The dimming of the light, and my quest to brighten it

[ShamanisticVibes]

As a teenager, at the ripe age of 15, I was introduced to Cannabis for the first time, and it opened my mind to the idea that there were mind altering compounds in the world. The years leading up to my 18th birthday, I tried everything from Psilocybes, LSD, Calea (dream herb), as well as a few other things as well. I read a lot about DMT and shamanism back then, but my age, and living with my parents were a pretty large barrier. Shortly thereafter, I bought a vehicle to travel in, and went on experiencing my youth as I had hoped I would. Any semblance of social anxiety (which I had once had a large degree of) was gone. I had been cured. I continued to use mind expanding substances, and even got fairly comfortable in high dosage states. I felt so free. Free enough to FEEL as if I were invincible. With that in mind, I made some bad choices, found myself years down the road, my best friend no longer with us, and my mind dwindling. The farther I traveled into the world of narcotics, the less capable I was in a psychedelic state. Until about 3 years ago, I had a breakdown. Full ego death (not the fun or enlightening kind), I relieved myself of my clothes, and went on a 8 hour tirade. This was not my first bad experience, but it was the worst, and the 4th bad experience in as many times dosing. As these experiences stacked up, I noticed I lost my confidence (something of which I almost had in such surplus it were a fault). I felt that I was an imposter; that I was a fake, and that my friends all knew it, and despised me for it. I spent quite some time sulking in this before I realized....the problem was in ME! NOT the medicines. So, my period of abstinence began. I have since been working on myself, my faults, and my strengths. I have come to a point now, to where I know that I am living the life that I should be. I have made the decision that I will no longer be the taker, but the giver. I will not alter my conciousness unless it is from a plant that I have grown, or similar situation. Last week, I tried 5-meo DMT for the first time... I never felt so much love in all of my life. It was only a small dose, so I did not break through, but I think that the point of the matter was to test myself to see if I was welcome back. Has anyone else experienced anything similar? I have recently ordered seeds for many of the most interesting (to me) shamanic plants legally available. My hope is that putting the effort into the growth will help me acheive a state where, mentally, I do not feel as if I am mooching anything; as has become a bit of a paranoia in my mind. I was a taker for a long time, and it does not feel good when you finally see youjrself for what you were. Thanks again.

 

[ShamanisticVibes]

I guess I forgot to mention this, but OCT 31st will be 2 years free of narcotics, which is also a big factor in my decision to get back into shamanism and shamanistic compounds

 

[Poemander]

Congratulations on the sobriety and respect!

I like your path! Keep on keepin on!

 

[gnuisance]

Hey. Thanks for posting and I respect your journey. I too quit drinking and taking all drugs of abuse about 11 years ago. I have recently started experimenting with psychedelics again as a way to improve my spiritual life and also combat depression.

I must admit though, I sometimes feel guilt. I was involved in AA for a bit and there are some people there who would consider me not sober for using psychedelics. Separating myself completely from these voices is sometimes a challenge. Even Bill Wilson the founder of AA experimented with psychedelics during his sobriety but it still messes with me sometimes. Have you experienced anything like this? Just curious.

Anyway, thanks for sharing your insight and good luck!

 

[ms_manic_minxx]

I think that judgment comes from this side, not the other side - it's all love over there.

One bit of advice that has sat well with me recently is the concept of renewal - ask the medicine to make you new, even more than asking for healing. Our old selves crumble away, and there's no sense in trying to reassemble something that fell apart because it didn't work. We are like snakes shedding skin.

 

[skoobysnax]

I think that judgment comes from this side, not the other side - it's all love over there.

One bit of advice that has sat well with me recently is the concept of renewal - ask the medicine to make you new, even more than asking for healing. Our old selves crumble away, and there's no sense in trying to reassemble something that fell apart because it didn't work. We are like snakes shedding skin.

