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Tough Times

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joebono

joebono

Rising Star
This shit is wild. I have a feeling it is turning us all into a bunch of nutjobs. Take a look at this forum from a straight persons point of view. Holy shit. We should all be committed. If I would have read this forum a few years ago and was told that I'd be posting some of the crazy shit that I've posted, I wouldn't believe it. Do I like who I've become? Man, I don't know. It's straight society that is blind and ignorant, right? If only they tried it, they'd see. Maybe they would see something else and their conclusions would be different than ours. And then we could ridicule their arguments and blame it on their western culture and say they just don't want to admit what is right before their eyes.

My dreams are intense every night, when I close my eyes I see blasts of color dancing around. I sometimes trip in my sleep. Is that good? I don't know. My brain has undergone a transformation. Have I been enlightened or deluded? Should I celebrate or mourn?

Sometimes I feel that psychedelics can push us too far out and how do we know if we have become casualties of it? I took some time off and went back and I just don't what to make of it in my life. The bliss and euphoria and supposed wisdom all has to come at a price, right? What is the price? $80 a kilo of MHRB? What is it stealing from me without my knowledge? Or is it all a bed of roses?

Am I just seeking something elusive and the further I go into it, the deeper it pulls me and the more hints it drops the more invested I become into the story that will never make any sense? Have I become a twisted individual with a mind that is hunting for answers to questions that are unanswerable? I believe that I am learning how to get deeper into the trip, and I can navigate far into its magical depths, but is that all part of the trick, part of the illusion? Or am I like a hard-working schoolboy who is being rewarded for his diligence? Oh, the fucking irony.

What was life like before psychedelics? I don't know. Maybe I was more content in a discontented way.

At what point do I admit that my urge to trip has become an addiction? Can I be addicted if I only trip once a week? There are just too many questions and I am nowhere near any of the answers, in fact I am so far away from any conclusions that I may as well be lost at sea, drowning. Fuck.
 
I know exactly how you feel, except I can't go in every week. I've gone in enough, and will probably never go in again. When I think about everything I've experienced and what it really means, I completely feel insane.

Hyperspace/consciousness is ridiculous as hell.
 
Psychedelics are a one-way door. You’ve gained knowledge that will make you feel separate from the rest of society at times. There is much that you won’t be able to talk about to most without being seen as crazy.

As you can’t go back through the door your only choice is to learn how to integrate it with the rest of your life. Pay close attention to your use of these tools and also to their effects on the rest of your life.

Is wanting to trip once a week too much? I would say that if you’re happy and want to, why not? If there’s stuff going on or you are having trouble integrating you should take a break for a while and work it out. It won’t disappear while you’re gone!

Do you have fellow travellers you can talk to offline? Having a real person to talk to about this stuff can be very useful.
 
Hey there Joe

It seems to me from recent threads that there is a wave going through the nexus right now. Although this may just be a blip in my own perception, it appears that many are reporting tough times. For some it is financial; for others, emotional or spiritual difficulties. Or all three. Perhaps you are picking up on this general mood, and it's making you question and doubt.

joebono said:
This shit is wild. I have a feeling it is turning us all into a bunch of nutjobs. Take a look at this forum from a straight persons point of view. Holy shit. We should all be committed. If I would have read this forum a few years ago and was told that I'd be posting some of the crazy shit that I've posted, I wouldn't believe it.
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This idea that what's on here 'sounds crazy': of course it does, man - if you haven't seen hyperspace, any description of it is going to sound implausible and incomprehensible. That's what the nexus is here for - to discuss what we experience amongst others who have also experienced it.

But if you are starting to feel like you're losing your grip, joe, lay off the psyches. Do not fuck around with this stuff. It is very, very powerful. Use it with respect, with adequate preparation, and only when you feel ready. If you don't feel ready, don't go in. Give your head some time to settle, to integrate, to come home. In a previous post you mentioned you had suffered a psychotic episode many years ago - given this history, I humbly suggest you seriously consider giving the whole thing a break.

