, eating, breathing and enjoying life. Whatever life is, the big mystery. And YOU CAN TOO!! I'm 100% certain that you can, after you've re-evaluated your current problems.

This situation must scare you. It's a good idea not to take any drugs you feel make it worse. It's possibly an important step towards stabilization of your experience. It gives you the space to calm down and come to terms with you experience.

A good psychotherapist or psychiatrist could possibly aid in integration, giving you some other perspectives...because..isn't that what life is about? Perspective ? Developing your own worldview, a worldview you feel comfortable with.

...because life can be beautiful and full of love if you accept this to happen. This is the real struggle, i think.

I just want you to know, that you must not feel alone. We all know, that there could be consequences to our path with DMT. That is the reason most of us take it, actually. I'm not advocating to embrace insanity, but possibly look at it from a less "serious" perspective from time to time...watch how that feels to you, watch how you react to different kind of thoughts. You're on your path brother, and you will get better. I'Ve witnessed people on this board feeling delusional and broken, just to come back after a while, full of newfound strength.

This can happen to you, if you don't give up on finding your ways. A psychologist could be part of it, the medicine they give you could be part of it.
But in the end you have to say YES to your life and the mannifold ways it can go.

Be brave to live my friend and keep us updated...

I'm with you!

xkcd.com

Philosophy

xkcd.com xkcd.com
 
kinkyking said:
Do I need to visit a Psychiatrist or a Psychologist?
Click to expand...

Ye man, id deffo say you should go talk so someone who knows how to deal with this situat
ion.

Uncle Knucles said:
If it's advice that you're looking for, mine is to stop taking any and all recreational drugs and seek immediate assistance from a mental health professional.
Click to expand...
^^^^^^

I wish you all the best bro, and keep well.
 
okay worth mentioning at the point these notes start i was well underway in a powerful psychedelic experience.. had dosed at 10:40 .. notes start just as i start peaking


[01:47] psy: the feeling that life
is somehow not real
or rather
that its all for me
or alll a dream of some kind
its universal
whatever it is
it gets overwhelming
then i start peaking harder
i want it to be differnt??
no
thets not it
i gues si want it to make sense
and its out of nowhere
and i dont know why
whoa
now i dont feel good
just explaing all that
has me feeling like inexplainably uncomfortable
i want a cigarerette but that dont do shit
ha..
and it just makes me hear sirens
i know its all with a reason
but when i get to where i start figureing it out
it scares the shit out of me
i cant explain it to anyone

[01:52] psy: i get what i ask for and i dont know what im askng for i dont know if i want it
i just want to write pretty words that people will like
i dont want the overtones of wtffffff

[01:53] psy: i cant even explain what was starting to make sense in my mind
i had to stop it
from being thought
im glad i could


[01:57] psy: guess i could say i was letting the lack of explanation.. the bewilderment the lack of control get to me
[01:57] psy: scare the shit out of me
[01:58] psy: inexplainable fears
[01:58] psy: like were not even human
[01:58] psy: or like
[01:58] psy: why are we
[01:58] psy: what is this
[01:58] psy: thoughts break down then
[01:58] psy: panic sets in
[01:58] psy: i just want to be happy
[01:59] psy: and it gets to the point
[01:59] psy: wtf is happy
[01:59] psy: happy is not knowing?? i dont even know what i know
[01:59] psy: i dont know what i know thats not knowing

[02:09] psy: makes my jaw hurt thinkin it
[02:09] psy: can feel the cigarette the drink the alprozolam.. can feel the running like i already am even tho im sitting still im not doing any of that running i dont even know what im running from
[02:10] psy: what i want to run from
[02:10] psy: i dont even bother hitting the pipe right now
[02:10] psy: i know there aint no comfort
[02:10] friend: running from the chaos
[02:10] psy: is running on a treadmill.
[02:11] psy: always seemed fucking rediculous to me
[02:11] psy: fuckin treadmills
[02:11] psy: fuck that
[02:11] psy: just seems wrong