Love this^^
Click the "Why am I Here" in the signature. You will see you are in good company. 12 yrs off hard drugs and alcohol closing in on 13. I definitely recommend adjunct work with groups or a good therapist that does experiential work like EMDR and who also avoids meds as a solution. I was a low bottom junky for a while. I lost everything several times over. Really it came down to how i operate in relationships amd my inability to handle their gravity. DMT really opened up parts of myself locked behind ego and put me in my place. Holding space for ourselves we learn to hold it for others. I also recommend finding a great Yoga and meditation teacher. The knowlege i have gained in the practices has taken my entheogenic work to levels i consider unattainable without it. Beware Guru worship and know you have everything you need if you are willing. Hugs.

 

[Th3_tRuTh]

I just want to say bravo to you for taking ownership and action. That is the hardest part for a lot of us. I am 5 years sober as 11/23/2020, dedicated the first three years of my sobriety to AA and being of service. 2 years ago I started going to therapy and P3, and a year ago started using entheogens again with the intention of inner growth and healing. I love your story. It's stories like these that reaffirm my belief and trust in these medicines. Thank you for sharing!

 

[ShamanisticVibes]

I think that judgment comes from this side, not the other side - it's all love over there.

One bit of advice that has sat well with me recently is the concept of renewal - ask the medicine to make you new, even more than asking for healing. Our old selves crumble away, and there's no sense in trying to reassemble something that fell apart because it didn't work. We are like snakes shedding skin.

This is where I am in my mind. I need this renewal. To be a newborn, if you will. I am very aware that most of my judgement comes directly from me. I am my own worst enemy both internally and externally. I hold myself to a very high standard, and for quite some time, I did not keep up with this practice. So what I was left with was a sub-par self image. The image of a man who would do anything to anyone to further his own existence. A selfish man. A conniving man. A bad man. What worries me, is the possibility of me not being able to shake this bad personal image I have cultivated over the years. The anxiety I have about the things I have done is like a wall that stands in my way everywhere I go. So I work on myself regularly in order to make sure that I do not revert back into that man that I hated so much. We are all a work in progress, and always will be. I am not bothered by that. I guess what I am saying is that I just have a hard time feeling like I belong, because the things I have done, and the things I have seen just do not seem to fit the profile of a good man, and I feel like that no matter what, I am always the worst person in the room. Pairing personal and spiritual growth are the ways in which I feel I may be able to overcome these issues. But the terrifying unknown is an incredibly powerful force that tries to talk me into giving up.... I just need to stay the course and continue working.

 

[ShamanisticVibes]

Hey. Thanks for posting and I respect your journey. I too quit drinking and taking all drugs of abuse about 11 years ago. I have recently started experimenting with psychedelics again as a way to improve my spiritual life and also combat depression.

I must admit though, I sometimes feel guilt. I was involved in AA for a bit and there are some people there who would consider me not sober for using psychedelics. Separating myself completely from these voices is sometimes a challenge. Even Bill Wilson the founder of AA experimented with psychedelics during his sobriety but it still messes with me sometimes. Have you experienced anything like this? Just curious.

Anyway, thanks for sharing your insight and good luck!

This is why I have not joined an NA group. Although I do weekly outpatient groups for 2 hours every Monday (but yesterday was my last day! I graduated!) I have been in that group for a little over 15 months. It feels good. But yes, NA is what I come to understand as a "total abstinence" group, and I feel like I am being dishonest if I am taking these medicines and going to NA meetings. I already have enough issues with feeling like a fraud in my own skin, so I decided that a more internal approach may be necessary. Internal does not always work for everyone, but I feel that for me personally, I have an easier time this way. I do not need to lean on anyone for support. I consolidate everything that I need to work through all week and bring it up at my groups. I hold myself accountable and I put in the work, and it seems to work out for me. Also, not in any way bashing or downplaying the effectiveness that NA may have, it just did not fit in with my personal journey. Thanks for your insight!

 

[ShamanisticVibes]

I just want to say bravo to you for taking ownership and action. That is the hardest part for a lot of us. I am 5 years sober as 11/23/2020, dedicated the first three years of my sobriety to AA and being of service. 2 years ago I started going to therapy and P3, and a year ago started using entheogens again with the intention of inner growth and healing. I love your story. It's stories like these that reaffirm my belief and trust in these medicines. Thank you for sharing!

