The Control Freak/Seeking Advice

[TGO]

Hi guys,

So I don't really know where to post something like this but my girlfriend and I need some advice. Well, really it is for my girlfriend but it affects me too.

Okay...here we go. My girlfriend (I will refer to her as AM) once had a best friend (we will call her CM). CM got into an unhealthy relationship with a psychotic, abusive, over-bearing control freak (we will call him NH). Before I go into any detail about him it is important to know that CM and NH wound up pregnant. CM broke it off with NH before finding out she was pregnant. Against better judgment and us advising her not to, she (CM) got back together with this guy and married him for no other reason than for their child that was on the way.

AM and I used to both be friends with CM. However, NH is one of those people who leech off everything and everyone around them. Never had/has a job (never even tries/tried), is heavily into morphine, heroin, and every opiate based pill out there. Basically if a drug is within 5 miles of this dude, he is injecting it or plugging it.

After CM married NH, he suddenly decided that it was necessary for him to control every aspect of CM's life. This was nothing new in their relationship but it was greatly amplified after the marriage. He told CM that she could no longer hang out/see/talk to/communicate with my girlfriend or see/touch/breathe near their baby. He also told CM that certain members of CM's family would not be allowed to see the baby either. No one knows why.

Then we didn't hear from CM in nearly a year and during that time little baby Bella was born. It turns out, NH basically had her locked up in her own home, away from any human contact except for Baby Bella. I mean that quite literally, the only thing that was missing was the shackles and chains. My girlfriend was only recently able to talk to CM because they (CM and NH) are getting a divorce. Why the divorce? Well, NH did nothing for the baby. Didn't change diapers. Didn't clean up baby spit up. Talks to CM like she is a dog. Constantly calls her stupid to her face and has threatened to hurt her. CM says that he has not hit her but I don't believe it for a second. He screams at her telling her that she is a bad mother even though she is the only one caring for the baby. He constantly says that he can't believe he would be with someone so "retarded." But NH only cares about being high. (keep in mind, I am mostly paraphrasing what my girlfriend has told me but it is accurate)

And get this...you know those little baby syringes they make so that you can squirt medicine into the baby's mouth? Well, one day CM woke up in the middle of the night to find NH and a bunch of his druggy friends using the baby syringe to shoot morphine up their butts! :x What the hell is that all about?! CM is a twig sized female so there is nothing she can do to protect herself from this guy. This is just the tip of the iceberg, guys but I don't want to make a huge thread that comes across as whiny or like I am complaining just to complain...because that isn't what this is about.

So today, my girlfriend gets a call from CM and they talk for thirty minutes or so. My girlfriend gets off the phone in tears. Naturally, I ask what is wrong. She says that NH is freaking out because he found out that AM and CM have been talking again recently. He says that if it continues, he is going to report us to the police and say we have drugs in our place and blah blah blah going to come up to my girlfriend's work and harass her and try to get her into trouble...heresy, I know... Probable cause is also needed. I know these things but it is still very frustrating to have this dude constantly harassing my girlfriend and I.

I've told him straight up to leave us alone and he tried to fight me (he isn't a sane person by the way...reasoning with him is impossible). I am a lover, not a fighter so I walked away before any punches were thrown. Violence solves nothing.

Basically, I am fearful for the safety of my girlfriend, myself and especially CM and her baby. NH is unstable and volatile. I'm not worried about law enforcement showing up at my door (those were pointless "puff out your chest" type of threats) but this dude basically has a vendetta against us (me and my girlfriend). All because we want to keep a friendship alive...? and keep our friend safe? Do you see why this makes no sense?

What would you do in a situation like this? How can I get CM and AM to be friends again without NH reacting violently? Is it even worth it? As of now, AM and CM have agreed not to communicate until at least the divorce is final. I pray that CM gets full custody of their child...otherwise this guy will be ruining their life indefinitely...

Well, I am probably leaving something out but that is okay for now...

Anyway, sorry for the ramble and sorry if this seems insignificant but it feels nice to get these thoughts down in writing. You guys here at the Nexus always have great advice. I appreciate any and all of it.

Thank you

 

[Jin]

there seems to be three choices here

option a >> hide entheogens (in the garden or something ) , then report nh to the cops

or

option b >> wait till the divorce

or

option c >> if it comes to a self defense thing , resort to violence - use knives , hammer , baseball bat , or a firearm (do not ever hesitate)

its ok to kill to save ones family

edit ; it might also be useful to carry a cheap pointy pen or a hard sharpened pencil where knives or firearms can't be carried ..................Rock n Rolla

 

[TGO]

Thanks Jin. I don't want this to lead to violence but if that is the only way then so be it. I don't go looking for trouble nor do I start fights but NH is constantly being an arrogant prick (sorry that I don't have a better term for it) and is ruining lives (mainly CM and Baby Bella).

