I've been getting the "call" - but I refuse to stop

[TiHKAL]

Recently I've had the same trip experience over and over again, that was nothing like the trips in my past.
I wasn't in hyperspace, neither did I see fractals, entities or similar.
What I've been seeing were memories of my childhood, something I can not remember.
At first I didn't know what I was seeing but after the second time of getting exactly the same images I started to understand what DMT was trying to tell me and after talking to my parents there was no doubt that it was indeed a childhood memory.
It's a very painful memory and during my trip I started to scream at the top of my lungs with my eyes rolled back into my head according to my significant other. It was a very childlike scream and I started to cry until I snapped out of the trip. At one point I was absolutely sure that my mother was sitting by my side, gently caressing my cheek and crying with me. For the lack of a better word, I was terrified.

I've started reading up on similar experiences but haven't found anything except the urges of other members to stop consuming DMT, but I refuse.

I refuse to stop consuming DMT because I feel like it is cleaning my body of underlying memories that are hidden deep inside me. Like medicine helping the body get rid of a disease. I must cleanse myself before I can find true happiness, wisdom, understanding, peace and become the person I am meant to be.

I know exactly what I'll see when I go back but with every time I become stronger and feel as if an entity is guiding me on my painful way.

To me many of my DMT trips feel like a journey inside myself rather than into a different universe but that's just me. I've had many wonderful experiences with entities and visions but I also appreciate finding out more about my body, brain and soul.

Thank you for reading and I hope that it may help another person who'll have a similar experience.

TiHKAL

 

[Shanghigher]

Hi TiHKAL,

I've heard about repressed memories coming to the surface on psychedelics in general. If you feel the need to pursue the path, I'd advise caution, but it also sounds like it could be something that deeply troubles you to the point where you've pushed it the core of your being.

I'll put this thought out there, and welcome cross-analysis from the nexus. Perhaps try something not as strong as DMT - I'm thinking shrooms here - and meditate on the memory with the desire to bring that to the forefront of your mind. It could be terrifying, but it could also be the right depth for you to access the memory and analyse it with greater clarity. You may want a sitter, and do the experience purely for that reason than anything else.

Is there anything you can think of sober that might trigger it?

 

[Entheogenerator]

I don't necessarily see this as a "call" to stop using psychedelics. If I were in your position, I might see it more as a desire/need to work through this repressed memory and get to a point where I could live my life comfortably and happily in spite of it. Working through a problem so significant would most likely require other methods aside from/in addition to psychedelic use.

But with all that being said, only you can interpret your experiences. Anything that anyone else says about it is purely speculation/conjecture, because they weren't there. Only you had this experience, so therefore only you can interpret it.

 

[anrchy]

This sounds great! I understand it must be difficult but it sounds like you are very willing to continue. I would advise still have a sitter with you just in case you need some reassurances afterwards.

I personally think that if this is what dmt is doing would stick with it. You could also try a mushroom trip but it seems to me that you are having these experiences for a reason possibly.

What size dose are you taking? Maybe add some harmala in to the mix to lengthen the experience and possibly help you through it? As long as you aren't taking any medications that react with MAOI.

 

[Shanghigher]

On top of what Anrchy said, you could start with shrooms, and then kick it up a notch with DMT if you aren't getting to where you are trying to go. Just to explain the rationing behind mushrooms - I'm thinking that if you are planning a trip where you intend to go to a dark place, something with the length of LSD or mescaline may be biting off more than you want to chew off, but more time to analyse than DMT. Lengthening the experience of a DMT hit with MAOI also sounds like a solid plan.

 

[moyshekapoyre]

Waste of time IMO. You are not this entity. You are the awake.

 

[anrchy]

Waste of time IMO. You are not this entity. You are the awake.

I don't see this as a very productive comment.

 

[TiHKAL]

The interesting thing is that psychedelics have always been difficult for me, especially when doing them alone. I don't like calling trips "bad" and prefer the word "difficult" because there is no such thing as a bad trip to me. Bad trips happen when you disrespect the molecule and use them to "get high" simply said. I hope this doesn't offend anybody but this isn't what psychedelics are for me. Psychedelics to me are tools. Tools to discover myself, connect with others on a different level, travel and learn about different places.

My first psychedelic experience was on shrooms and such an intense experience that from that day on I stopped drinking alcohol and smoking. This was with my significant other around.
Tripping alone is great fun but at some point with mushrooms I came to the place that Terence McKenna calls the "meat locker", I was surprised when I heard him talk about that place because it was the very same place I was led to. A very scary place indeed but I continued walking through it watching at the things the mushrooms wanted me to show. By the way for any person who is going to end up there, McKenna recommends chanting to get through that place.
Mushrooms are to me messages encoded in plants. Every shroom will have a different message, a different lection and I respect it because I am a their student. My usual dose is around 4-5g with lime tek.