Thank you for the kind words. The hardest part was taking that ownership and action. It is a struggle on the regular to keep myself focused, but I have built a life that I would not give up for anything. I have my entheogen garden, a full flock of chickens, and I now breed rabbits as well. I grow my own medicine, and have become the master of my own destiny. I am far from complete. And I do not think I ever will be. It is nice to know I am not alone here. There was a bit of hesitation for me in posting this due to my fears of being judged. I know, that, as Hamilton Morris so elegantly put it on the most recent episode of the JRE featuring himself; "The Psychonauts do NOT like the Opiophiles". So I as afraid that I may receive judgement, whether outwardly, or just from behind screen. I am not proud of the things I have done, but I am proud that I went all of the way to the edge of hell, and did not let it beat me. I scratched and clawed my way out of that pit. So in the end, I decided to post. If anything at all maybe someone relates.

 

[ShamanisticVibes]

Congratulations on the sobriety and respect!

I like your path! Keep on keepin on!

Thanks man. Also, I did get your message, but cannot reply. I have always been a fan of J.Carey. And ironically, when he was going through his identity issues, so was I. I was playing a character every day of my life, and one day I realized that I had been talking in a fake accent for almost 2 months, and I could not remember the last time I heard my own voice. I think that the being "cured' of my anxieties was not being "cured" at all. But a mask that I put on, a character that I played. The guy who would do or say anything for a laugh. They guy who could out party everyone. The whole DGAF loud and confident (over-). That day I realized that I did not know who I was. That I myself, had a character, but no character. Right about that time is when Jim was in the headlines a lot talking about how we are not really here, and the dangers of falling into characters. Interesting that you brought that up.

 

[Poemander]

Wonderful and beautiful to share what you have!

Sometimes we have to be something we are not enable to discover what we are. The darkness points us towards a light. Whenever we find the light, we find the darkness is already there, just outside the light, waiting for the light to go out. Sounds ominous I know, but that is not my intention, to be ominous. I am a realist and I see that that darkness is waiting for the light to go out. Many times in my life the light went out and the darkness was waiting, I always feared that. I am learning that it is ok for the light to go out, I am not scared of the dark anymore. I made friends with it in many ways. It's ok to be in the dark sometimes, it's ok to be in the light. Both are of a temporary in nature, and both will pass. If you stay in the dark, your sight will atrophy and slowly fall away until you cannot see light anymore. If you stay in the light to long, you will risk being naïve and lose sight of the darkness in the world. Intelligence and compassion are needed to accept all in the world without be drawn into either realm for too long. Both light and darkness have power and are within us all. Accept them both. They are both teachers, they both have lessons that are available.

What comes up will come down. What goes down will come back up. Two sides of the same coin. Balance.

Thank you for sharing your story!

 

[Th3_tRuTh]

Thank you for the kind words. The hardest part was taking that ownership and action. It is a struggle on the regular to keep myself focused, but I have built a life that I would not give up for anything. I have my entheogen garden, a full flock of chickens, and I now breed rabbits as well. I grow my own medicine, and have become the master of my own destiny. I am far from complete. And I do not think I ever will be. It is nice to know I am not alone here. There was a bit of hesitation for me in posting this due to my fears of being judged. I know, that, as Hamilton Morris so elegantly put it on the most recent episode of the JRE featuring himself; "The Psychonauts do NOT like the Opiophiles". So I as afraid that I may receive judgement, whether outwardly, or just from behind screen. I am not proud of the things I have done, but I am proud that I went all of the way to the edge of hell, and did not let it beat me. I scratched and clawed my way out of that pit. So in the end, I decided to post. If anything at all maybe someone relates.

100%! I get that. I can relate to the apprehension for sure. I can't speak for the community, but I can speak for myself and it looks like a few others from what I am reading in the comments; You're in good company. I wish that could be said about all communities, but I am grateful to have found this one. It's so refreshing being able to have insightful conversations about such things. I'm happy for you. It sounds like you are building quite the life for yourself. It sounds beautiful. I know that edge of hell all too well and I am beyond thankful for the slice of heaven I have been building since I chose to change. Love and light to you and yours.