Mixed-Up Confusion

[Dinosaur PhD]

I registered after reading through a few threads and thinking that most posters here seemed rather helpful and genuinely friendly. I was hoping that there might be a few knowledgeable people here that might want to give me some info or their opinion on what I've been experiencing.

I smoked marijuana regularly for a little over two years, meaning once or twice a day. I also did mushrooms a handful of times and always enjoyed it. Suddenly, about a year ago, I started to feel rather on-edge when I would smoke, not at all like my usual reaction. I thought it would go away, but soon my smoking sessions left me feeling rather short of breath and panicked, I now know that marijuana can invoke anxiety and panic attacks in some individuals. I have since stopped smoking, attempting to start again every few months to see if I would react the same way. I still have panic attacks and have lost interest in smoking, which is sad since I found comfort in it and thought that it was really facilitating my growth as a person (which I know doesn't require some kind of mind-altering drug, but I was enjoying life all the more because of it).

I've always considered myself intelligent and fancied writing as a possible career and wanted to study Philosophy at university. I have a few years of college under my belt and have been set on attending again after taking a year off due to a noticeable lapse in lucidity, stemming from my first bouts of anxiety brought on by marijuana. I used to be rather articulate and inventive, showing great ingenuity and always impressing myself with my mental growth, but for the last year, I have found that I can barely have a conversation or follow a train of thought let alone read something profound or write something on par with what I was writing before all of this began. Stranger still, these symptoms of lapse in cognition and lucidity have seemed to worsen over time and are now coupled with physical sensations. My head often feels as though it is swimming and I have persistent headaches that have caused me to get an MRI, the results of which, came back completely normal.

More recently, I have found myself doing something routine and losing myself. Not simply zoning out or losing concentration, (inability to focus is a symptom of anxiety I'm told and I've been dealing with it since the beginning) but whatever I'm looking at or attempting to concentrate on will simply lose all the context that allows it to make sense. I don't know what things are for an instant and I become very disoriented. This is most distressing of all and has left me rather frightened. My quality of life has dropped greatly and I fear the worst. What if I can never get back to my previous level of cognitive ability?

I'm not sure what I'm expecting posting this here, but if anybody has any insight, I would greatly appreciate some information that would put to bed my anxious thoughts of possible brain injury and the lack of hope I'm grappling with.

 

[Sykosis]

First off the Nexus is not just a place for people who enjoy DMT, it's a place for people to learn, grow and share. You are welcome to post such well worded and articulately crafted thoughts on a quest for insight here.

I have in my experience had to deal with tremendous amount of anxiety and find that it usually stems from some root cause inside you. Think back into your past to when this all began try to decide weather something in your life then is causing this anxiety and you need to come to terms with it. What exists in your mind can only effect you here if you let it. Their is most likely something deep within your subconscious bothering you, search within yourself to find it.

Enjoy your stay here at the Nexus.

 

[Creo]

Your post is really well written, better than most. Have you considered the possibility that your apparent decline in cognitive ability is a misperception on your part and isn't actually true?

 

[Dinosaur PhD]

I have considered this. Though, it seemed to me that my symptoms were much too onset to simply be the product of hypochondria. Though my original post may seem basically intelligent, it was rather difficult for me to focus enough to write it.
I actually am hoping that this is all just resulting from anxiety and depression, I would rejoice knowing that what I'm experiencing isn't permanent. It's been so long though, without any abatement, that I haven't been able to read a book or even feel natural emotion. It was overwhelming at first, and I was getting very anxious worrying about what might be wrong with me, but now I'm exhausted and can't find the energy to worry about it any more, which scares me in a much deeper way.

 

[Infectedstyle]

Have you tried meditating, yogic practice ?

Since marihuana is not dangerous i feel rather comfortable giving you the advice to eat a good spacecake. If you are fond of your cannabis. I suppose that with your lessened tolerance from smoking less that will propell a world of difference in how you experience the herb. I'm talking about full-blown hallucinations and a mushroom-like trip.

I must confess, i have never tried this method of taking the herb myself. But i am currently in the same boat as you are regarding marihuana. I stopped smoking basically altogether and am planning to do the oral route so i can enjoy the herb's full potential.

 

[Dinosaur PhD]

Marijuana is absolutely harmless, you're right. I would love to begin using it again, but I am worried about the effects that the stress it triggers have on me and my mental state. I am searching for the consciousness-expanding effects that both marijuana and mushrooms afforded me, but during my more severe reactions to the drug I discovered a much greater understanding and empathy for the mentally unsound as I began to feel as though I was unravelling and becoming unhinged. There were sensations across my skin as though there were invisible bugs on me and, though I could acknowledge that I was having an adverse reaction to the drug, it was still a harrowing experience as thoughts of schizophrenia came to me and refused to be forgotten. I truly hope to one day be able to have experiences with marijuana akin to those that made me so fond of it in the beginning, but my more recent ordeals have left me too anxious at the thought of what might occur to go back just yet.

But re-establishing a low tolerance and then going for the edibles sounds really great, I hope you have a great time.

