Temperance: A Likely Hiatus

[Voidmatrix]

Well... I may be taking an interactive break from the forum and chat (I'll still moderate and be a creeper though as this is a safe and therapeutic place for me.

Lately, I've been experiencing a resting state of anger and frustration. Just too much going on and too much I feel I need to deal with, much of which isn't focused on things I'd like to focus on, so as such am feeling a bit unfulfilled.

I don't feel I have been very productive in my interactions here as of late (which is fueled a bit by a close friend calling me out on how I may make people feel as a result of my critical thought, specificity, and focus on detail and accuracy: "so because I make people think more than they normally would? Sorry, not sorry" ). I already have a fair amount of social anxiety.

I also feel taken for granted and taken advantage of in some ways (not here however), and need to figure out how to navigate that.

And while lonely and isolated in some ways, I also just want to be left alone...

Feeling uncharacteristically unapologetic, which is something I feel I need to be careful with.

I'm sharing this because I'm closer with many of you than people in my immediate vicinity. I care about you, you care about me, it's reciprocal, so this is the lease I can do is share this out of consideration.

I'll be fine at some point.

I love you all

One love

 

[dragonrider]

Well... I may be taking an interactive break from the forum and chat (I'll still moderate and be a creeper though as this is a safe and therapeutic place for me.

Lately, I've been experiencing a resting state of anger and frustration. Just too much going on and too much I feel I need to deal with, much of which isn't focused on things I'd like to focus on, so as such am feeling a bit unfulfilled.

I don't feel I have been very productive in my interactions here as of late (which is fueled a bit by a close friend calling me out on how I may make people feel as a result of my critical thought, specificity, and focus on detail and accuracy: "so because I make people think more than they normally would? Sorry, not sorry" ). I already have a fair amount of social anxiety.

I also feel taken for granted and taken advantage of in some ways (not here however), and need to figure out how to navigate that.

And while lonely and isolated in some ways, I also just want to be left alone...

Feeling uncharacteristically unapologetic, which is something I feel I need to be careful with.

I'm sharing this because I'm closer with many of you than people in my immediate vicinity. I care about you, you care about me, it's reciprocal, so this is the lease I can do is share this out of consideration.

I'll be fine at some point.

I love you all

One love

Love you too void.

I know that feeling of wanting to be left alone. Sometimes i just want to enjoy the silence, without any chatter going on. It's not that i don't like the company of other people, but sometimes i just feel i need a little break from it all.

People don't always understand that, but well, everybody is different and that's just the way it is.

Be well.

 

[downwardsfromzero]

Fully understanding your feelings here too, friend. This kind of downtime can really help - but feel free to drop me a line if you're feeling too lost at any point.

Here's to you finding the other side of all this in good time!

 

[Bill Cipher]

Breaks are necessary and therapeutic. No need to explain. Take time to recoup and recharge, and then come back fresh and invigorated!

 

[Nydex]

Sending you lots of love, brother. While I'm sure your absence herefrom will be felt, I'm also sure you need to step back a bit and have some healthy downtime. Reach out to me whenever if you feel the need.

Take care

 

[artificer]

Just wanted to echo the good frequencies already here - navigate as you see fit for now and know we're looking forward to when you get back bud

 

[Voidmatrix]

Thank you all for your kind words and sentiments of support and understanding. They mean more than you know.


One love

 

[Toshido]

Sometimes being selfless for extended periods of time can lead to anger and frustration. And the loneliness that comes with that is something that you get used to in a bad way. It's OK to be selfless, in fact it's encouraged, especially if it's for your own mental health, which should come before anyone else's.

We'll be here when you're ready to return, in the mean time, take care of that wonderful brain of yours and experiment with ways to recharge your batteries. For me, it's camping, or turning off the internet and immersing myself in a single player campaign video game lol.

One love.

 

[potnoble]

Hi Mr. Void

I have been experiencing the same thing last year.
Proper rest, physical activity and lots of love from my wife put me on the right track again.

Hope you find the strength to chip away at the bs.
When anger is invading your resting state be extra careful. I have some experience with
mental disorders and this is never a good sign.

Relax!!! Whatever that means for you.

