slight problem

[ledsmoke]

I recently tripped and told myself I knew nothing and believed it. From there I had felt like I lost everything, ex: thoughts, memories, beliefs, connection, awareness, intelligence. I became anxious and now I psychoanalyze myself questioning everything. I then waited about 2 weeks and decided to trip again to try and reverse this but it made it worse due to lingering thoughts in my subconscious. I feel more lost after. Now I feel I'm living in my mind and I do not feel at home in my body. I understand this is all in my head and I create my world. My main question is can I return to this state and if so how? The problem is that I believed my thought and identified with it. Anxious/depersonalization
Also must we be aware of the bad in the world, I have a strange theory that if we believe in all the bad we propel it? Example would be global politics, as well as just the truth of whats going on in countries. While it's not necessarily bad is it something to be aware of?
Now i'm constantly trying to attain my previous state which could be a bad thing but can I make my mind destroy the lies I threw at it and return?

 

[brokenChild]

I recently tripped and told myself I knew nothing and believed it.

You can't ever lose everything, the memories and the connections etc are still there, just dormant because you're not "using" them, or are not accessing them. In any case your first mistake was believing that everything is "lost". If you choose to believe it out of free choice, fine, but the truth is not so. Another thing, if something is absolutely true, there's no need to "believe" it. It would be self-evident at 100% certainty.

I then waited about 2 weeks and decided to trip again to try and reverse this but it made it worse due to lingering thoughts in my subconscious. I feel more lost after. Now I feel I'm living in my mind and I do not feel at home in my body. I understand this is all in my head and I create my world. My main question is can I return to this state and if so how? The problem is that I believed my thought and identified with it. Anxious/depersonalization

The problem is that you created some idea (which, by the way, is based on thought to begin with, so your "thoughts" you haven't lost obviously, since you're creating so much unnecessary trouble for yourself with them). In any case, you can get identified with all kinds of nonsense and then convince yourself of it.... that doesn't make the nonsense "true" but it does shift your reality, or perception thereof. The problem is not the thought, but the identification with the thought... or identification in general.

Also must we be aware of the bad in the world, I have a strange theory that if we believe in all the bad we propel it? Example would be global politics, as well as just the truth of whats going on in countries. While it's not necessarily bad is it something to be aware of?
Now i'm constantly trying to attain my previous state which could be a bad thing but can I make my mind destroy the lies I threw at it and return?

I cannot change the state of things in syria, or lybia, or afghanistan, so I don't worry about it. Ultimately you should be aware of as many things as possible, be aware of every nuance of every moment in every place... but let's be real

You don't need to "attain your previous state" in the first place it's impossible, the mind is a changing phenomenon, you'll never be the same again exactly as you are now... every experience changes and shifts you constantly.

I think your main dilemma tho is getting back to "normalcy". The issue there lies in your attachment to the "lies" you threw at "your mind". You can't destroy lies, but you can detach yourself from them, and carry on with your life. Seems silly from the outward angle, I must say.

Once I ate 7g of mushrooms and convinced myself for 12 hours that I was permanently retarded... that was fun. No idea of self-identity whatsoever. Takes some time, but the truth reveals itself. Awareness is key. Seems like you just had a bad trip, got paranoid, and got tangled up in mind games. It will settle with time

 

[ledsmoke]

so simply wait it out? i just feel in limbo, empty.
i feel my awakening went to a mode of sleep.

My main problem is I question everything consistently.

 

[Aequitas_x]

so simply wait it out? i just feel in limbo, empty.
i feel my awakening went to a mode of sleep.

My main problem is I question everything consistently.

Questioning everything should never be considered a problem.

 

[brokenChild]

You can try going into that emptyness, with total awareness... that's what meditation is for.


But honestly my reply was not to "just wait it out", sure that can be part of it since it would take a little time to transition from identity issues and resume normal life function, but the main point is drop this attachment to a stupid idea because it's limiting and simply untrue.

Questioning everything is not bad, but on some level you need to develop trust on certain issues. That's a very fine line tho, use your own judgement and personal discrimination on the things that you feel are stable enough to trust.

