Would a friend do this?

[Cazman043]

My ex and i had broken up, it was a pretty messy break up, she'd left me and i didnt take to it too well. She started to hang out with a new friend i made, whilst i was in Europe doing travels. They ended out hanging out a lot, until i found out from him that she'd slept over at his a couple times in his bed, they did nothing, but they both felt a sexual tension, she then went up to him and told him she was having feelings for him, in which he said he needed some space to think things through and was feeling guilty of his feelings because of me.

When i found this out, i cut contact from him, as i was quite upset to find out that he'd voluntarily been inviting her over and having sleep overs with my ex whom he knew i was still very much getting over. I just sat with myself then and realised, even though this happened a month ago, i am still holding onto anger towards what happened, and I'm still unsure of whether or not a friend would do something like this, even though the end result was him respecting me, it did feel like he wasn't respecting my feelings until things got quite serious and intense between the two of them. What are your guys thoughts, is that somebody who should be kept as a friend, i do find it difficult to let people go whom i love so dearly and see so much love and light in them, but to be disrespected like this has added some confusion.

 

[hixidom]

Physical intimacy is a basic human (i.e. animal) need. Lack of it leads to intense loneliness and desperation which can cause people to seek out situations that might unintentionally hurt people they care about. So I guess physical intimacy is just another blinding addiction. Assuming all of this applies to your friend and your ex, you should go easy on him.

There are other things to consider too, like:
1. is your friend more compatible with your ex than you were? If so, can you really deny him a chance at what might turn into a long and fruitful relationship?
2. the details of how your friend is handling this whole thing. Does he understand that you are offended and does he regret what he did? Basically, is he being a dick about it?

If he's not being a dick about it, then I think they deserve a shot at a relationship (you can't keep them from trying). Whether you can tolerate that is really up to you. It depends on how much you hate your ex and how much you care about this particular friendship. Those two forces are fighting against each other and one of them is stronger.

 

[DmnStr8]

Move on my friend. A true friend would not do what he did. I almost guarantee he is already downplaying. Find a new friend. Find a new girlfriend. It sucks but, it is what it is. I couldn't be friends with someone like that. Trust is paramount and for me and, that trust would have been shattered in that situation. You can try to piece the trust back together but it will never be the same. Like a nice vase that has fell off the table. Yeah, you glued it and fit all the pieces together, but you will always see the fractures.

 

[Wolfnippletip]

The sooner you move on the sooner you recover. This is a definite move on situation. Move on from both of them for your own sake.

 

[anne halonium]

im in the " dump em both " camp.

you gotz no time for people rowing the current against ya.

 

[inaniel]

Don't just move on. It doesn't really address the issue. Let go of the idea that someone is somehow bound to you after sharing intimacy for any time after said intimacy. It used to hurt when I was younger but I quickly did away with the idea, it's irrational and brings about avoidable, unnecessary pain.


"If you love a flower, don’t pick it up.
Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love.
So if you love a flower, let it be.
Love is not about possession.
Love is about appreciation"


- osho

 

[Cazman043]

"If you love a flower, don’t pick it up.
Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love.
So if you love a flower, let it be.
Love is not about possession.
Love is about appreciation"


- osho

I agree here, but that doesn't meant i need to unnecessarily subject myself to the pain of witnessing a friend be with the girl whom I still have strong feelings towards. I never told him he can't date her, but i just don't feel i could be friends with someone who was to try when they new my heart was still aching.

 

[hixidom]

Fair enough, and I should say that I have no experience with this, so the members who sided with forsaking the friendship probably have more relevant experience and thus more reasonable advice.

 

[hug46]

Fair enough, and I should say that I have no experience with this, so the members who sided with forsaking the friendship probably have more relevant experience and thus more reasonable advice.

I have experience of both sides of this scenario and i reckon you were pretty much on the money. I am saying this from a totally personal point of view but you have to be very philosophical about this kinda stuff otherwise it can eat you alive.

 

[spawn9076]

I think you asking the wrong question.

look within yourself does it really matter what other people are doing together? I know it can be difficult but losing friends over it doesn't sound good.

I've had pretty much the same experience as you. I decided to support my friend I decided we were well and truly over anyway it'll go either of two ways they'll be great together or they wont last. what each and every person does is down to themselves she could just as easily be with a strange person I wouldn't try to influence there decisions in anyway, just be a good friend.

I hope you can re connect with your friend life is too short to worry about such things, I appreciate it is hard and everyone has a different situation but holding anger against people isn't what you want.

anger, jealousy whatever it is you don't need to show that the only person its really effecting is you negatively.

I would contact your friend and say you over reacted to the news (understandably) passing some positivity around is always good, if you don't the only one who loses is you, you lose a friend and hold onto to your anger and jealous. be the bigger person and let go why not?

 

[jamie]

Neither of them owe you anything. Welcome to life. It's a messy and complex thing that makes no sense and you, your relations, are just processes that have arisen somewhere in the middle of it's meaninglessness. Don't think too hard about it. It can drive you mad.

