IceKoldpp
Esteemed member
This has shaped up to be a long one so thank you for giving it a read and please if anyone has had a similar experience or any type of insight into it's meaning PLEASE share it. It's been 2 days since and I'm still finding myself questioning whether i'm still alive or at least in my original timeline/reality. I'd say I'm at about 95% at this point but that 5% is insistent.
Hello all. I'll start with a little background.
I'm relatively new to spice in terms of time but have definitely jumped in with both feet. I have been wanting to try it for nearly a decade but it has been extremely rare/non-existent in my part of the world (small rural town on the east coast of the US). About four or five months ago though, it magically appeared in my life as many say that it does when the time is right. Someone gave me a small glass vile and I got maybe 10 doses out of that w/ maybe 3 true BT experiences as I figured out my technique and upgraded to a gvg from the standard oil burner style pipe. As I was getting close to the end of that vile I decided to look into extraction since it was likely that I wouldn't be able to get more from the same source. I ended up extracting successfully almost 2g of nice white fluffy xtals and for the last two months or so since my extraction, I've been using spice I'd say on average maybe three times a week.
Until this point in my life I've been what most would consider just a normal dude. I'm a musician and creative type but I have a regular big boy job and provide for a wife, kid and 2 dogs. Your normal middle class adult life for the most part. I've always had a tenacious interest in consciousness and the "big" questions, but at a hobby level. Very little experience w/ psychedelics before spice. Maybe 3 trips with golden teachers over 3 decades. So far, my travels in hyperspace have been an extremely beautiful consciousness expanding paradigm shifting experience for me. Everything I always kind of hoped it would be as far as opening my eyes to the "More" of it all has actually turned out to be true. I suddenly at 38 years old am finding myself believing in things I absolutely never even gave a single thought to. I've seen it effecting me positively in regular life in how I deal with others, myself, failure, self limiting beliefs that I've carried around for most of my life, and just soo many other ways. The world has truly become magical in a lot of ways for me and since finding and beginning my use there are very regularly occuring synchronicity's that have often seemed impossible to explain or chalk up to coincidence. like sometimes to the point that the only way the universe could make it more clear would be to pause reality and announce over a loud speaker something like "hey dummy, there's MORE going on here!!". I really can't express how impactful and self actualizing it's been for me.
overall my trips have been overwhelmingly positive and fun as far as the general vibe. even the ones that were more serious or instructive or inward focused were still free of negativity or fear. nothing ever malevolent in tone. not even close. i've remained very reverent with every use even as my trip count has risen and somewhat of a routine has formed, treating it as a medicine or tool for exploration, always setting an intention and never taking it lightly. i've never felt an energy from any of my entity encounters that felt that they didn't want me there or didn't want me to return. quite the opposite actually. But last night was extremely foreign and unsettling and has lingered intensely and i don't expect that it will fade soon..
I have a small 12'x16' shed in my backyard that I've transformed into a home studio where I make music and kindof just hangout in the evenings after work and family stuff. Naturally this has become the launchpad for my journeys into alternate realities and cartoon fantasy scapes. I even bought a pretty sweet little packable cot off of amazon a month or so back that I can just pop out, blast off, and fold back up and stash away. I'll set my cot out, lower the lights, put some low meditation chanting or music on barely audible and play some interesting visuals on the tv that I'm facing when lying on the cot (my profile pic is actually just a pov photo taken from my cot). So last night around 12am I load my gvg with 40mg of spice and lie down with a few pillows propping me up. I take my regular 2 big long inhales and hold them in 15-20 seconds like always. Feel it coming on strong and set down the lighter and gvg beside me on the floor. Usually as I lie back, my eyes close on their own and the majority of the trip is spent that way, then I'll open them as I'm coming back into base reality and enjoy the "electric sheep" or whatever I've selected to have going on the tv. This time though, the craziness on the television begins to pour out into the room in the most insane beautiful detail and is constantly in flux and wrapping around the walls and surrounding me and my cot and I'm feeling the presense of a jester entity and I have a strong sense that this intense and beautiful diorama unfolding in my shed is a collaborative effort between me and the jester. My eyes are open this entire trip. I just have that wide eyed confused "holy sh*t, I can't believe what I'm seeing right now, how the hell is this even possible?!" look plastered on my face for the 8-9 minutes duration of the trip before it starts to wain and I slowly come back to my cot to enjoy the afterglow.
This experience was so intense and honestly just.. fun, that I decided to load up a smaller dose quickly (around 20mg) and go again. I've only done this maybe 2-3 other times, and never with any negative effects. I really wish I would've just basked in the glow of the jester's moving art display for a bit and then gone inside to bed...
