Social Skills

[Operculum]

Hello nexians. I had a thought today I wanted to share with you and see what you guys think.

Why is it that humans are able to learn how to ride a bike, not ride a bike for several years, and then one day, hop back on the bike and ride with little trouble?

BUT

When it comes to social skills, if a person stops socializing for several years, and then one day goes out and starts to socialize again, its the most difficult thing to do?

Why does our social skill deteriorate so quickly?

Example: I was working a job with a bunch of really fun people a few years ago. I quit my job in order to have more time for school work. I found that after I quit the job, 2 weeks later I was noticeably in a lower mood. Shortly around the same time, I noticed that my social skills started to deteriorate fairly quickly as well. I could no longer get genuine laughs out of people nearly as often.

Its like our social muscle's need constant stimulation or else they atrophy VERY fast. And the process of getting those "social muscles" back is one of the biggest pain in the asses of my life!

 

[pitubo]

Maybe socializing is vastly more difficult than bike riding?

 

[Spiralout]

^^This, there are all different nuances in social interactions. But I know what you mean, I've spent the last year or so of my life pretty secluded and it's strange hanging out with people. I look at it like it's making you stronger, you get to rebuild who you are.

 

[thymamai]

All my life my social skills have been pretty terrible. And I moved quite frequently from school to school and one new town to the next, so my self confidence, as far as interacting with new people grew strong fairly quickly.

It is vastly more difficult. But I think also that it happens so quickly because the mind finds other ways to work and grow, and becomes more complacent, less tuned, vis a vis human interaction. I think heightened sensitivity is a factor also.. old topics of interest turn boring.

 

[SynKyd]

Hello nexians. I had a thought today I wanted to share with you and see what you guys think.

Why is it that humans are able to learn how to ride a bike, not ride a bike for several years, and then one day, hop back on the bike and ride with little trouble?

BUT

When it comes to social skills, if a person stops socializing for several years, and then one day goes out and starts to socialize again, its the most difficult thing to do?

Why does our social skill deteriorate so quickly?

Example: I was working a job with a bunch of really fun people a few years ago. I quit my job in order to have more time for school work. I found that after I quit the job, 2 weeks later I was noticeably in a lower mood. Shortly around the same time, I noticed that my social skills started to deteriorate fairly quickly as well. I could no longer get genuine laughs out of people nearly as often.

Its like our social muscle's need constant stimulation or else they atrophy VERY fast. And the process of getting those "social muscles" back is one of the biggest pain in the asses of my life!

It is all about the energy we share with each other I believe. If you make the effort to invest your time in others, the energy returns to you in greater ways, your mood, your attitude, your self-perceived social skills........these are all things you can control by pushing ego aside and being more human with everyone. Intentionally, daily.

One man's opinion-

~namaste

 

[Spiralout]

^^ I like the way SintsterKyd put it.

 

[Metanoia]

The way I see it is that a lot of social interaction isn't necessarily genuine.

Hear me out.

We don masks and play roles in social situations. When we're alone we are more honest with ourselves; the reason why some people who struggle with self-loathing will often surround themselves with people (they may not even care for) to stay as social as possible to avoid those moments of quiet introspection that inevitably come from being alone with your thoughts.

I've always seen social gatherings as being sort of theatrical. People show totally different personalities in larger social gatherings than they would if you were sitting one on one with them. And it doesn't even have to be a party or a large gathering, even just having one or two people there who aren't part of their 'inner circle' of friends will bring about massive personality shifts in some people.

When you spend enough time alone, these social masks and theatrics become irrelevant. Then when you're thrust back onto the stage, you naturally feel strange because of the perceived disingenuous interaction. You're out of practice, you've forgotten your lines and stage directions. There's this pressure to slide into a certain role, which goes against your true nature that you bask in when alone.

This is a philosophy I've had since early puberty. I saw the hypocrisy and fraudulent nature of the people I thought of as friends, and chose to look for more honest and genuine people to spend my time with. That was the end of my 'popularity' in school and social situations I chose to hang out with the misfits and outcasts, as they inevitably were much more authentic and interesting.

