She left.

[Philosopher]

I'm 18 so I'm an incoming freshman, and my girlfriend of 2 and a half years is going to college in a different state. She's my soul mate and ill love her forever, I feel like part of me just died and the other half is just living to breath. There's no reason to do anything if its not with her. I don't know who I am unless I'm next to her. Ill see her in four years, but I doubt it will be the same between us. I want her to be happy and I said its ok to find someone where she lives to make her happy, but it hurts so bad. I sound like a wus, I was fine before she came but now that I've felt true love I can't live without it. We were seeing each other literally every other day or 1 every 3 days, for hours. I loved to just lay with her and let everything melt away, I felt happy. I have depression, I've had it for a while, but I always knew it'd be ok because no matter what she can make me feel better. Now I'm all alone. I have no friends because she was my best friend, and my other friends all left to college too. I'm going to a college that I got a full ride to, and I only know one person who is going too. Now I think about dying everyday, but I know how much it would hurt her, and my parents. I'm not going to try anything, but I want to, I just wanna be gone. I wanna quit this game, it's not fun anymore. I have no one to tell this to, so don't feel obliged to try and help I just want someone, somewhere, to know how bad i feel. I started hurting myself again because she's not there to check for cuts, she was the only reason to stop, because it hurt her more than me. She's too busy for me now, I understand. I'm not mad at her, it's not her fault. She doesn't seem to be hurting as much as me, it's probably just because she doesn't have depression, but now it feels like its because she loved me less. I know it's not true, it just feels like it. Everything reminds me of her. I did everything with her, and half the things I see make me need to cry. She was perfect, the prettiest girls I know, so nice, so caring, and an amazing singer. Now I listen to her songs and her voice feels like a knife in my heart. No one can help, no one can change anything, that's just the way it is. We are broken up, because that's what we agreed on. She's not mine anymore.

I'd give anything to touch her again. I wanna hug her, and smell her, and feel her soft skin. I'm just alone in this bed and it hurts too much. Why should I even get out of bed in the morning, I know I won't be able to see her. It's like all the oxygen is gone and its only a matter of time. I miss her smile. I miss her blue eyes. I miss her laugh. I see her in my dreams, I lay with her and think its real, until I wake up and reality shows no mercy. All these memories are killing me, but I don't want to forget.

 

[jamie]

Sorry. It is going to suck for a while man. I would like to tell you that it wont but I would be lying. Don't fear though, it will also get better after a period. You are young and you will meet other women, trust me.

Please don't cut yourself..and do it for you not for anyone else. Spend some time getting to know your own energy for a while and don't worry so much about the anxiety and longing, it is sopposed to be there. I means your human. This is something that we all go through/have been through at some point. It really does feel horrible I know. It feels like a part of you just shriveled up and died and you cant swallow without that lump in your through, your stomache burns and you just want to sit there and cry. I know. But trust it..It will pass, and things will change and new experiences and people will come into your life.

 

[hostilis]

I've been there buddy. It happened to me when i was 18 as well. But trust me, it will go away and there will be other women in your life. It will pass. It seems hard right now i know. Please don't hurt yourself over it, it's not worth it. You can use this time to get to know yourself. Learn how to be happy in your own skin and not be dependant on somebody to be happy. It is something we all have to do sometime in our lives. You life is just starting trust me. When you get out of high school a lot changes, internally and externally. You have a lot of growing to do ahead of you. Soon enough you'll look back and wonder why you were even so distraught about it. Trust me. I've been through the same thing.

Life keeps going even when things like these happen, you just have to move on. It wont be easy. When this happen to me i was crying almost all the time for two weeks and then wasn't very happy for months. But now I look back and realize that it was mostly just puppy love. You will be okay in time.

 

[Metanoia]

You're still young and have a whole life ahead of you. It will never feel the same as that first time, love. And those memories will never leave you. Cherish them. The pain and sadness you're feeling right now will fade with time. Your love for her won't, because love is forever

Just try to realize how much joy and happiness she brought into your life and be grateful for being given the chance to share a part of your life with someone so beautiful.

Giving up is never the answer. It's one of the truest tests of a person what he does while facing adversity. You're stronger than you think, you'll keep going, and you'll learn to live without her. Best wishes.