The Scary Part... A PALE COMPARISON
I take this next dose in fully and hold it in. This time my eyes force themselves closed and I'm seeing the room that i'm in with these cartoon shooting stars in tons of different colors kindof shooting out of anywhere there are lights in the room. Then after maybe a minute I open my eyes again and something very strange has happened to my surroundings. and my thought patterns / depth of thought and recall. The only way I can describe it is that it's like if reality is a videogame on pc and normal reality is the program running at 100%, when I opened my eyes everything was as if the program output had been turned down to 30%. the room I'm in is the room I'm in but the texturing detail is greatly reduced, lots of things are missing but small things. like things that the program would think i'm less likely to notice. Like a cup on my desk. like if in this 30% setting there's only enough bandwidth to process say, 25 total items within my field of view, those resources will go to the big things that would be very obvious if they aren't there. This scares me so I sit up and turn myself sitting sideways on my cot now with my feet on the floor. As I pan around the room I'm literally seeing the items in my room depopulate and repopulate to stay within the bandwidth settings. Also proportions are wrong but only slightly. Close, but off enough to be obviously wrong. Like if regular life is the fidelity of a photograph, this was a marker drawing by a talented artist. Close, but obviously not the real thing..
I think to myself "lie back down, you're having a bad trip. You're on deems and it'll be over soon. minutes. close your eyes and reset the trip." I do this. When I lie down and close my eyes again though it's just dark like it is normally. As I'm thinking things to myself and processing my thoughts I realize that my thinking also is reflective of the same downgrades of my visual processing of my environment. it's like my mental processing is turned down to 30%. I want to make this clear though. I don't mean in terms of intellect. its not like I felt only 30% as smart as I normally do. I still have all of the data and information in there, but I can only access at 30% efficiency. Like if the spotlight in my mind is usually a floodlight, I'm currently only able shine a handheld flashlight. I start to test this and I'll think of a name of someone I know and there's only a very shallow profile there. The majority of our interactions and small nuances to their personality are hazy. Again, the program only processing the minimum to maintain illusion. A pale comparison.
When I open my eyes again, nothing has changed. still 30%. At this point I'm scared. This has been wayyy longer than any other trip for me so far. I mean by like awhile. And things aren't going back to normal. There is also this absence of sound. Like dead silence. I sit up again and I'm kindof panicking and I try to shake my head and will myself out of this strange purgatory type place I've ended up in. Ofcourse this is pointless and does nothing but scare me more when it doesn't do anything at all to help. I lie back down again and start trying hard to process what's happening to me. I then get this overwhelming deep sense that either I've died and this is some sort of projection of my home that is only a shadow to help me through the transition or that I'm myself a program of myself but not the real thing. Everything feels hollow. There's no actual substance or depth. It's all just cardboard boxes painted to look like my familiar surroundings or strings of code to imitate my computer desk or acoustic guitar. Again, a pale comparison. I'm so scared that one of these two terrible explainations are true and also so deeply and profoundly sure that that one of them is true. I'm deeply shaken and panicking.
I tell myself to get up and go open the door to my studio to see if there is actually anything beyond the four walls surrounding me. I open the door and it's dark out and my backyard is like everything else. A shadow of itself. but at least it's there. As is my house. But it is still dead silent. No wind or crickets or rustling at all. At this point it's approaching 2am. I come back into the studio and close the door and lie back down on my cot trying to rationalize this situation to absolutely no avail. I'm now simply trying to get to grips with the nature of my new reality. I am no longer me, not in the sense that I have always been. I'm either a conscious copy or I'm now my disembodied soul in purgatory or hell. It is way too much for me to grapple with and I suddenly feel an overwhelming loss toward my 15 yo son and his mother. I have to know if they're inside the house or if I've lost them forever.
I shoot up from my cot and run barefoot in the cold to my back door. I open it as slowly and quietly as I can and step inside. All of the lights are off and the theme continues into the house. The resources are still governed to 30% and nothing is quite as it should be. I walk slowly and quietly through the living room to the front of the house where my son's bedroom is. I crack his door and call out to him quietly. "Gav, you asleep? It's almost pitch dark in his room but I hear his blankets rustling and he says "yea dad". This was the most beautiful sound my ears had ever heard. I didn't trust it anywhere near fully but I remember thinking "at least this shadow of my life has some version of my boy here with me. even if it's just his voice I can hang on that for eons.". I tell him "ok, just checking on u dude. love you. goodnight." and I close his door and walk slowly back through the living room toward the master bedroom where my wife and I sleep. She isn't an explorer in any since of the word related to substances and she doesn't like very much that I have recently began to experiment with spice. She's a normal straight laced professional woman and mother in her mid 30's and she embodies that archetype almost completely. It took alot of time and patiently explaining and showing studies and so forth to even get her to the point of seperating dmt from herion or cocaine. It's still a delicate line that I try very hard to maintain with her and her perception of spice. I am extremely careful to not do or act in any way that can push her to seeing my use as bad or dangerous or negative in any way.