joebono said:
Do I like who I've become? Man, I don't know. It's straight society that is blind and ignorant, right? If only they tried it, they'd see. Maybe they would see something else and their conclusions would be different than ours. And then we could ridicule their arguments and blame it on their western culture and say they just don't want to admit what is right before their eyes.
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I'm not sure if you're mourning a previous life - before you took the red pill, so to speak - but there is a kind of 'us against them' thing going on here, and you make the assumption that all of us here share this view. Respectfully, I don't share this view. I don't have anything against people who don't partake of spice. I don't think less of them, or think I have some kind of special knowledge that renders them stupid. It has given me a new perspective, and a new awareness, and that was what I was looking for; what I needed to help me move out of the place of stuckness I was in. But I'm not at war with so-called 'straights'. Spice is something I'm exploring - carefully - and it doesn't render anyone else around me a lesser person. If I did think this, it would be imo, evidence that perhaps I'm edging toward a misguided paranoid delusion.

joebono said:
Am I just seeking something elusive and the further I go into it, the deeper it pulls me and the more hints it drops the more invested I become into the story that will never make any sense? Have I become a twisted individual with a mind that is hunting for answers to questions that are unanswerable? .... There are just too many questions and I am nowhere near any of the answers, in fact I am so far away from any conclusions that I may as well be lost at sea, drowning. Fuck.
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I'm with Uncle Knucles on this one - there are no answers; just an infinite question. And this is a journey into the heart of an enduring mystery that has no answer. To look for one is to seek gold at the end of a rainbow. Missing in the process of hunting, the rainbow.

You sound like you are in a difficult place right now joe; I hope you can find some peace - but please look after yourself.

Safe travels friend
 
Sounds like you need to give it a break, and there's no shame in that. I think you will 'normalize' a good bit if you spend some time on solid, known ground. As said by others above, its there if/when you want to go back.
 
There's absolutely no shame in taking some time to *practice* what you've learned.

I think the ultimate measure of what is going on can be found in your day-to-day happiness.

For example, in my case, I do journey frequently. But, I am calm, I am creative, I am patient, I am compassionate, and all of these qualities have been forged through utterly mind-bending experiences, peering into the suffering of the planet and riding ecstatic waves of oneness.

I'm not perfect: but the simple lessons of, "just breathe," "just be," awareness of the importance of honoring how I feel, whether it be laughter, weeping, or a purge, has transformed me as a person--FOR THE BETTER.

I've totally had times where I have felt exactly as you are feeling now, but, in my case, found the alternative to journeying worse; the real landmark of how far I have come was when my dad came to visit from out of the country for the first time in a few years, and he met everyone in my life: roommates, friends, boyfriend, employer. Every single person he met told him right away about how kind, how sweet, how inspiring, how helpful, loving, etc., that I am. It really shocked me, because, pre-spice, I used to have a totally negative image of myself, and I would never be open to listening to any of that before; and, that, these people were being honest, and through opening myself, and through following the (sometimes insane) wisdom of psychedelics, I have inspired lots of people and made irreplaceable friends.

I'm NOT painting myself to be a saint: I'm just saying, this is not the girl who used to drive to work in a heat of foul-mouthed road rage, and then sit locked in the car for 20 minutes before social anxiety faded enough to get up and enter the building before shift start.

Also, how long have you been journeying for? I am on my third year of once/week or more, Aya and now with changa. The first year of intense work with Aya was VERY bumpy: I remember in another post you talked about your mom noticing a difference in you, and I totally went through that with my boyfriend at the time. In the beginning, he was absolutely freaked out and concerned for me, but inside, I knew the progress I was making was right (serious processing of childhood trauma, depression, suicide) and I kept going: now (we are still great friends) he can tell everyone to just look at me. Look at where I was and where I've come.

Follow your heart, the answers are there: in the end, the truth will be self-evident. In the meantime, always remember to relate with THE HEART (feeling, empathy) instead of the MIND (philosophy, illusion of separation, etc.).

Anyway, I shared all this to illustrate that, while the journey can be bumpy, diligent work at self-improvement will yield results. I firmly feel that the medicine is a truly positive thing. This is based on my experience.

I have also taken longer periods between journeys (sometimes up to a month), especially in the beginning, before I could wrap my mind around things. I had one particular Aya ceremony early on that involved too much admixture, and while I learned a lot, I was pretty rattled (my solution to that is now LOTS of Caapi to ground and slow the experience).