It is hard to see my girlfriend go through such anguish, you know? CM was my girlfriends very best friend for many years so she has been taking all of this pretty hard...

I think we will have to wait for the divorce to go through. Waiting is the worst part though. CM's brother-in-law is actually a law enforcement officer of some sort and has gone over there on multiple occasions and tried to set NH on a straight path. Needless to say, NH immediately reacted negatively to that. This divorce needs to push him out of our lives for good.

CM's whole family is fed up and so am I. I want the very best for my friends and family...it causes me to stress out knowing there is very little I can do without it resulting in some sort of violent altercation...

So I can only sit here and wait and hope everyone is safe...

 

[LSDvibes]

I wish you, your girlfriend and CM the best of luck with your situation. I hope the divorce helps with getting that guy out of your lives and that he may someday want to clean up his act and get the help he needs.

 

[Doc Buxin]

Wow Grateful, I am very sorry to hear about your situation...

I was in a similar situation about 15 years ago except that I was living with the couple (complete with the control freak guy)!

In the end the guy got very violent towards me (I am not a violent person at all; needless to say I've had the shit beat out of me a few times in my life) & I split with a tearful "fuck you" & "you will never see me again"!

Of course that meant leaving behind the woman, but she wasn't about to leave the violent control freak.

I hope, in your situation that your GF can end up keeping her best friend & that her best friend can end up getting away from this guy. Sometimes even divorces aren't enough to do that though!

Best of luck...I'll keep you & your GF in my prayers.

Peace.

 

[RAM]

Sorry to hear about this situation, Grateful One. You help a lot of people here and I hope we can help you back with some advice.

As much as we don't like them and criticize their methods, police and state authorities exist for a reason. I assume you live in a place like the US or Canada with a decent amount of police presence or else you would have dismissed them prior. Advising CM to get some tangible evidence of abuse then reporting it to the police/child services would probably be the best course of action. Having the evidence (such as from a hidden nanny camera or something of the sort) would give her a very good chance of gaining custody.

While I don't think we should condone or recommend violence against someone on an Internet forum (this is probably against the rules here anyway), self-defense is not against the law and you are probably (depending on the country/state) within the confines of the law if you respond with violence to protect yourself or another from violence. It can be tough and I hope it doesn't come to that, but you may have to eventually make a choice between your/AM's well-being or his. Miscommunication occurs from interacting on different psychological circuits. You are trying to be rational whereas the guy is territorial/emotional. If you don't want to have to exert your territory, it's better to have the state do it.

In a lot of domestic abuse cases one of the partners becomes dependent upon the other. This does not seem to be the case here which is a good thing. She seems to be actively trying to distance herself from this guy. Tell AM and CM to be a little more discreet about their communications. It shouldn't be that hard to get a couple minutes alone on Facebook to message or something. And the messages might be admissible as further evidence in a courtroom later.

Regarding drugs and stuff, it is best to clean house if you plan on initiating contact with the authorities in any capacity. If not you should be fine. Even if they subpoena you or come to your house to ask you questions, there is little to no possibility they'll have a warrant to search your home all of the sudden. Even if it's exclusionary, it's probably best not to leave bongs and extraction tools out either.

I wish you the best with your situation and hope it is resolved with kindness.

 

[TGO]

Thank you for the kind words and support everybody! I really do appreciate it.

In the end the guy got very violent towards me (I am not a violent person at all; needless to say I've had the shit beat out of me a few times in my life) & I split with a tearful "fuck you" & "you will never see me again"!

Violence is truly the last thing I would want to happen but rational conversations flew out the window about a year ago when all of this started to happen. So now I have to help from a distance because I know that NH will likely attack me upon seeing me... and I have never even done anything to him personally. These situations are so unnecessary and bothersome. Thank you for your well wishes Doc!

As much as we don't like them and criticize their methods, police and state authorities exist for a reason. I assume you live in a place like the US or Canada with a decent amount of police presence or else you would have dismissed them prior. Advising CM to get some tangible evidence of abuse then reporting it to the police/child services would probably be the best course of action. Having the evidence (such as from a hidden nanny camera or something of the sort) would give her a very good chance of gaining custody.