Well that went right the heck out the window as I slinked into our bedroom and sidle up to my side of the bed and reach over to her side of the bed to feel around to see if she was there. I feel her arm under the blankets and whisper "Stef, are you there?". She slightly turns and barely awake says "what? yes. why wouldn't I be?". Even though visually and cognitively nothing has changed from the 30% settings, I’m so relieved to hear her voice and actually feel her there, solidly existing under the blankets that though I’m still terrified and convinced that I’ve broken something in my mind or reality, I can’t help but also begin to feel relief that at least I’m not alone. We’ve been together for over 15 yrs and have never been the types to show much mushy affection toward each other but I cannot stop myself from telling her I love her in that moment. That’s when she knew something was up.. she asks me “are you on drugs? Did you take dmt?”. My answer was “yes, I’m sorry.. But you swear you’re real right? Are you actually real and there?”. Surprisingly (like VERY surprisingly) she didn’t seem mad. She assures me she’s real and that she’s actually there and tells me to get in bed and just try to sleep. I listen and we lay there talking for maybe 15 minutes or so. The whole time though I have this deep certainty that it’s still just a trick and there would be no morning to follow when I do fall asleep. As my eyes have adjusted to the dark of the room and I’m able to faintly see my surroundings they are still “off” like everything else has been since this began.
I finally drift off to sleep and thankfully there was a morning and when I opened my eyes everything was back to normal. But this has deeply shaken my sense of reality and self and maybe what happens next. It almost feels like I crashed the machine with that second dose and booted back up in safe mode with limited resources which manifested itself in the strange “pale comparison” or “30%” way I was seeing and operating in. And then was able to do the needed maintenance/repairs while I slept so that reality could boot back up normally when I woke..
I know this was a long post but I wanted to do the experience justice in it’s description and gravity for me. I hope it was at least an interesting read and am VERY anxious to hear thoughts.
Hello all. I'll start with a little background.
I'm relatively new to spice in terms of time but have definitely jumped in with both feet. I have been wanting to try it for nearly a decade but it has been extremely rare/non-existent in my part of the world (small rural town on the east coast of the US). About four or five months ago though, it magically appeared in my life as many say that it does when the time is right. Someone gave me a small glass vile and I got maybe 10 doses out of that w/ maybe 3 true BT experiences as I figured out my technique and upgraded to a gvg from the standard oil burner style pipe. As I was getting close to the end of that vile I decided to look into extraction since it was likely that I wouldn't be able to get more from the same source. I ended up extracting successfully almost 2g of nice white fluffy xtals and for the last two months or so since my extraction, I've been using spice I'd say on average maybe three times a week.
Until this point in my life I've been what most would consider just a normal dude. I'm a musician and creative type but I have a regular big boy job and provide for a wife, kid and 2 dogs. Your normal middle class adult life for the most part. I've always had a tenacious interest in consciousness and the "big" questions, but at a hobby level. Very little experience w/ psychedelics before spice. Maybe 3 trips with golden teachers over 3 decades. So far, my travels in hyperspace have been an extremely beautiful consciousness expanding paradigm shifting experience for me. Everything I always kind of hoped it would be as far as opening my eyes to the "More" of it all has actually turned out to be true. I suddenly at 38 years old am finding myself believing in things I absolutely never even gave a single thought to. I've seen it effecting me positively in regular life in how I deal with others, myself, failure, self limiting beliefs that I've carried around for most of my life, and just soo many other ways. The world has truly become magical in a lot of ways for me and since finding and beginning my use there are very regularly occuring synchronicity's that have often seemed impossible to explain or chalk up to coincidence. like sometimes to the point that the only way the universe could make it more clear would be to pause reality and announce over a loud speaker something like "hey dummy, there's MORE going on here!!". I really can't express how impactful and self actualizing it's been for me.
overall my trips have been overwhelmingly positive and fun as far as the general vibe. even the ones that were more serious or instructive or inward focused were still free of negativity or fear. nothing ever malevolent in tone. not even close. i've remained very reverent with every use even as my trip count has risen and somewhat of a routine has formed, treating it as a medicine or tool for exploration, always setting an intention and never taking it lightly. i've never felt an energy from any of my entity encounters that felt that they didn't want me there or didn't want me to return. quite the opposite actually. But last night was extremely foreign and unsettling and has lingered intensely and i don't expect that it will fade soon..