[02:14] psy: oh it wants to show it self
[02:15] psy: never quite does
[02:15] psy: i so often forget its there
[02:15] psy: always there
[02:15] psy: i cant explain it
[02:15] psy: starts to show in rainbows
[02:15] psy: its kinda everything
[02:15] psy: can apper anyway
[02:16] psy: but i havent seen it
[02:16] psy: i dont think seems id know if i did
[02:16] psy: maybe you just cant remember
[02:16] psy: like the best dreams


[02:17] psy: wanting to know seems futile
[02:17] psy: almost like it WANTS to make us feel unworthy
[02:18] psy: which i can only rationalize as it does it to make self worth matter
[02:18] psy: something worth fighting for




[02:21] psy: i want to trip but then i do and its like i forget why i want it
[02:21] psy: then after the confusion the euphoria and peace comes

[02:21] psy: its all ridiculous




02:42] psy: the want to cry an not knowing why wanting it to be some other way but for no real reason wasnt happy before not sure what is longed for ideal thoughts of normalcy what exactly is that... romanticizing things i wished to be fact ... want for simple life without mystery doesnt seem possible but for no clear reason
dont get what all this is and the complexity and inescapableness just makes me feel so uncomfortable i love life but i dont know what it is or if i even should love it
[02:43] friend: your lookin too deep into it psy
[02:43] psy: perhaps
[02:43] psy: i mean... makes life impossible
[02:44] psy: no wonder im ignored
[02:44] psy: i cant be like other people
[02:44] psy: and thats why other people dont like me
[02:45] psy: i am changing and other people dont
[02:45] friend: you can come off as intimidating with all your knowledge
[02:45] psy: well maybe i dont want to do it all alone

[02:48] psy: but does it matter was there an answer silence only shruged silent treatment from above
[02:50] psy: i am tired of feeling like a failure because iv been so far flung from society from the start thats not my fucking fault
[02:50] psy: people have no clue


[02:55] psy: meanwhile big birds or something are scratching on my roof again and some bitch somewhere is wondering what color to dye her hair

[03:32] friend: calm that racing mind of yours
[03:33] psy: yeaaa im okay
[03:33] psy: 333
[03:33] psy: i have control now i just never get to express it so when i do it starts to build
[03:34] psy: but when i was starting to freak earlier.. i was getting the feeling this was all deception
[03:34] psy: i didnt like t he feeling it made me sick
[03:34] psy: like
[03:34] psy: i cant even explain it
[03:34] psy: all of it seemed fake suddenly
[03:34] psy: all of this
[03:35] psy: an if all you know isnt real then nothing is
[03:35] psy: and that was terrorfying
[03:36] psy: because wtf.. its so ominous.. like why would this all be fake.. which begs the question again why is all this and it was just forcing the realization aht i dont know what this is
[03:36] psy: thought loops
[03:36] psy: i stopped em
 
Existential crisis is completely understandable, in the modern world more-so than any other time. Whether or not everything is real or not - 'you', where you are at this point depends on physical well-being. Working through these thoughts could lead to you becoming a stronger and more aware person. I found it was about creating a balance between the outside and inside. Masterting the duality of introversion and extroversion.

If you want to remain grounded why not try some kind of new meal, or go a jog - see stuff you've never seen before. Simple things... & you don't have to mentally attach yourself to it. Read some theories of consciousness/religious texts perhaps? Maybe remembering that around 7 thousand million things like you exist... we're all a part of it.

The loops are tricky... I know... full of despair, that's why its good to break the cycle by doing small different things in your day to day habits.

This is just what I've picked up in past experiences... I hope you feel better, you could potentially grow from this... integration is key.

See a psychologist if you wish - perhaps talk to some people you know about all of this... see their reactions, weigh it up more.