 

[causmic]

I know what you mean about the anxiety. I went through an episode during my teens (many years ago) ago where I was suddenly finding myself ridden with anxiety in totally normal situations after getting high. My relationship with the beloved bud had gone askew, it seemed. Every time I smoked I would just feel all paranoid and racy and I didn't like it. But why? I didn't know. This led to one of the greatest shifts in my life, as it led me to quit marijuana fully for a year.

I knew that I didn't want to smoke weed anymore, but I also knew I would if I just kept doing the same, and hanging with the same crowd. I had to keep myself occupied, and so I got into martial arts. Next thing I know, I found myself at the gym 5 times a week. About 9 months after quitting weed cold turkey I competed in my first amateur kickboxing match, and I won

The night I won my first fight, I got blasted. I drank and smoked weed all night for the first time in ages. What I realized was, I already knew before I smoked weed that I wouldn't feel anxious. How on earth could I feel anxious? I just won my first fight! Life was good! How could there possibly be any anxiety present after dedicating myself, aspiring and achieving in such a clear and present way?

I think that anxiety is an almost subconscious indicator that the direction we are headed doesn't jive with what we really want out of life. Whether we are conscious of it or not, this "disharmony" manifests itself as anxiety, and anxiety's job is to wake us up, let us know that something is wrong and needs fixing.

For me, in hindsight it seemed like I never would have gotten into martial arts without that bout of anxiety. For my whole life, ever since I was little, I had always wanted to get seriously into martial arts, and the anxiety hit me right around the age that became possible. I was in the stoner crowd at school, so without the anxiety, I could have easily just kept smoking the days away, finished high school, and never taken that year off marijuana to turn myself into a beast. Perhaps my subconsccius mind had realized this, making me anxious towards the repeated behavior which would lead to an undesirable future. It's the only explanation I've come up with that makes sense to me as per what I experienced.

The values instilled in me through martial arts allowed me to find a sense of balance between work and play in my life, and eventually made me into the person I wanted to be. These days, I enjoy martial arts AND weed.. sometimes, at the same time :lol: It's been 10+ years, I've been yinning, yanging, and puffing anxiety free ever since, but I never would have got there mentally without quitting for a year, and I have anxiety to thank for that.

Perhaps on some level, you are realizing that the daily marijuana use is no longer serving you in the way it once did, and is now perhaps even limiting you? What is it you are "moving towards" these days? Would marijuana every day help or hurt that objective? Whatever the case... something's amiss. That's usually what anxiety means. If smoking weed is making you anxious, is there not something else you should/could be doing which weed doesn't allow you to? The answers may not be as clear as you think.. perhaps not even conscious.. you may have to dig. Just try to be honest and open with yourself, and search your feelings when there's no words.

My advice would be get busy. Get active. Do stuff. Doesn't have to be martial arts, but find your own version of something you can be passionate about, and progress into it. Sitting around thinking about how much you miss the beloved leaf and wondering about this anxiety isn't going to break you through to where you need to be, and could also be contributing to your percieved cognitive decline. IMO, since anxiety is a call to action of sorts, the only cure for it is to take action. It's not something you can "think away". I imagine it would do wonders for you to get excited about something else for a while.

Lastly, being Nexians, we sometimes put extra emphasis on the cognitive aspects of being, but don't forget about the fact that although temporary, part of YOU is a body made out of molecules and is subject to all types of physical-ness. The lothargy and mind going blank stuff could easily be related to diet and exercise. It sounds like something I've had experience with. Look up "hypoglycemia" and see if that rings a bell.. it's a glycemic condition producing symptoms much like you described, which can be completely controlled and rectified by putting the right stuff in your body. Don't be afraid to see a doctor (or two) about that stuff either.

In reading your post, I wasn't sure how to respond myself, but I knew I should... so I just started typing. It seems to have come into focus now.. hope you can glean a thing or two from my little story. Good luck in there

 

[Dinosaur PhD]

Thanks very much for responding. I've often pondered what caused anxiety and thought that both depression and anxiety do, in fact, act as subconscious signifiers of our need for change. That's a great way to look at it. I do have a doctor's appointment scheduled to further explore what might be causing these symptoms and have read a few things on hyperglycemia, as it would really explain a lot of what I'm experiencing.

 

[causmic]

My pleasure. Yes it makes a lot of sense right? A diagnosis of anxiety throws a wide blanket and I'm sure there's cases which are something else entirely, but my experiences and ideas seemed relevant here.

Check out the book "Hypoglycemia: A better aproach" if you want info on the condition. I believe the author is Paavo Airola, MD.. could be wrong, but you should be able to find it with the title. It's a bit dated (most of the good stuff is now :lol: ) but it's the best info I've ever found on the subject and has worked wonders for me personally.

 

[armbarsalot]

Aleister Crowley (cue ozzy) the psychology of hashish

Luminist Archives: Aleister Crowley: The Psychology of Hashish

Luminist Archives: Aleister Crowley: The Psychology of Hashish

www.luminist.org

 

[form is emptiness]

Another possible cause for the symptoms described could possibly stem from high levels of heavy metals, particulary mercury vapour from tooth fillings. So if you have some mercury amalgam based fillings you may want to do some research first to determine weather it would be worthwhile to have them replaced, and thereafter to follow a detox protocol.