All this may sound cynical but it's true far more often than not. That doesn't mean you can't have meaningful interactions with people, it just means that a vast majority of those you'll interact with have so many walls built up, such an immense and intricate facade, that it can be very difficult to sift through it all to find the real person underneath.

Just be true to yourself and refuse to treat socializing like some sort of theater company performance. You'll get strange looks, nervous laughs, and maybe even outright animosity. But eventually you'll find 'the others' as Leary would put it

 

[Operculum]

Yes, I see social skills just like muscles. I recently took 3 weeks off from the gym due to illness. I am back in the gym, and HOLY CRAP, i was bench pressing 245 for 6x, and now i can only do 225 3x. So fast my body lost its previous state. I guess the same for social skills, you dont use em, you loose em!

I really enjoyed socializing as a teenager. As i moved into my 20's and now starting my 30's, socializing has become a burden where I feel defeated even when I get the slightest odd response from someone.

I've been trying to look at it like weight lifting. You can't expect to go into the Gym on day 1, even week 1, or EVEN MONTH 1 and expect to be a rockstar on the bench press. It takes time, dedication, and hard work. I too often beat myself up for not socializing as well as I think I should but it all comes down to the question of,

Have I put in the work to see the results that I want? If no, then I cannot realistically expect myself to perform well.

 

[RhythmSpring]

You may lose social skills very fast, but you can gain them back very fast, too. Don't underestimate the brain's plasticity, malleability.

I've actually been living alone for the past 3 months or so due to some pretty severe health issues, and also the desire to not have anyone else's energies interfere with what I see as an important life-changing process I'm going through.

But, when I *do* interact with people (say, shopping, or on the phone), I surprise myself with how present I am with people. Sure, there are some days where I'm avoiding eye contact, but most days, I feel so in myself and like I don't give a shit about other people's energies that I can be rooted in myself and, yeah, present.

Granted, I am taking Reishi, which helps with energetic boundaries, and other entheogens, which are helping me stay wise. And a little crazy. But I've pretty much accepted my craziness at this point.

The mind recovers quite quickly, you'll see. You just have to dance a little bit.

 

[tango]

Maybe you weren't meant to be a social butterfly to begin with, but you somehow ended acting like one. It could be that when you took some time off from socializing, you got more in touch with other aspects of your self, and the price you paid wsa losing some parts of the persona you had previously built .

 

[anrchy]

Hello nexians. I had a thought today I wanted to share with you and see what you guys think.

Why is it that humans are able to learn how to ride a bike, not ride a bike for several years, and then one day, hop back on the bike and ride with little trouble?

BUT

When it comes to social skills, if a person stops socializing for several years, and then one day goes out and starts to socialize again, its the most difficult thing to do?

Why does our social skill deteriorate so quickly?

Example: I was working a job with a bunch of really fun people a few years ago. I quit my job in order to have more time for school work. I found that after I quit the job, 2 weeks later I was noticeably in a lower mood. Shortly around the same time, I noticed that my social skills started to deteriorate fairly quickly as well. I could no longer get genuine laughs out of people nearly as often.

Its like our social muscle's need constant stimulation or else they atrophy VERY fast. And the process of getting those "social muscles" back is one of the biggest pain in the asses of my life!

I think your comparison is a little flawed.

Riding a bike /=/ social skills

Riding a bike is to talking as performing extreme tricks on a bike is to social interaction

 

[hixidom]

I think a lot it is due to the fact that what it means to be social evolves over time, which in turn is caused by the fact that much of how we socialize today involves the use of technology and technology is evolving very fast. I am in my mid-20s but, by a modern teenager's standards, I am probably somewhat anti-social since I don't know anything about twitterize, instagraph, or snaptalk.

So anyways, social skills seem to degrade because what it means to be socially skilled is constantly evolving to accommodate new social technologies.

 

[jamie]

I have never been very social, and in fact I have always felt extremely socially awkward. Ive had many people especially family in the past accuse me of being this way due to drugs, like cannabis and mushrooms, especially cannabis which I have used heavily in the past and still have a(less intense) relationship with.