My first LSD experience was alone with 200ug. Long story short the trip went south despite all of the preparations to make it a nice trip. My plan was to find out more about my meta. What makes me the person that I am and maybe get rid off some memories from my childhood the way Stanislav Grof did in his experiments.
I went too deep inside myself, experienced ego death and being in that state for 5-6 hours that feel like an eternity isn't the most pleasant feeling. But fortunately I've given LSD another chance using it with my significant other and it is by far my most favourite drug except for my DMT trips.
I am able to connect so well on LSD and even though I don't have the most profound OEV I enjoy the feelings I am able to share and grow as a person. I've been using it slightly psychotherapical with my significant other and it helps me a lot even when randomly micro dosing.
LSD is very powerful but without any message like a mushroom trip. I can do whatever I want and control my trip wonderfully despite doses high as 500ug.
This isn't always true with DMT. Sometimes I can do the things that I want in hyperspace but when I had the first difficult trip and tried to look away it felt like an entity was snapping its fingers right in front of my face to get my attention back to what it was trying to show me.

I am very interested in MAOI and plan on trying them out very soon. Oh and before I forget I am usually smoking 25-30mg DMT with my GVG, I went up to 50mg twice before but this kind of trip needs several days to come down from and understand everything that you've seen. It's not a difficult experience per se but it takes time for your brain to progress all of that information and make sense of it.

 

[Ryusaki]

Get yourself some Rue.
Make tea.
Drink tea worth 1 gr.
lemon tek some shrooms (not more than 1-2gr) and drink.
Meditate, wait for peak.
Smoke some Mapacho.
Smoalk some DMT.
Go in deep, get what you need.

Don't forget ritual, smudging, singing, chanting.

Repeat if necessary, careful with the mapacho if you smoalk immidiatly after, it will kick the DMT into overdrive.

Thats what i would do, be careful with the dosages, adjust carefully, better start low with the Rue.

 

[Pandora]

I perceive them as growth and insight tools/catalysts myself. I've also never seen anything wrong with recreational use per se, as long as the practice and regular life are healthy. Although like the majority here, I would wholeheartedly endorse the statement that DMT is not a recreational drug and if we choose to use at as one we usually end up paying a price . . . .

When a practiced construction person picks up a tool, it is going to catalyze her or his job . . . going to shortcut him or her to making that project grow quickly . . .

BUT, when working with powerful tools, even the most experienced construction foreman understands that her crew occasionally has accidents; even the most experienced journeyman understands that though this day started perfectly, he could possibly have an accident that would require significant recovery time.

Of course, do what you want. As an adult who is the sovereign of your own body, you deserve our respect and all we can do is express opinions based on our own personal experiences.

Based on this, I would say there is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with taking a break. Taking six weeks (or whatever) off to just integrate. To be super healthy and really start to think through some of that childhood stuff you have recovered. Not only work on thinking it through, but also on what it might mean. . . . Never forget your life is like a multi-colored tapestry of incredibly complex weave and weft. Pull a single thread out and everything changes . . . the you that is you is no longer you. And YOU are a beautiful person of such complexity that it would be a shame to change or remove any of those threads, no matter how ugly or corrupted they may appear to be.

Regardless of how you choose to proceed, I sincerely hope you find the integration you are seeking.

 

[spacexplorer]

Could the "Call" actually just be the ego trying to put more fear into you because it's latched onto this painful memory as a last resort somehow?

 

[Cognitive Heart]

The door has and is always open. You / we are the ones that have to step through, directly.

 

[darklordsson]

Face your problems head on, analyze what's wrong and come to a logical conclusion on "why" they are the way they are and do your best to understand these deep issues. Realize some things just aren't your fault imo. I know I've been down this rode before its not a pleasant one. But just dig deeper, if psychedelics have started to help, use them.


edit: But responsibly, and work slowly to bigger doses.

Best of wishes Friend! Hope you mash down those walls like a train:thumb_up: ---dls---

 

[mad_banshee]

Based on this,....

Regardless of how you choose to proceed, I sincerely hope you find the integration you are seeking.

If this were Facebook at least I could put a "like" on your response Pandora. You are very eloquent and always give great advise!
Peace and Love!

 

[Rabbit]

It sounds like you're experiencing problems outside of the realm that any substance can really help. Perhaps you need to seek psychological help in dealing with these memories. It sounds like you have been repressing some things for a long time, and maybe they really need to come to the surface. Knowing that, it would be better to welcome that, than for them to come up against your will.

If you do go get help, don't think you need to be ashamed of that. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or that you're crazy or anything We all hold certain things in, and the memories/feelingd from them can affect us very strongly.

In any case however, I don't think that you are going to find the answer in Dmt.

 

[Ouroboros777]

Thank you for being so open on the site TIHKAL. I noticed you haven't asked for help in any of your posts, and as such I do not feel it advisable to provide advice on an action; only posting to thank you for your openness with something internal, and tell you I trust you based on the structure of the language you have used to explain yourself.

 

[ymer]

It sounds like you're experiencing problems outside of the realm that any substance can really help. Perhaps you need to seek psychological help in dealing with these memories. It sounds like you have been repressing some things for a long time, and maybe they really need to come to the surface. Knowing that, it would be better to welcome that, than for them to come up against your will.

If you do go get help, don't think you need to be ashamed of that. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or that you're crazy or anything We all hold certain things in, and the memories/feelingd from them can affect us very strongly.

In any case however, I don't think that you are going to find the answer in Dmt.

Please no one try to follow this advice.