Life after the lifting of the veil

[Dan1779]

I'll try to keep this as brief as I can but I am looking for some alternate perspectives on my predicament. I have limited experience with psychedelics being one DMT crystal experience and 2 lsd experiences. But was for years an avid weed smoker. But I have now found myself at a point were I can't smoke weed without feeling an onset of existential panic with a feeling reality at any moment could come crumbling down around me, I think driven by the fact I am well aware it will one day and I think about this often.

This has been since my DMT experience, where I was greeted by an entity who wanted to teach me something I rejected. She was trying to show me I could speak a visual language and could pull up meaning through vocalisation up out of my mouth from the depths of my being. But just before the object fully emerged from my soul I stopped speaking and refused because i was shaken by astonishment. Everything halted and went silent. And The female serpent lady seemed disappointed as if I had wasted her time before I heard her voice echo "He's not ready" all around me. She then blew me a kiss and the object which was now on the tip of my tongue plummeted back down into the depths of my being and I woke up with a gasp.

And ever since this experience I've felt an ever present disassociation, where I feel like everything I look at or do is an illusion. Like my life is just a beautiful light show and nothing more. Which is accentuated when smoking weed to the point where It's like a painful obvious ever present truth everyone around me seems blissfully unaware off.

I honestly feel like a video game character who got to witness the hardware of a computer, but has no words, symbols or metaphors that accurately describe the overwhelming feeling that "I" is just a big joke. And when I'm really stoned I can't even except my emotions, like if someone pisses me off my brain just says to me "I'm not real anyway so whats it matter" or when i laugh "I'm literally just making repetitive monkey sounds because everyone else around me is and evolution dictated I need to fit in too survive" I feel like I'm constantly aware of the "4th wall" of reality and I can't stop pushing against it despite it causing me great discomfort.

The part the scares me the most is listening to accounts of people who are mentally ill, who struggle with reality and can't tell the difference between delusions and reality. I can 100% understand where they are coming from and feel like there's some truth in there perspectives.

Even writing this now, I'm painfully aware of the lies in my text that are unavoidable in order to have a conversation. Like the word "I" to me seems tainted, as if its phoney.

Is there anyway to integrate an experience like this so I can feel comfortable and at home in reality again?

 

[○]

Find things you genuinely enjoy doing and do them often. Make your life worth living [even potentially moreso than currently] in the face of what you've experienced and despite all the various confluences that go on around you daily.

Time also, give it time. Time in addition to what I said above.

Be well

 

[HalcyonMiasma]

I know exactly what you mean. It took a few years of educating myself and continuing to play the game despite the pain and discomfort that came with it.

It gets a lot easier with time, and know for a fact you are not alone in these feelings.

I struggle with suicidal ideation a lot and have my entire life. Knowing everything is a game is a relief from that horrible weight we were raised to bear.

 

[Icyseeker]

Try to make every second of your life have meaning and purpose. It is a big ask but the more that you align yourself with love the more clear your place in life is. Maybe cut back on the drugs and try living in sober reality for the time being until you feel like you are comfortable again.

 

[Dan1779]

Thank you everyone for replies, I agree a lack of meaning has contributed to these feelings. I find for myself it's hard to place value on the things I do as I feel I run them in auto pilot even when I'm doing things I "love". I feel torn into two pieces on the one hand I intellectually understand how existence is a divine mystery, how the nature of being is more logically infinite than finite and how the purpose of my current experience can only be to exist in a beautiful mystery of illusion. And yet emotionally I don't feel it at all, I just feel scared that the paradigm of my culture and society that shaped my identity was complete baloney, and has been shattered to pieces. So in turn I feel lost in forming new beliefs because I'm well aware at death, or perhaps earlier, they will be shattered too no matter how much I identify with them.

But much love to you all, It is very comforting to have this forum and community to explore these feelings with. And yes, I've decided to stop smoking weed and have halted my psychedelic exploration for a later date.

I'll leave it with a final question. What practices have you all found which help ground you?

 

[Just a peak]

Santa Cruz, CA, decriminalizes mushrooms - Coalition for Entheogenic Liberty - Welcome to the DMT-Nexus

Dreaming of days without war. what will we do instead? PARTY of course! thats all, there is a party. no more killings. Only parties and disagreements which come to agreement over the time of the party. A mandatory dealing of days without war.

I say yes and you say no
Lets smoke a bowl and seed a row
one. two, three, and back to one
the only destination we will find under the sun

 

[Icyseeker]

Thank you everyone for replies, I agree a lack of meaning has contributed to these feelings. I find for myself it's hard to place value on the things I do as I feel I run them in auto pilot even when I'm doing things I "love". I feel torn into two pieces on the one hand I intellectually understand how existence is a divine mystery, how the nature of being is more logically infinite than finite and how the purpose of my current experience can only be to exist in a beautiful mystery of illusion. And yet emotionally I don't feel it at all, I just feel scared that the paradigm of my culture and society that shaped my identity was complete baloney, and has been shattered to pieces. So in turn I feel lost in forming new beliefs because I'm well aware at death, or perhaps earlier, they will be shattered too no matter how much I identify with them.

But much love to you all, It is very comforting to have this forum and community to explore these feelings with. And yes, I've decided to stop smoking weed and have halted my psychedelic exploration for a later date.

I'll leave it with a final question. What practices have you all found which help ground you?

Meditation which to me means sitting alone and contemplating one's life for a undetermined amount of time. That or chores around the house that need to get done. Can't really worry about all of reality when there are dishes to do.

 

[Lampeyelittle]

After my first experience with LSD, my sense of reality was so out of alignment that I thought my city's clock tower was communicating with me.