Basically tho you just took a mental turn in the wrong direction for 2 weeks, and in those 2 weeks convinced yourself that this is who you are. So you kinda dug a hole, jumped in it, and now you want to dig yourself out of it... Stop digging, just jump out of the hole. Drop the attachment to the idea and stop building on it. Carry on as you normally would have 3 weeks ago before this trip, and things will fall into place

Tho if something happened in the trip itself that you have trouble integrating then we may be able to help

 

[brokenChild]

Also, it may help to put some distance between your thought process, and your awareness. So, for example, you can mentally say the word "thought" repetitively in your mind... and you'll notice two mechanisms functioning. One, is the mind, repeating the word "thought"... which, in itself is just a thought. The other mechanism is your awareness, or consciousness, of the whole process... so your mind is repeating "thought" and you are aware of this repetition. This awareness can be applied to your entire thought process. Make the awareness the ultimate filter

The other alternative is to blend awareness with mind, but then you're under the control of the mind. The mind is just a tool. If you make the tool the master, then you'll end up in all kinds of miserable situations. If you maintain awareness and use the tool, with awareness, then eventually you'll be able to discern what to do and how to go about it

 

[ledsmoke]

questioning your own thoughts negatively is bad. traditionally i am a skeptic though.

how do i just jump out? i believe it's untrue but there's a small part of me that wont let it be, therefore pushing it forward. Maybe it's a lack of strength or just fear?

Here's some background information regarding the trip, i have been using psys for about 2 years and i've had my awakening. I became fully immersed in the now. Found my self. Anyways I like playing reality games so i decided to see if I could still see the patterns and the flow I normally did. After a trip of becoming fully aware of awareness I told myself I know nothing and tried to be blank. I did this for about a week and during that time I allowed identifications in since I had lesser awareness. Then panic ensued as well as anxiety trying to regain what I felt i had lost. Then I tried to use about 340mics lsd to alleviate this and while my trip wasn't "bad" it wasn't healing but it just reestablished I'm a self fulfilling being.
My problem is making my awareness the boss at the moment. My mind is blown up since I've been feeding it.
I will try meditating though.

Thank you for the words of help, it's very much appreciated.

 

[brokenChild]

questioning your own thoughts negatively is bad. traditionally i am a skeptic though.

I think you're missing the basic point... questioning thoughts also comes from the mind, so you end up having one part of mind question what the other part of mind is producing... step out of this process and see both. There's no need to question thoughts, simple detached awareness of them is enough. The useless ones will drop on their own accord the more your awareness grows. So put your emphasis on being aware of the entire thought process, and less emphasis on the thoughts themselves. The significant thing is the awareness, simple "seeing" is enough

how do i just jump out? i believe it's untrue but there's a small part of me that wont let it be, therefore pushing it forward. Maybe it's a lack of strength or just fear?

To give you an idea, so I really like this one girl... like really, really (as far as I could tell anyway) but because of the distance between us at the moment I can't really be with her... so then I noticed I started desiring other girls around me more, and then started playing mind games of "well, just for the physical contact" girl-on-the-side justifications. Now, I understand and know that it's "wrong" and would strain my real relationship, if not destroy it completely, but the desire and the mental justifications I have built up over a couple month's time by feeding into the "maybe" idea and entertaining the possibility is actually growing on the daily. I've come to an impass, I either act on my impulse and carry through it completely, consequences and all, or I drop the desire and wait patiently for the girl that I care about more deeply... It's not a lack of strength, and it's not fear, it's a lack of understanding. So now I've built up this whole mental path of possibilities for myself, I know its wrong and will create problems for me if I act on it, so now the question is how to drop it?.... You just drop it. If you're holding a shoebox that I just gave you, and then I tell you there's a hornet's nest inside... you'll just drop it, or very carefully set it aside. And that would be that.

Here's some background information regarding the trip, i have been using psys for about 2 years and i've had my awakening. I became fully immersed in the now. Found my self. Anyways I like playing reality games so i decided to see if I could still see the patterns and the flow I normally did. After a trip of becoming fully aware of awareness I told myself I know nothing and tried to be blank. I did this for about a week and during that time I allowed identifications in since I had lesser awareness. Then panic ensued as well as anxiety trying to regain what I felt i had lost. Then I tried to use about 340mics lsd to alleviate this and while my trip wasn't "bad" it wasn't healing but it just reestablished I'm a self fulfilling being.
My problem is making my awareness the boss at the moment. My mind is blown up since I've been feeding it.
I will try meditating though.