 

[sleepypelican]

i know this is a little redundant now but, i know how you feel man. take some solace in that fact, that everyone that has responded has said the exact same thing, because its true, we all know how you feel. women have a way with breaking hearts, that's why we have the music of John Lee Hooker Hank Williams and the like. stay positive, a lot of people never even get to experience those feelings, and its not like the relationship ended on a bad note, so who knows, maybe it's not over it just needs to be...adjusted to fit the circumstances.Like eric idle sings when hes tied up to the cross in the "life of brian", keep on the bright side of life

 

[Jin]

i say the best thing to do is enjoy yourself and abandon your suffering ,

 

[null24]

This is your pain, and as such out is the strongest most powerful and only pain in the universe right now for you.

I can tell you a couple things that will not alleviate that pain, but may help you see it for what it is.
This is a rite-of-passage for all those willing to learn how to love. We've all been there. When I lost my first love, the entire world lost color,there wad nothing good, for a while.
I changed my environment, moved away, I don't know and am not suggesting that to you as a possibility, I'm just saying.
But I began doing new things, listening to new music, going new places, meeting new people, and pretty soon, the distractions led to meaningfulthings, and new people came around.
I'm with a wonderful woman now, and at the time, I didn't think another one existed. She does, man, and she's out there, maybe thinking the same dumb shit you are.

And nobody, nobody, who doesn't share your blood at least, us with hurting yourself over. I'm witness every day to the destruction caused in the lives of those who remain after a person who felt unloved decided to commit self harm.

You'll be fine, this is life man, I wish I could do more to show you how it will be, look in my crystal ball or read your cards, but for certain, you'll stop hurtin. Maybe try NOT to communicate to much with her, do your own thing.

Seriously, new things man.

Peace brother, peace.

 

[Nathanial.Dread]

I'm sorry to hear that. Heartbreak is one of the most painful experiences imaginable. To say anything left would be a lie.

There is a bight side though: starting college is one of the most exciting, mind-blowing, life-changing experiences you'll ever have. A new place, new people, and an entirely new start. It's okay to grieve for you loss, but I imagine in the whirlwind of starting an entirely new life, you'll find your legs again pretty quickly.

Blessings
~ND

 

[Bill Cipher]

I'm sorry to hear it, kid. This is something most everyone goes through at some point. It's just a part of growing up.

There's no pain like relationship pain, but it will pass and you'll move on from it. Trust me when I say that years from now you'll look back on this from the rearview of a bunch of different relationships, and it will no longer hurt or have any power over you whatsoever.

But do stop cutting yourself right now. That's not cool at all.

 

[adam]

I know what you are going through, I felt physically ill when me and my longtime girlfriend split. Instead of cutting, go exercise, thats what I did anyways I exercised and just stayed physically active, and it helps you feel better about yourself, and you start looking better and getting confidence back. So thats my advice just exercise every single day until you feel better.:thumb_up: And remember grief is a natural part of healing. Also strongly advise to not talk to her.

 

[Nathanial.Dread]

I actually want to talk about cutting, as that is something that I did for a while, to deal with depression and a host of other personal issues, and a lot of people have misconceptions about it, even as they talk like experts.

First and foremost: I am not going to tell you not to cut, no one should. Saying things like "that's not cool," or "you should stop that right away" are not the way you should talk to someone who is engaged in self-harm. I am not coming out in favor of cutting as a coping mechanism, but I am prepared to deal with the realities of the situation. One day, I am sure, all of this will be a memory and you will have wonderful new people in your life and feel no need for self harm.

Anecdote time:

Back when I was at the height of my depression and self harm, a very dear friend convinced me to see a therapist, which I reluctantly did. The first thing he told me, and this shocked me, is that cutting is not bad in-and-of itself. Like anything else (drinking, exercising, hell, even psychedelics), it's a personal coping mechanism, and what you need to keep in mind how you're using it and for what. There are some things you should know though, and I say this, not as someone who is in favor of cutting in any way, but as someone who knows what you're going through and feels passionately about harm reduction.


- Make sure the blade you are using is CLEAN. The last thing you want is infections under your skin or in your blood. It happened to me: I was cutting for the endorphin rush that temporarily dealt with the depression, but I ended up with an infected wound. Believe me when I say that that was not the outcome I wanted. I'm sure you don't want it either.