Best of luck man :)
 
Kinkyking, I'm really sorry about your problems. Especially since I have two very close friends whose problems have escalated into an acute psychotic crisis, seriously putting their life in danger and getting badly hurt during the crisis, because of running away from their hallucinations (voice in head, ghosts,...)
It's roughly estimated that 1% of the population is affected by schizophrenia during their life, so the symptoms are well studied. The most important is to prevent the symptoms from becoming a chronic condition.

I really think it's better to choose to see a professional before, rather than be forced to see one after something bad happens. You're lucky enough to realize something might be cause for worry, and that could well be your chance to prevent harm.

You do very well to keep clear of any psychoactives, stick to it, as this could also be your chance to diminish risks.

And if you have the guts to tell family or friend that you feel you might be develloping some mental problems, go ahead: people often tend to overlook the first schizophrenic symptoms, and put the weird behaviour on account of tiredness, and only realize too late how serious the signs were.

Take care, and man, even if reality is fake, we can still try to keep it cool for everyone
 
obliguhl said:
That's propably the conflict you are dealing with right now. You have had an extreme, reality shattering experience, that you fail to integrate into your existence...because: Lets face it: YOU EXIST. One way or another. We don't know if you have a body, we don't know if I'm real or if the physical reality is "real" at all. But what is real? Just a term we are gotten used to. A term which carries a certain concept WE attached to that term...that means we are real. YOU are real. In one way or another.

Your current struggle is a problem BECAUSE it's a problem. What would happen to your existence if you'd continue to question reality? Many people here have done this for years. They are still here, eating, breathing and enjoying life. Whatever life is, the big mystery. And YOU CAN TOO!! I'm 100% certain that you can, after you've re-evaluated your current problems.
Click to expand...

This is what I wanted to write too you but obliguhl did that for me :)
Don't worry about what's real and what's not because no-one has ever been able to define what's real and what's not. Just be here now and try to do the best of it.
I feel reality is some kind of a setup program for us. But it's what I'm experiencing now and I know it's for a reason. That's my reality for the moment. Reality feels very unreal at times but I know there's something beyond everything.

Well I hope you get through this soon.

And remember "real" is just a word.
 
Firstly: follow arts advice and seek help.

Secondly: Millions of people before you have had this existential crisis. If there is one discipline that is equiped for dealing with this, or even entirely built for this very purpose it's budhism and vipasana meditation. If i where you i would firstly seek help from a psychiatrist or psychologist and then for philosophical relief, try to contact a teacher in budhism and vipasana meditation.

The psychological strugle to deal with 'illusions of the self' is elementary in vipasana meditation and teachers in this discipline are very familiar with this existential struggle you are dealing with.
A vipasana teacher has been through this very same existential strugle as well and has probably guided many people before you through it.

The feelings of fear, anxiety, restlessness or even the feeling of going insane are well known and common phenomena in this crisis. Vipasana teachers are trained to guide you through it properly.

Seek a psychiatrist or psychologist first.
 
This sounds exactly like what I went through three years ago after my first breakthrough with salvia. For almost three months I had the impending feeling that reality was about to completely come apart. I felt like my head was going to blow with the cascading epiphanies. I started thinking I might be schizophrenic. I read up on schizophrenia, even followed a few schizophrenia forums. Until I realized this wasn't helping, it was making it worse. I realized that I was just convincing myself I was crazy. I learned that schizophrenia doesn't just happen to sane people. Psychotic breaks can happen how-ever and if this is negatively effecting your life, I strongly suggest you see a professional.

For me, reading Buddhist philosophy, doing Zen meditation, and listen to Allen Watts really helped. It allowed me to put my experiences in perspective and constructively reformulate my own philosophy and beliefs.

I continue to use psychedelics to this day, going deeper than ever before. My mental sanity and stability has become stronger than ever in my life and I attribute this mostly to my psychedelic use.

I am NOT suggesting you continue to use psychedelics. This may not be the right path for you. Only you can know that!.

If this is causing real concern and fear for you, then PLEASE seek professional help.
 
