Maddd_Maxxx
Esteemed member
Hello! I just had my first microdosed DMT trip yesterday. I did 1.5g of mimosa hostilis and 2g of syrian rue.
Preparation:
I fasted and didn’t smoke THC. It was an amazing lesson beforehand about self control and focusing on the body. I drank lots of water, exercised, meditated on what interesting things might happen on the trip, and worked quite a bit. I also focused on my portfolio more for becoming a tattoo artist. I also finished making a lyric video for my brother’s band, which I had been struggling to complete. I like the song, but some parts I didn’t really care for. It was hard for me to work on those sections because I didn’t want to keep listening to it. However, this pre-trip state gave me the discipline to complete it. Actually now considering doing more mini-fasts. I probably will only do a three day fast before my trip next time, but I will continue to do a week long fast from other bodily things.
When I meditated on the possible trip, I would often think about how I can draw what I have seen to share with people. I know DMT is impossible to capture on paper, but I am aware of a deep and arrogant part of my ego that entertained that maybe I could do it. It would take hundreds of hours, but I kind of loved the idea of being able to do that. I also have daydreams of performing for people, especially talents that I think would be amazing to have but I don’t. For example, I love RuPaul’s Drag Race. I have daydreams of making incredible costumes and winning the competition and being famous for my art. I am not a drag queen (and too shy to be any stage performer), and the closest I have gotten is cosplay. When I did cosplay, I would take on large projects, even though my experience level was very low. I bit off a lot more than I could chew. I did two cosplays: one of General Radahn from Elden Ring and the other Tarn, a Transformer from the comics.
Radahn’s was my first, and it was successful. I brought it to a Con and a Ren Faire, and got lots of compliments. I like to be complimented (and I feel like all humans do), but I wouldn’t go out of my way to get compliments for my art. I would never fish. I entered Radahn into a competition at DragonCon, and even though I was at the entry level, judges still said they were impressed.
I have kinda always had my ego stroked with art. During high school, I was in the Advanced Placement art program for three years. The AP program for art asks for students to spend the year making a portfolio with two parts: one for range (showing how many mediums, styles, and genres you can use) and a specialized section, where you make pieces in your favorite style and around a central idea that you elaborate on. My teacher and I were very close, and I became kind of a “veteran” AP art student.
(I spent a lot of time in the art room. I would be there during lunch and any free time I had, so I was well known by other students. The AP program also has three portfolios you can make (graphic design, illustration, and 3D), and I was the first at the school to do all three. I was regarded highly for my achievements in the program. I will never take back this time in my life because it gave me a community and a safe space as a blooming queer person, but it definitely fired up my art ego. I was always aware of myself and tried not to take compliments too to heart, but my brain would still get a small surge of dopamine each time. It was addictive. I also got a 4/5, 5/5, and 4/5 for each of my portfolios, which was considered an amazing feat by teachers. I felt untouchable and unstoppable.)
I felt my first rip to my art last year, when I made the cosplay of Tarn. It was a full body, 3D printed cosplay. I had never seen someone make a super hyper detailed Transformers cosplay (note: BECAUSE IT CANNOT WORK ON THE HUMAN BODY!!!). I wanted to see if I was the one who could do it. The AP College Board said I was amazing, so I was.
$2000 and 2000 bloody, tearful hours later, I had Tarn. I brought him to the Con, and an hour and a half after getting ready, I couldn’t even walk in him. It was too heavy, and I was too weak from making him. I didn’t eat a lot while making him because I was hyperfocused (a deranged obsession even my family started to point out) and didn’t focus on what was important. I was thin. My art had essentially killed me. My ego had outweighed what my body could even carry. I couldn’t even walk down the hallway to the elevator to get to the Con.
