slightly traumatised, need advice

[sublime_ascension]

My name is Karl, I am 32 years old and I live in the UK. Ive had a traumatic experience from smoking DMT (as you know the active ingredient in Ayahuasca) thats left me suffering with really bad anxiety and terrified of death.

I took it hoping to heal from traumas and get answers to questions about my existence and well, existence in general. Unfortunately it has just left me with more questions and more confused and scared.

i CANT EVEN PUT THE EXPERIENCE INTO WORDS, but it was terrifying. Experienced eternity but with no claity. The last section of the journey before I came round, I was in total darkness and felt like I was about to experience every single one of my deepest physical and mental fears and the only thing stopping it was me not thinking about it but I knew that that was impossible so I rolled over and just as I thought it was about to happen I managed to see 2 rectangular lights which I now believe was me opening my eyes just, but at the time I thought it may have been god. I then managed to come round completely and just lay on the floor, shocked and I just cried.

Since then I've been terrified of death and can't stop thinking about it, its on my mind most of the time and I have constant anxiety. I just don't know what to do. I feel like maybe I'm going to a bad place when I die or that I'm a bad person in the eyes of the universe but I don't feel that I am. I've even wondered if we are all already in hell here on this earth and that creates terrible anxiety. I know this is unlikely. I just need some rest bite and some healing. I can't bear the thought of eternal suffering and I really feel like I need to know whats going to happen to us when we die.

Could you please give me some advice, Ive always been a very spiritual man, studied Reiki and tried to be a good person. I just don't know what else to do. I always intended to go to Peru and experience Ayahuasca with a proper shaman but I found out about DMT crystal and managed to get hold of some. Guess I got impatient. I was terrified before smoking it but just went for it. I was on my own with no guidance.


Please can you help me. Do you have some advice on what I should do?

Thank you and kind regards.

Karl

 

[obliguhl]

I feel like maybe I'm going to a bad place when I die or that I'm a bad person in the eyes of the universe but I don't feel that I am

tried to be a good person.

You appear to have a great fear of being judged wrong, to be seen as a bad person. Why is that? What in your past has made you focus your energy so much on that? Why do you think you might "deserve" punishment? What have you done? What have you not done? Or: Was it you afterall? Perhaps it happened as a child and you simply took responsibility for something that you were not responsible for- BECAUSE you were just a child, and rather helpless.

Its up to you how you want to frame this intense experience. It can still very well be a healing process if you let it be one. I have noticed that especially with freebase dmt, the real healing unfolds over the months after the experience.

Find out what it means!

Also, thank you very much for opening up to us, that was very important.
From your writings, you appear to be a very gentle, intelligent man who wants to find his place in the universe. There is nothing wrong with that - just know that at the end of the rainbow, there might be a paradox.

 

[○]

My name is Karl, I am 32 years old and I live in the UK. Ive had a traumatic experience from smoking DMT (as you know the active ingredient in Ayahuasca) thats left me suffering with really bad anxiety and terrified of death.

I took it hoping to heal from traumas and get answers to questions about my existence and well, existence in general. Unfortunately it has just left me with more questions and more confused and scared.

i CANT EVEN PUT THE EXPERIENCE INTO WORDS, but it was terrifying. Experienced eternity but with no claity. The last section of the journey before I came round, I was in total darkness and felt like I was about to experience every single one of my deepest physical and mental fears and the only thing stopping it was me not thinking about it but I knew that that was impossible so I rolled over and just as I thought it was about to happen I managed to see 2 rectangular lights which I now believe was me opening my eyes just, but at the time I thought it may have been god. I then managed to come round completely and just lay on the floor, shocked and I just cried.

Since then I've been terrified of death and can't stop thinking about it, its on my mind most of the time and I have constant anxiety. I just don't know what to do. I feel like maybe I'm going to a bad place when I die or that I'm a bad person in the eyes of the universe but I don't feel that I am. I've even wondered if we are all already in hell here on this earth and that creates terrible anxiety. I know this is unlikely. I just need some rest bite and some healing. I can't bear the thought of eternal suffering and I really feel like I need to know whats going to happen to us when we die.

Could you please give me some advice, Ive always been a very spiritual man, studied Reiki and tried to be a good person. I just don't know what else to do. I always intended to go to Peru and experience Ayahuasca with a proper shaman but I found out about DMT crystal and managed to get hold of some. Guess I got impatient. I was terrified before smoking it but just went for it. I was on my own with no guidance.


Please can you help me. Do you have some advice on what I should do?

Thank you and kind regards.

Karl

Why you should NOT take DMT.