If your experience, however, is truly interfering with your life, there is no shame in taking a break. Honor yourself and your needs, don't impose some mental standard of, "I NEED to journey X times/month" because... nothing is ever so cut and dry. Make whatever decision you make for yourself based in love (spice taught me that): and the ultimate respect is still knowing when to stop, when it suits you, even if it means taking a break from an awesome teacher.

Every day is full of lessons... :) Wishing you peace!
 
Ms Minx.. a truly inspiring post. We salute you!

Joe - not much I can add here, best of luck to you, keep working on yourself, and remember to enjoy and accept your journey, whether it is daily life or other dimensions.

Namaste.
 
This past weekend I had the most intense experience of my life on caapi and vaped spice. It sent me so far out I thought I was never going to be normal again.

Its taken a full week to feel fully reconnected to normal life. I have spent the week fully emerced in this reality as much as possible. The first few days after I actually felt a little post traumatic stress. thats the only way to describe it. I was not myself at all and barely functional in daliy life.

It was like I witnessed and experienced something so real and so off the charts from anything in this reality that I had to invent my own way of copeing with it.
During the journey I actually became some kind of human- hyperspace being. I could see through my limbs and could see the fabric of the universe vibrating everywhere.
I will never forget it as long as i live.


The point is this: Talking to other people that have been to the far reaches of these "other " realms. These conversations really helped in so many ways. I suggest building a network of people you can actually call up and talk to about this stuff.

And the biggest is simply embracing this reality to its fullest. I have been on a full re-grounding mission this week. I've been doing mundane houshold jobs. spending alot of time with my family being present in every moment. I have a new found appreciation for this world and my life and the beauty all around. I feel waves of gratitude every day.

I suggest diving right into life whenever you feel like you've gone too far over the edge. It might be hard along the way but be patient, you will return better than before.

I think its the balance of the 2 worlds that makes both so amazing and worth every breath of our life.

I know i'm a better person for all of this.
 
joebono said:
This shit is wild. I have a feeling it is turning us all into a bunch of nutjobs.
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Actually, thats one of the main reasons I use psychedelics...to become slightly insane, to rock my own boat, to re-boot and reprogram myself.
I don't want to be "normal" if normal means I can't see past my own burnt in societal programming. If becoming "different" than you were is your test of sanity, I don't think its a well thought out test.

My self test as to my mental health is to ask myself if I can see more love and beauty in the world about me, or does it seem darker?
I can surely say that since spice the world is brighter and I have more empathy for others and even for myself.
 
While we are all familiar with the "DMT doesn't cause physical harm" statement, I have been wondering more and more if regular use is really screwing up some minds. I have been reading lots of posts, certainly more now than when I first joined, that make me have second thoughts about the wisdom being imparted on my friends here.

If it is "before enlightenment- fetch water, chop wood. after enlightenment- fetch water, chop wood but feel alienated and bitter", maybe enlightenment isn't for me.

I didn't start exploring the molecule because I was missing something in my life, or seeking something better. I started exploring because I have an insatiable curiousity. I read posts everyday, often following a person's (or several simultaneously) journeys for weeks or months. There are alot of frightening stories.

It's really cool that we are all back in 5 or 10 minutes, but if prolonged useage leads to general dissatisfaction with life and the world we all live in, is it worth it?

I am not judging anyone here, It's something I'm really trying to figure out before I screw up a very pleasant existence just to satisfy my curiousity about the universe.

Pokey the Ambivalent
 
Bliss of ignorance -> pain of knowledge -> integrate -> bliss of knowledge.

Too much is always a bad thing. Maybe you need a rest from psychedelics and then just use them occasionally. If your mind and body are not ready for these experiences then they will cause problems and pain. Respect is key. Do not abuse these compounds or you will be fuckt!
 
I feel more and more people in here are experiencing very hard times. People, do yourself the favor of not abusing DMT! Using it without any real intention or using it too often IS abusing it, no matter how you feel. Do yourself the favor of integrating your experiences! Stop flying when you feel the slightest hint of inability to function in everyday life!

Oh my... It makes me so sad to see all the people having so rough times. It's easy to overdo it, but for the sake of yourself, you should limit the use. Ground yourself to this life on this planet in this time, you should not only be flying! Remember that a tree both have leaves that stretch for the sun and roots that go deep into the ground.
 
