redsquirrel
squirrel
Hello friends,
As some of you know, I recently ended up taking an ambulance to the emergency room. I know I have been talking about this over in the Chat Hall, but it was such a significant experience that I wished to get some more feedback. It is going to be pretty difficult to relate what I was going through, and I have had very little sleep for the past two days, so forgive me if this tale leaves you scratching your heads.
About twelve years ago I underwent a near-fatal drug overdose. As can be expected, this experience had a major impact on my young mind. It was enough to scare me straight, and I went sober for three years. I was also diagnosed with PTSD and began suffering panic attacks.
For many months these panic attacks dictated my life. They occurred on a daily basis and I began to fear leaving the house. I was put on an insane amount of Xanax, which made day to day life barely tolerable. Through the blessings of time and a dedication to health and sobriety the panic attacks started to subside, and eventually I stopped taking the benzos altogether.
I still have panic attacks from time to time, but they are usually insignificant. I have been involved with Buddhism from a very young age (my parents were Buddhists), so meditation is my secret weapon for dealing with these. I never felt the need keep benzos around.
On Thursday night, I was hanging out in the Chat Room, which has become a new habit for me of late. I felt the beginning of a panic attack start to stir. No big deal. I excused myself from the conversation and focused on some simple deep breathing and awareness techniques.
This started around midnight, and it quickly became apparent that this was not going to be an ordinary, run-of-the-mill, nothing to worry about panic attack. The details are going to get pretty vague at this point. For the next eight hours, until an ambulance was called, I went through the most intense and bizarre episode that I have ever experience while not under the influence of drugs. Remember, I have had hundreds of these things, over the course of twelve years.
I entered a very psychedelic (for lack of a better term) state. It was much like the waking dream state of the ayahuasca experience. I could feel the presence of three snakes within my chest. These snakes would squeeze my heart, causing immense chest pains and dizziness. I couldn't stand on my own and was pouring sweat. My face was dead white and my skin clammy.
I didn't think that I was going to die, I knew that I was going to die. I knew that these snakes could kill me at any moment, and that they would when they were done playing with me. I started to hallucinate. Everything looked different and glowed with auras. My mother came down to comfort me. I didn't even recognize her. I thought that she was a spirit from the other side, waiting to pull me over the boundary of death. I was also reliving vivid scenes from my past. I was filled with regret and terror.
Now, most of you are thinking why I waited eight hours to call an ambulance. Both my parents and I have seen enough panic attacks to know that they pose no real threat. Although you feel like your dying, you are actually relatively safe. I knew that this was different, though. I feel that I was very close to death in some way. I feel that the doors between life and death were open and I was straddling the boundary.
I am also out on bail. I was afraid that if I went to the hospital they would take my blood and I would show up positive for something stupid. That would mean that I would go back to jail and my parents were going to be out ten grand. I know that shouldn't be a question when it comes to a possible fatal situation, but I was not thinking clearly. This kept up for eight hours. My parents finally called an ambulance when I collapsed.
When the ambulance arrived I was in rough shape. Its crazy, when I got to the hospital all of my vitals were perfectly normal. The doctors assured me that I wasn't in any danger at all. I really can't describe how I felt that night, but something was going on and it wasn't just in my head. I think that it was a very real possibility that I could have died. The spirits were waiting for me. It was so intense.
So the doctors told me nothing was wrong and gave me one Ativan and sent me on my way. Within an hour of being home the whole thing started again, and I had to work my way through it for another four hours. By this time my mind was shot. I really didn't know what I was, if I was dead or alive. I have been having mini-episodes, much like aftershocks. I managed to get three hours of sleep last night and am starting to feel like I am finally safe.
I want to emphasize that I have been dealing with this for years, but nothing like at this level. Panic attacks usually last an hour tops, and this was eight hours of non-stop intensity. My body felt so close to death. I almost think that this could be considered a near-death experience.
As I have written elsewhere, I am facing some serious drug charges. I have started using ayahuasca for the first time in my life and had six sessions all within weeks of each other. I am sure the stress from my legal woes contributed to the attack, but I wonder if I didn't attract some hostile spirits during my journeys. This was nothing like I have ever experienced. I am doing my best, but I really can't convey how I felt and what I saw that night.
Well thank you for your time. I know this is a kind of strange "trip report." Hopefully my next one wont be so dark, with leprechauns and dancing maidens. I was going to drink some of my super-potent chali brew this weekend, but I think that I need to give myself some time. I have paid sever consequences for pushing the boundaries. For now I am happy with just being alive. I am also grateful for everybody here, I have met many good folks. This rodent feels right at home in his new neck of the woods. Onward ho!