Note about who Tarn is:
Tarn is a Decepticon that works closely with Megatron. He has a team that is tasked with killing those who betray Megatron. He is fascinating with me because of how he is written into being blocked in to being the villain. He used to be an Autobot that had the ability to shut down machinery with just his touch. It brought him great pain, but he would do it anyways to help with missions. However, he was captured and brainwashed to work with Megatron. His mind and soul were surgically removed from his original body and placed in a more powerful, larger body. Now, he can kill anyone with just his voice alone, and there is no pain. Sometimes, however, Tarn suffers because of what he does to people. Sometimes he doesn’t like that he tortures and kills innocent people, and that is why he decided to wear his mask. He says, “I wear it so they [his teammates] don’t see when I close my eyes.” Tarn can’t leave his team because quitting this work means you are murdered. Once you join, you don’t leave. He cannot rethink what has happened to him because even if he does realize how evil he is, he can’t leave without losing his life.
Tarn is also a MAJORLY egotistical character. Millions of people fear him, and he has an ability no one else has. His drive to get back at people and deliver “justice” eventually costs him and his team their lives. His ego killed him, just as my own ego and he killed me.
One time, during an uncomfortable 4-ACO-MET trip, I was throwing up, overheating, and just discombobulated. I eventually found it comfortable to lay on my stomach, on the floor, near my bed. I called my partner and we got through the experience together. I have a Tarn action figure I always keep on my desk next to my bed, and the previous night, he fell off when I put my glasses down. I didn’t bother to get him. My attitude towards Tarn changed after the cosplay. I still love him, but now it is bitter. He hurt me (when I actually hurt myself).
When I looked up while laying on the ground, this is what I saw:
Of course, I got peeved because I found it ironic, that out of ALL places to lay, this position got me and him to look back at each other.
The trip:
I simmered my MH for an hour, and my rue for 20 minutes with some ginger for nausea. I consumed the rue for about 10 minutes before getting started on the MH. I used WAYYY too much water, so I had a whole teapot of tea to power through. I had to stop about halfway through because it was getting too hard on my stomach. I purged around this point and continued on the tea. That took about 30 minutes. I started to explore behind the eye visuals.
I knew that if I saw something, I wanted to ask permission to draw it. I wanted to know if I was allowed to, and if I wasn’t, that is okay.
I got two very, very weak images, like the signal was very disconnected. Images were very soft, like the opacity was set to 10%. I wasn’t surprised, especially with such a watered down tea and already low dose. I just want to feel the body high (which I did), and to make sure there if any lesson I need to learn before I really get deep into this journey.
The first image I saw was a single glowing red “X”, like those in [Insert Country’s Name]’s Got Talent shows. Then, one on the right, and another on the left. I took this as danger, even though I felt a soft, loving intelligence behind it. It was like a mother gently telling their child no to another cookie because more might make their child sick. I actually GASLIT myself into believing it was the start of a fractal pattern, and I tried to force it into parts of Mexican textile patterns like this:
It didn’t work. I could tell something was shoving my mind’s eye away.
WTF WAS I TELLING MYSELF??? Dude, they voted you out! Literally! You got this:
The X’s could have looked any way, but the Mother used sub context of the specific shape of the X’s to communicate my talent is not welcome here. But it was loving because I was being careful about if I am allowed to use my art. It is clear I feel, in my soul, that I can draw what I see, but leave behind the delusion that I am the fucking “chosen one” who can EXACTLY recreate it.
Keep your talents, your ideas, and your ego behind for what is to come. I didn’t realize your ego also encompasses your ideas and talent as well, so I experienced a tiny, tiny taste of ego death when I had this realization after my return. I smoked some cannabis while talking with my trip sitter when I had this realization and we analyzed what I saw.
I believe the Mother said: “Don’t think this is an insult to all of you. There is just one little thing you need to leave behind for next time. If something you don’t understand is shown, don’t try to change it to be positive. Don’t imagine “oh, they are Mexican textiles”. Don’t gaslight yourself.”
She was clear.