All the love and keep your head up. :thumb_up: :thumb_up: :thumb_up:

 

[Voidmatrix]

Thank you both very much. I have some definite changes to make. And need to care less how they may make others feel. Fortunately/unfortunately, this feeling of "losing my mind" isn't new territory for me...



One love

 

[Koduckushi]

I wish you well on your quest for a new equilibrium.

For what it's worth, I think you're over thinking it sometimes. I'm thankful for the insights you've shared with me specifically. I'm sure many others share the same feeling.

Take care of yourself Void.

 

[downwardsfromzero]

Fortunately/unfortunately, this feeling of "losing my mind" isn't new territory for me...

Maybe it just needs to be let out for a little walk. It should come back - unless you're unlucky enough to be called Pizpot Gargravarr. Although, come to think of it, in that case it was the other way around.

 

[Voidmatrix]

While I'm still in a bit of a mood (more so than usual that is), I'm doing a bit better and would like to check in.

For what it's worth, I think you're over thinking it sometimes. I'm thankful for the insights you've shared with me specifically. I'm sure many others share the same feeling.

While I will probably never concede to overthinking, thinking too hard, or thinking too much, I will say that my thinking may not be directed in the most beneficial of ways, such as being overly considerate, and perhaps giving too much of a ****.

That said, I'm dropping the rock on worrying about my psychedelic use, and going for it at my leisure and behest. I'm also not caring about my own judgements of myself not going as far as I'd like. I'll get back to that point when I get back to that point. However, my increased frequency of use has only been beneficial and healing, and none of the things that I've worried about have come to fruition in any way. Part of this choice comes from my being "high functioning" with regard to my depression, and as such I tend to undermine its severity and in turn the level of my needs. I need more help than I think (and perhaps want to admit or am comfortable with). Enter psychedelics. I'm pretty mindful and should trust myself in this realm of things a great deal more. Work in progress.

I've also been going a little crazier with heavier weight at the gym which is one of the most cathartic activities for me. I go at 5am on the weekdays regularly now.

Otherwise, I'm trying to step it up in a lot of ways as well as really work on correcting repetitive intrusive thoughts that seem to be plaguing on a pretty regular basis. Especially with regard to pressures I inadvertently place on myself.

Also, trying to adopt some aspects of perspectives from others about me whose insights I find value in to see myself in better ways... a tough one.

As for cognitive issues, it's all depression related... what a surprise.

I still need more time with trees...

I had all of your kind thoughts and good vibes with me the whole time. Thank you.



One love

Edit: I forgot to mention, I've gotten a lot of understanding for myself by listening to audiobooks about some of my favorite philosophers... seems some things and aspects of experience come with the territory.

I highly recommend "'x philosopher' in 90 Minutes" by Paul Strathern. He has several that he's done on various philosophers.

 

[Toshido]

Edit: I forgot to mention, I've gotten a lot of understanding for myself by listening to audiobooks about some of my favorite philosophers... seems some things and aspects of experience come with the territory.

I highly recommend "'x philosopher' in 90 Minutes" by Paul Strathern. He has several that he's done on various philosophers.

This ^^^

Although I consider myself to be more of the leader type, I absolutely love drawing connections from other people's experiences. If you hang out with yourself for too long, you can get lost. Seems ironic, but we forget that we're a pack species and we need the experiences of others to shine a light on our own paths.

Lastly, seems like you're on the right path to keeping some balance in your world. A good sign is that you care to care for it. A lot of people don't.

And the gym at 5am? I long for such discipline. Good for you.

 

[Voidmatrix]

Edit: I forgot to mention, I've gotten a lot of understanding for myself by listening to audiobooks about some of my favorite philosophers... seems some things and aspects of experience come with the territory.

I highly recommend "'x philosopher' in 90 Minutes" by Paul Strathern. He has several that he's done on various philosophers.

This ^^^

Although I consider myself to be more of the leader type, I absolutely love drawing connections from other people's experiences. If you hang out with yourself for too long, you can get lost. Seems ironic, but we forget that we're a pack species and we need the experiences of others to shine a light on our own paths.

Lastly, seems like you're on the right path to keeping some balance in your world. A good sign is that you care to care for it. A lot of people don't.

And the gym at 5am? I long for such discipline. Good for you.

Thank you kindly. I'm trying... maybe too hard.