I have a small 12'x16' shed in my backyard that I've transformed into a home studio where I make music and kindof just hangout in the evenings after work and family stuff. Naturally this has become the launchpad for my journeys into alternate realities and cartoon fantasy scapes. I even bought a pretty sweet little packable cot off of amazon a month or so back that I can just pop out, blast off, and fold back up and stash away. I'll set my cot out, lower the lights, put some low meditation chanting or music on barely audible and play some interesting visuals on the tv that I'm facing when lying on the cot (my profile pic is actually just a pov photo taken from my cot). So last night around 12am I load my gvg with 40mg of spice and lie down with a few pillows propping me up. I take my regular 2 big long inhales and hold them in 15-20 seconds like always. Feel it coming on strong and set down the lighter and gvg beside me on the floor. Usually as I lie back, my eyes close on their own and the majority of the trip is spent that way, then I'll open them as I'm coming back into base reality and enjoy the "electric sheep" or whatever I've selected to have going on the tv. This time though, the craziness on the television begins to pour out into the room in the most insane beautiful detail and is constantly in flux and wrapping around the walls and surrounding me and my cot and I'm feeling the presense of a jester entity and I have a strong sense that this intense and beautiful diorama unfolding in my shed is a collaborative effort between me and the jester. My eyes are open this entire trip. I just have that wide eyed confused "holy sh*t, I can't believe what I'm seeing right now, how the hell is this even possible?!" look plastered on my face for the 8-9 minutes duration of the trip before it starts to wain and I slowly come back to my cot to enjoy the afterglow.
This experience was so intense and honestly just.. fun, that I decided to load up a smaller dose quickly (around 20mg) and go again. I've only done this maybe 2-3 other times, and never with any negative effects. I really wish I would've just basked in the glow of the jester's moving art display for a bit and then gone inside to bed...
The Scary Part... A PALE COMPARISON
I take this next dose in fully and hold it in. This time my eyes force themselves closed and I'm seeing the room that i'm in with these cartoon shooting stars in tons of different colors kindof shooting out of anywhere there are lights in the room. Then after maybe a minute I open my eyes again and something very strange has happened to my surroundings. and my thought patterns / depth of thought and recall. The only way I can describe it is that it's like if reality is a videogame on pc and normal reality is the program running at 100%, when I opened my eyes everything was as if the program output had been turned down to 30%. the room I'm in is the room I'm in but the texturing detail is greatly reduced, lots of things are missing but small things. like things that the program would think i'm less likely to notice. Like a cup on my desk. like if in this 30% setting there's only enough bandwidth to process say, 25 total items within my field of view, those resources will go to the big things that would be very obvious if they aren't there. This scares me so I sit up and turn myself sitting sideways on my cot now with my feet on the floor. As I pan around the room I'm literally seeing the items in my room depopulate and repopulate to stay within the bandwidth settings. Also proportions are wrong but only slightly. Close, but off enough to be obviously wrong. Like if regular life is the fidelity of a photograph, this was a marker drawing by a talented artist. Close, but obviously not the real thing..
I think to myself "lie back down, you're having a bad trip. You're on deems and it'll be over soon. minutes. close your eyes and reset the trip." I do this. When I lie down and close my eyes again though it's just dark like it is normally. As I'm thinking things to myself and processing my thoughts I realize that my thinking also is reflective of the same downgrades of my visual processing of my environment. it's like my mental processing is turned down to 30%. I want to make this clear though. I don't mean in terms of intellect. its not like I felt only 30% as smart as I normally do. I still have all of the data and information in there, but I can only access at 30% efficiency. Like if the spotlight in my mind is usually a floodlight, I'm currently only able shine a handheld flashlight. I start to test this and I'll think of a name of someone I know and there's only a very shallow profile there. The majority of our interactions and small nuances to their personality are hazy. Again, the program only processing the minimum to maintain illusion. A pale comparison.