As some of you know, I recently ended up taking an ambulance to the emergency room. I know I have been talking about this over in the Chat Hall, but it was such a significant experience that I wished to get some more feedback. It is going to be pretty difficult to relate what I was going through, and I have had very little sleep for the past two days, so forgive me if this tale leaves you scratching your heads.
About twelve years ago I underwent a near-fatal drug overdose. As can be expected, this experience had a major impact on my young mind. It was enough to scare me straight, and I went sober for three years. I was also diagnosed with PTSD and began suffering panic attacks.
For many months these panic attacks dictated my life. They occurred on a daily basis and I began to fear leaving the house. I was put on an insane amount of Xanax, which made day to day life barely tolerable. Through the blessings of time and a dedication to health and sobriety the panic attacks started to subside, and eventually I stopped taking the benzos altogether.
I still have panic attacks from time to time, but they are usually insignificant. I have been involved with Buddhism from a very young age (my parents were Buddhists), so meditation is my secret weapon for dealing with these. I never felt the need keep benzos around.
On Thursday night, I was hanging out in the Chat Room, which has become a new habit for me of late. I felt the beginning of a panic attack start to stir. No big deal. I excused myself from the conversation and focused on some simple deep breathing and awareness techniques.
This started around midnight, and it quickly became apparent that this was not going to be an ordinary, run-of-the-mill, nothing to worry about panic attack. The details are going to get pretty vague at this point. For the next eight hours, until an ambulance was called, I went through the most intense and bizarre episode that I have ever experience while not under the influence of drugs. Remember, I have had hundreds of these things, over the course of twelve years.
I entered a very psychedelic (for lack of a better term) state. It was much like the waking dream state of the ayahuasca experience. I could feel the presence of three snakes within my chest. These snakes would squeeze my heart, causing immense chest pains and dizziness. I couldn't stand on my own and was pouring sweat. My face was dead white and my skin clammy.
I didn't think that I was going to die, I knew that I was going to die. I knew that these snakes could kill me at any moment, and that they would when they were done playing with me. I started to hallucinate. Everything looked different and glowed with auras. My mother came down to comfort me. I didn't even recognize her. I thought that she was a spirit from the other side, waiting to pull me over the boundary of death. I was also reliving vivid scenes from my past. I was filled with regret and terror.
Now, most of you are thinking why I waited eight hours to call an ambulance. Both my parents and I have seen enough panic attacks to know that they pose no real threat. Although you feel like your dying, you are actually relatively safe. I knew that this was different, though. I feel that I was very close to death in some way. I feel that the doors between life and death were open and I was straddling the boundary.
I am also out on bail. I was afraid that if I went to the hospital they would take my blood and I would show up positive for something stupid. That would mean that I would go back to jail and my parents were going to be out ten grand. I know that shouldn't be a question when it comes to a possible fatal situation, but I was not thinking clearly. This kept up for eight hours. My parents finally called an ambulance when I collapsed.
When the ambulance arrived I was in rough shape. Its crazy, when I got to the hospital all of my vitals were perfectly normal. The doctors assured me that I wasn't in any danger at all. I really can't describe how I felt that night, but something was going on and it wasn't just in my head. I think that it was a very real possibility that I could have died. The spirits were waiting for me. It was so intense.
So the doctors told me nothing was wrong and gave me one Ativan and sent me on my way. Within an hour of being home the whole thing started again, and I had to work my way through it for another four hours. By this time my mind was shot. I really didn't know what I was, if I was dead or alive. I have been having mini-episodes, much like aftershocks. I managed to get three hours of sleep last night and am starting to feel like I am finally safe.
I want to emphasize that I have been dealing with this for years, but nothing like at this level. Panic attacks usually last an hour tops, and this was eight hours of non-stop intensity. My body felt so close to death. I almost think that this could be considered a near-death experience.
As I have written elsewhere, I am facing some serious drug charges. I have started using ayahuasca for the first time in my life and had six sessions all within weeks of each other. I am sure the stress from my legal woes contributed to the attack, but I wonder if I didn't attract some hostile spirits during my journeys. This was nothing like I have ever experienced. I am doing my best, but I really can't convey how I felt and what I saw that night.
Well thank you for your time. I know this is a kind of strange "trip report." Hopefully my next one wont be so dark, with leprechauns and dancing maidens. I was going to drink some of my super-potent chali brew this weekend, but I think that I need to give myself some time. I have paid sever consequences for pushing the boundaries. For now I am happy with just being alive. I am also grateful for everybody here, I have met many good folks. This rodent feels right at home in his new neck of the woods. Onward ho!