I am in the US and my girlfriend and I had already advised CM to try and do this. As mentioned earlier, one of her family members is a law enforcement officer of some kind. He has been over there on more than one occasion to stop altercations and has tried to talk some sense into NH without having to take extreme measures. So there is that I guess... It may be better to get someone on the case (not that there is a "case" yet...I don't think any formal paperwork was filled out during those visits) who isn't family.

While I don't think we should condone or recommend violence against someone on an Internet forum (this is probably against the rules here anyway), self-defense is not against the law and you are probably (depending on the country/state) within the confines of the law if you respond with violence to protect yourself or another from violence. It can be tough and I hope it doesn't come to that, but you may have to eventually make a choice between your/AM's well-being or his.

I absolutely agree! I do not like violence at all and apologize if it sounded like I was going to do something violent as a solution. I will only use violence if it comes down to self defense or protecting my girlfriend or CM.

In a lot of domestic abuse cases one of the partners becomes dependent upon the other. This does not seem to be the case here which is a good thing. She seems to be actively trying to distance herself from this guy. Tell AM and CM to be a little more discreet about their communications. It shouldn't be that hard to get a couple minutes alone on Facebook to message or something. And the messages might be admissible as further evidence in a courtroom later.

Here is where it gets a bit tricky. She is trying to pull herself away from him but he is a crafty leech. He may be the world's biggest jerk but unfortunately he is not stupid. He controls all their devices. Only he can log onto the computer and he babysits her while she is online. He has all their cell phones on him at all times. CM somehow managed to purchase a tracphone and has been able to keep NH from finding out as far as I know. But it is only a matter of time before he finds it too, I'm sure. He reads all their messages whether it is addressed to him or not and pretends to be her in the responses. One time he even got CM's mom's phone and pretended to be CM's mom while messaging my girlfriend saying horrible things. My girlfriend thought that CM and her whole family hated her because of these messages that NH sent. That was back at the beginning of this mess.

Regarding drugs and stuff, it is best to clean house if you plan on initiating contact with the authorities in any capacity. If not you should be fine. Even if they subpoena you or come to your house to ask you questions, there is little to no possibility they'll have a warrant to search your home all of the sudden. Even if it's exclusionary, it's probably best not to leave bongs and extraction tools out either.

I wish you the best with your situation and hope it is resolved with kindness.

I really hope it doesn't come to that. But if more law enforcement (besides CM's family member) get involved I will definitely take the proper steps as to not incriminate myself. Thanks again for the support and advice.

 

[cruetmixer]

You can make an anonymous call, you don't have to give your name.

If that doesn't work for you give me the information and I will make the call. You can't get anymore anonymous than that...

 

[TGO]

Thanks cruetmixer, that is a very generous offer. For now, I am playing the waiting game. CM is supposed to contact my girlfriend with an update on how everything is going in the near future. If things get dicey, I may take you up on your offer.

Seriously cruetmixer, thank you.

 

[TGO]

Update:

My lady just told me that apparently CM and NH have separated and are attending marriage counselling...

:?:

While that may be good and great in theory, I fear it is another manipulation act by NH. He apparently apologized to CM's family for his outrageous behavior while living in their home and has "begged for forgiveness" ... Now, maybe he really is turning over a new leaf but I just find it hard to believe that some abusive junkie loser suddenly changed his ways, 360 degrees, in only a month...

I really and truly hope that I am wrong for the sake of CM and her baby. My lady is still "forbidden" to see CM for some reason which makes little sense. If he was really turning a new leaf then you would think he wouldn't have a problem with CM seeing and hearing from her best friend. So essentially we have gotten nowhere.

Anyway, if CM wants to be with NH and try to salvage one of the worst relationships I've ever encountered, so be it. It is her life and she should live it how she wants to.

 

[Tryptallmine]

Yeh wow. I feel like I just re-read a situation my partner and I were in a few years back with a siblings partner. Word for word.

We got cut off for the better part of 18 months, couldn't see the kids or the sibling. The significant other was a massive drug user, siphoning money out of their joint account, controlling every aspect of their lives despite never having had a job. This person was always intimidating and making people fearful..a truly narcissistic person.

They are extremely good at manipulation. They become conditioned to that way from poor childhood experiences - abandonment etc. It becomes a defense mechanism and a way of life and a full time job.

The only way our story ended was they separated, we had to file for restraining orders etc due to threats made and retracted as quick as you could blink - you never knew what was going to happen. After 24 months they finally managed to get divorced and the court ordered the partner to leave the house as that person refused to leave the free ride they were getting.