I also feel like my art has always been an extension of myself, so if I am to complete this journey, I need to leave behind everything, including my imagination and art. And that is something I feel I am more than happy to do. I have very, very lightly tasted the dream state and the intelligence behind DMT, and it is by far more enjoyable than any piece of art. It is pure and all-knowing. Anything our silly little mortal ape hands can make can’t hold a light to the gigantic mass to what is possible. I also have an art piece about a character I have for a book I am writing, and it is when he first reaches the waiting room. I tried to start drawing the room, but I knew I was wrong, so I painted over the entire background black and left it to be finished after this trip. It knew I had something prepared to capture what I saw. This cannot be captured in any way. I will be putting three red X’s there instead because I am in no way capable to draw this. I can just draw simple lines compared to the complexity of what I am going to see next time.
I was so stupid, but I don’t mind. I want to be told I was stupid, and She was so kind about it. The message was weak, but it was enough. She sent the easiest message that could be transmitted with this dose.
After the X’s, I caught a faint glimpse of what I thought was stairs, but when I focused in, I realized I was at the bottom of a roller coaster track, right before the train starts to climb the first hill. I wasn’t moving, just sitting there. I am at the very beginning, but I can’t be sent off just yet.
Next time, though, my art will be left behind and I will make my brew more properly. Also going to engage with the brew more in the MAOIs strongest window. I don’t feel scared anymore because I know She will be kind, even if that kindness isn’t seen right away by my little brain.
Tripping is a spiritual puberty.
I have also realized my subconsciousness encounter that I discussed in another post was the universe answering my childhood prayers of a supernatural experience. I was raised Catholic, and little me would pray to God very often for a NDE or something supernatural. After awhile, I got desperate and didn’t care if I saw something beautiful or something awful. I just wanted something and She delivered when it was time.
Also, you know when you put your head to the floor and you can hear the hum of the house? I love it because it grounds me and I find it comforting. I didn’t know how I would feel about hearing the hum of the universe, but I think I will love it. It is the same thing, but it is THE HOUSE. The truest hum and vibration.
@Aseel - tagging you to let you know how this trip went before you do your dose
Preparation:
I fasted and didn’t smoke THC. It was an amazing lesson beforehand about self control and focusing on the body. I drank lots of water, exercised, meditated on what interesting things might happen on the trip, and worked quite a bit. I also focused on my portfolio more for becoming a tattoo artist. I also finished making a lyric video for my brother’s band, which I had been struggling to complete. I like the song, but some parts I didn’t really care for. It was hard for me to work on those sections because I didn’t want to keep listening to it. However, this pre-trip state gave me the discipline to complete it. Actually now considering doing more mini-fasts. I probably will only do a three day fast before my trip next time, but I will continue to do a week long fast from other bodily things.
When I meditated on the possible trip, I would often think about how I can draw what I have seen to share with people. I know DMT is impossible to capture on paper, but I am aware of a deep and arrogant part of my ego that entertained that maybe I could do it. It would take hundreds of hours, but I kind of loved the idea of being able to do that. I also have daydreams of performing for people, especially talents that I think would be amazing to have but I don’t. For example, I love RuPaul’s Drag Race. I have daydreams of making incredible costumes and winning the competition and being famous for my art. I am not a drag queen (and too shy to be any stage performer), and the closest I have gotten is cosplay. When I did cosplay, I would take on large projects, even though my experience level was very low. I bit off a lot more than I could chew. I did two cosplays: one of General Radahn from Elden Ring and the other Tarn, a Transformer from the comics.
Radahn’s was my first, and it was successful. I brought it to a Con and a Ren Faire, and got lots of compliments. I like to be complimented (and I feel like all humans do), but I wouldn’t go out of my way to get compliments for my art. I would never fish. I entered Radahn into a competition at DragonCon, and even though I was at the entry level, judges still said they were impressed.
