Note: I initially wasn't going to post this as I feel it may be too similar to Vulnerability in Sharing an Inner Personal Conundrum. However, I did share it with a dear friend yesterday who encouraged me otherwise.
Early on (in my teenage years), I have had my mind on ideals of Enlightenment and Transcendence and have done what I have felt would better lead me down that path. One of the first steps was in observing many of the world's most prominent messiahs were divergent; they figured things out on their own aside from the cultural frameworks they were born into and inherited; they forged their own paths. So I chose to do the same, often gleaning from other sources but not committing to any one practice or tradition. It's a synonymous function to that found in chaos magic. I've also been an auto didact most of my life.
Concerns around ego balance and management were some of the primordial nexus points for my growth on this path. I felt that I had observed a great deal of egoism in the world and would try to augment my thoughts, behaviors, and actions accordingly, attempting to avoid promoting anything similar. The way "ego" is often spoken of also seems to be couched in negative connotations.
It became an ongoing program running in the background of my mind. I became neurotically obsessive.
This position and practice over time became overextended; with depression in the picture as well, in trying to "manage" my ego, I have in some ways destroyed it.
Example: I work hard on my body; my body is my temple. While observing my physique in the mirror this morning, I thought "I'm looking pretty good." Immediately after came a series of thoughts connected to feeling of guilt or shame for thinking that I looked good in that moment. I felt egotistical.
This feeling permeates many areas of my life. I'm sure you can imagine.
It's hard to give myself any credit. It's hard to let in a believe compliments of many kinds.
Why I feel bad/aweful/guilty/ashamed thinking some of the thoughts I think
No wonder I deal with so much action paralysis and feel unaccomplished, and seemingly get very little done! :lol:
No wonder spiritual, psychedelic and philosophic work is that much harder to do.
And I find this funny, in a dark humor kind of way, that such mismanagement of such a goal can lead to such a "traumatic" conundrum. I've lost/forgotten how to really feel balanced (and sometimes goodness) and to allow it.
This is also an example of overgeneralizing.
At least now, I see it and I know .
Something to be balanced, explored, and managed.
The ego, despite how it's spoken of (and not discounting the amalgam of abstract manners in which the ego is seen how it is (ie, combinations of philosophies and practices to which the word "ego" is used and applied, eg. Buddhist, Hindu, Freudian, western philosophical practices and traditions, etc.)) is not something to be "rid" of. It is part of our being, it is what allows the self to operate as a singular function (such that, ego death can be interpreted not as the elimination of the self, but as the period of ego shutoff in which the self is indifferent to being a self; that is when we feel the self has dissolved and combined with the whole, the self is still extant). Many individuals are run and ruled by their egos. The goals should be to balance it.
Note: the feeling of being egotistical even comes up in sharing posts like these :lol:
Thank you for reading.
One love
Early on (in my teenage years), I have had my mind on ideals of Enlightenment and Transcendence and have done what I have felt would better lead me down that path. One of the first steps was in observing many of the world's most prominent messiahs were divergent; they figured things out on their own aside from the cultural frameworks they were born into and inherited; they forged their own paths. So I chose to do the same, often gleaning from other sources but not committing to any one practice or tradition. It's a synonymous function to that found in chaos magic. I've also been an auto didact most of my life.
Concerns around ego balance and management were some of the primordial nexus points for my growth on this path. I felt that I had observed a great deal of egoism in the world and would try to augment my thoughts, behaviors, and actions accordingly, attempting to avoid promoting anything similar. The way "ego" is often spoken of also seems to be couched in negative connotations.
It became an ongoing program running in the background of my mind. I became neurotically obsessive.
This position and practice over time became overextended; with depression in the picture as well, in trying to "manage" my ego, I have in some ways destroyed it.
Example: I work hard on my body; my body is my temple. While observing my physique in the mirror this morning, I thought "I'm looking pretty good." Immediately after came a series of thoughts connected to feeling of guilt or shame for thinking that I looked good in that moment. I felt egotistical.
This feeling permeates many areas of my life. I'm sure you can imagine.
It's hard to give myself any credit. It's hard to let in a believe compliments of many kinds.
Why I feel bad/aweful/guilty/ashamed thinking some of the thoughts I think
No wonder I deal with so much action paralysis and feel unaccomplished, and seemingly get very little done! :lol:
No wonder spiritual, psychedelic and philosophic work is that much harder to do.
And I find this funny, in a dark humor kind of way, that such mismanagement of such a goal can lead to such a "traumatic" conundrum. I've lost/forgotten how to really feel balanced (and sometimes goodness) and to allow it.
This is also an example of overgeneralizing.
At least now, I see it and I know .
Something to be balanced, explored, and managed.
The ego, despite how it's spoken of (and not discounting the amalgam of abstract manners in which the ego is seen how it is (ie, combinations of philosophies and practices to which the word "ego" is used and applied, eg. Buddhist, Hindu, Freudian, western philosophical practices and traditions, etc.)) is not something to be "rid" of. It is part of our being, it is what allows the self to operate as a singular function (such that, ego death can be interpreted not as the elimination of the self, but as the period of ego shutoff in which the self is indifferent to being a self; that is when we feel the self has dissolved and combined with the whole, the self is still extant). Many individuals are run and ruled by their egos. The goals should be to balance it.
Note: the feeling of being egotistical even comes up in sharing posts like these :lol:
Thank you for reading.
One love