Wish them well and move on? You also do not owe them anything.

 

[fathomlessness]

ppfft, to try and decide whether or not they are your friends is worthless, this is just social politics of 'if you do this then I am not friends with you'. If they were TRUELY your friends and you were TRUELY not so attatched to your ego you wouldn't give a hoot either way because you enjoy being in their company and just want everyone to be happy. You suffer because you desire life to be a certain way, you want your girlfriend there because you are attatched to wanting life to be a certain way, this certain way is with her as your girlfriend. This reminds me of a crack addict that just can't give up... then turns angry and hurts someone in the process of him "not getting his fix"... don't make that foolish mistake that majority of people in the world make.

PLUS, imagine if she left you for him and then 3 months later you meet the most beautiful girl in the world that is 10x better than your old one. See good in bad, circumstances are not just purely bad... there is always good opportunities hiding within them, people just have a tendency to overlook that and get depressed and angry because they blindly assume it is all just negative. Whats fools we are!

 

[fathomlessness]

Welcome to life. It's a messy and complex thing that makes no sense and you, your relations, are just processes that have arisen somewhere in the middle of it's meaninglessness. Don't think too hard about it. It can drive you mad.

Good advice

she could just as easily be with a strange person

True, I'd rather my mate stickin it to my ex than some absolute asshole.

"If you love a flower, don’t pick it up.
Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love.
So if you love a flower, let it be.
Love is not about possession.
Love is about appreciation"
- osho

So true, *butterfly lands on shoulder, tries grab it... kills it*

 

[Jin]

relationships with humans is some crazy shit

 

[FiniteFox]

My ex and i had broken up, it was a pretty messy break up, she'd left me and i didnt take to it too well. She started to hang out with a new friend i made, whilst i was in Europe doing travels. They ended out hanging out a lot, until i found out from him that she'd slept over at his a couple times in his bed, they did nothing, but they both felt a sexual tension, she then went up to him and told him she was having feelings for him, in which he said he needed some space to think things through and was feeling guilty of his feelings because of me.

When i found this out, i cut contact from him, as i was quite upset to find out that he'd voluntarily been inviting her over and having sleep overs with my ex whom he knew i was still very much getting over. I just sat with myself then and realised, even though this happened a month ago, i am still holding onto anger towards what happened, and I'm still unsure of whether or not a friend would do something like this, even though the end result was him respecting me, it did feel like he wasn't respecting my feelings until things got quite serious and intense between the two of them. What are your guys thoughts, is that somebody who should be kept as a friend, i do find it difficult to let people go whom i love so dearly and see so much love and light in them, but to be disrespected like this has added some confusion.

I'm going to say my gut feelings, if I'm wrong, I apologize.

They've already had sex.
This dude just probably isn't a cosmic friend for you. He's mature enough to know not to go too deep into the rabbit hole without at least trying to sort things out with you.

But he's not mature enough to not not get involved in a crazy situation. He's probably not a bad guy.

Unless it's real love at first sight type stuff, part of the allure for both parties is the drama mixed with pain and leftover emotion. If you and this dude are similar, it is no wonder your ex might be attracted to him, plus add her needy void from the break up. If she was good enough for you, at least for a time, wouldn't she be an attractive option for him?

You could be friends later, but if you play it weird, then maybe not. As others mentioned, you don't owe them anything, and vice versa. If you can't play it cool let them go. Let them go emotionally anyway, if you've got that skill. You don't have to play it cool though and can move on.



Now on to you. Chances are, you have some work on yourself to do as well. This isn't a poke, but an observation about bad breakups being exacerbated by both parties.

These people are not going out of their way to disrespect you. They are just trying to get their needs and wants met. Why shouldn't they? But your attachment is causing you to take offence.

Love is a tricky thing. You may feel you love them, but it sounds like you want to control them. Or love them conditionally. Again, a deep friend probably wouldn't creep onto your ex, particularly in a short amount of time, because of their love for you. At least mature, good decision makers would not. But it's not unheard of.

It's ok to walk away and not get involved in toxic exchanges; even if you are the one who would make them toxic. And yeah, there are more friends in your future, even if it seems like you're vacant right now.

 

[Cazman043]

It's ok to walk away and not get involved in toxic exchanges; even if you are the one who would make them toxic. And yeah, there are more friends in your future, even if it seems like you're vacant right now.

Haha, bro this has been quite a while since the post, i just concluded there's no point wasting my time or conscious attention on the experience and took myself out of the situation by dropping them both as people I surround myself with. They're human, I'm human, neither party is right or wrong, it was just a waste of energy and emotionally stirring to be around, so no point in it.

Briefly, the dude was the complete opposite to me physically, as for if they did it or not, who knows (only them), she kissed me the night they parted because they were feeling guilty for whatever it was they were doing (if that was just the emotions involved or if it was physical again only they know), so if she did get with him, thats her karma not mine, but he did seem quite legit in his response and said nothing happened, one can only trust the word of another, and if they lie, again, its their karma.

My love ~MC~