Thank you for the words of help, it's very much appreciated.

No drug, or external substance can give you awakening; let this sink in as deep as possible because it's very significant. Some can be catalysts, in certain situations for a certain event. But no substance can give you truth, at the very best it may be able to give you a glimpse of it, but it would be a temporary state dependent on and induced by said substance. Truth is endogenous to your being, not external. It sounds like you may have had a breakthrough experience but then just didn't have enough understanding to properly integrate it into your life. Then you got identified with mind games/inventions/justifications and went further off kilter. Just bring more awareness in and everything will settle, this is where I said it would take time, but it's not inactive lethargic limbo time, it's time for you to become more aware of your situation and how to consciously process it and proceed from there. Meditation would certainly be a good start.


Also keep in mind I've had breaks, and experiences, and lapses of consciousness similar to what you're describing, but I've never actually "stayed awake" if that makes sense, so I can only help so much. Use whatever suggestions you find beneficial based on personal judgement

best of luck brother; seek truth within, not without

 

[brokenChild]

i believe it's untrue but there's a small part of me that wont let it be, therefore pushing it forward. Maybe it's a lack of strength or just fear?

One more thing; you don't KNOW it's untrue, that's why you resort to things like "believe" and that's why "a small part" of you "won't let it be, therefore pushing it forward". I would inspect this small part consciously, meditatively, and see what, if anything, there is to it. One more thing, drop this word "believe", truth doesn't require you to believe so don't be afraid to question. That which is true is 100% self-evident, so just stick to the facticity of the situation and let your personal awareness do the rest

Also, this may help with "belief", particularly starting 1:35 in, but the whole discussion is interesting

[YOUTUBE]

have fun

 

[ledsmoke]

Well it's the feeling that dropping it will still not give me my past awareness or mindset I think. As far as an awakening it came after a very long depression and suffering. My thoughts don't seem to flow freely when I try and watch for them, they hide. After trying to drop it each time I try and look for a change in mind. I feel stupid and lost. I truly am intelligent just have myself in a bind and now that i think about it I've made myself out to be somewhat hopeless I feel.
How to raise awareness? simply being aware of whats going on?
or how to have deatched awareness on thoughts?

How to have my thoughts flow once more?

During meditation should i just simply be aware of my breath? say anything to myself?

 

[olympus mon]

Could you elaborate more I am pretty confused what the problem is and what state do you keep referring to wanting to return to? What were you trying to reverse by tripping again?

DO you want to feel like you know nothing?

 

[ledsmoke]

the state is that of security, heightened awareness, knowledge, clear thinking, positivity. my true self.

I tried to reverse the belief that I told myself that. I tried to regain my self. Is the desire to gain this affecting it?

I do not wish to feel like I know nothing. I wish to just have my beliefs, my intellect, my clear understanding and awareness.

 

[brokenChild]

Let me ask you a question, 3 weeks ago how were you? prior to the trip that is... By "how were you" I mean energy levels, mood, general daily stuff

Did your "awareness awakening" happen in the trip?


So I'm trying to understand, were you just normally conscious, and then tripped, and then went hyperconscious, then lost it and fell a little below both on energy levels? which is where we are now?



Also you are aware of your thoughts already, you're aware of the fact they're "hiding" from you. Just keep that awareness and notice any little change as it comes up, they will flow freely on their own accord. There's nothing wrong with the mind, it's not the enemy, it's actually one of your greatest assets, when used while aware. Also to be aware, yet detached means not getting identified with the thought pattern.... not getting caught in the "dream". For example, the more you keep thinking about and feeding a particular thought process, the more it substantiates itself. The moment you become aware of this, you can stop feeding it, just watch it like you would watch a film strip... it just is, and you're watching it, aware of it. Not for, because if you're for it then you will continue getting identified with it and feeding it. Not agianst, because if you're against it then it won't let you see the full pattern because you've already judged it as "bad". Somewhere in between, neither for or against, just being aware of what is. And keep mental judgements out of your head, they're worthless. This "good" and "bad", don't place judgemental value on your thoughts and just see everything as it is, you'll develop an internal perception into them, "insight" if you will. And yes, you should try to be aware of everything you do.... breathing/talking/eating/etc... and then do everything with awareness

 

[ledsmoke]

energy levels were way up then, I was very positive and secure.


my awareness awakening was made months previous.