- Make sure you know where you're cutting. The most common thing is horizontal lines along the inner forearms. The problem with that is that a lot of major tendons run through there (especially the underside of your wrists), and if you get too enthusiastic, you might do serious damage to your hands. I met a girl once who permanently lost the ability to fully move her fingers because of cutting. That's not what you want, I'm sure. The same is true of the inner thigh: that can be dangerous as several major blood vessels run through there.
If you absolutely must cut make sure it's a place where you won't accidentally do major unintended damage.

- Be aware that people will notice, and you will scar. Unless you cut someplace really obscure, someone will notice the wounds, and knife scars hang around for a long time. I'm long since over that phase, but I still notice people staring at my forearms where the scars remain, and it becomes a perennial topic of really uncomfortable conversation. I know that when people meet me and see those scars they make certain judgements about me. Think about the long-term impacts of your actions. Even if you don't cut in an obvious place, one day you may be getting hot and heavy with a lover (yes, you will have another one, I promise), and once your shirt comes off and they see the scars, it becomes a whole new thing. It's happened to me.

- Talk to someone. I would say the same thing to someone who was drinking away their problems. You are essentially self-medicating (although without the drugs), and anytime someone has issues that deep, they should seek someone out. It doesn't have to be a therapist or your parents (I know that those conversations can be painful, especially at 18 ), but maybe just a close friend. They should know you're cutting, if for no other reason, that if you make a mistake and need help, they know the circumstances and the context for the injuries and how to react. They should also be a source of emotional support.

No one gets through issues alone. We're social creatures, we're not built for a solo life. That is a fact.

Is it possible for someone to healthily and safely use cutting as a means of release, in the same way that some people have a drink after work or smoke a joint? The jury is still out on that one, but I think it is. Your body is your own and no one elses. If something works you, that is your choice.

But please think seriously about what you're doing. Think about what it means down the road, long term, what you're trying to accomplish with it, and talk to someone else about it. I'm sure you will find the other perspective and help they will undoubtedly offer very helpful.

Sorry for the wall-o-text, but responsibly dealing with self-harm is something important to me, and I see a lot of well-meaning people completely miss the boat when it comes to talking about it in a realistic way. Ideally, we'd live in a world where no one felt the need to cut, but honestly, if I knew someone was on the fence between cutting and popping OxyContins, I'd hand them the knife myself.

Of course, I'd make sure it was clean, first.

Blessings
~ND

EDIT: One last thing I will point out is that cutting doesn't even have to be a symptom of depression in all people. There are strong religious and mystical traditions that involve transcendent experience through a process called 'mortification of the flesh.'

 

[Metanoia]

I can appreciate the above post in that I see this community as being one of spreading the message of harm minimization. Sounds ironic, when you're talking about self-harm.

All I can say is cutting is not a solution for anything. It may give you some temporary relief from the overwhelming emotions, but it is like an addiction to drugs or sex or video games or anything else. It will only harm you in the long term. You're not a wus or pussy or anything else if you ask someone else for help. Just reach out and ask for it and you can change the way you feel.

 

[Orion]

Put the razor down dude, this is what the fiery tests of life feel like. You can't forge a soul without fire that burns, and I think we both know losing love hurts like hell.

But you are pretty young and besides, if she left was it that serious ? Maybe I'm oversimplifying things here but... she left dude... she's not worth tears if she f*cked you off! So far as I'm concerned anyway. Wait till the burn dies down, just let yourself feel it, don't bottle it up, but don't do anything stupid. If you're in pain, be in pain. Fire needs fuel and no fuel lasts forever.

I guarantee when you find a new flame this will look cold.

 

[Changafarian]

Think all has been said that you need to know but i will nevertheless pitch in as i too know the terrible feeling and sympathise greatly with those going through it,it is all the negative destructive emotions all in one package and your world indeed falls apart.