When I open my eyes again, nothing has changed. still 30%. At this point I'm scared. This has been wayyy longer than any other trip for me so far. I mean by like awhile. And things aren't going back to normal. There is also this absence of sound. Like dead silence. I sit up again and I'm kindof panicking and I try to shake my head and will myself out of this strange purgatory type place I've ended up in. Ofcourse this is pointless and does nothing but scare me more when it doesn't do anything at all to help. I lie back down again and start trying hard to process what's happening to me. I then get this overwhelming deep sense that either I've died and this is some sort of projection of my home that is only a shadow to help me through the transition or that I'm myself a program of myself but not the real thing. Everything feels hollow. There's no actual substance or depth. It's all just cardboard boxes painted to look like my familiar surroundings or strings of code to imitate my computer desk or acoustic guitar. Again, a pale comparison. I'm so scared that one of these two terrible explainations are true and also so deeply and profoundly sure that that one of them is true. I'm deeply shaken and panicking.
I tell myself to get up and go open the door to my studio to see if there is actually anything beyond the four walls surrounding me. I open the door and it's dark out and my backyard is like everything else. A shadow of itself. but at least it's there. As is my house. But it is still dead silent. No wind or crickets or rustling at all. At this point it's approaching 2am. I come back into the studio and close the door and lie back down on my cot trying to rationalize this situation to absolutely no avail. I'm now simply trying to get to grips with the nature of my new reality. I am no longer me, not in the sense that I have always been. I'm either a conscious copy or I'm now my disembodied soul in purgatory or hell. It is way too much for me to grapple with and I suddenly feel an overwhelming loss toward my 15 yo son and his mother. I have to know if they're inside the house or if I've lost them forever.
I shoot up from my cot and run barefoot in the cold to my back door. I open it as slowly and quietly as I can and step inside. All of the lights are off and the theme continues into the house. The resources are still governed to 30% and nothing is quite as it should be. I walk slowly and quietly through the living room to the front of the house where my son's bedroom is. I crack his door and call out to him quietly. "Gav, you asleep? It's almost pitch dark in his room but I hear his blankets rustling and he says "yea dad". This was the most beautiful sound my ears had ever heard. I didn't trust it anywhere near fully but I remember thinking "at least this shadow of my life has some version of my boy here with me. even if it's just his voice I can hang on that for eons.". I tell him "ok, just checking on u dude. love you. goodnight." and I close his door and walk slowly back through the living room toward the master bedroom where my wife and I sleep. She isn't an explorer in any since of the word related to substances and she doesn't like very much that I have recently began to experiment with spice. She's a normal straight laced professional woman and mother in her mid 30's and she embodies that archetype almost completely. It took alot of time and patiently explaining and showing studies and so forth to even get her to the point of seperating dmt from herion or cocaine. It's still a delicate line that I try very hard to maintain with her and her perception of spice. I am extremely careful to not do or act in any way that can push her to seeing my use as bad or dangerous or negative in any way.
Well that went right the heck out the window as I slinked into our bedroom and sidle up to my side of the bed and reach over to her side of the bed to feel around to see if she was there. I feel her arm under the blankets and whisper "Stef, are you there?". She slightly turns and barely awake says "what? yes. why wouldn't I be?". Even though visually and cognitively nothing has changed from the 30% settings, I’m so relieved to hear her voice and actually feel her there, solidly existing under the blankets that though I’m still terrified and convinced that I’ve broken something in my mind or reality, I can’t help but also begin to feel relief that at least I’m not alone. We’ve been together for over 15 yrs and have never been the types to show much mushy affection toward each other but I cannot stop myself from telling her I love her in that moment. That’s when she knew something was up.. she asks me “are you on drugs? Did you take dmt?”. My answer was “yes, I’m sorry.. But you swear you’re real right? Are you actually real and there?”. Surprisingly (like VERY surprisingly) she didn’t seem mad. She assures me she’s real and that she’s actually there and tells me to get in bed and just try to sleep. I listen and we lay there talking for maybe 15 minutes or so. The whole time though I have this deep certainty that it’s still just a trick and there would be no morning to follow when I do fall asleep. As my eyes have adjusted to the dark of the room and I’m able to faintly see my surroundings they are still “off” like everything else has been since this began.
I finally drift off to sleep and thankfully there was a morning and when I opened my eyes everything was back to normal. But this has deeply shaken my sense of reality and self and maybe what happens next. It almost feels like I crashed the machine with that second dose and booted back up in safe mode with limited resources which manifested itself in the strange “pale comparison” or “30%” way I was seeing and operating in. And then was able to do the needed maintenance/repairs while I slept so that reality could boot back up normally when I woke..
I know this was a long post but I wanted to do the experience justice in it’s description and gravity for me. I hope it was at least an interesting read and am VERY anxious to hear thoughts.