It's a rough situation but the best outcome was that the partner got dealt a court order to leave. Doesn't bother with the kids except for the odd phone call on their birthdays.

I'm a believer in rehabilitation but people like that do not change.....ever.

 

[TGO]

They are extremely good at manipulation. They become conditioned to that way from poor childhood experiences - abandonment etc. It becomes a defense mechanism and a way of life and a full time job.

Exactly. My girlfriend told me he had a ridiculous childhood...bouncing around from foster home to foster home, always getting into drugs and therefore trouble. Also, one foster family (the one he is still apart of today, technically) sexually abused him and did weird things like locking him up in those dog cages built for travelling. That is what I've been told. I did not know NH as a kid so take it with a grain of salt.

But yeah, I get that his childhood was terrible but I would hope that that would inspire someone (NH) to not want to inflict such pain on others. But that is wishful thinking on my part.

Thank you for your input and your kind, thoughtful words!

 

[null24]

Man, I'm sorry you're going through this crap, you've sent me a ton of love and I'm sending you some now...

Got it? Good. Junkies suck, and there's only one way to deal with the damage they cause if it's affecting you- get away from them. If this jerk is anything like most that I've known ( and the strung out me), all threats are baseless and cowardly attempts to keep up whatever machinations are in place to continue using

The woman needs to leave. It's not your responsibility to help her as far as shelter etc, but it's up to you if you want give her a guiding hand, researching social services and getting her to appointments. People in crisis function poorly and sometimes simple paperwork can be challenging enough to make one just leave. There's stuff you can do, IF you decide it's your life place to do it.

I'm not trying to sound like a jerk or advocating tough love or some bs, but these people- her husband- operate in ways you and i don't understand. And there no need to, you just need to know them, their behavior and expect them to do what they do, not to change. If the dude is left alone, kid gone, wife gone maybe, just maybe, he'll get help. Or not, and then he's got a 75% chance of dying from his addiction. Really.

And the kid. The chain should be cut, imo, this stuff just goes on and on and on until everyone but the one causing the pain has collapsed, and then the junky will go thru their pockets.

I'd like to be all rosy and tell you something better, sometimes nothing is funny and everything is real. It's really up to her, and be careful saving people, it can be a good way to walk into some dark places. Peace to you man

 

[TGO]

Man, I'm sorry you're going through this crap, you've sent me a ton of love and I'm sending you some now...

Got it? Good. Junkies suck, and there's only one way to deal with the damage they cause if it's affecting you- get away from them. If this jerk is anything like most that I've known ( and the strung out me), all threats are baseless and cowardly attempts to keep up whatever machinations are in place to continue using

The woman needs to leave. It's not your responsibility to help her as far as shelter etc, but it's up to you if you want give her a guiding hand, researching social services and getting her to appointments. People in crisis function poorly and sometimes simple paperwork can be challenging enough to make one just leave. There's stuff you can do, IF you decide it's your life place to do it.

I'm not trying to sound like a jerk or advocating tough love or some bs, but these people- her husband- operate in ways you and i don't understand. And there no need to, you just need to know them, their behavior and expect them to do what they do, not to change. If the dude is left alone, kid gone, wife gone maybe, just maybe, he'll get help. Or not, and then he's got a 75% chance of dying from his addiction. Really.

And the kid. The chain should be cut, imo, this stuff just goes on and on and on until everyone but the one causing the pain has collapsed, and then the junky will go thru their pockets.

I'd like to be all rosy and tell you something better, sometimes nothing is funny and everything is real. It's really up to her, and be careful saving people, it can be a good way to walk into some dark places. Peace to you man

Thanks Null, I appreciate the support!

Junkies do suck...that being said, I also used to be one (approaching 3 years clean now!). I've distanced myself from him physically and communication of any sort is little to none anymore (Between my lady and CM).

I feel we (my girlfriend and I) have given CM all the tools and resources necessary to leave. It is all in her hands now. Well, it always was...she tends to make poor decisions...poor girl...
So now they are in marriage counseling and her family claims that he is starting to treat her better. But it is only a matter of time. He is a snake and A devious one at that.

I don't know why CM's family seems to forget that all of this basically happened already... He got together with CM. Treated her poorly. Gained the family's trust. Caused a bunch of grief and CM and him broke up. The only reason CM went back to him was because of the baby. Everyone told her not to do it and that she could easily find a better man who would love and care for her and her child. But it fell on deaf ears, obviously.

I hope that in time, she will realize what she is doing and leave him behind. He is bad news and always will be. You are right, they do not tend to change especially in the space of only one month. Now we wait and see what pans out...