College is a notorious relationship breaker it happens frequently sometimes on your note and sometimes on a bad note,like me,ex gf and me were madly inlove she was 18 me 20 and already working constantly sacrificing for the relationship(boy was i stupid) she graduated got into college and everything changes(details wont be gone into since i dont want to stress you any further as it might get under your skin thinking about it already being broken)then boom only aftyer month breakup and got rebounded with some rich surfer dude(i grew to love sharks alot:twisted: )

I was a sad angry mess for a good few months too crying often and slept very difficult and when i did she haunted my dreams every night,all this will pass though friend as i too escaped the vortex of hate and have forgiven but not forgotten so i cut her out of the picture which is crucial IMO hanging around something that was and cannot be again lenghtens the process,even worsens,its gonna be a tough time but you will harden through the experience take your time with it and dont rush letting it pass it often leads to extremes leaving you in regret and more pain.

Lot of things contributes to the healing,to me nexus was a great part and a dear friend and his wise words "save money,plant trees/plants,be with friends and keep busy"and"you think you lost the ONE but everyone is different everyone is special in their own way"
nowadays i live happier then i was even with her contently alone and enjoying life free of stress or worries of will this or that be good enough for this person.

you too will find your light at the end of the tunnel my advice instead of harming your self start your own little projects whatever they may be you'll find constructing to feel more great then deconstructing and just enjoy college life and life ahead the realisation will come as lifes challenges gets more with studies deadlines eventually bills etc etc it all will seem as nothing but a growth pain.

Be strong friend and keep up the good fight
wish your soul lots of peace

 

[Philosopher]

Thanks guys. I didnt realize how many people feel like me, I just felt really alone. As for cutting, its time to end that shit, even i like the feeling i know its just causing more pain and destruction. Maybe ill start back up my mushroom grow, that kept me busy last time. Its only been a week and i feel very than before, it feels horrible, but it could be good. Like you guys said about starting kver, that thought really hurts but thats all i can do at this point i have to make the best of it. I love you guys. You make me see how good people can be. And i wanna be that way too. Im going to take lsd tonight, that helps me in changing perspectives. Especially when im stuck in a loop or mood ya know. Im just a su jer for love, it makes me happy and idk when ill find one as good as that. Idk if i will. But im not giving up. Ill get back to you guys thanks for the support and relations.

 

[adam]

I love you too, good luck with your trip I hope it provides the momentum you need for a fresh start.

 

[Orion]

Sounds like a plan Philosopher :thumb_up:

 

[jamie]

I think its good to try to stop seeing the person as some kind of saint, or perfect etc..and like others said just cut off all contact with them for a good while. We can often build people up and idealize about who they are when involved. It can be sobering to take a step back and see them for they're own faults and not necessarily blame them, but realise that you can do better, and probly deserve better. You deserve someone who is willing to stick around etc to be with you. You have to experience this to learn that though.

Trying to remain friends can be the worst thing possible for some. It doesn't have to be personal. It's just how these things go.

 

[hostilis]

Sounds like a good plan my man! Keep your head up buddy. A lot of us have been through this before and we all know that it gets better.

I look back now at the relationship in high school that broke my heart when it ended and I don't even feel the slightest bit of sadness.(This was 5 years ago now) At the time i thought my life was over and that i couldn't go on without her. Now I feel happy that it happened because in the end it taught me a lot about how relationships work and it is something that i took with me into life.

Find some hobbies, discover who you are, learn how to be happy in your own skin, start up your shroom grow, and please don't hurt yourself anymore.

 

[Philosopher]

She just seemed perfect. Especially now that she's gone and I cant see her faults. One thing though is that she hated me smoking weed or taking mushrooms, even though she could drink. But that's understandable she's catholic and I can't blame her, it's more of society's fault. Hopefully I find someone with a wide open mind, who doesn't judge. I always wanted to trip with her but there's no way in hell she would ever do that. I did it and hung out with her but it would've been better if she did too. But she was so nice and caring, I've never met any girl so nice. That's way more important. She's so smart and cute too. Ugh. It's worse because I'm shy and never approach girls as cute as her. I feel like the rest of my relationships will all be downhill from here.

The trip didn't go to well. We used to always lay on the couch in my basement together and I ended up crying on the couch alone for a long time, I thought if I let it out I would be better but there's so much I could cry all day and still tear up everytime I think of her.

I'm gonna dive into my studies and try to stay focused. The cool thing is I'm starting organic chemistry this year, I've been excited about that for a while. Now ill be able to talk to you guys about extracts and not be utterly lost.