Please read through the thread I linked. It's many pages but well worth the read. It'll let you know that many of us here have also experienced, to a more or less degree, what you've went through. DMT is very ..very powerful if delivered quickly and effectively, especially if the dosage is sufficient..

This stuff isn't a toy.

Just take time, enjoy life, enjoy things you like to do, hobbies, friends, things that get you engaging the world. Do these things, experience, and enjoy existence. Things will pass, you'll come around, things will settle, and the record will still be spinning....

:thumb_up:

 

[anrchy]

Take some time, put away the dmt for now and focus on your life. Don't take the experience so seriously. You need to integrate your experience and think about how your taking it compared to how you could apply what happened in a positive way. The thing about psychedelics is the rough experiences usually mirror our current mindset. It's very likely that if you were terrified right before dosing all you did was carry that over into the experience and that why you feel the way you are.

Over time you will get over it.

 

[Macre]

I think your mindset going into the experience might have played a part in this experience. Mindset is just as important as set and setting, in fact they pretty much go hand in hand.

Perhaps finding the best way you can get a handle on your depression and anxiety prior to a journey will enable you to start getting some benefit from plant medicines.

Easier said than done, I know that first hand, so do a lot of other members here. For me personally I found written CBT was extremely helpful in this respect, I was shocked how effective it was, for me.

I'm fine these days, but I still use CBT to this day, to aid in seeing the world in a balanced and pragmatic way.

Somewhere out there, there'll be a method that works for you. Once you've curbed the worst of it perhaps you could then consider another journey. This will take a lot of mental preparation and you should only do it if you're in the moment and you are most definitely feeling it.

Good luck my friend.

Peace

Macre

 

[Doc Buxin]

I've even wondered if we are all already in hell here on this earth and that creates terrible anxiety. I know this is unlikely.

It is just as likely as perceiving the world as heaven on earth with a smile on your face. It is all in the perspective.

Perspective can be a tricky thing though; not unlike the mastering of riding a bucking bronco at a rodeo.

 

[Felnik]

Try to choose a rational and reasonable explanation for what might have happened and stick to that . Not taking the experience too seriously is good advice that I support .
Weird things can happen and sometimes it can go wrong
Try to consider it a missfire of sorts. Try not to worry so much
I know that's eaiser said than done but try it.
Get yourself grounded in life stear clear of psychedelics for a while. Don't judge beware of human constructs like good and evil . Nature is nature . Stay positive you didn't do anything wrong at all .

 

[sublime_ascension]

Guys I really appreciate your comments here. Thank you, just the kind of supportive words I needed. I have been getting respite here and there and have definately taken some positive things from my experience also and can see that becoming clearer in the future. I think the biggest, scariest thing for me ( but I'm kinda getting my head around it) is the realisation of eternity. The fact that eternity is a very real thing and the thought that nothing is impossible scares the shit out of me but also excites me at the same time. Like you 've said, I think it's just going to take some integration and reflection. Thank you so much again. Feeling much better about things.

 

[Doc Buxin]

I think the biggest, scariest thing for me ( but I'm kinda getting my head around it) is the realisation of eternity.

This is precisely the reason why I have employed psychedelic substances as my allies for decades.

The fact that eternity is a very real thing and the thought that nothing is impossible scares the shit out of me but also excites me at the same time.

To me, our eternal nature is what is so wonderfully beautiful about being alive (or dead, or in between for that matter).

 

[○]

I think the biggest, scariest thing for me ( but I'm kinda getting my head around it) is the realisation of eternity.

This is precisely the reason why I have employed psychedelic substances as my allies for decades.

The fact that eternity is a very real thing and the thought that nothing is impossible scares the shit out of me but also excites me at the same time.

To me, our eternal nature is what is so wonderfully beautiful about being alive (or dead, or in between for that matter).

 

[DreaMTripper]

Welcome to the mystery Im sure as time goes on you will see the beauty in infinity and the spectrum of existence and it will help towards you feeling a unique part of this multiiverse and in turn provide you with a peace that you carry through in your day to day life. Therew is a really good thread somewhere on integration I suggest you read it.

 

[DreaMTripper]

As for treating your anxiety/stress on a day-to-day basis I highly recommend Gong music I am in a stressful period and Ive found it highly effective at eliminating my anxiety.
Heres a video that explains the benefits of sound therapy https://vimeo.com/ondemand/psymposia2015/125865370
and a track you can listen to..

 

[darklordsson]

I love what Tattvamasi, and anrchy said, I have no fear of what eternity has but i respectfully fear it, to have such feelings of what is, should be and isn't, is very strong feeling. I respect both comments to the fullest. Its okay to be afraid but don't let it consume you. Its just a lesson, but learn from it. Don't let it hurt you.
You sound like a very good person, a self seeker. Nothing wrong with that. But listen to yourself if there is a problem your gut will tell you, (gut feeling/sub-contentiousness) you will be fine seeking more. Its okay to ask questions.