Being incisive and contratian by nature, I can be hard to understand (I suppose) and in turn have a hard time relating to others though they seem to relate to me (which I tend to feel bad about), so it's nice to have that "connection" of sorts.

I feel you on the leader aspect. It's an issue I deal with at my job. I don't want a managerial position, but they always need me to manage the team or back up other management. My introversion just wants to handle the cannabis and be left alone generally :lol:

And hitting the gym at 5am has become easy since it's seen as necessary :lol:

Thank you for the encouragement.

One love

 

[fink]

Feeling uncharacteristically unapologetic, which is something I feel I need to be careful with.

Hello Mr Void. Just briefly want to go back to this comment and highlight how important I believe it is to cut out the word sorry from our vocabulary.

Sorry sentiments in excess make a sorry person in the end. Others will treat you worse if you apologise too easily. The word itself is an admission of fault or guilt.

So much human interaction hangs in the balance of interpretation. It's rare that we can convey 100% of what we mean to say. Even more rare that another can understand 100% of how we mean something. Using the word sorry automatically triggers the listener into thinking we are wrong, guilty, at fault. It is odd because we so often over-apologise through a desire to take care of others yet the result is that we tread all over our self.


On top of that psychological pitfall, sorry has become an easy substitute for describing what we did wrong and acknowledging that to the person we affected. One word fixes any transgression?


As an experiment, you could ban yourself from using the word sorry for 30 days and see what changes. You can still say 'I stepped on your toe, I hope it did not hurt you, I will try to be more careful'. Just not the specific word 'sorry'. You may come to notice that the vast majority of cases where a 'sorry' would come out on autopilot it was completely unnecessary and only served to subconsciously make other people feel like you are at fault when you are not.



Well, this might be a little in depth and over zealous (exactly what you were distancing yourself from maybe) so feel free to ignore completely. I do genuinely believe that sorry is a word that is over used, ineffective and detrimental to the user.

This has been a long winded way of saying... yes!...I like unapologetic Void and wish him to continue to be unapologetic.

Lots of love to you as always

 

[Voidmatrix]

:lol:

Thank you for this. I tend to agree with you. What's funny, I tend to acknowledge what I felt I did wrong while also using the word "sorry." That's not to say that I don't still overdo it because I want to "good" to others, possibly because I don't think "well" of others, which isn't their fault, but I feel bad about how I think. Perhaps trying to be too "good" to others. It tends to drive me nuts when people just say sorry without really saying and understanding what they are saying sorry for.

My potentially overly apologetic nature is likely a byproduct of my upbringing and time with my father who had an implicit expectation for others to be sorry and at fault. It allowed him to feel righteous in his indignation and was a utility of power and control. I've been noticing a great many things I need to work on as a result of impacts from him.

But to say it again, you're right. I tend to sacrifice a great deal of myself for the feelings of others, people pleasing in a way I don't mean to (because at heart, I'm too much of a contrarian for that :twisted: ).

One love

 

[ShadedSelf]

To me it does feel like you have this thin layer of fake positivity surounding your personality, Ive seen way worse but its definately there, makes it interacting with you so easy right? but it does leave a small sense of inauthenticity.
No wonder people being fakely apologethic drives you nuts.

Why do you need to do good to others? What happens if you dont?

Also, I wonder, do you have this feeling that once you are done fixing youself you will be happy?

 

[Voidmatrix]

To me it does feel like you have this thin layer of fake positivity surounding your personality, Ive seen way worse but its definately there, makes it interacting with you so easy right? but it does leave a small sense of inauthenticity.
No wonder people being fakely apologethic drives you nuts.

Why do you need to do good to others? What happens if you dont?

Also, I wonder, do you have this feeling that once you are done fixing youself you will be happy?

You're not wrong. And while whatever positivity I may share is authentic, the degree may not be as high as it seems. And yes, it seems to often make things easier for them and in turn easier for me. Less work for my empathy to deal with.

It's more about being good which entails doing good. Seems the world goes around better when everyone tries to be good to one another. And dysfunction for the last one.

It's more about being less miserable through awareness, understanding, direction and acceptance.

One love

 

[ShadedSelf]

What are you trying to spare your empathy from by inflating that positivity?