I have however, always liked being alone...I would have rather gone skateboarding on my own, or sat at home and read a book or watched science fiction movies etc as opposed to go out and socialize even as a child before I ever encountered cannabis...of course being anti-social or socially anxious simply made socializing even worse because people tend to hold that against you and children can be extremely cruel. It never was drugs, or anything I can point a finger at or name..I just have always been this way.

I still spend more time off walking in the woods identifying local plants, reading books or sitting on the beach than I do socializing. It makes it hard to connect with women as well...and I worry that when I do end up dating they will take up too much of my time and I will feel pressured...interestingly the longest I lived with a woman was 3 years and I did not feel that way then, but I have in the past with other women.

I get lonely, but simply going out and trying to be social can make me feel even more lonely because I don't always feel like I fit in anywhere.

It's a strange feeling to want to be social and talk to people, while at the same time wanting your space to go off and be alone.

I become more and more comfortable with it though. At 30 I am much happier than I was at 20, and the friends I do have are very good ones.

 

[concombres]

I have never been very social, and in fact I have always felt extremely socially awkward. Ive had many people especially family in the past accuse me of being this way due to drugs, like cannabis and mushrooms, especially cannabis which I have used heavily in the past and still have a(less intense) relationship with.

I have however, always liked being alone...I would have rather gone skateboarding on my own, or sat at home and read a book or watched science fiction movies etc as opposed to go out and socialize even as a child before I ever encountered cannabis...of course being anti-social or socially anxious simply made socializing even worse because people tend to hold that against you and children can be extremely cruel. It never was drugs, or anything I can point a finger at or name..I just have always been this way.

I still spend more time off walking in the woods identifying local plants, reading books or sitting on the beach than I do socializing. It makes it hard to connect with women as well...and I worry that when I do end up dating they will take up too much of my time and I will feel pressured...interestingly the longest I lived with a woman was 3 years and I did not feel that way then, but I have in the past with other women.

I get lonely, but simply going out and trying to be social can make me feel even more lonely because I don't always feel like I fit in anywhere.

It's a strange feeling to want to be social and talk to people, while at the same time wanting your space to go off and be alone.

I become more and more comfortable with it though. At 30 I am much happier than I was at 20, and the friends I do have are very good ones.

I read thru this post & immediately identify with everything you've said.

I've felt like i was abnormal for being this way when i was younger but the older i get the more i encounter others who are the same way & in turn feel more comfortable with it.
Just seems to be a certain personality type:grin:

 

[RAM]

Doesn't the Nexus count as social interaction?

But like others have said they are not the same activity. One is much more complex than the other. Although of course this will vary in all people, but for many learning how to ride a bike is a rite of passage. Learning social skills can take years; people always seem to be evolving their social skills from high school to late in their careers.

I can easily recall how to ride a bike, but it's been a while since I've taken a Civics course. Although I am probably smarter now than I was in AP Government and I've had more exposure to the world, remembering what the Twenty-First Amendment says is much harder than pushing on some pedals. I'm sure there are better examples...

Anyway if you want to improve your social skills, there's lots of nifty resources online!

 

[Jin]

living alone in seclusion for more than 7 years now ,

so yeah , got nothing to say

except this -

atleast animals,birds and plants love me

in retrospect , people also love me , yet it just so weird to be around people , don't really understand what to do about this :?

sometimes while meeting people it feels like dying , the slow and painful way

 

[Operculum]

Jamie, I really understand what you mean with the women thing. Luckily I have a girlfriend who is foreign and thinks my social awkwardness is the American norm or just cute. (Nexians, i tell ya, get a foreign chick, they think anything you say is original and funny)

Anyway, my social awkwardness makes it INCREDIBLE difficult to interact, especially with women. I don't know why, but when an attractive woman talks to me, my social awkwardness goes up 1000x. Its so painful! I have blown more chances at getting laid from my extreme social awkwardness than I can remember....countless times!

But now I have a GF its no problem. Nerdy hot socially awkward chicks are the best!