I have kinda always had my ego stroked with art. During high school, I was in the Advanced Placement art program for three years. The AP program for art asks for students to spend the year making a portfolio with two parts: one for range (showing how many mediums, styles, and genres you can use) and a specialized section, where you make pieces in your favorite style and around a central idea that you elaborate on. My teacher and I were very close, and I became kind of a “veteran” AP art student.
(I spent a lot of time in the art room. I would be there during lunch and any free time I had, so I was well known by other students. The AP program also has three portfolios you can make (graphic design, illustration, and 3D), and I was the first at the school to do all three. I was regarded highly for my achievements in the program. I will never take back this time in my life because it gave me a community and a safe space as a blooming queer person, but it definitely fired up my art ego. I was always aware of myself and tried not to take compliments too to heart, but my brain would still get a small surge of dopamine each time. It was addictive. I also got a 4/5, 5/5, and 4/5 for each of my portfolios, which was considered an amazing feat by teachers. I felt untouchable and unstoppable.)
I felt my first rip to my art last year, when I made the cosplay of Tarn. It was a full body, 3D printed cosplay. I had never seen someone make a super hyper detailed Transformers cosplay (note: BECAUSE IT CANNOT WORK ON THE HUMAN BODY!!!). I wanted to see if I was the one who could do it. The AP College Board said I was amazing, so I was.
$2000 and 2000 bloody, tearful hours later, I had Tarn. I brought him to the Con, and an hour and a half after getting ready, I couldn’t even walk in him. It was too heavy, and I was too weak from making him. I didn’t eat a lot while making him because I was hyperfocused (a deranged obsession even my family started to point out) and didn’t focus on what was important. I was thin. My art had essentially killed me. My ego had outweighed what my body could even carry. I couldn’t even walk down the hallway to the elevator to get to the Con.
Note about who Tarn is:
Tarn is a Decepticon that works closely with Megatron. He has a team that is tasked with killing those who betray Megatron. He is fascinating with me because of how he is written into being blocked in to being the villain. He used to be an Autobot that had the ability to shut down machinery with just his touch. It brought him great pain, but he would do it anyways to help with missions. However, he was captured and brainwashed to work with Megatron. His mind and soul were surgically removed from his original body and placed in a more powerful, larger body. Now, he can kill anyone with just his voice alone, and there is no pain. Sometimes, however, Tarn suffers because of what he does to people. Sometimes he doesn’t like that he tortures and kills innocent people, and that is why he decided to wear his mask. He says, “I wear it so they [his teammates] don’t see when I close my eyes.” Tarn can’t leave his team because quitting this work means you are murdered. Once you join, you don’t leave. He cannot rethink what has happened to him because even if he does realize how evil he is, he can’t leave without losing his life.
Tarn is also a MAJORLY egotistical character. Millions of people fear him, and he has an ability no one else has. His drive to get back at people and deliver “justice” eventually costs him and his team their lives. His ego killed him, just as my own ego and he killed me.
One time, during an uncomfortable 4-ACO-MET trip, I was throwing up, overheating, and just discombobulated. I eventually found it comfortable to lay on my stomach, on the floor, near my bed. I called my partner and we got through the experience together. I have a Tarn action figure I always keep on my desk next to my bed, and the previous night, he fell off when I put my glasses down. I didn’t bother to get him. My attitude towards Tarn changed after the cosplay. I still love him, but now it is bitter. He hurt me (when I actually hurt myself).
When I looked up while laying on the ground, this is what I saw:
Of course, I got peeved because I found it ironic, that out of ALL places to lay, this position got me and him to look back at each other.
The trip:
I simmered my MH for an hour, and my rue for 20 minutes with some ginger for nausea. I consumed the rue for about 10 minutes before getting started on the MH. I used WAYYY too much water, so I had a whole teapot of tea to power through. I had to stop about halfway through because it was getting too hard on my stomach. I purged around this point and continued on the tea. That took about 30 minutes. I started to explore behind the eye visuals.