I go through periods of similar disassociation occasionally, and what helps me is having a sense of meaning and purpose, as said in the posts above. For me, if at the end of the day at the very least I have made one person smile, made one person's day a little bit better, I am fulfilled. If I have improved someone else's day just a little bit, we're at a net positive for the day :d .

Figure out what keeps you moving and don't stop doing it. Love the experience, love those around you, and love the mystery of life. And finally, time heals all wounds.

Cheers!

 

[Cassyput]

I’m truly sorry you’re going through such a rough time Dan1779. It seems like a good idea for you to stay sober at least until you feel more grounded again.

Are you a creative person in terms of art, drawing, playing an instrument, singing, painting? I think those activities could be very helpful. I ground myself with sports, it is such a great method because of the physicality!

 

[Dan1779]

I’m truly sorry you’re going through such a rough time Dan1779. It seems like a good idea for you to stay sober at least until you feel more grounded again.

Are you a creative person in terms of art, drawing, playing an instrument, singing, painting? I think those activities could be very helpful. I ground myself with sports, it is such a great method because of the physicality!

Thank you for the kindness, I have stopped smoking weed, drinking and doing any psychedelics for about a month now and I am started (though tbh i rarely did these things anyway, i only had a frequent use of weed) and it has helped ground me a little bit. I am starting to feel a bit better, i guess given more time of being sober I should improve a lot more.

I recently took up learning guitar and I can say my half an hour lesson each week takes enough mental energy and focused that it's becoming an escape from these feelings.

all in all though I don't know if I'll ever stop questioning reality though, because I know for a fact it's an illusion. So instead i think I'll focus on looking for the reason I've emerged into this maya and how I can grow with it.

 

[Plutarchalitea]

I’m truly sorry you’re going through such a rough time Dan1779. It seems like a good idea for you to stay sober at least until you feel more grounded again.

Are you a creative person in terms of art, drawing, playing an instrument, singing, painting? I think those activities could be very helpful. I ground myself with sports, it is such a great method because of the physicality!

Thank you for the kindness, I have stopped smoking weed, drinking and doing any psychedelics for about a month now and I am started (though tbh i rarely did these things anyway, i only had a frequent use of weed) and it has helped ground me a little bit. I am starting to feel a bit better, i guess given more time of being sober I should improve a lot more.

I recently took up learning guitar and I can say my half an hour lesson each week takes enough mental energy and focused that it's becoming an escape from these feelings.

all in all though I don't know if I'll ever stop questioning reality though, because I know for a fact it's an illusion. So instead i think I'll focus on looking for the reason I've emerged into this maya and how I can grow with it.

Sounds like a plan! I don't think people of unsound mind should be using psychedelics outside a session with a psychotherapist or medical professionals of the mental variety.

That being said do you have any kind of spirituality? Many people feel disillusioned who don't even use psychedelics and will seek the truth of reality. As seekers have done for ages and ages.

Edit: Did I mean disillusioned? Idk! Anyways like others said find ways to live that make you feel positive and content and be cautious taking a psychedelic again maybe give it quite a bit more time. Pay attention to set and setting if you choose to use something in the future.

 

[BundleflowerPower]

Santa Cruz, CA, decriminalizes mushrooms - Coalition for Entheogenic Liberty - Welcome to the DMT-Nexus

Dreaming of days without war. what will we do instead?

Maybe by then people at large will have acknowledged that nature itself is intelligent, not simply humans. Imagine the creativity which will have filled the void in peoples minds now occupied by fear of nature, themselves, and others.

 

[BundleflowerPower]

Find things you genuinely enjoy doing and do them often. Make your life worth living [even potentially moreso than currently] in the face of what you've experienced and despite all the various confluences that go on around you daily.

Time also, give it time. Time in addition to what I said above.

Be well

I agree, though I’m not really one to teach perhaps. I’ve been going through such a belly of the whale experience for about 5 years now.

Btw, something that has helped me a lot is mythology. When I read about the belly of the whale stories I realized it’s basically the same thing. It’s the hero’s journey I think.

I don’t really think that reality is an illusion, although I used to. I think sometimes our perspectives of reality are illusions. An example is clock time. Clock time is more illusory compared with sky time. Time as measured by the moon and sun moving through the sky persists even if every clock on earth stopped working. I think a lot of the illusory perceptions that humans seem to hold are based in the idea that only humans are conscious. Maybe some of it is the difference between materialistic society and the ways of being that our ancestors experienced, which I think still resonates in us.

 

[Handel]

I feel you. In fact, I often talk about myself on a 3rd person. I also feel the cosmic joke, how everything is an illusion.

The difference between us though is that I'm ok with all that. I have absolutely no problem seeing this life for what it is: a video game, either for entertainment, or learning purposes. Or just to fill up a void of loneliness. We are where we're supposed to be, and we have to do the best we can with what we're given. You see, we must stay compassionate to others regardless if this is an illusion or not. Because guilt would be an even bigger source of sadness than disassociation.

I think the way out of your situation is not to convince yourself that "life is real" (you have already made up your mind about it), but to accept what you have encountered and learned. If there are "more real" other dimensions in your trips (more real than here, but ultimately, also illusions), strive for those. Try to make friends in high places. Maybe they'll deem you "ready" and feel better about it.

How I personally deal with all this? I paint.

It's my opinion that there is only a single consciousness (One, God, call it what you want) that exists, and we're just aspects of it. As such, everything experienced, in all dimensions (not just our own), it's all illusion. Something to pass eternity to not get bored. So, accept that, and you should be ok. We're all in this together anyway. Both separately, and as a single entity. There's nothing "outside" of it, since there's only one thing that exists. I hope I'm making sense.