People have already said a lot of really good stuff that I think you should seriously consider. I'd just like to add that growing plants and spending time with them has helped me to feel really grounded. In addition to talking to a professional, maybe check out a nice botanical garden in your area, find a plant or two that feels right to you, and order some seeds?

Whether reality is real or not, my plants need water every day and the daily ritual of checking on them every morning and giving water feels really incredible.
 
kinkyking,

Thank you so much for sharing with us. It could not have been easy to make such a post, to post such confessions.

I honestly feel that elru and others have made great points. Maybe I missed it but I think you chose not to list your age. Schizophrenia is a real issue for young people. Though it can strike at any time (e.g. Louis Wain) it generally rears its' symptomatic head in young adulthood.

I feel concern over the fact that you have stated that you are months sober from all drugs and still having symptoms and also that any plant based medicine can set you off, such as caffeine. In my personal, experiential language, sounds like the "trip switch" didn't fully close. This can in fact be very disturbing as you have eloquently described.

If you choose to seek professional help, I would recommend a licensed psychologist or a psychiatrist. You may decide to reconsider medication (at least as a short term option to help with symptoms) and these are the people who can make that easier. Please remember, these medications can take a long time to work, can make us feel worse before we feel better (go figure), BUT there is a reason beyond the Big Pharma Capatalism story as to why so many have used them for so long. If you choose to make a bargain with your provider/doctor to stick with the program (for example for 6 months) for a specific time, you may notice more significant results. Given that you are suffering, I thought it might be worth mentioning for your consideration.

I also feel that elru has touched on something very important. Within my limited life experience, she has described one of the keys to returning to health in periods of mental distress. In times of deep suffering, it really does help me to maintain a routine, get back to the earth/nature and become involved with other lives, lives that are dependent upon me. Speaking just for my own experience, sometimes just "going through the motions" day after day can help me to really believe that's it is real, can help to eliminate the "fake" or "delusional" aspect of things.

I'm grateful that you shared. Speaking just for myself, no matter how bad or crazy it's gotten, it eventually lets up and gets better, . . . . life is cycles. I want to remind you that you are part of a community. If you stay the same, get better or completely melt down, I hope you'll keep us posted. We really care about you.

Peace & Love
 
kinkyking said:
There's no outside or physical reality, and there's no time and space, we're simply entities that can watch and hear, beings fixed in place without movement, somewhere far far away, being fed visuals and sounds, that's all, and we get tricked into we're living in those visuals which we're being shown. interpreting them as reality.
Click to expand...

Are we forgetting something?
are you just putting things 'out there' or is this truth?

where is the love...
I do love you and want to help you,
I hope some of the energy in this place go's into 'yours'
I know I'm real and I would be a bit silly to love someone who is not real...

be here now,
beautiful human be
 
Reality is only what YOU make it.. I would keep moving on in this life, because as far as any of us know, this may be real it may not, and what sense would it make if you went on living life angry and confused because you dont know what reality is... When no one in the world knows, the only thing thats different between me and the next guy is that I have used dmt to become completely content with this life, and this reality I am living, and I am fine knowing that it could all be a dream, that I could just wake up one day..

But what the hell would the world be like if everyone walked around unsure about whether they were real or not? I am not telling you to do anything man, and I want you to be happy, and all better (whatever "better" means to you).

We only get one chance with this life and this body.. Might as well make the best of it. The more time spent wondering "why?", the more time spent lonely and sad, confused and angry.


Much peace and love brother. Good luck.
 
People often think I'm having an existential crisis. I say things and delve into things and test things which most people I meet think is insanity. It's just interesting, don't go crazy over something that's crazy, that's just crazy ;)
 
You're waking up. No one said this was going to be easy. Don't stress over this stuff. If you seriously need help with coping with your existence, then there are people who can help. The first and foremost being yourself. Take some sober time off and meditate, breathe and be easy. Why worry about things beyond our ability to understand and control?

Whatever makes you happy and peaceful, do it. If time does not heal your angst, then please talk to someone who specializes in helping those in need.
 
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