I can't see how everyday use can possibly help. I am still thinking about and learning from lessons I had nearly a year ago. All my journeys have been sequential and a progression. I need time to consider this and thread them together. It is my job to integrate them. Journeying too often can only become a distraction.

How many of you obsess about DMT? How many of you think about it all the time? How many of you always have your next journey in the back of your mind?

If your answers to these questions is either always or most of the time, then you're not living here. This is where your body lives and this is where you subscribe to consensus. The only way you can survive with your levels of DMT intake and the frequency with which you take it is to say goodbye to society, don a loin cloth, live in a tee-pee and bang a drum.

We are supposed to learn how to be more integrated here. We are supposed to learn how to be the best we can here. The objective shouldn't be how to get to the next level as if it were a video game. Pushing the boundaries of hyperspace every day is pointless and damaging. The more time you spend in hyperspace the less time you spend here.

Here is where you are. This is your dimension. In hyperspace you are only a visitor. There is a wonderfully natural reason why you are trapped in your monkey skin.

There is a culture on the Nexus of love and care, but there is also a culture on the Nexus of blind faith and competition. There are some here who are well suited to traveling and they are warriors. However, there are a lot of impressionable people here who think that this is where they need to follow. We are not an army of light going into battle. We are monkeys going into space and if the craft loses control and you spend too much time out of orbit, the chances of ending up fucked are greater.

Be careful people, be wise, healthy, stealthy, strong and above all stay grounded.

There are many people here who are not hanging up when they get the message. Instead they are hammering out numbers and return calls to hyperspace only to get crossed lines.

Give yourselves time, you are only doing yourselves harm.

Peace and love Nexians.
 
Evening Glory, ghostman, great posts.

I suggest that everyone follow those advices. Even though you feel your excessive use doesn't cause you any harm, you may not see that it does until it's too late. Maybe you won't get harmed at all (who the fuck knows?), but this is about taking precautions and being reasonable, and no one NEEDS to go to hyperspace often. That is such bullshit, and if you feel you do I gotta say you have a problem no matter what your reasons may be. Take time between your journeys, there is no need to go all the time. I had my last spice journey almost a year ago, and before that one it had been more than a year. I have done other psychedelics in between, but there is usually several months between the sessions.

Stay balanced. If the use makes you go alienated, then I say you've failed. If there is something I have been taught from several experiences it is that one should get out there and represent what the psychedelic experience is about - love, compassion and contribution to making a better whole. The whole may not be so good as you wish, but "be the change you want to see in the world". It doesn't help anyone to withdraw, and it doesn't cause any change neither...
 
We are not an army of light going into battle. We are monkeys going into space and if the craft loses control and you spend too much time out of orbit, the chances of ending up fucked are greater.
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That was a good one.
 
Stop flying when you feel the slightest hint of inability to function in everyday life!
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If I followed this advice, I would get disqualified in every single moment of my life.
 
cellux said:
Stop flying when you feel the slightest hint of inability to function in everyday life!
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If I followed this advice, I would get disqualified in every single moment of my life.
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Yea, me too, such a large part of functioning in everyday life in the society around us consists of putting up a facade. Honestly, if I didn't have issues with erecting this facade daily I'd take that as a worse sign than feeling slightly unable to maintain the schizophrenia this society dictates.

I'm sick of people making statements about other people's intentions, amounts, or frequency. Yes, there are things that seem "bad" or "wrong" or "dangerous" in relation to the use of psychedelics and consensus reality (tripping in physically unsafe areas, eating heroic doses in public, driving and tripping, etc), but as no one here is anyone else (duh) and as everyone experiences reality/entheogens differently, for people to make blanket statements that people are doing x, y, or z wrong seems to fly in the face of the personal nature of these substances/experiences. I don't advocate use of psychedelics in unsafe sets or settings, but who am I to say what qualifies as insufficient intentions (yea, blasting in front of the tv may raise some questions, and if you have a rough experience I'll definitely point to it as a possible cause, but I'm not gonna say "don't do it", that's your choice) or otherwise "incorrect" preparation? There are things I would call red flags and warning signs for myself based on the experiences I've had, but aside from pointing these things out as possible issues or things to be aware of to others, it is not my place to issue dogmatic assertions about what the spice may or may not require from you.
 
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