I knew that if I saw something, I wanted to ask permission to draw it. I wanted to know if I was allowed to, and if I wasn’t, that is okay.
I got two very, very weak images, like the signal was very disconnected. Images were very soft, like the opacity was set to 10%. I wasn’t surprised, especially with such a watered down tea and already low dose. I just want to feel the body high (which I did), and to make sure there if any lesson I need to learn before I really get deep into this journey.
The first image I saw was a single glowing red “X”, like those in [Insert Country’s Name]’s Got Talent shows. Then, one on the right, and another on the left. I took this as danger, even though I felt a soft, loving intelligence behind it. It was like a mother gently telling their child no to another cookie because more might make their child sick. I actually GASLIT myself into believing it was the start of a fractal pattern, and I tried to force it into parts of Mexican textile patterns like this:
It didn’t work. I could tell something was shoving my mind’s eye away.
WTF WAS I TELLING MYSELF??? Dude, they voted you out! Literally! You got this:
The X’s could have looked any way, but the Mother used sub context of the specific shape of the X’s to communicate my talent is not welcome here. But it was loving because I was being careful about if I am allowed to use my art. It is clear I feel, in my soul, that I can draw what I see, but leave behind the delusion that I am the fucking “chosen one” who can EXACTLY recreate it.
Keep your talents, your ideas, and your ego behind for what is to come. I didn’t realize your ego also encompasses your ideas and talent as well, so I experienced a tiny, tiny taste of ego death when I had this realization after my return. I smoked some cannabis while talking with my trip sitter when I had this realization and we analyzed what I saw.
I believe the Mother said: “Don’t think this is an insult to all of you. There is just one little thing you need to leave behind for next time. If something you don’t understand is shown, don’t try to change it to be positive. Don’t imagine “oh, they are Mexican textiles”. Don’t gaslight yourself.”
She was clear.
I also feel like my art has always been an extension of myself, so if I am to complete this journey, I need to leave behind everything, including my imagination and art. And that is something I feel I am more than happy to do. I have very, very lightly tasted the dream state and the intelligence behind DMT, and it is by far more enjoyable than any piece of art. It is pure and all-knowing. Anything our silly little mortal ape hands can make can’t hold a light to the gigantic mass to what is possible. I also have an art piece about a character I have for a book I am writing, and it is when he first reaches the waiting room. I tried to start drawing the room, but I knew I was wrong, so I painted over the entire background black and left it to be finished after this trip. It knew I had something prepared to capture what I saw. This cannot be captured in any way. I will be putting three red X’s there instead because I am in no way capable to draw this. I can just draw simple lines compared to the complexity of what I am going to see next time.
I was so stupid, but I don’t mind. I want to be told I was stupid, and She was so kind about it. The message was weak, but it was enough. She sent the easiest message that could be transmitted with this dose.
After the X’s, I caught a faint glimpse of what I thought was stairs, but when I focused in, I realized I was at the bottom of a roller coaster track, right before the train starts to climb the first hill. I wasn’t moving, just sitting there. I am at the very beginning, but I can’t be sent off just yet.
Next time, though, my art will be left behind and I will make my brew more properly. Also going to engage with the brew more in the MAOIs strongest window. I don’t feel scared anymore because I know She will be kind, even if that kindness isn’t seen right away by my little brain.
Tripping is a spiritual puberty.
I have also realized my subconsciousness encounter that I discussed in another post was the universe answering my childhood prayers of a supernatural experience. I was raised Catholic, and little me would pray to God very often for a NDE or something supernatural. After awhile, I got desperate and didn’t care if I saw something beautiful or something awful. I just wanted something and She delivered when it was time.
Also, you know when you put your head to the floor and you can hear the hum of the house? I love it because it grounds me and I find it comforting. I didn’t know how I would feel about hearing the hum of the universe, but I think I will love it. It is the same thing, but it is THE HOUSE. The truest hum and vibration.
@Aseel - tagging you to let you know how this trip went before you do your dose
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