Wow.. I like this. I can't actually say what, or why.. But, I like this.
still seeking said:
does this reality not agree with your inner soul?
This one resonates with me, the most. I'm not really sure why.. at all. I'm not sure if it's the actual, reality, that I'm not agreeing with, or.. the surrounding situations I
have to deal with.
Lately, and this has pretty much nothing to do with psychedelics at all, but, I find it really hard to connect with another person. It's not like I'm awkward or anything.. I have a good amount of, friends, but.. not many of them I can truely see eye to eye with, on most things. Maybe, one thing here, or there, but.. for the vast majority of things, everyone else seems to differ.
Or, maybe it's me who differs?
This place, that I live in. It's just not for me. I've always felt like I was born, not at the wrong time, but.. at a much harder time than I should have. Not even like, "I should have".. it's more, I just feel out of place.
My views on the world, are so different, from even my immediate families, that, it just makes one wonder. How? How, did I come to such conclusions about this place we live in, with all the external stimuli that I had? Meaning, normally, people who go through generally the same set of circumstances I did, don't usually turn out like this.
I feel.. so out of place sometimes. But, when I really get into myself, considering everything, and just, thinking, the things I can come up with, the things... I believe in, make me just, the happiest person.
It's so hard to even make sense of it.. when I really get in deep. I guess, it's just so hard, to.. make sense of myself.
Why am I so happy? Why am I so depressed? Why can I be so happy without anybody around? But at almost the same instant, be so crushed, by the same fact?
It's not like I'm all alone around here. There's thousands of people in this town. But.. when it truely comes down to it, I'm not like these others. No god complex or anything like that. Seriously. But, I'm just not like these guys.
You want to know what one of the greatest joys I can have is? Bringing that realization to somebody else. That point, when that person is trying, with all their might, to explain something to you, or get their feelings out to you, but they seem to be having a hard time doing so. They.. can't fully express themselves the way they want to. I can see that. I can see what they're trying to do, and what they want to do. And, what they are doing. And then I can explain that to them, and make them understand themselves, just a little bit more. They can get things out, so much easier now, because they've figgured it out. They get it now. Even, just that little thing. Being able to express yourself better. Or, even, just having someone else get what you're trying to say.
I can understand everybody. I know what you mean, when you say this, or that. I know what mean, when you're not saying anything at all. I can see, right through, most people.
And.. maybe, that's why I feel as though I don't belong here. In, this exact place. Maybe even this time, this reality. I'm not sure. I'm not even sure it actually goes that deep. It may though.
I guess.. really, it's just, nobody can see through me. Nobody can even read me. I'll spell the words out for you, right here. But, they still can't read it.
I guess.. I'm just lonely. I have friends.( a few) I have family. But.. they don't really know me. I try. I try every chance I get. To show them who I really am. Sometimes it seems as though it's to hard for them to understand it, or, grasp it. Sometimes, it seems like they just don't want to try.
Wow.. I'm.. really opening up to this community. When people usually get a speech like that, I'm either completly drunk as a skunk, or, I trust them immensly. And, the second one 9 times out of 10 comes back to bite me in the ass.
And.. I know I'm not drunk now. So.. I guess I must trust you guys a little bit.
I wonder if this was what you were trying to get at, still seeking. I'd love to answer some of those other questions a little more fuller, But, I might have actually done that already.. with all those words up there.
Thanks alot. This made me feel..
real good. Really good.
And..
still seeking said:
stands out to me, alot too. But.. I truthfully, don't think I can answer that.
.