 

[endlessness]

Personally I don't find social skills is something I lose with time.

I have always been quite a loner. I'd always just play by myself and not care much if there were others or not. That being said, I've also learned throughout the years to connect to people, beyond the differences. I find it much easier now to relate to people, make friends, etc. I think traveling has helped me see that we are all the same in spite of some differences. And stepping out of my own ego for a while, I realize that I also have my own characteristics and flaws, why should I have a problem with others when they have their own issues too? As long as they arent directly harming me or others near me, I find all these differences fascinating and a source of knowledge.

So with social relations, I think one can go a long way with just a bit of good sense, ' feeling' people, and self-observing: Am I talking too much? If so, maybe I should listen some more. Am I just listening and not talking at all? Well thats good sometimes, but maybe one can also make occasional comments and participate. What are the dynamics occuring in the conversation beyond the subject itself, and how to turn it into a positive constructive tone?

Sometimes it's hard for me to understand how awkward some people can be when interacting with others. You know, people who keep interrupting others, talking on top, just waiting for their moment to talk instead of actually listening etc. Or those that just drag conversations into weird places, or those weirdly staring at others from the corner mumbling or whatever.. A minimum of self observation should help prevent that from happening or reducing it at least.

Lastly, I think its very important to question with who we are interacting. Sure it's good to be able to interact with the general population, normal people, but that doesnt mean one should strike and mantain conversations with anyone at all times. Sometimes it may be that it isnt you who are awkward, but the situation itself. So by all means choose your setting, but also don't form an impenetrable wall around your comfort zone because going beyond it is a great opportunity to learn.

 

[ManicMongrel]

I wouldn't say social skills is something that dwindle like inactive muscles, I like to see it more as our brain having more in common with radio communication. If you haven't been a lot around people for a while, then your brain needs some time to adjust the frequency, to adjust your social tuner onto the frequency where you can hear other people properly and and they can understand you. The problem is though that each social circle has slightly different frequency so you have to adjust most of the preset channels, for work, gym, pub, neighborhood etc.

 

[anrchy]

Personally I don't find social skills is something I lose with time.

I have always been quite a loner. I'd always just play by myself and not care much if there were others or not. That being said, I've also learned throughout the years to connect to people, beyond the differences. I find it much easier now to relate to people, make friends, etc. I think traveling has helped me see that we are all the same in spite of some differences. And stepping out of my own ego for a while, I realize that I also have my own characteristics and flaws, why should I have a problem with others when they have their own issues too? As long as they arent directly harming me or others near me, I find all these differences fascinating and a source of knowledge.

So with social relations, I think one can go a long way with just a bit of good sense, ' feeling' people, and self-observing: Am I talking too much? If so, maybe I should listen some more. Am I just listening and not talking at all? Well thats good sometimes, but maybe one can also make occasional comments and participate. What are the dynamics occuring in the conversation beyond the subject itself, and how to turn it into a positive constructive tone?

Sometimes it's hard for me to understand how awkward some people can be when interacting with others. You know, people who keep interrupting others, talking on top, just waiting for their moment to talk instead of actually listening etc. Or those that just drag conversations into weird places, or those weirdly staring at others from the corner mumbling or whatever.. A minimum of self observation should help prevent that from happening or reducing it at least.

Lastly, I think its very important to question with who we are interacting. Sure it's good to be able to interact with the general population, normal people, but that doesnt mean one should strike and mantain conversations with anyone at all times. Sometimes it may be that it isnt you who are awkward, but the situation itself. So by all means choose your setting, but also don't form an impenetrable wall around your comfort zone because going beyond it is a great opportunity to learn.

We are one in the same and i relate to your post strongly.

I think some people lack some of these abilities and find themselves needing to exercise their social muscles in order to keep them fit. I have seen many people that become awkward when they have been alone too long.

I myself go back and forth as i feel the need. Sometimes i just need to be by myself. Other times i feel that i need to have more social interaction.

It is very important, like endlessness said, to not put too much weight on requiring too many likenesses in order to relate to others.