Thank you for your thoughts and support!

 

[null24]

Man, i mean what i say that junkies suck, they do and so did i. I can empathize with you a little bit, in that a huge chunk of my life was eaten up by this stuff. I have a little over three years myself free of shooting heroin.

I keep alot of those people close to me too, and while my relationships with them are part of my sickness ( not talking about addiction, i don't buy the disease theory), in that they are both easy transactional relationships, I'm familiar with them, and i always have a connect if i need one. That's one of my recent personal revelations, i have no clue if that relates to you, but that's where my harshness comes from.

As far as the fams buying into the dudes lies, they don't want to believe other. It hurts them I'm sure what he does to their daughter. They want to believe it's better.

I wish you peace, man. Really really do.

 

[Pixar]

I'm the last to advocate for violence, but violence I never completely useless : sometimes you might have to resort to it. IMO this is one the those cases where you might have to. When you think about it the "police" is a form of violence.

Still, following Jim's option a or b first is much wiser.

Good luck :/

 

[TGO]

Man, i mean what i say that junkies suck, they do and so did i. I can empathize with you a little bit, in that a huge chunk of my life was eaten up by this stuff. I have a little over three years myself free of shooting heroin.

I keep alot of those people close to me too, and while my relationships with them are part of my sickness ( not talking about addiction, i don't buy the disease theory), in that they are both easy transactional relationships, I'm familiar with them, and i always have a connect if i need one. That's one of my recent personal revelations, i have no clue if that relates to you, but that's where my harshness comes from.

As far as the fams buying into the dudes lies, they don't want to believe other. It hurts them I'm sure what he does to their daughter. They want to believe it's better.

I wish you peace, man. Really really do.

I'm totally with you on the junkie situation. I reread my last post and realized I came off a bit defensive, which was not my intention at all. I hated myself every time I used. More and more each time...it got to the point where after losing my job and running out of ways to pay for it, I had a complete mental meltdown. I won't go into great detail (I could fill another whole thread with that story, :shock: :d ) but I ended up going home to be with my family who supported me on my road to recovery and eventually released me back into the wild to try again... :lol:

I can definitely relate to "transactional relationships" ... that is as deep as it ever went for me with those people. The only difference is I severed all those ties after my meltdown though and haven't seen any of them since. I guess I should mention that my DOC was the opposite spectrum of opiates...meth...:thumb_dow Nonetheless still an addiction...

But anywho...I hate to see CM and her family being sucked into another one of his delusions he so skillfully sets up for them to believe. He is the worst but he is also smart. Not paying him a compliment, it is just fact. And in comparison to CM's intelligence, it is easy to see how simple it is for him to manipulate her.

@Pixar

Thank you for your thoughts and support! I truly appreciate it! You all have no idea how much it means to me...

 

[TGO]

Alright so just a small and slightly annoying update on this situation:

So for the first time in months, my GF heard from CM. As predicted, NH was acting like a complete fool and mistreating CM and the baby again. Keep in mind that CM and NH live at CM's parents house. Well, CM's parents got completely fed up with the way he was acting and physically kicked him out of the house. One way or another the police got involved and somehow determined that since he (NH) had been staying there for a while and had nowhere else to go, that he would be allowed to re-enter the home and stay there...

Somehow I feel like this can't be the whole story, but that was all my GF had to say about it. The parents own the house and NH is only related by marriage so I thought if you wanted someone off of your property, and the law is involved, then they would need to remove the trouble making "trespasser." Even if only temporarily. He doesn't own any part of the house so I don't understand how the police would be on his side vs the actual owners...something doesn't add up and it is making me sick just thinking about it all...

Sorry for the little rant but it is nice to get it down in writing...ugh.

 

[KillaNoodles]

You can make an anonymous call, you don't have to give your name.

If that doesn't work for you give me the information and I will make the call. You can't get anymore anonymous than that...

 

[null24]

GO, I know that in the state in which I live, if one has been living on the premises for a certain period of time; and I don't have the statute in front of me and for some reason in my mind I want to say it's either 30 days or six months, then yes, unfortunately they can finagle their way into remaining on the premises. Property owners or the wishes of other tenants be damned, I think the threat of violence would obviously be the only way to preclude that. This of course has nothing to do with rent disagreements, at least in the city in which I live if the landlord wants a person out they can serve them with no cause eviction and that person has to be out in 30 days.

Man I'm sorry you're still dealing with this. But at least it sounds like it's a little more distant now. Are there still lots of drugs involved or is anybody taking a spin dry?