I had a high energy level and now it is quite low

 

[brokenChild]

energy levels were way up then, I was very positive and secure.


my awareness awakening was made months previous.

I had a high energy level and now it is quite low

So then what was the significance of the trip? In relation to your awareness? You say your awareness awakening was made months previous, was that also drug-assisted? or natural?

The thing is, you are right in your previous statement where you said "Well it's the feeling that dropping it will still not give me my past awareness or mindset I think". No trip can give you that energy back, because it leaked somewhere. Once it leaks, you have to build it from the ground up again. So, once its outside of you, once it goes out into existence it is gone, you cannot get it back. Of course we create more energy on the daily naturally, and there's ways to absorb energy from the outside but I'm not familiar with the method yet. And there's also meditation where you can just gather, or pool energy. At root bottom energy is just energy, there is no "good" or "bad", it's neutral... you can use it constructively (productively) or destructively.... dis-harmonic or unconscious actions can leak energy. I'm not sure where you leaked, somewhere you made a mistake, I would figure out where, and not repeat the same mistake (otherwise you pay for it again in the same fashion)

Outside of that there's nothing wrong with your "awareness", you just fell a few notes on the harmonic scale, but not the end of the world, just give it time and slowly rise again, but be alert

 

[ledsmoke]

I did something stupid.. I tripped again to try and beat it but I realized now whats going on. my trip fed off my subconscious fear and made the seed grow.

Awakening was natural and I was using trips to expand awareness to greater limits.

so in order to kill the seed must i just let it be and not bring thoughts to it at all since that feeds it or try to fight it by remembering everything I feel it has taken?

This trip left me real low though, almost passed out this morning.

Meditation, time, and not thinking about it will help it pass?

 

[brokenChild]

my trip fed off my subconscious fear and made the seed grow.



so in order to kill the seed must i just let it be and not bring thoughts to it at all since that feeds it or try to fight it by remembering everything I feel it has taken?

First of all, do not deny the fear. If you deny it, you repress it, then it sits in the basement of your unconscious and grows. Just let it be, be aware of it, but you don't have to "do" anything with it, per se. Secondly, you can't "kill the seed"... fear is an energy, a negative energy, but an energy nonetheless. You can't "kill" energy, but you can bring light in, and it will disperse.

We are on different paths, so I cannot really give you any more useful guidance because I simply do not have the experience with that particular direction. But, basically put, all fear has its roots in the fear of death. We fear what we do not understand, naturally (hence the clinging of the mind); total awareness and understanding will release you from the fear. That's the extent of my understanding of your particular problem

 

[tgun]

It just sounds like you are stuck in a thought process that is "self fullfilling" for lack of a better word. Somehow you think that you are lost and the more "lost" you think you are the more you worry about it. Those patterns/thought processes are hard to break sometimes but you also know the truth that you are not lost, just that you feel that way. It is ok to feel lost but think that if you are always thinking that im lost, you are not focusing your energy on anything that is positive in your life.

As you said, you are knowledgable smart and truthfull person. You did not "loose" anything on your trip so trying to find whatever it is seems kind of silly, truthfully, right? You are still you, it just seems like you are confused on which direction that you want or need to go in. Everybody I believe feels lost sometimes so try not to worry about that so much. You are not the only one or wierd somehow. Just focus on the next step of your life and where you want to go and go there. Start thinking How do I get where I want to be in life, then take steps to go in that direction.

 

[tgun]

Also you are conscious of your fear so it is not subconscious anymore. The seed that was planted isnt a physical seed that you cannot be rid of. Just try and quit dwelling on it. Focus your energy on something positive in your life and work on it instead.

 

[Aviator]

Time heals all. Give this time. Return to the things in life that give it meaning. DMT will be there when you're ready to return to it.

I've had similar experiences feeling empty after a journey for some time. I think the empty feeling was a sign for me to stop looking for answers through DMT use. I'm actually taking a break for a while until I resettle emotionally.