Sincerely,

dls

 

[Intezam]

well... we recommend the lankavatara sutra, there is a nice video series on youtube called: Zen for absolute beginners. It ain't easy to become an absolute beginner....
[youtube]

BTW: William also suffers from occaisonal panicking attacks (also intezam) Only a fool would not be scared at eternity

 

[tregar]

sublime ascension said:

Ive had a traumatic experience from smoking DMT (as you know the active ingredient in Ayahuasca)

Thanks for sharing your experience. However, with all due respect, the most important ingredient in Ayahuasca is the caapi vine where the visions come from, the dmt is just there to brightly light up all the visions the caapi produces, I would recommend using real Ayahuasca (caapi vine brew) with only a bit of pysychotria added (10 to 15g of Hawaiian leaf) for beautiful meaningful visions and insight, don't let the dmt fireworks distract you by adding in lots of dmt to your real Ayahuasca. Terrence Mckenna was the one who popularized "dmt" as the active ingredient in Ayahuasca and that Caapi is only an MAO inhibitor for the dmt, this is completely wrong according to tradition, the Caapi is Ayahuasca & dmt is just an admixture to light up the visions from the caapi brightly. For a Spiritual man like yourself (and I am also very spiritual) imho you will find welcome spiritual relief in the traditional Ayahuasca vs. smoked dmt. If you get a chance check out Benny Shanon's book "Antipodes of the mind" where he writes of his 165 Ayahuasca experiences, divinity & spirituality is inherent to real Ayahuasca.

 

[medoslav]

I am not sure whether will this be helpful to you or not, but was helpful to me in times of anxiety or depersonalization:

In therms of "energy" fear or anxiety is when 6 th chakra (third eye) is weaker compared to first chakra (source of energy responsible of all experiences we have, source of kundalini). I presume all profound experiences, whether natural or drug induced are based upon kundalini rising to head.

Well , this technique is rather simple, forget all this indian theory behind it:

Lay down, be calm breath nicely calmly , cross your exes and look in the center where your eyebrows meet. Now close your eyes but maintain this crossed eyes position in the center of eyebrows (actually eyes are crossed and positioned up, can be little discomforting at the begining).

It helped me always, probably if it does not help you at the begining (first try) , do not use it ..
This will also clear your mind of fearfull thoughts.

 

[DmnStr8]

This is a perfect opportunity to learn about yourself. Learn about your fears. This difficult experience offers many lessons. Do not let your fear guide your way. Look to turn this difficult experience into a positive one.

Not every journey is going to be what we hoped and dreamed it would be. It is nice to have a great trip with no bumps. But there is no guarantee of that on life's journeys or DMT journeys. Make the best of it. It feels good at the end of a long difficult trip just knowing you were strong enough to get through it. Exhausted and bruised but now stronger.

 

[DeltaSpice]

Hi Karl,
It sounds to me like DMT is not for you.
If some thing left me upset and confused then I'd steer clear, hence im single

studied Reiki and tried to be a good person

Maybe you shouldn't try to be anything other than yourself?
Sorry if my advise was not helpful , I hope things pick up for you.
Good luck.

 

[travsha]

My spiritual journey started after I was drowning in the ocean and a spirit saved me. Really shattered my worldview and forced me to look at a lot of things - especially death.

It is normal to be scared of death, and I dont think I would blame this on DMT. Sounds more like the DMT brought you face to face with a fear you were ignoring. I know at least from my experience, I feared death because I wasnt living the life I wanted to - I wasnt happy with myself and my life, so I was scared to die - my life would have felt like a waste to me back in the day.....

This turned things around for me - I decided to live in a way so that if I died I would still feel like I got the most out of life. I learned to love myself and I embraced death by embracing life. It really helped me significantly - so it might help you as well.

For me, psychedelics really helped me pinpoint what was really important to me in life, and what my heart yearned for. While others suggest a break from DMT - I could see taking a break being fine, or working with psychedelics more to be fine as well. Go with your intuition. Sometimes you have to face some fears and let yourself get scared - that is how you overcome the fears.

One thing I will add.... In my experience Ayahuasca and DMT are very very different. The experience is almost nowhere even similar for me personally. And not all Ayahuasca has DMT either - many tribes and people drink it without DMT. I notice you compared them a lot and said you wanted to try Ayahuasca but instead tried DMT - whenever the time is right for you to work with Ayahuasca I think you will find it very different then smoked DMT.